Joy is......

Joy is not a person, place, or thing. It is merely just the result of our perspective on our current situation.

It has seemed that over the past 3 or more months God has slowly but sure been releasing my demons on me. Everything has gone wrong from every angle. I was forced to deal with things I didn’t want to deal with, confront people when I would have rather ran like a fox. I swore there was no hope and it seemed that nothing made it better. All fixes were temporary.

All I knew to do was wait.

But the longer I seemed to sit and wait, the harder my face grew in anger. I doubted mankind. Everything made me want to curse and cry. Nothing gave me hope…

And then finally, one night, I died.

As I sat in a local Qdoba’s late one night talking with my mom I fell apart. It was as if a finally found myself so broken and weary I could do nothing more than just let it all go. But I felt so justified in my anger. “If only you knew what I had been through, you’d understand” I often thought. But I was so wrong. Sure, I had a right to be upset and disappointed, but I had no right to stay that angry for that long. I had no right to allow it to push me so far. I swore I almost lost my faith again.

But something clicked, and something in me died. I let go. Suddenly it all just didn’t seem to matter anymore. Who cares what those people did? Who cares where I live? And who freaking cares about what I have and don’t have?! None of those things matter when it comes right down to it, because my joy is not dependent on those things. Sure times get hard, and we all find ourselves wanting something so bad we have a two-year-old moment and break down over it because we can’t have it. But life goes on! I don’t know if we can hurt God’s feelings, but I can’t help but feel guilty for being so selfish and constantly praying for things I want when I know God is just shaking his head wondering when I’ll ever notice what he has already given me (a new perspective, sunsets, cool air, changing leaves, a warm bed and food to eat, a family i couldn't love enough, music, rain, stars, ravens, flowers, mud, a tender heart....)

And so I find myself on top of a mountain yet again, taking a moment to breath before God pushes me back into the valley to fight another war. And I’m excited. Because I know that the joy I get after those bleak dark moments is incomparable to any other joy I get from anything else. The lessons I have learned from this war and the person God has made me through all this is worth the heartache...the nights spent eating my emotions…the days where I did nothing but curse…the bitter broken heart…Because now I know how to help others. I love people, and I want to help them… help them allow God to wake them up like Christ has woken me up. To help them gain a new perspective on things.

I’m excited to see what God does from here on out. His timing is perfect and His love is untouchable… nothing compares.

In the mean time, I’ll finish what I’ve started, help those whom I can, and pray for proverbial doors to be opened.