in fear and faith

i don't have many fears... not many truly rational ones at least.
i'm truly scared of the dark, of getting old, and of missing out on life.

but something else i'm finding myself fretting over is this summer. at first i was excited, knowing that i'll be able to get my nose pierced and get my tattoos and begin trying to really live my own life, making me own decisions, becoming my own person. and i guess that's what scares me. i find that so often when i'm alone or with friends i feel my age. not too young, but not too old... but when i'm with my parents, i feel 16 again. i get scared to truly speak my mind, to just do what i want to do. i respect them so much... it's why i haven't just gone out and pierced my nose or lied when i wanted to stay out later than curfew or do something i knew they would not approve of. i fear that they will still not allow me to be me when i turn 21. that yes, the little physical things of getting tattoos and piercings they will begrudgingly allow, but the curfew? the hounding questions? the unaccepting looks and resistance towards things i want to do. will those things end too? or get worse? or just stay the same?

it's hard having different convictions than your parents..........

so maybe this goes back to my last fear in the list... missing out on life. i hate looking back on my life sometimes. i truly wonder where i'd be and what i'd be doing if i hadn't just caved when my parents challenged me. gosh dangit! i want to be in another town at another school with new friends and more church options.

i want to run...

but like so many other times, i have to have faith. i'm learning so much through this... patience being the most obvious one. but otherwise i'm learning how to truly respect people, how to have compassion when i'm angered. i'm learning who i am and why i shy away from my true self so many times. i'm learning to just not worry... to just let go and just get over and realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is such a small thing.

i have my brother to thank for this. he's put so many things into perspective for me lately. i think i'm truly learning how to just let go... to not worry, to not let the little things make me want to spit i get so frustrated. it's not worth it... heck! i think i'm taking the stress out on myself in my sleep! i've been waking up so sore some mornings it hurts to move... i'm finding mysterious bruises on my legs... and i'm doing anything extreme right now! i'm reading! that's all i've been doing!

so many thoughts... so many things... i'm thankful God made me this way. i'm thankful that i can't just accept things for how they are, that i question most everything... it's why i crave truth so much when it comes to Him and His laws. i truly want to do what is right and true, it's just hard to act on the gray areas.



"do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. you don't have to live forever, you just have to live"
- Tuk Everlasting







Title by Circa Survive

6th grade

when i was in 6th grade i entered an art contest on courage... i won first place in my grade. i did a collage that basically was a bunch of little people that all looked the same and then in the midst of them all was one little guy that was completely different. i called it Courage to be Me... well actually, i remember having originally named it Courage to be Different but when the reporter talked to my mom instead of me, she called it Courage to be Me. it was published in the newspaper and we got one of the copies. well i had lost the paper many years ago and during one of my moms many cleaning fits, she found it. how "ironic" is it that she found that during one of my many moments of just struggling to be myself. :) God is cool...

i visited Renevatus today. it was... good. the message was humbling and raw and right on, but their denomination gives me the heebie geebies. i talked to the pastor for a bit about it all and he didn't really clarify anything but gave me more questions and just made me skeptical. good church, just not for me. so on to the next... i'm going to try Warehouse, and then Elevation (ugh... don't want to, but a friend has been begging me to go... soooo we'll see). then after that... who knows. i'm trying not to get discouraged. i know i'll never find the PERFECT church, but there's GOT to be at least one that is somewhat what i'm looking for.

i'm excited... i think i'm FINALLY figuring out what i want to do for my tattoo. i've compiled all three of my ideas... i still need to find some more pictures of what i want, then go talk to some local artists, get the final details, prices, etc... i'm excited. i REALLY like this idea and i think it may just be the one i'm going to get for sure.

good night

it's official, i'm becoming nocturnal again... and i love it. had it not been quite so cold, i would have sat outside and watched the sky. i saw 2 shooting stars on the way home... one brighter than i had ever seen... i swore i could see the fire.

i love my brother. never have i ever been able to talk to anyone quite so freely in my entire life. yes of course there are things he doesn't know about me, but i'm sure it's mutual. i've never had someone challenge me in my thinking with out actually "challenging" me. we sat for at least 2 hours talking tonight about life, love, and God. i wish i could have recorded our conversation for a later time.

i wish i could talk to mom like that. she just doesn't get it sometimes, but she's a mom. she doesn't have to understand, she just has to have the answers. i talked to her about some of the things my brother and i talked about, but i knew she wouldn't respond the same. i just shared with her my thoughts on church and love. how i feel so lonely sometimes because i'm so different. i'm such a weird mish-mosh of things, but i guess that's why i can easily fit in with anyone, and easily go into chamelion mode and change so easily and forget who i am..........

i think i may just figured a bit of myself out....


it scares me to think of ever having a husband... i just can't see it happening, but i can't see myself without one either.

whatever... on to more joyful thoughts...

school is out and i'm obsessed with Twilight. (God? i want someone like that... just in case you didn't know..........). i could have finished the book tonight if i wanted, i'm not quite aware of just how tired i am, i think i could stay up all night if i wanted... but i don't want it to end.

this summer is probably going to be the best summer for a while. i'll be turning 21, i'll get my tattoos and nose pierced. mom and dad will no longer be able to tell me what to do, yet i'll still feel guilty when i drink or smoke hookah or stay out late or hang with people who aren't christian. this summer i'll be taking my last classes at cpcc and i'll finally get my dang associates degree. i'll be free, almost. hopefully by then i'll be settled into a church and surrounded by good friends. speaking of... i'm going to visit some other churches for sure come the new year. or maybe after this sunday. i can't believe it's almost christmas. i can only trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the right decision.... *sigh* if only i knew what that was, i wouldn't question it, i'd just do it.

i work tomorrow, and for once i kind of wish i didn't. i want to go visit an art museum and spend more time with my brother. i have to close, aaagain. which means i'll get little-no sleep before church sunday. maybe i should consider napping in my car during second service. though i don't think i'll be joining everyone for lunch, i want to try and catch up with old friends. and i guess i'll kill time until youth group.

i may have to slowly fade out of these peoples lives. i've done it before... too many times. i'm becoming good at it.

"you're not typical....

i love the rain. i love everything about it... the smell, the taste, the way it sounds and feels... i love the way it looks... threatening yet purifying. i love the way it reflects the sun after the clouds have passed. i love driving in it, i love running in it, playing in it, laying in it.

why do i see things like this? i don't see things how others see it... maybe. i see art in everything. i see faces in tiles and beauty in garbage. i'm thankful for this, it helps me not become depressed when things are uncomfortable. even the dark and trains and heights that i fear so much, are beautiful to me in their own ways; the dark for its ability to hide things and make my heart race and make my senses come alive, trains for holding stories and graffiti and passengers, height for its tempting fear... why do i feel like i'm just going to lose control of myself when i'm on the side of something high?

i love the way raindrops slide down the glass of windows, i love old cobwebs, and things that are worn out never look worn out to me... merely loved and used well. like an old guitar or antique furniture or converse shoes...

don't worry little bird

my mom and i spend many nights just talking for hours on life. i've been catching her up on everything. it's making me laugh that i was just wanting for the longest time for her to just be like a mature best friend, and now i'm just wanting her to tell me what i need to do. do i stay at UCF? do i leave? and all she says is "oh Kendall... God will show you..."

