Drowning in my sleep.

Since i was roughly 16 or 17 years old I've known that i was different. made uniquely for something bigger than my skin. i was made to be in ministry, but not your ordinary ministry. i was made to love on others, hear their stories, relate to them, hug on them, cry with them, speak words of truth to the best of my knowledge, or sometimes just not speak at all........

but it's seems as of late I've lost that drive. I've grown stagnant, frustrated and bitter. the more i open my eyes to the world around me, the more i realize how numb the people are around me. no one cares about anyone but themselves. we fight and scratch and claw our way to the top, only to realize that instead of ruling everyone, everyone's ruling us (mark 10:31). what joy comes from that?

God warns us so much... yet we have hard hearts (mark 10:5ish). He's so simple yet so jealous.

I'm ready for a change. a change of scenery. a change of pace. a change of heart.

I'm looking into doing YWAM (http://ywam.com/). i need a chance to get away. I've been sitting around for far too long. drowning in this sleepy state of life. i feel useless and as if I'm wasting precious time that i could be giving to God. i know what i'm passionate about, but i have no idea how to put that passion into a real life career. i am not running from my problems, i'm more trying to face them head on. i know that when i get back nothing will have changed, i just need a chance to let God work.

people will always tell you that if you want to change the world, you have to first change yourself and be that change.

but it gets awful lonely being the only one changing...

no wonder no one's trying to change.

Christian's

Sometimes I get really embarrassed to call myself a Christian. The
name has been ruined and made into a joke... I don't want people to
think I'm a joke, oblivious to the world around me.

But I still say it anyway whenever people ask me about my tattoos. I
hope that through me God can show himself and then in turn the name he
gave to his children will slowly but surely become less humorous.

hard hearts

this is going to be a lengthy blog entry... I'll just warn ya...



It's come to my attention lately that i may or may not have a serious problem.

I, Kendall Winter, loathe being told what to do. I despise being told what is right and wrong, moral or immoral for my own life.

I'm this weird combination of a people pleaser (i know, not a real word) type and a total rebel. between the two it keeps me from going absolutely crazy and covering myself in tattoos and drinking my weight in beer just out of pure spite.

but it's the guilt that's killing me. since I'm the people pleaser type, i want people to approve of me and the things i choose to do and not do. but I'm constantly surrounded by people of all kinds telling me how i should live my life. between media, my parents, and close friends... i sometimes find myself overwhelmed. i have to constantly stop and ask myself what I know is right and wrong, moral and immoral... what i know is right for myself, what i want for myself.

it saddens me because i know I'm not the only one like this. we all in some way, shape, or form, just want people to see us for who we are and love us despite our faults. we're a messy human race. we say things to each other that should never be said. we do things to each other that should never be done. and we do it all as if it's normal.

this my friends, is why Christ said to treat each other how we want to be treated.

i finally had a conversation with my mom this morning about that very thing. about the guilt that we all put on each other... most of the time unknowingly. how refreshing it was to hear her say that all she wanted for me was what God wants of me.

as we continued talking she told me one of the coolest testimonies I've ever heard.

the other day a man came to service our AC in our home. as my mom began talking to him, they stumbled upon his testimony...

he was a full fledged atheist working in the mafia. one day, having grown tired of the killing... tired of the drugs and chaos, he stopped and thought "what's the point? if i just turn to dust after this, what good am i doing?"... as he pulled out a gun to end his life, a missionary came up and shared with him the best information he'd ever hear. that day he gave his life to Christ. as he prayed he literally felt as if something was being ripped from his chest......the missionary asked him to come to church the next Sunday... his response was merely, "no, i have to see if this thing is real"

that night as he slept he woke to see flames engulfing his room, swirling with rage around him and his sleeping wife. amidst the fire he saw a figure dressed in white standing by the ocean. once he saw Him, he began weeping crying out "LORD LORD! MY LORD FORGIVE ME!"

this man did not even know what prayer was before he met the missionary...he had no idea how he knew to call him Lord.

as he cried out, the man by the ocean wrote on the shore, "i will make you fishers of men"

this man had never heard one word of scripture before this......

the moment his wife woke up it all went away... and all he could do was hold her and weep, crying out "please forgive me... please please forgive me"

it was a year ago that day that she had prayed to God saying "God if you are real... change this man." she had planned on divorcing him, fed up with his lifestyle, that is if God didn't change him first.

.....

as my mom stood there listening to the mans story she began crying, and he chuckled saying "you must think I'm crazy"... but she didn't. he told her how he was unsure if that night was a dream or reality. but what he did know is that we serve a big and powerful God. able to change even the hardest of hearts.

we just all so often lack faith in His mighty power.

