in fear and faith

i don't have many fears... not many truly rational ones at least.
i'm truly scared of the dark, of getting old, and of missing out on life.

but something else i'm finding myself fretting over is this summer. at first i was excited, knowing that i'll be able to get my nose pierced and get my tattoos and begin trying to really live my own life, making me own decisions, becoming my own person. and i guess that's what scares me. i find that so often when i'm alone or with friends i feel my age. not too young, but not too old... but when i'm with my parents, i feel 16 again. i get scared to truly speak my mind, to just do what i want to do. i respect them so much... it's why i haven't just gone out and pierced my nose or lied when i wanted to stay out later than curfew or do something i knew they would not approve of. i fear that they will still not allow me to be me when i turn 21. that yes, the little physical things of getting tattoos and piercings they will begrudgingly allow, but the curfew? the hounding questions? the unaccepting looks and resistance towards things i want to do. will those things end too? or get worse? or just stay the same?

it's hard having different convictions than your parents..........

so maybe this goes back to my last fear in the list... missing out on life. i hate looking back on my life sometimes. i truly wonder where i'd be and what i'd be doing if i hadn't just caved when my parents challenged me. gosh dangit! i want to be in another town at another school with new friends and more church options.

i want to run...

but like so many other times, i have to have faith. i'm learning so much through this... patience being the most obvious one. but otherwise i'm learning how to truly respect people, how to have compassion when i'm angered. i'm learning who i am and why i shy away from my true self so many times. i'm learning to just not worry... to just let go and just get over and realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is such a small thing.

i have my brother to thank for this. he's put so many things into perspective for me lately. i think i'm truly learning how to just let go... to not worry, to not let the little things make me want to spit i get so frustrated. it's not worth it... heck! i think i'm taking the stress out on myself in my sleep! i've been waking up so sore some mornings it hurts to move... i'm finding mysterious bruises on my legs... and i'm doing anything extreme right now! i'm reading! that's all i've been doing!

so many thoughts... so many things... i'm thankful God made me this way. i'm thankful that i can't just accept things for how they are, that i question most everything... it's why i crave truth so much when it comes to Him and His laws. i truly want to do what is right and true, it's just hard to act on the gray areas.



"do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. you don't have to live forever, you just have to live"
- Tuk Everlasting







Title by Circa Survive