UGH! no! you tell me!!! haha...

i have 2 main reasons for why i don't want to take on the internship (that is, if they can even do it) at UCF. 1. i don't want to transfer starbucks stores. i love my store! i love the relationships i've built and the trust i have with those people. i love my manager, even though he is creepy haha... he's lost too. i'm discovering that that place IS my ministry. 2. how are they going to give me an internship when none of those things are appealing to me? how are you going to make one up for just loving people?

i'm just freaking out because people are throwing options at me and making me decide when i have no true idea where i'm going and what i'm doing. i'm just taking life one day at a time. just let me be people!

it's hard seeking "wise counsel" when all my counselers are biased. mom and dad understand where i am at, and they know me for me... so of course they encourage me to just be myself and find a church that fits me. yet David loves his church so of course he's going to push me to find a way to stay.

good freakin greif. i'm over it.

it's like i can see pros and cons to both sides. i stay at UCF and i'm challenged in truly being myself, reaching out to the people in my community; pushed outside of my comfort zone... learning to be patient and not complain.

but if i leave, i'll be challenged to go outside of my community and reach people. which is honestly what i feel is most biblical. yes, we need to be building eachother up in the church... but the church is supposed to be a body of believers. i'll be closer to home, i can stay at my starbucks and continue to work in those peoples lives. i'll be challenged to make sure i'm not becoming comfortable and stagnant.

gosh dangit, i'm just going to flip a coin.

but i'm happy :) i can tell something big is about to happen. i can just feel it. maybe i'm just excited for the break haha... but either way. something exciting is about to happen. i know the Holy Spirit will direct me and help me, if i let him.

smoke filled memories

Yesterday was a somewhat odd day. let me just say that i'm really tired of thinking. i'm not the kind of person that can just take on some type of information and not make it personal in some way.

lately, as i'm sure you may have known, i've been just flat out frustrated. i've been mad at myself for how immature and foolish i've been. i've been struggling to just be myself. i've been wanting to move out, though suddenly i kind of don't mind living at home... whatever... and i've been struggling with church. well yesterday i was finally able to just sit and talk with David, my pastor. it was really encouraging. even though i left knowing that things aren't going to get better, that all these frustrations are normal, and that i'll never find the church i'm looking for... i was encouraged to know i'm not alone in my frustrations, that these frustrations were ok and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. he offered me an internship position at the church... i'm not sure what i'll do. ultimately, whatever decision i make, i just want to know that in the end i made the most wise decision i know to make... but this is what i'm thinking about all this... i know i'll never find the perfect church. but there's a part of me that feels that if most churches are just the same, why not find one that is closer and has that more artsy side to it with more people my age. but then what if i become too comfortable in that situation? then what am i to do? but if i stay here, take on that internship, i'll be pushed to be myself in situations where most people don't understand me or see things the way i do. i'll be pushed to be in ministry and love on people. ultimately, if i want to be challenged, i need to be in places that aren't comfortable. but what do i do when i just need a break? i'm finding myself just tired, fighting myself, fighting Gods work... i guess that's where i have the close friends God has blessed me with. that's where i run to Him. that's where i just stop, let go, get up, and move on. i was encouraged as i talked to david about all this yesterday. it's nice to know that he gets discouraged too trying to work in peoples lives and just seeing them being so resistant. he encouraged me saying that that is when you know you're doing the right thing... you know you're challenging people when they start fighting you. he encouraged me saying that now maybe i can get just a small taste of what Jesus felt all the time when He was working in peoples lives.

i guess what i really need, is just a break. just a moment to breath and catch up. to be able to sit and write in my journal for hours and not feel guilty about it because i know i need to be doing homework instead. this christmas break is needed.

after David and i met, i went out with a bunch of friends from work for a going away party for one of my shift managers. oh! that's another thing... if i take the internship i'll have to either A. get a new job, or B. transfer, AGAIN. which i have no idea if they'll let me. but anyways... last night we went to the penguin. i was really excited to get that time with those people knowing that a lot of them are really lost spiritually. i think that's another thing, anytime i start getting sucked into a christian bubble, i freak out and just want to be around people who are struggling and need love. but yeah... it was weird. i started having flash backs of memories from hanging out with my old friends from Columbia... hanging out in a dim and dingy bar/restaurant/lounge type place. then going back to a friends house just hanging out. drinking coffee, smoking hookah, playing card games/video games, talking life... i found out quite a few people at work had a bad interpretation of me because they misunderstood some information that traveled through the grapevine and they thought i had told a girl she was going to hell. awesome. that didn't happen. so it was good to have clarification. but i left feeling like i had sinned. i left feeling like i had to run up to my room and take off my smoke filled clothes and get a shower so that my parents didn't emediately question me. i hate that. i DIDN'T do ANYTHING wrong!!!! ok except for let a couple cuss words slide... i mean, i was tempted at times to do less than wise things, but i didn't. even the other christian girl who i thought was awesome was smashed and couldn't stop talking about oral sex. ugh! this is what i'm talking about! these kinds of christians make me want to vomit! they say one thing and do the other. i want to invest more time in her life. she invited me to come visit her church in a few sundays... i'll have to back out because it's going to be christmas time, but i still want to make a point to get to know her. something deeper is going on... i can see it. she reminds me of me a couple years ago. boy hungry, talking care-free, doing whatever behind closed doors and with close friends. now i never got drunk, but i don't have much room to talk otherwise. that's why i feel drawn to invest in her.

*sigh* tomorrow i'll be done. i'm nervous. i have my 2 hardest exams and i'm not ready. why can't i just show them how i've grown! what can't they just test me on how much i've grown spiritually?! haha... oh well... just one more day and i'll be free for a month!!!!!!

hey remember that time...

so i often like going back and reading old journal entries... i stumbled upon an entry i wrote right before i left for CIU... i had made a list of things i had hoped to accomplish/do while i was there... this was the list:
things i want to do when i get to CIU:
1. meet new people
2. get in shape
3. learn a lot and make good grades
4. find an awesome church
5. talk my parents into letting me get my nose peirced ;)
6. grow closer to Christ
7. find out what God has called me to do

ummm... hows about
1. check
2. if by shape i meant adding 25ish pounds of nastiness to my shape then, check.
3. i learned a HECK of a lot, but it was by far nothing school related and i by no means made good grades hahaha....
4. check
5. what the @$#%$?? hahaha... that obviously didn't happen. and i STILL want my nose pierced dangit!
6. ummm... how's about double Check.
7. yeah, i'm still workin on that.

anways i just thought that was funny. i'm extremely thankful for CIU, i even miss it in some ways! but it's just ironic and humorous to look back over your life and see where God has taken you.

donde esta?

umm... prayer life... helloooo??? where did you go?

i just don't make sense

Why is it always that the hardest decisions to make are the right ones? Why can’t I just run? Why does Mute Math’s lyrics apply to my life so well… I’m ready.... I’m scared, but I’m ready…

You know the one thing you’re fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you’ve got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You’re gonna die to try what can’t be done
Gonna stay stay out but you don’t care
Now is there nothing like the inside of you anywhere
Spotlight - Mute Math.

I fear reading the Twilight books. I know right now I lack faith in the fact that a man who fits me exists. and from everything i'm told, the book makes you desire to be in a relationship unlike anything else, yet makes you feel hopeless in finding someone like Edward (the main character). I fear myself… I know I’m difficult and odd and I don’t make a lot of since and I’m wild and just want to be free. I hate rules and get bored easily. I don’t just take no for an answer, I need logic and reason for why I do what I do. But I hate hurting people. I hate disappointing people. I strangely don’t mind offending people… I just hate losing their trust. I’m messy and worry a lot and I love the night and the cold and the rain… I don’t make sense… I go against the grain… I stand up for my beliefs even if they’re wrong. As long as I’m convicted and am not proven wrong, I’ll hold on to that belief. But I lack confidence in myself. I still can’t seem to just be myself. I can’t seem to see myself the way others see me. and I know I’ll never be confident or content in anything or anyone until I have faith, confidence, and contentment in Christ. But it’s hard... I just desire the quality time, and to hear His voice, and to feel His warm embrace. I know He hunts after me like a deer after water. I know He desires a relationship with me unlike any other man could desire a relationship with his wife. I know He wants to protect me and shield me from all harm… but these facts don’t help when I just can’t feel Him.

This side of me… this physical side (in both the pure and impure sense) will be the death of me.

que sera sera

it's strange being aware of the stage of life that i'm in. i remember growing up and not ever realizing that all those frustrations i was enduring were just because i was in some sort of "stage of life." so for once in my life, i'm aware of it, and can't do anything. it's scary to think that i'm not done changing... that the girl i think i am now, will more than likely be someone completely different in like 2 or 3 years. it's exciting... but scary. i know that at times it's going to flat out suck, but i think maybe, i'm learning to accept it; to embrace it, just go with the flow.

but what i'm most excited about is the day i just stop and look around me and realize (hopefully) i'm right in the middle of something beautiful. i can't wait to figure out what i'm truly passionate about... though i feel silly saying that. i mean, how can you not know what you love to do? the thing is, i know what i love to do... i just can't afford it. if i could do anything, i'd love to do photography and travel... i just don't know how i'll ever be able to afford to travel like i want to. haha... though i've said the same thing about quite a few things............first i wanted to be a vet, then i wanted to open a coffee shop/music venue (which i still think would be awesome sometimes), then i wanted to be a musician... that lasted a week... then i finally found a love for photography.

:) one day it'll all work out and be amazing. but for now i'll just have to be a little more adventurous around my own hometown and find some artsy fun things to do and take pictures of.


title by Doris Day - Whatever will be, will be.

but i hate this town that i keep walkin' around...