Prayer

So this isn't like me, I don't like confessing my problems, no matter
how big or small. I feel like I'm complaining, but I need to ask
something.

Will you please pray for me?

I don't tell many people this because I don't want anyone to freak
out... But I suffer from panic attacks. They're not severe, but
they're getting worse the older I get. I have them once, maybe twice a
month. If you were around me while I was having one, you'd honestly
have no idea. They're not severe like you'd imagine... Basically I
just get really short of breath, very light headed, my heart beats
like a chick-a-dee's, and I get this overwhelming feeling of fear/
worry. But since I've been having them for so long (roughly 5 years
now) I know what to expect and can work through them. But lately it's
been too much. As where I would have had them maybe just a few times
in one day maybe only once I month... I've had one or two for the past
5 days in a row.

It's just too much. It's getting to where I'm having a hard time
holding it together when I have one.

But I serve a big God. And this is not too big for him.

That's all. I Love you guys.

sleep deprivation = nonsense

sometimes i go back and reread my past entries, like my one from last night. and all i can think is...

maybe i shouldn't write entries at 3:04am.


just sayin...

dogs and owls

It's hard to deny the fact that I want to run.........


it's 3:04am on a cool spring night. i left my window open... the neighborhood dogs are barking at the owls. i should sleep... but this quiet evening... this moment alone... it's so rare, yet so very welcomed.

i'm strong enough to fight these on going issues in my life. but i need nights like tonight... moments alone to think and pray to get through them.

i wish i knew how to brush off harsh words. how to not let others affect me... how to find that balance between being humble and respectful, yet bold and proud.

i just can't help but wonder sometimes why God made me the way i am. why he gave me the eyes he gave me. i see things different than most, but not all. i'm grateful for the few i know and call my dear friends who can relate. they remind me that i'm not insane and not alone. i guess this is just yet another lesson i'm learning. something that God is showing me so that i can continue to be the woman he wants me to be for who knows what reason.

one day i'll be a mother, that's a terrifyingly fulfilling thought. but through these trials i'll have learned true mercy and patience. how to communicate and look at things through the eyes of someone else. and maybe, just maybe, my kids won't struggle as much as i have.


but if they're anything like me......


i pray God shows them the same mercy he showed me all these long years.

Forgiveness breeds freedom.

it's baffling to me how influential our families are. how a simple word or action from a mother or father or even a cousin can cause a life long alteration that will either make us or break us.

i've been praying really hard for my family recently. finding myself to the point of being heart broken over the state in which we are all in. i include myself in this when i say this, but my family is horribly broken. and i don't mean this in that we aren't a close family... but in that we all personally deal with something too big for any man to fix... something that only God himself can heal in us. and i can't help but wonder why... why is it that we all have this one tragic thing in common. and it is simply that none of us, not even myself, know how to handle our issues. whether they be as small as a pet dying or a cheating spouse. so we all find ourselves in a cycle of self medication. none of us running to our true Father for help, but to the world...

why is it so hard for us to forgive? to let go and just brush our knees off and keep going? why do NONE of us realize that by us holding onto these hurts, we are only hurting ourselves. and then we are so blind to see that we allow these hurts to control our lives... making us live in fear and anxiety. God did not make his children to live these sorts of lives. we are to live boldly, love hard, and take advantage of the lives he blessed us with. i even have to ask myself this... why can i not just forgive? why can i not simply let go of these past hurts and just honestly not care what those people did to me? the past is the past. i have to learn from it and move on. i have got to come to terms with the fact that i may NEVER get an apology from those people, but yet still forgive them just the same. forgetting the past, and moving on. i have got to learn how to handle my problems in a healthy way. and most importantly, forgive others, just like Christ forgives me.

i truly believe that forgiveness breeds freedom. that is why we are free in Christ... he bled himself dry for us, so that in that beautifully horrific act of love and forgiveness, we are free.

oh yeah, and here's this...

one day i'll figure it out.

again. let me say.


growing up is really, really, hard.


that is all.

sometimes i go to http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ just so i don't feel so alone in my erratic behavior.

growing up...

growing up is really hard, but finally having conversations with your parents as "adults" is one of the most fulfilling feelings, ever.

since i moved home, my mom and i have been staying up late talking. we used to do this a lot growing up when i lived at home. i remember a lot of those conversations would end badly, both of us trying to get our points across... yet holding things back out of fear. but for once i'm finally feeling utterly free to speak my heart and mind to her. and not in a disrespectful way, but in an honest, gentle, and fearless way. i'm proud of who God has made me, sure of His Holy Spirit in me, and i'm excited to share with my mom the things God has taught me.

