no thank you

i start school back tomorrow.

i'm not looking forward to it.

that is all.

twitterpated

words can not express how i feel right now. i'm in shock of it all. i don't know how this all happened, but i couldn't be happier. God is truly so good... the way He works and lets things happen just blows my mind. Thank you God.

couple firsts

1. first time going to bed this early since i was probably 3 yrs old
2. swam a mile
3. had this many hours at work since i started.

yup. that's all. time for bed. on top of a very bad night of sleep last night, i swam a good mile... which took me a freakin hour. so i swam for an hour... almost non stop. i'm tired, my body is tired... my heart is tired.

*sigh* just 2 more days.........

coulda done better

i guess all days can't be good... i didn't make it to the gym today which has become my obsession... in a healthy kind of way. i'm not pushing myself too hard... i had just forgotten how much i truly love swimming. so yeah... didn't get to do that. and then i had to go buy my school books which is just depressing. and then, i chose to make a poor decision... basically i sinned. i wish i didn't struggle with this "thing." i know we've all got our own proverbial demons, but i can't shake these loose... and sometimes i don't think i want to. then later i... wow i'm embarrassed... i hit one of those road cones, but not a cone, a freakin' barrel. i hit it with my side mirror and it smashed the poor thing up. luckily it just obliterated the actual mirror part, but the whole thing itself is ok. it was already scratched up from the time it was stolen. my car doesn't stay aligned very well for some reason, so even though less than a month ago i had it realigned, it likes to vear off to the right. brilliant. so then i got pissed thinking God was disciplining me for my poor choice today. then i got even more mad at myself out of embarrassment... which spawned more anger realizing i'm acting just like my father... then i cried... and let go.

the bible study i visited was... well... just more of a vent session. i'm a little frustrated and wish there was more actual teaching instead of just a "what do you think" type of discussion. last time i checked it was called a BIBLE STUDY. not a "lets pick a book and talk about it" study. oh wait... aren't those called book clubs???

ok... so today basically was not so great. but, it's time for bed, and sleep is amazing for crankiness.

right... about that...

i need to go to sleep soon, but just wanted to write real quick...

so how's about Kendall likes making big deals out of, well, nothing. i don't get it. i prayed to God that he would help me find a church where there was a strong community and opportunities to serve (specifically in high school ministry) and a list of other things... i honestly didn't expect God to actually lead me to one. I'm quite shocked and humbled and thankful. it wasn't that i doubted Him, i just know how He works with me. it's usually either a very long process or he does the opposite, which always works out better. but i think because i was so shocked, i freaked out. i just don't want to make a hasty decision and jump from one church to another. also, i don't want to just leave the problem. as much as i love running from my problems and ignoring them, I'm learning that i REALLY can't. it hurts others and myself. so i stuck around for about 2 months, praying, trying to get involved, being optimistic... my close friends even went and confronted the pastors, but none of them had good answers. things just aren't going to change... and quite frankly, i never REALLY felt like it was home for me. I'm praying this time will be different. the thing is, i know that i grew there; that i met people there who challenged me and allowed me to open up to them in ways I've never been able to open up to ANY ONE before. I'm so thankful for that, but i feel my time is over... this season (if you want to call it that) is over. and, I'm OK with that. i feel peaceful, yet nervous. starting over is never easy.

I'm so thankful for my life right now... I'm just praying that God will continue to challenge me, but help me to find joy in him... even in that hard times.

i want to learn how to be a better encouragement to people who are struggling. i want to learn how to better share my faith with others. i want to learn how to be patient. i want to learn how to stand up for myself and be confident in who i am no matter what. i want to learn how to better communicate.