God surprises me and not surprises me all at the same time.

i went back to visit some old friends back in Columbia a couple weeks ago. ever since then i've grown increasing restless. i realized 2 things while i was there... 1. i miss that community. i miss being involved in a group like that. i used to have a group that i hung out with all the time, but as time went on people moved away or just moved on. i miss them... 2. i got so wrapped up in school and life i forgot who i was... what i was passionate about, the things i loved to do and wear and surround myself in. i don't know how or when this happened, but it did.

so i've been restless. feeling lost and just really unsure of why God has me here. i found out when i left columbia that CIU had changed... the year AFTER i left was when they had really got their heads outta their proverbial butts and focused on the important things. nope, i'm not bitter. i just question so much why God still has me here in Charlotte. i don't fit in anywhere anymore... even my mom said something to me about it all. sure, it doesn't matter if i fit in or not... i guess the point of that is that i'm not doing anything i'm passionate about anymore. i stopped just going out and taking pictures, i'm hardly able to see my sister anymore... i don't know how to explain it... but i've just grown stagnant. i really don't feel like i'm using anything God has gifted me with right now. this is why i hate school. correction, i like the bible college i'm at (though there are a lot of things i'd love to change about it...), i just hate being at community college. i'm wasting so much time! there are SO many other things i could and would be doing if i didn't have to get my dang associates degree. oh well. i've got one semester left. then i can run off and take pictures and get back into pottery and love on people and see my sister and clean out my room and paint it and learn how to play my mandolin that's been sitting in my closet for the past 4 years... i'm just bored. nothing is new or exciting anymore. i'm scared i'll look back on this time in my life and realize i missed out on so much. if only the bible college i'm at had more kids my age and on campus living and classes more than once a dang week...

so in the midst of all this, i get a letter. a letter from a friend who doesn't know me well at all... this is what she wrote...

Dearest Kendall,
i just wanted to let you know that i have felt it placed on my heart to keep you in my prayers daily! i also wanted to tell you what i see in you! i am so encouraged by you!! each time i see you, you carry this bright loving light with you!! it's in all that you do! whether in small group, talking with you, seeing you love on, and encourage others or singing on stage sunday mornings. i know that God has sugh GREAT & BIG plans for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so blessed he has aloud me to see so much in you! i can only pray that i can be a light others as you are to me! i am excited to see all that God has in store for you! know that i am truly praying for you (and not just saying that :) ) and thank you for allowing God to use you and bless others through you... and well for just being you! you are definitly one of my favs!! have a great week!
Much love,
Jessica
(READ philippians 1:3-6!)


if only she knew how much that meant to me. i truly suck at expressing myself through anything other than writing. i've told her multiple times now just how much i needed that... but i fear she doesn't fully get it. She had NO idea what i was going through!! but God did...

so i'm encouraged. not quite refreshed, but ready to keep going towards only God knows what. i really have no idea where God is leading me, but all i know to do is to keep my eyes focused on Him and keep being myself and just doing what i know i need to do... in time it will all work out and i'll find myself in the midst of something bigger than i realized.


really i'm fine, i'm just thinking...

psalm 43 and chameleons

For as long as i can remember, i've been like this. i'm a chameleon. i blend in with the people i'm around. i talk like the talk, act like they act, i'm interested in what they're interested. and i hate it. it's not me! i know who i am! but i can't help but want to be part of those groups from time to time. i went back and visited a bunch of my old friends from CIU... it had been almost a year since i had seen them. we all talked from time to time during the past year, but hadn't really hung out since i left. and i can't help but feel sad... i miss them. i miss being a part of that community. though i was angry and bitter while i was at CIU, i do really miss the whole college life. i feel like i'm missing out on so much right now. i can't be angry at my parents for not shipping me off to some school or sending me to public school because i know that bottom line God has me here for a reason... but i have to admit i'm becoming restless. i feel like i'm wasting so much of my time at community college. i spend hour after hour studying subjects that by next semester i've forgotten. all for what? a peice of paper with some man's name on it saying that I spent 64 credit hours earning my associates degree. then i'll be able to get a REAL job... pfft... no thank you. whatever... it's just for security purposes that i'm forced to get that paper because sadly i can't be sure i'll be able to make enough money off of ministry work to live. and that is another subject i'll avoid right now.

i just have caught myself feeling so discontent these past couple weeks. every week feels like the same thing. nothing is new. nothing is challenging or pushing me. yet i'm stressed so much about all this i've begun grinding my teeth at night... brilliant!

there's just this part of me that i can see deep down in myself that i so long to be... but because of what i HAVE to do... i cannot become that woman i want to be. i just feel stuck...

God? why have you kept me here? why didn't you leave me at CIU to go with the change of that school? why have you allowed me to become so flustered? why did you keep me from going off to california to pursue a new life? God why won't you let me go!? why can i not seem to get myself out of charlotte?! what are you trying to teach me Father? what are you doing?! why do i struggle being the woman i want to be in the place you've kept me? why am i so selfish!? God will you please refresh my heart and soul... allow them to breath and let go? will you please help me to not be so stuck on the present troubles and even the future ones but help me to trust you more?

in attempts to get this out of my mind

seriously... i hate morbid gory movies. i had to watch the 13th warrior for my english class so i could write a comparison paper comparing it to beowulf. i really didn't think it was going to be that bad... maybe my heart and mind are just too sensitive to it... either way... i'm hoping that as i write this it will help to just get it out of my head and allow me to sleep peacefully...

God, will you please give me restful sleep tonight? even in my sleep i stress and worry... my sore jaw is a sign of that. God you made me and know the way my mind works... the way it grabs onto images and takes them for ransom. forgive me for not being able to keep it under control... Father will you teach me how to stop sinful thoughts? thoughts that keep me from focusing on what's important? God will you also give me endurance to make it through these last 8 weeks of school... i'm so tired of it all... more than anything, i'm tired of being surrounded by people who hate you so much. people who do everything they can to get away from you and your Glory and Purity. people who laugh at the face of hell. people who make me want to just curl up in a ball and cry... God i'm so tired of "debating" them. trying to prove to them that they're wrong. when did this happen? when did my talks turn into debates? God i just want to show them what you've given me... but how do i show someone a feeling? by actions? by words? by love? i just get so frustrated when mere curiousity turns into debate. people at school or work will ask me questions about what i believe and in my attempts to explain myself, it all somehow morphs into a debate... i'm tired of it God!! i'm so tired... for once, i'd love to talk to someone who actually cared... someone who actually was truly curious of what i have and why i'm different........... i am different aren't i God? do i actually stick out? do i actually allow you to shine through me?

is that where i've gone wrong Father? have i lost sight of it all and am losing myself in the crowd around me? God bring me out of it all... give me endurance to run this last leg of the race. but all the while will you please help me to stay true to you and keep my eyes and mind focused on you and to stop worrying about the little things?

i love you Father... thank you for understanding me and knowing my words before i even speak them and knowing my thoughts before i think them. thank you for your unending patience with me. thank you for the fresh cool air of fall that reminds me of your creativity. thank you for the birds that remind me to keep my eyes focused on you and to let go of my worries and frustrations and help me to remember the way you see me. thank you father for my family... thank you for our rare relationships... that we are all so close. God will you continue to help us all grow closer to you and help us to be more open with one another? sometimes father i feel like even though we can laugh and have fun together, we struggle talking about the hard things. God thank you for bringing me to UCF. for bringing me somewhere i can actually use the gifts you gave me to help others. thank you father for the gifts you gave me... for the ability to sing and listen to a sad heart. help me father when i'm listening to allow you to speak through me and to not try and find the words on my own. God thank you for my friends you've given me... for Stephanie and Brandon and Jessica and Michelle and KB and Summer... thank you for the people who truly reached out to me. God thank you for giving me someone like stephanie to allow me to share my struggles with. thank you for making her the way she is. thank you God for everything you've blessed me with.

goodnight Father, i love you and praise you for everything you do... amen.

i hope this makes sense.