i can't help but feel like God has destined me for something unique... to not live ordinary.

these past... roughly 9 months... have been some of the hardest times in my life. i feel like i relived my CIU experience in a way; finally free to make my own decisions, yet free to suffer the consequences. i may not be able to really talk about everything i did with my mom, but i don't feel that it's necessary... what is necessary is to show her that i've grown. that i admit i made some really idiotic decisions, but i learned from them. i told her the other day i feel as if God taught me all these things, and now He's throwing me into a test to see what i've really learned and what i'll really hold onto. even my parents are doing this to me. i've had to make some seriously big decisions over the past week and half, and every time i go to my parents to seek their wisdom, they simply tell me, it's my decision to make... i'm old enough now. they'll share with me their insight if i ask it, but it's up to me now. finally... i'm feeling as if i'm finally living my life. and it's extremely exciting, yet horribly terrifying.

one big thing that keeps coming up right now is the issue of my tattoo. my mom and i had a long but good conversation about it a couple nights ago. i had to boldly but kindly stick up to her and ask her to not make nasty remarks about it when i mention it. and funny enough, when i did, she had no idea she was doing that... she apologized... and it opened the door to an amazing conversation. we both came to the conclusion that she has this gut feeling that i shouldn't get it, but i have this gut feeling that i should. and when my mom and i speak of gut feelings, we mean we believe God is telling us to do/not do something. also, my mom and i have always had this weird connection where we just KNOW something is wrong with the other person... without them having to tell us. it's happened many many times... so when she get's gut feelings, i don't shrug them off.

i remember being 6 or 7 years old telling my mom i loved God more than her and dad...

my mom and God are throwing me into two separate tests...

with all that said, who do i listen to?

the God I've loved since before i can remember, or my own mother who has a gut feeling...

We're going public with this...

I read something really really encouraging today in Matthew. I've found myself really nervous to get my tattoo lately. I couldn't figure it out... why now? Why a month before I get it... all was going smoothly... it was like it literally just fell into place. But I couldn't help but be nervous. And finally I figured it out. I was letting others get to me....... "You’ll regret it" "it will look trashy" "you'll struggle finding a job" "don't you know all those stories are just stories? They aren't true??" "You want to get a WHALE SHARK?!".... etc.

But read this...

Matthew 5:10-16 (the message)

"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. "Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble. Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

As I read that I couldn't help but grin. It was like God was saying "Kendall stop! Be proud of who I’ve made you to be! Be proud of those hard lessons you learned. Now go and share what I’ve done in you... how you almost lost you faith, how I taught you not to worry or fear man, how I taught you that who you are on the inside is who you will eventually become on the outside."..... Or at least that's what it sounded like to me.

I want to be proud of who God made me. I want to be a light to this dark world, salt to this tasteless generation. I want to be like the disciples who rejoiced when hard times came their way. I want to stop worrying what people think of me and just be myself!

But really, I just want to be more like Christ...

first day

well my first day was not as bad as i had expected. funny how your attitude on stuff completely changes every thing. i was 15 minutes late because people are ridiculous, the teacher i have for math is CRAZY... she yells and is old and extremely strict, my biology lab is a bloody free for all, and my actual biology class is boring. but i've had all these teachers before, so i know what to expect. i usually get really irritated by people making me late, but whatever... it's the first day, stuff happens.

also a girl in my class is named Cinnamon... how can you not smile at that? hahaha...

Starting today i'm going to try to read through the new testament in 3o days.

and i'm ready for warm spring sunshine.

school and bad attitudes

tomorrow i start school. such a freakin bitter-sweet thing. i love having things to do. i hate just sitting around. but this isn't the most ideal "thing" i'd love to do with my time. i often question why i'm even in school. i have no idea what i'll do after. i have no idea if i'll even need my associates degree, but better safe than sorry i suppose. i have a bad attitude about it, i know i do. kinda like i did today during church.

it's hard to get myself out of a funk once i'm in one. or at least i can't do it on my own. i can try and just pray about it, but that just makes me focus on it more which causes me basically to be venting at God. the only thing that can get me out of it is to either A. take a nap, or B. have a friend make me laugh. i'm sort of still 5 years old at times. and i really don't want to be like this anymore.

i've been really struggling trusting God lately, and i don't have any idea why. you'd think after all i've been through i'd be able to just let go of stuff and know that in the end, God will take care of me. but i just can't. i've made amazing friends over the past couple weeks, and i'm really struggling not putting a wall up between them and me. they're amazing people, i have no reason to not trust them, so now it's just a fear issue. i'm scared i'll lose them... that something ridiculous will happen and i'll lose their friendship. because that is how it has always been my entire life with my friends. just when i get really close to them, something happens, and i lose them. i can't bear to lose any more friends right now. and the whole thought of this threw me into a massive funk the other day. the more i thought about it, the more scared and sad i got, and then it just flat out sucked.

i really feel like i need a solid woman in my life to sort of be a "mentor" type person to me. someone i can invest my heart in... that can know me inside and out and be horribly honest with me and keep me accountable. that'd be freakin sweet.

ok... sleep. school in the morning...

in case i ever forget.....