I'm tired of debating religion. I'm tired of trying to convince people of God's love and existence. that's not my job... that's God's. I'm merely His "tool". I'm willing to do whatever He wants and talk to whomever He wills... but i just don't want to debate anymore. it seems no one wants to talk about it anymore. it's just debates trying to prove each other wrong. I'm convinced people do not want to accept Christianity because they refuse to give up their horrid lifestyles. it's not that I'm going to stop talking to people... I'm just tired of endless debates... unending circles of conversation where neither party admits "defeat."

the end.

vent session

i'm so over this stage of my life... i'm ready to be done with cpcc and out of my parents house. i'm honestly ready to start becoming an adult. i still feel like my parents look at me like i'm 17... at least that's how old i feel when i'm talking to them. anyways... i'm just venting because i'm tired of living at home and i want my tattoo and the freedom to do what i want and not worry if they agree or not. it's hard when you have different convictions than your parents.

i hate not having answers for my friends who ask the hard questions. i hate not knowing the bible as well as i need to. i hate that people make "religion" as complicated and difficult as it is. i hate not having the words to express the passion i have in my heart about God. i hate that good people die and go to hell and bad people go to heaven. i try so hard to make all this make sense to the agnostics, athiests, non-believers. i try to make it real and genuine and break that nasty pre-conceived idea of who christians are. i honestly hesitate telling people i'm a Christian sometimes because i know what they're going to think of me. it's not that i care about what they think of me... it's that it bothers me that that is what they think Christians are like. i hope that my life breaks that mold and that i'm truly different from that idea. i don't want to be fake, i want to be genuine. i don't want to be cliche and dorky, i want to be real. i don't want to hide my true thoughts on life because i might offend someone...... i want people to hear and know Truth.

i really need to get away for a little bit. i think i'm going to go swim... i'd love to go ride my bike... but i need to get the tires and chain changed... they're in rough shape.

humble boldness

why is it that i always seem to find myself in these situations? why can't i just be bold and stick up for myself.

this guy in my class won't leave me alone... i want to be nice to him and not make a big deal out of all of this. but i'm not ok with the way he treats me. he's beyond perverted, won't respect me, and bugs me to go do stuff with him. some how i've got to slip away from this messed up "friendship."

i need to learn how to be bold with people. i'm in so many situations where i need to talk to people and be bold with them, but i'm terrified. it never comes out right, what's in my head never translates the way i want it to.

there's a highschool girl i want so badly to help... well there's a couple of them... but i don't want to be like their parents. i don't want to just point out the negative... i don't feel like i have that kind of credibility or relationship with them. one of the girls is bisexual, the other just got into a relationship and i fear she'll make the same mistakes i made. i wish someone had helped me when i was their age... maybe then my mind wouldn't be so perverse.

i started singing with my church recently. i was actually very excited to start, but i've found myself in the same situation with singing in churches i've always been in. why is it so hard to stop focusing on the sound and performance and focus on God? this was the very reason i didn't want sing in the band. i've yet to see it done right, or close to it. so now i'm in the perfect position to say something. i told him when he asked me to sing for him that i had been hurt and just didn't want to jump back into it. but i realized that i was holding onto a grudge and just needed to let go. so i did... and now i kind of wish i hadn't. so i have the perfect opportunity to say something... i just don't know how.



so i'm hitting my infamous midsemester slump where i just don't care and i want to give up. i'm losing my momentum... these are going to be the longest 15 credit hours of my life.

Gir

God has been teaching me so much lately... and really i know i have my friends to thank for helping me to allow God to challenge me. i think the biggest thing right now He's been challenging me with (though this may not sound big to some) is just to love who He has made me inside and especially OUTSIDE. basically, i knew i didn't feel pretty without make up on. i just began to really realize that that was something i had almost become "addicted" to. i say addicted because i don't know what else to call it. but i just knew that i did NOT feel pretty with out it. in fact i was slightly embarrassed to be seen without it. and i just knew that wasn't healthy. it was almost a slap in the face to God. he had MADE me this way... the way i look with OUT make-up. me covering my skin was almost like me saying "God, sorry, you just didn't do a good job." right... about that... so i stopped wearing it until i know in my heart of hearts that i can be happy and CONTENT with or with out it. part of the problem is really this was how i was brought up. appearance is huge in my family... especially with my Grandma. you just didn't leave the house without primping in some way... making sure your hair was right and you had your make up on and whatever else needed to be fixed and altered... i hate that. i honestly worried about trips i was going to make with friends... i was like "ok, what all do i have to bring and how am i going to put on my make up with out them thinking i'm obsessed?"hmmm... no... i don't have a problem at all.......

really though, i have brandon to thank for pointing all this out to me. He came over about a week or so ago and surprised me with breakfast when i woke up. 'io,9aq1`(that was Gir, my chinchilla running across my keyboard). so there i was, no make up, hair semi all over the place... and he thought i was beautiful. i didn't get it. in my mind i looked rough... i even made a comment about it, and he just said he actually preferred no make up... i still didn't get it. after he left i thought about it ALL day. i really came down to the conclusion that i had a problem. so i said "no thank you, i'll have no more of this" and stopped wearing it all... ok except for mascara... o:)

i really have this love/hate relationship with Brandon's boldness. when it comes right down to it, i love it and i'm extremely thankful for it. i really don't have anyone else calling me out like this, so i need it. i know he's really going to help me become an amazing woman of God. it's funny looking back at just within this short time we've known each other, what he's helped me with... he got me to go back to SES, he got me being more bold in witnessing to others, he challenged me and encouraged me to do better in school, he helped me learn (well, this is still in the process) how to see myself the way GOD see's me... not others, he convicted me about leaving my chinchilla in his cage all the time... hence him running across my keyboard ^_^ he gave me the courage to take on high school ministry when i didn't think i was mature/good enough/spiritually mature enough, he gave me sgy7 (that was Gir again haha) the courage to sing in the praise band again when i was so frustrated and hurt by it... and on top of all that, he taught me to long board :) i quite possibly have the best boyfriend ever. i just suck at verbalizing that... i've just never been in a situation like this... i've never had a boyfriend like him, let alone met a guy like him. this is all still so new to me... i'm trying not to freak out! haha... it's all so good though and i thank God for him every time i think about him...

so much more has been going on... God really has been challenging my lately helping me grow... it's hard and quite honestly sucks at times, but i'm so thankful for where i'm at in my life.

well, now that Gir has curled up in the corner, i think he's ready for bed... and so am i.

oh and incase you were wondering why i named him Gir, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r258Jca9e0A

i named him after the lil roboty character ^_^

windmills of your mind

something happens to me when the seasons start changing. i get this rush of energy every time i step outside. it's like all is being washed away of the heavy heat and making way for something new and exciting. i love the cold. i love snow. i love the way the cold smells. i love how leaves turn colors and fall and dance across the streets as your drive by. i love just sitting outside and thinking... what i'd give to have this kind of weather year 'round.

i got semi-freaked out today... just thinking about life. it's wild looking back thinking where i've come from. i found out the other day that i've got only 15 more credit hours left at school until i get my associates. i then realized, once i'm done, i HAVE to get a full time job! what am i going to do about insurance? oh gosh. i wasn't really quite as ready as i thought... then, i remembered just how faithful God has always been to help me through these life changing things. i'm confident that God will lead me as i grow up and move on. i guess i now need to budget in my insurance... dagnabit.

well now that i can't feel my toes cause i've been icing my ankle i think i'll go to bed... *sigh* my ankle still hurts... been hurting since....... labor day? dang... almost a month. i REALLY don't want to go to the doctor. but i'm scared it's something serious and if i don't get it fixed it could lead to more problems.

so i need to learn to not be fake nice. i need to stand up and stop letting that guy in my class push me around and treat me this way... i just really hate confrontation and i wish i had done something sooner cause now it's a big deal. oh well... i guess we'll call this a lesson learned.



title by Sting & the Police

now that you know, i'll ask you to stay away

i got back in touch with David finally today to touch bases about me leading high school. we're going to talk more next Tuesday about it all, but for now it was basically established that this is serious. that this isn't just something to jump in and then jump back out of. that if I'm going to do this, i need to do it and not be wishy washy about it. it scared me. i knew all this, but hearing it come right from him brought back all those fears of just not being good enough. I've already seen the hearts of some of those kids, i realize the task at hand, and i can't do it alone. i just felt overwhelmed today... knowing the sin these kids have in their lives and then having a heavy conversation with David was just a lot to have on my brain. sometimes the reality of sin in this world is just too much to bear. it breaks my heart knowing that so many are lost and so few really get it. i just hope that people see this in me and i don't come across fake.

speaking of fake... i really need to do a heart check and make sure that not only God wants me to take on this position at church but that I'm also doing it for the right reasons. i realize that there is a lot of potential that once i do this I'll be able to move out, which has a lot of perks to it. but that also it will prepare me for later on in my ministry life. i just want to make sure I'm not taking on this commitment because of lame immature selfish reasons.

i was talking with some of the girls from church tonight about the whole moving out thing and one of them said that my relationship with my parents will get better once I'm out of the house. it makes sense... but i don't want to believe it. if it's not good now, what would make me think running away from the problem will make it go away. i just can't confront my parents about anything. they get defensive and don't want to hear it. so I'm stuck. my sister thinks i just need to accept that that is just who they are... but if these things they are doing are unhealthy, why would i not try to help them? i know they'd do the same for me. but i get shot down every time i try. i guess i can't give up, and until something changes, whether that be them or me moving out, i just need to swallow my pride and get over it. but honestly, why can't i let it bother me? am i supposed to just sit here and be numb? get pushed around and shrug my feelings off? i don't know. i don't want to think I'm perfect and right... but this is ridiculous. I'm tired of my siblings and i having to hide parts of our lives from them... I'm tired of the relationship i have with them. i want it to grow... but something isn't right.

I'm thankful for Steph. I'm glad it worked out that her and i were able to get together tonight and talk life. if her and i really are able to move out together it's going to be amazing. she just helps me process and think through things. i appreciate her honesty and sincerity. one day I'll share with her my secrets... but for now, I'll keep getting to know her. i wanted so bad to talk to her about something tonight... i really need that accountability... really badly... but I'm scared she'll freak. no ones perfect, but sometimes we don't want to hear about it.

I'm already ready for this semester to be over. correction. I'm ready for CPCC to be over. i hate it... it's dumb and pointless and makes me want to say bad words.

wait... i just text Steph asking her to keep me accountable... i can't just keep living with this sin. i can't keep living with this log in my eye as i tell others to get the speck out of theirs. yaaaay hypocrisy.




title by Elsaine - Prozaic

Wait...what?

God, if You are love, how can you tell us not to love another person
just because that person is the same sex as us... Why is it wrong? Why
is this the one exception to the rule.

God I know the answers... But they don't make sense.

So then, what are we to do? God I've yet to be in a situation like
this until now, and even though I know all the right answers, I still
have a hard time understanding. Will You help me Lord? Please speak
through me and give me courage when I'm scared. Boldness to speak
truth, gentleness so as not to break hearts but reach tender ears.

God, my heart breaks for them. Forgive them Father, they do not
understand.

wonder-dummied

i often think how nice it would be if i could just some how spew my thoughts onto this screen without spending close to an hour typing.

a LOT has been running through my head lately. especially because i have to ask the hard questions.

1. my pastor at church asked me to consider taking on a position leading the high school ministry at church. I'd basically be the go to person for it and I'd be teaching on Sunday nights. freakin AMAZING. I'm super excited about it, but the reality of it is sinking in and it's terrifying. really it just comes down to me being fearful I'll some how misinterpret scripture and some how lead these kids astray. but i honestly feel that at this moment in time because i live on the opposite side of the city, it's going to be hard to get super deep with these kids. that doesn't mean i still can't teach and be involved. it's just because of my sporadic schedule, i can't just meet up with them at the drop of a hat. it's not like i live 10 minutes away. plus who knows how much further north they live past the church?!

which brings me to my next thought...

2. if you don't already know, i want to move out. I'm beyond over living at home. the constant messiness (one of THE biggest reasons... seriously... it's incredibly embarrassing sometimes...), the invasion of privacy, the lack of closeness to friends/church/ministry/boyfriend, the want of just my own space and the freedom that comes along with that. it's not that i want to do anything that i can't do now (besides get a tattoo and stay out past 2 if i so desire it). the thing is, is it's hard to explain unless you are in my shoes. i LOVE my mom... so much... but sometimes i just get so annoyed with her. part of it is because i know i can't confront her about anything. if i do she just gets upset or defensive or just overly bent out of shape. so the plan is IF i get paid for working for church which i really don't expect them to, and i start working for my mom, then i can afford to move out ^_^

3. I've felt like a jerk lately. just my lack of patience with my mom or people around me. how i handled a cruddy situation with a guy at school. basically me just being nice to him led him on and now he won't leave me alone. i just feel bad because even though i didn't mean to cause this awkward situation, i feel like i hurt Brandon some how. I've just felt very immature lately. i got super bent outta shape about the new rules at SES. it's really no big deal, but just because of my past situations with overly cautious rules, i get really defensive and worked up about some situations. i just keep thinking "they're missing the point." why are we all so focused on rules, but not the heart? i could seriously get up on about 10 soap boxes about this subject, but I'll just walk away.

4. I'm beyond over cpcc. the people there are lazy and the teachers stink and i just want to move on...

that's what this comes down to.

I'm tired of being in this stage in my life. i feel like I've been here FOR EV ER and i just can't get out. it seems hopeless and i feel like I'll never be done with school or move out or grow up in the slightest bit. I'm ready to take the next step, but i just can't.

on a super cool note. God is awesome and gave me something to make me smile about... tonight Brandon and i were laying on the side walk looking at stars and literally, i couldn't even get the whole sentence out.. but as i said "i would love to see a shooting star" an amazing one shot across the sky RIGHT above me. thank you God ^_^ i needed that. i had awful dreams last night... probably the worst I've had in.... well... ever. and i can't get the images or sounds out of my head. that is something that just amazes me... Jesus never had an impure thought. he was in complete control of his mind... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! seriously.

oh also I'm getting better (which is a relative term) at long boarding... that's EXTREMELY exciting. I've really always wanted to learn how and now that i am is sooooooooo amazing.

i really felt like there was more for me to write about, but i suppose that's it. one day I'll look back and it'll all make sense. if nothing else, i just have time to gather my things and save my money and purchase furniture and find the perfect house. I've got time, i just get fixated on the big picture. the future of what could be.

title by Brooke Waggoner... amazing musician. christian? maybe.

In fear and faith

You never saw Him, yet you love him. You still don't see Him, yet you
trust Him - with laughter and singing. Because you kept believing,
you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation.

- Peter

humble omelette

i went to breakfast with Brandon today and shared with him one of my biggest frustrations with a friend of mine. i appreciate so much his boldness... i need that in my life. it's not often you find someone like that who isn't scared to be bold and call you out on stuff. long story short, he called me out... the thing is... is i know this... i know that it's my problem, not that person's. i know that i can't get over it. i know that i'm holding onto this frustration for some reason, but why? why does it bother me so much? maybe it's because i've yet to forgive her in my heart. it's just sucky when you can't even remember all the crap that's happened. i feel like i'm 6 yrs old again fighting with one of my siblings to the point of forgetting the original root to the problem.

next thought...

as i've been reading for my Bible Study Methods class, we've been digging into some scripture that is often misinterpreted. one of those was the passage (1 corinthians 11:7-10) that talks about how women, out of respect for God and their husbands, should wear head coverings. long story short, that's not what the passage is talking about, it's talking about "wearing" authority on her head... meaning... God is over man, man was made for the glory of God, and women were made for the glory of man. but where we get the whole head coverings thing, i'm lost. like the book was saying, the passage doesn't really say what "it" is... it just says that it = authority... not a cloth-like thing. anyways... this all got me thinking about how amazing it is that God made me for man. that when things work the way they are supposed to, it's a beautiful relationship. this then led me to think, what am i doing that would be destructive to a healthy relationship? how am i living, what am i doing, what do i represent, how do i come accross to people... etc... that may be destructive and dishonoring (ulitmately) to God and my future husband?

i guess one of those things is my stuborness and just how i won't let go of things sometimes. i hold onto them like i need them... when in reality i'd give just about anything to rid myself of that stress.

right, so... i guess i'll just eat that humble omelette now and shut up and let go.

what it really said

think

our lunch

pb&j

so lately i think i've written just how at times i get irritated living at home with the rents... well, yes, it's true... so let me first apologize for the fact that i may have led you on to believing that i dislike my parents... which is completely untrue... i love them with all my heart. in fact... i really look up to them and hope that as i grow older i take things from them and apply them to my life.........

for example..........


a couple weeks ago at church our pastor David challenged us with the thought of how if we stopped eating out so much we could use the money we saved to give back to the poor. well, my mom being how amazing she is, took this idea and went one step further.

at work she made a small box and wrote a note on it saying (or saying something to the effect of) "for only $45 a month, a family of four can have enough food and clean water to last a month... consider eating in instead and donating the money you would have spent to a family in Africa." she bought a couple loaves of bread, peanut butter, and jelly and left it next to the box. she also bought bottled water and put it in there fridge. her goal is to raise enough money to build an entire well.

freakin amazing.

so today, i'm going to have lunch with my mom and brother at work eating pb&j (though i think i'll snag the honey from our kitchen......)

northwest of ju ju

i used to work at this coffee shop called It's a Grind. long story short, one of my co-workers husband used to come in and visit her from time to time. once i got to know him and he found out that i'm studying apologetics, he began asking me all these tough questions about morality and life. that was last spring. now i'm at starbucks. today i'm filling the lil fridge thing where we keep all those drinks and i look up and who do i see but that guy. he doesn't recognize me right away but as soon as he did, the same ol' questions came flyin.... man i love it. i live for those kinds of discussions about morality and life. the HARD ones. the ones that make your brain about have a baby trying to figure them out. he asked me today, and i think he's asked me this before, if something is wrong because God or the police/authority say it's wrong, or because it's wrong. i feel like this is one of those questions that just doesn't make sense when you really think about it... because after all where do we get moral law and morality from but God? morality needs a source, it couldn't have just come from no-where. and we have to have someone perfect to be able to know what really is truly moral and not. and since we all know man is imperfect, we need an all perfect being, hence, God.

anyways... it felt good to get my brain goin like that again... oh man i love it.




title = northwest of ju ju by Justin King

i am their daughter

i hate how little patience i have with living at home. i wish i could be thankful for what i have. but all i can see is the negative. my dad seems extra stressed lately, and I'm not sure why. maybe he's always been this way but now that I'm older, i am just more aware of it. he's never lashed out, but he just gets cranky and stressed and frustrated. and I'm tired of how messy/cluttered things are. that's really the biggest thing... it's just that the house is always a wreck and i alone can't keep up with it. now, granted, i know i don't have room to talk considering the condition of my room right now... but it's not a gross messy dirty, it's just clothes and stuff not in their place.

the longer i live at home, the more I'm seeing things in myself that i got from my parents... my impatience, my clinginess to objects (overly sentimental), messy, disorganized... but i also see the good. i def. got my love for giving from my parents, i got my free-spirit, and most importantly, i know i have them to thank for my passion for Christ. i don't want to know where I'd be if it weren't for them.

i think the other thing that makes this so hard, is that there is this part of me that so badly wants to grow up, but feels just held down by living at home. it's always the little things that get to me so badly... i guess that really this IS part of growing up... learning to be grateful and content no matter where God has you.

skinny love

as i was driving home tonight, my thoughts were running around like they were being chased by a wolf. thinking about this and that, fears and failures, happy thoughts and sad thoughts... you name it, i thought about it. so as my thoughts ran past me, i managed to grab onto a couple and hold onto them for a while...

God tells us eight times in the Bible to love like we love ourselves... but have you ever thought about the way you love yourself? yeah, we're conceded, we do most of what we do for ourselves... but that stuff we do really can hurt us. we eat like there's no tomorrow, we feed our brains with porn and hate and death and violence... and all in one movie. we tell ourselves lies about our appearance every morning as we stare into the mirror, we focus on the negatives instead of the positives.... and the list goes on. so really, maybe we should be loving like God loves. maybe that's why we suck at loving others.

maybe we've forgotten how to love ourselves properly.




maybe we have just forgotten how to love.


i wish i could see peoples hearts... i watch people a lot... i try to pay attention. sometimes, i notice people just look sad, and all i want to do is sit down and ask them what's wrong, and listen. isn't that what we want sometimes? just someone to listen to our hearts... why they hurt, why they're happy, why they feel...


title = Skinny Love by Bon Iver

no thank you

i start school back tomorrow.

i'm not looking forward to it.

that is all.

twitterpated

words can not express how i feel right now. i'm in shock of it all. i don't know how this all happened, but i couldn't be happier. God is truly so good... the way He works and lets things happen just blows my mind. Thank you God.

couple firsts

1. first time going to bed this early since i was probably 3 yrs old
2. swam a mile
3. had this many hours at work since i started.

yup. that's all. time for bed. on top of a very bad night of sleep last night, i swam a good mile... which took me a freakin hour. so i swam for an hour... almost non stop. i'm tired, my body is tired... my heart is tired.

*sigh* just 2 more days.........

coulda done better

i guess all days can't be good... i didn't make it to the gym today which has become my obsession... in a healthy kind of way. i'm not pushing myself too hard... i had just forgotten how much i truly love swimming. so yeah... didn't get to do that. and then i had to go buy my school books which is just depressing. and then, i chose to make a poor decision... basically i sinned. i wish i didn't struggle with this "thing." i know we've all got our own proverbial demons, but i can't shake these loose... and sometimes i don't think i want to. then later i... wow i'm embarrassed... i hit one of those road cones, but not a cone, a freakin' barrel. i hit it with my side mirror and it smashed the poor thing up. luckily it just obliterated the actual mirror part, but the whole thing itself is ok. it was already scratched up from the time it was stolen. my car doesn't stay aligned very well for some reason, so even though less than a month ago i had it realigned, it likes to vear off to the right. brilliant. so then i got pissed thinking God was disciplining me for my poor choice today. then i got even more mad at myself out of embarrassment... which spawned more anger realizing i'm acting just like my father... then i cried... and let go.

the bible study i visited was... well... just more of a vent session. i'm a little frustrated and wish there was more actual teaching instead of just a "what do you think" type of discussion. last time i checked it was called a BIBLE STUDY. not a "lets pick a book and talk about it" study. oh wait... aren't those called book clubs???

ok... so today basically was not so great. but, it's time for bed, and sleep is amazing for crankiness.

right... about that...

i need to go to sleep soon, but just wanted to write real quick...

so how's about Kendall likes making big deals out of, well, nothing. i don't get it. i prayed to God that he would help me find a church where there was a strong community and opportunities to serve (specifically in high school ministry) and a list of other things... i honestly didn't expect God to actually lead me to one. I'm quite shocked and humbled and thankful. it wasn't that i doubted Him, i just know how He works with me. it's usually either a very long process or he does the opposite, which always works out better. but i think because i was so shocked, i freaked out. i just don't want to make a hasty decision and jump from one church to another. also, i don't want to just leave the problem. as much as i love running from my problems and ignoring them, I'm learning that i REALLY can't. it hurts others and myself. so i stuck around for about 2 months, praying, trying to get involved, being optimistic... my close friends even went and confronted the pastors, but none of them had good answers. things just aren't going to change... and quite frankly, i never REALLY felt like it was home for me. I'm praying this time will be different. the thing is, i know that i grew there; that i met people there who challenged me and allowed me to open up to them in ways I've never been able to open up to ANY ONE before. I'm so thankful for that, but i feel my time is over... this season (if you want to call it that) is over. and, I'm OK with that. i feel peaceful, yet nervous. starting over is never easy.

I'm so thankful for my life right now... I'm just praying that God will continue to challenge me, but help me to find joy in him... even in that hard times.

i want to learn how to be a better encouragement to people who are struggling. i want to learn how to better share my faith with others. i want to learn how to be patient. i want to learn how to stand up for myself and be confident in who i am no matter what. i want to learn how to better communicate.

dhkfg;dkhfg

it's nice being able to look back over my life and see that not all of my decisions have hurt me and that i actually learned something from them. if there was one thing i learned from one of my dating experiences, it was when you see a need, you do your best to fill it. i mean, that is, if you can. and i see a need, i can, but i don't know if i should. on top of being an emotional wreck right now, i'm tired, and wishing i had someone to talk to about this. but i feel like anyone i talk to, won't get it.

i have so many big decisions to make right now, i just wish God would come and hold me and just show me where i need to go. i know i have to trust him, and i do, i really do... but these decisions are over my head. i don't want to just sit back and take the easy road... God even said the road to him wouldn't be easy... it's narrow... i'm willing to give up whatever for him, i just don't know what.

where do i go to church?
do i move out?
do i help them?
do i keep pursuing this?

it was no coincidence i visited UCF yesterday... i needed to hear that. i just can't help it... i'm so anxious, i need sleep... and a hug.

patience

I love how when you pray for God to teach you a type of "virtue," he doesn't merely give it to you, he puts you in situations that you have to either be that way or deal with stress. Lately i've been praying that God would really help me learn patience. i don't want to be the typical american in any way... hence the wanting to learn patience and eating vegan for the most part... i just find it humorous in a very frustrating kind of way that God puts me in situations where i either let go of something i want because i can't have it now or have patience and wait for it... or lets me have days like today at work where my patience is really tried... ;dghdf;uiogfdio;jg;fdiojgdoijg;

vegan?

I've been reading this book called "Skinny Bitch" lately and it's quite convicted me of not only my eating habits in general but eating the stuff i thought WAS healthy. it's not that i have ANYTHING against eating meat. i actually like it. but! i didn't realize that 1. the stuff farmers were pumping in animals to keep them alive and 2. how they're treating the animals. all the stuff they pump in them I'm basically eating. yikes! they made a good point about how that's why a lot of Americans struggles losing weight. it's the same concept as when women go on birth control... all the hormones and chemicals screw with your body. so when we ingest all those fun chemicals via said chicken/cow/animal, they begin messing with our system.

long story short, it grossed me out... hard core style. like to the point meat doesn't even sound appetizing. though i will say I'll miss milk/cheese. but again they made yet another good point. Humans are the only mammal that continues to drink milk after being weaned. we're taught all growing up that we NEED calcium and that it helps us lose weight... but last i checked milk is basically liquid fat. milk is used to help speed the growth process of babies. no wonder it messes with us when we're older. it's a good thing i like soy milk :) plus milk kinda grosses me out when i think about it... mmm... cow juice...... so today was my first day attempting it. so far so good. it's been a little difficult, but i think i can do it. i mean it's not like i won't eat it if it's the only thing offered or i am at a friends house. meaning, I'm not going to be one of THOSE girls... those over the top vegan's that give people mean looks and refuse to even look at meat, and would rather starve than eat it (maybe that's why the book is called Skinny Bitch?). i mean honestly the way they say you should eat is practically impossible and highly expensive. they want you basically to cut out all animal products and then anything not organic. but ummm... yeah... a full time student trying to eat that way is basically impossible. BUT, i will do my best when i can. i feel like i haven't eaten a lot, but I'm not hungry, so i guess that's good. I've also started trying to drink A LOT more water than what i was.

it's not just an image thing. i honestly am not happy with the way i look, but it's more than just that... it's that i want to be healthy. obesity runs wild in my family, and i refuse to let it take over my life.

so, vegan? mostly.


oh, also...

pray for me if you happen to read this. i honestly have NO earthly idea if any of my friends read this... and that's ok... but if you happen to, would you please pray for me? I've got a pretty big decision to make. I've had to make this exact same decision before, and it's funny, the same instances are surrounding the situation as last time... but now that I'm a little older and wiser (at least, i hope I've become wiser), i want to make sure it's the right thing to do. i'm over hasty selfish decision making.

God, what do YOU want me to do?

i just noticed...

most of my posts are actually supposed to be for the day before.... meaning... i write most of my posts after midnight of the day the events actually happened. like this one right now will say i wrote it on thursday, but really, it's still wednesday, in my head... because i've yet to go to bed...


so i guess i'll have to start speaking in past tense.

Talitha Koum

my mom and i sat down tonight and worked out a budget for me... I'm surprised to see that it's actually do-able. but despite how do-able it is, it's not logical. you see, if were to move out, all that money is just being spent and blown away when i have NO real solid reason for moving out yet. but if i save it, wow... I'll have a good chunk of change put away for when i actually am finished with school and do move out.

I've figured out when it is that i get annoyed with my parents... it just hit me today... it's when i know i need/want to talk to them about something, but i haven't processed through my thoughts enough yet to talk. but then add on being tired and it's just an awful combo. though i really get annoyed with most anyone when I'm tired........

so i witnessed to a group of high school kids today. to sum it up, i really saw how people just do NOT think through things and how stuff contradicts. i was in Barnes and Noble today picking up a couple books and a day-timer when i saw a group of high school (stereo-typical goth types) kids walk by. as they did, that voice yelled out at me again... like it did yesterday. so i began praying, "God, if you want me to talk to them, you have to speak through me. i don't know these kids, and for all i know they will probably laugh at me... so give me the words and wisdom to speak truth into their hearts." so as i stood and lingered around trying to think of what to say, the one thing that came to mind over and over was just to simply ask them if they had ever thought about where everything came from... so i did. after i practically puked from nervousness, i went up and asked. i just told them it's something i often think about and i like asking people of all kinds and types what they think. one kid told me he was agnostic, with a mix of evolution and Christianity (everything in me wanted to be like, wow... way to contradict yourself 3 times buddy... but i figured that would probably not win them over hahaha...). i asked him how he did that. he told me that he thinks Adam and Eve were the first real formed humans after apes. so i asked him then where the apes came from, he said fish.
me - where did the fish come from?
him - amoebas
me - where did they come from?
him - germs/molecules?
me - and them?
him - God?
me - yeah... i mean, if that is the case, then they had to start from something. something can't come from nothing... there had to be an ultimate creator...

so then the 2 lesbians said they had never thought about it before. then the other dude said he mixed evolution, Christianity, and Buddhism. and i totally lost him in the midst of his explanation of that....... he made no sense. then the other girl (not one of the lesbians) chimed in saying something about faith... but her explanation of faith was it was more of a type of moral support. something to give us hope. so after that, i could tell they were done... it wasn't that they were annoyed, in fact, they were quite nice to me. but i knew they were done talking about it.

just planting seeds i suppose.

time for bed... actually time to read my bible and put stuff in my new day-timerthingymabobber...



oh and go read Mark 5 to see where i got the title of this post from. one day, i'll have it tattoo'd on me somewhere for sure.

crisis averted

let me first just say thank you Mom... you saved my tail, yet again.

i was at work today when my mom called the actual store... i figured it was something important when she made the effort to actually call my starbucks to reach me. apparently i'm a blond and forgot to pay for my cpcc classes... i DON'T know how that happened. seriously, and it scares me that i forgot that. i need to write things down. anyhow, she called me and told me that my classes were dropped because of that and asked for my student i.d. and password so she could "fix" the problem. aaaand she did. my mom is amazing. i don't know HOW she was able to get me back into my same exact classes, but she did. God was probably going "oh my little Kendall, i love you..." all the while shaking his head. God seriously took care of me... i seriously almost had an emotional break down in the middle of work. i was like SERIOUSLY?! just when i'm trying to actually grow up and take responsibility for myself!



apparently this was a serious situation......................



speaking of being responsible. i talked to my parents tonight about moving out. they were very encouraging but honest all the same. basically, i need to make $10 an hour. how does a 20 year old female make $10 an hour without a degree? i want so badly to move out... but i just feel like it's out of my reach right now.

right... so i'm really happy, and life is good, but i fear this is merely the calm before the storm.

85% good 15% bad

so how's about things are amazing.
1. clarification and honesty is amazing in relationships.
2. boldness for God's sake is the greatest and most terrifying high.
3. learning new things (long boarding) makes things interesting.
4. Growing up in Christ without even realizing it but then all of the sudden realizing it is refreshing and exciting.
5. making new amazing friendships makes my heart REALLY happy.

so yeah. i'm really very happy... but of course life just wouldn't be life without it's little things to get you frustrated... ie. my lack of physical fitness and my current state of living at home. i'm really just tired of being out of shape. i like eating healthy and taking care of myself, but because i haven't felt this way until most recently i'm trying to loose the little pudge that's stupid hard to get rid of. i just want to be in shape. that's really it. my goal is actually to get to what i hear some call a "runners high." i want to get to that point... but it's going to take a while. oh well, it'll be worth it when i get to it. then this whole living at home thing is starting to wear me thin again. i just stinkin need my space. need to be out on my own doin my own thing. and really, it's getting to the point where it'd make more sense for me to move out to the university area... my church is out there, my friends, and i can easily transfer work and school out that way. i just am realizing the amount of gas i'm having to keep spending money on is getting rediculous. i put half a tanks worth of gas in my car YESTERDAY, and just between driving to church and back and then driving 'round town doing errands and then driving back up to the university area to see friends and back, i used it up. but there is no way i can afford to move out there. it's not that i don't have the opportunity, it's that i don't have the funds. if i work full time i can afford it. even if i work at least 30 hours a week, i could... i'd be cuttin it a little close, but i could do it. but how am i supposed to work full time, do school full time and then ALSO have a social life AAAAND serve at church!? how does that work? seriously! i want to do it, i want to get out and finally just be my own person, but i just don't see how it's possible. i mean cause at this rate if it's costing me $50 bucks a tank for at least 4ish days... thats...... roughly $375 a month for just gas alone when normally i'd only pay around $200. but if i moved up there, i would pay less for gas, put less miles on my car which in turn keeps me from having to get my oil changed and put new tires on it and so on and so forth... plus i'd be closer to all that's important to me. the thing is, i'm not paying for anything really right now. i'm truly blessed in that my parents are paying for most of my stuff. but i don't really get to spend the money i make. it goes right into my account and then disappears as i pay for stuff... so it's not like i'm not already spending my money on things like gas and food and what not. dgifjd;ijdfgij;idfg...........

God, please, you say you'll give us the desires of our heart, and what my heart truly wants is your will, but this other want is getting tiring.

but back to good things... i can't focus on the bad too long or it begins to really REALLY get to me.

1. i'm amazed at this current situation i'm in....... it's exciting and i'm so thankful.

2. i witnessed to a dude today... it was so nerve racking, but i hope i made an impact on him for God. he was a young guy probably early to mid 20's. he was sitting at a corner asking for money... the sign read "need gas money to get back to asheville, please help." and something in me said "you should go talk to him." so i did. i ran into the book store and grabbed a copy of Crazy Love by Francis Chan to give to him and stuck a few bucks in there for gas money. then i went and talked to him. i just prayed a billion times over "God speak through me." and honestly, even though i'm not even sure i made sense, i know it was God speaking through me cause i had no idea what to say. i just went up to him and asked him why he was going to asheville, he told me it was home. i felt so bad for him. he supposedly has been stuck here for 3 days and no one will help him. :( i wish i could have given him like $200 to get him home. but i have no idea if that was just a scam or for real. either way, my point was to witness to him. so i just told him that i felt really compelled for some reason to talk to him and challenge him and his way of thinking. all i said was "i'm not going to stand here and preach at you because i'm sure you've had tons of people already do that and you've heard all the stories in the book, but i just want to challenge you in that if you don't already believe in God, to really rethink that, because i know for me, i can't help but look around me and not find the world itself and all of creation a good enough reason to believe." he told me he believed, so as i smiled i gave him the book and told him that i hope this book can encourage and challenge him in new ways. he told me he was extremely grateful and was excited to read the book... and as i drove off, i saw him already looking at it and reading it. :)

3. i've been wanting to learn how to long board for a really long time, and finally this past sunday my friend taught me and i picked it up pretty dang quick :) i was proud of myself, and now i'm REALLY wanting to buy one.

4. my sister and i were both serving on sunday so we were able to just sit and talk and catch up during second service. it was... very needed. i almost cried though... between a huge burden on my heart and the fact that my sister told me she was proud of me i almost lost it. i know my parents are proud of me, but i don't hear it enough, so any time someone close to me tells me, it seriously makes my day.

5. so i've made a whole slew of new friends through just one of my friends, and i kinda for a while felt like i was just the friend of a friend. so the original friend is gone on vacation, but i was still invited by multiple people to come hang out not only tonight but again friday ^_^ it meant a LOT to me. a whole lot. and i don't think they really realize it.

i'm happy and frustrated. i need more clarification and patience. i'm tired of living at home. it's to the point where i get really sad coming back home. i hate to admit that, but it's true. it's not that i have a bad relationship with my parents, that's not it at all... i just need my space.

one more before i leave

my family and i are going outta town for the week to the beach.

it should be....


interesting.



Don't get me wrong! i LOVE my family, it's just, we're family, and we're comfortable being ourselves. we all have our lovely downfalls that make us all in our own special way, great to be around. i'm praying that we will all keep ourselves (and each other) in check this week. but it will be great to get away one more time before school starts (ACK!).

i now have 3 books (thank you Brandon ^_^) i have to finish reading before fall: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Starving Jesus by Craig Gross and JR Mahon, and finally, Dare 2 Share by Greg Stier. i just wish i liked reading more. well, i do, i just don't make time. i choose other things, like sleeping or mind numbing tv. i'd love to be that cool mysterious girl you see in local coffee shops with her nose in a book. but i'm too busy being (as my aunt says) a free-spirit.

my prayer life has come back to life. i don't think i ever really realized it was dead. i also have Brandon to thank for that. i find myself leaving the radio off and just talking with God. or laying in bed before i doze off praying for my friends and family and our world. i'm trying to desperately to stop praying for myself so much. i wish i were not so selfish... i'd also like some more patience. but that's a different story.

my eyes hurt they're so tired, but my phone is in the middle of updating and i can't really stop it right now. crap.

i'll write more profound thoughts later when i can think clearer.

Roseline

i feel like my life is like a boat in a storm. though i'm not sinking right now, i'm being moved around in the boat and tossed with every wave. life is good, it's just not very... consistent. i haven't been getting a lot of work, so i've been stuck in a lazy haze. it's bad... i need more things to preoccupy my time. i wished i really liked reading, but i just don't. instead i've been spending my time putting henna on myself and sleeping and working out. oh and hanging out with friends of course.

God's been teaching me a lot and i definitely feel like i'm finally being me. not anyone else. i think things will be changing for me again. i think i may have always known it in the back of my head, but i didn't know why.

God's showing me all my passions and teaching me a lot about prayer... but i still long to know him. i want more of Him and less of the rest. i think yesterday was the first day in a very long time i was actually laughed AT for being a christian. it was, sad. but not sad in the way of being embarrassed or like my feelings had been hurt, but sad in the way that it hit me that these people just don't get it. they don't feel the love i feel when my family and i share special moments, the love i feel when i'm engulfed in nature, the love i feel when i read the Bible, the love i feel when God blesses my day with my favorite things... like wind and rain and birds... even when they feel joy from similar moments... it may never be as deep and meaningful as mine is. for i know that because of my love for God and my understanding of how HIS love has affected those around, these moments, are not just moments. my parents love God more than i may know, and because of our families similar tie around God, we have much more grace, understanding, humility, joy. it is when i see nature at it's wildest, i'm reminded of God's creativity... it humbles me. i marvel at how God made things just so. it is when i read His words, i learn just how deeply he loves us all... many say they'd die for another... but i seem to recall only One person actually following through with that thought.


my mom recently bought me (randomly) one of the invisible children bracelets. i used to have 2 more, but they disappeared. God's really been breaking my stubbornness and giving me a passion for people all over. so when i saw the video of Roselines life in Uganda... my heart broke. how could anyone so broken, have so much joy? she sings, she laughs, she loves, she works, she plays, she has dreams.......... she's just like you and me... minus everything. she has aids, she's beyond poor, she has no parents, she barely has a home... yet, she's happy. why can't i be like this? why do i get so stressed? why do i get so stressed i get headaches and have nightmares and tense up my shoulders to the point that i'm miserable in pain. i'm a pushover and find myself in crap situations. why can't i be like Roseline? why can't i just stop wanting and love what i have. this kinda brings me to another thought.

i've been really tempted as of late to fast from wearing make up. i'm really praying hard about something right now to the point of fasting... and i know you don't just have to fast from food. i think it'd be good for me. i'm going to be honest and say that at times i'm really wrapped up in myself. i hate to say it, but i do think i'm beautiful... it's not that i don't want to think not think i'm pretty... because there are lots of things i dislike about myself... but from the neck up, i love what i see. it's why i think it'd be good to rid myself of my security in my make up. i know that when i don't have it on, i'm extremely self-conscious. i think it'd be good to see myself the way God see's me. to learn to love me with or without make up. but i battle this fasting from it. i convince myself i don't have a problem, that i could go with out it, but i don't have to, so i won't. but, i think maybe, i do have a problem.

i'm 20 now. it's a weird age. i don't really remember putting "grow up" on my list of things to do. but whether i want to do it or not, it's happening.

something

i'm eating is NOT working for my stomach. not sure what it is. but whatever it is, has not made my stomach happy lately.

what good would it do?

when a close friend has wronged you... used you and wasn't appreciative, made you feel guilty and selfish... do you confront them? what good would it do? i want to do what God would do... he was ran over, unappreciated, used... what did he do?

i'm just tired of the having the people i'm closest to run me over with a lawn-mower.

Did we lack faith?

This whole prayer thing is really racking my brain. How/what do I pray to God when he has an ultimate will? Or what about the fact that things are sometimes out of our hands? Like diseases? We can only take care of ourselves so much, the rest is just how God designed it all. Several years ago my mom worked at a frame shop with a man who was probably the healthiest man we have ever met. He died of cancer. That doesn't make sense. He was a very committed Christian. We prayed for him as much as we could. He still passed away. So then, whats to say of our prayers? Did we lack faith? Was there really no hope? Is that just a natural cause of things? Or was it just God's will?

I don't believe God WANTS anyone to suffer in any way... but He did make the world and allow it to be as it is. Sinful. Sick. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Hungry. Greedy. Selfish. We chose this. We wanted our own way... look where we got ourselves.

I wish SEBC offered a class covering all this. I wish my church would teach about this.