God does answer prayers.

been climbing trees, i've skinned my knees......

i visited Center City Church tonight. and let me just preface all this by saying i was really nervous to visit. almost so nervous to the point of not wanting to go. but, i did. there was a part of me that was really humble and open to everyone, but at the same time i had my usual wall up... giving the whole experience the stiff arm in a sense. because after all, it only takes falling down once to show you it hurts, a lot.

we all got to David (the pastor) and his wife's house tonight and hung out for about an hour and then we started the meeting by praying together for one of our good friends. i was trying so hard to be open and willing to hear what David had to say, but i just couldn't help but put everything he said into question. as he began sharing with us all that God has been teaching him over the past 4 months, i couldn't help but find myself relating so dearly to where his heart is at. and then, before i knew it, he was quoting my favorite passage in the bible, Matthew 6:26. and that is when i broke down. i've been crying a lot lately, and i'm ok with that. i'm very weak right now. i feel like a new born baby in a sense, very much alive and well, but weak and needing others to care for me and listen to me cry. after he finished, i found myself truly excited for them and for what God was doing through them. i really only had one question at the end of it all, and that was, how are you guys doing church differently? you keep saying you're doing it differently, but what does that mean? what does that look like? sound like? and before i knew it, i got it. it all suddenly made sense. and it's hard to put into words how they're doing things differently because it's completely different from EVERY OTHER CHURCH i've visited, ever, period. they are simply loving God with EVERYTHING they have, and in return it is making them into the most tender, genuine, and loving people i've ever met. i've never felt so free to be myself around them. they seem to get me, which is a weird feeling to experience. i'm so used to loving on people, i'm not sure how to feel about them loving on me. i'm used to being ran over and used. i must have cried 3 or 4 times tonight. i'm simply amazed by these people and how very Christian they are. and that is intense for me to say. i rarely want to call people Christians, but i feel in my own eyes that they are very much so Christ like and that they also very much are a great example of what church is supposed to look like. they aren't a show, they aren't lights or sounds or a website or just an idea... they are a group of people loving God and loving others the best way they can. they are literally doing church. they are trying their best to show others the freedom they have found in Christ. and that love and passion is horribly contagious. not say they're perfect, because i am sure without a shadow of a doubt, in some way shape or form they will mess up, and that is ok. because my joy is not found in them, my joy is found in Christ. but i cannot help but be excited to see what Christ is doing in all of this. i don't know if this is where God is calling me... it seems highly likely that this is where i'll end up. but that is only me saying that because they have a very similar heart as i do. but, i want God's will. i'm tired of forcing my own will into my life. it just doesn't fit.

heart issue

it's amazing how two people can do the exact same thing but only one person can be justified in their action because of the state in which their heart is at.

my mom and i some how find ourselves talking about me getting a tattoo a lot. it's kind of tiring, i can't lie. because she's scared i'll regret it. and the more she talks about me regretting it, the more i'm becoming fearful of getting it. but i don't want to let that sway my decision. as we sat and talked about this today we got on the conversation about how everything goes back to the condition in which your heart is in. your motives behind doing that "thing."

like for example. sometimes i don't push myself to go to the gym because i know that the only reason i want to go is because i want to look hot. that's not the right reason. it should be me being concerned for my health that motivates me to go to the gym and eat right. or another example would be drinking alcohol. there's nothing wrong with drinking alcohol, but what is wrong when you use alcohol to medicate your problems or try to look "cool" because you're drinking.

it's just a funny thing how two people can do the exact same thing (get a tattoo, try really hard to eat right and work out, drinking... etc...) but one person has no right to be doing that thing while the other is totally justified.

it's a heart issue sort of thing.

power of prayer

all i can do is sit here in awe at how amazing God worked everything out in my life. i seriously do not even know how to put into words how... joyful, i am. but, i will try to explain...

not long ago i was letting go of friends who i thought were good for me, but were only pulling me down. i sat on my bedroom floor crying and praying wondering how I'd make it through this tough time. I'm not good alone. i seriously start wigging out. I've been praying that God would bring friends along who i could be a part of something big with, some sort of ministry. a group of friends who lifted me up and saw things the way God has taught me to see. not to say I'm perfect or see things exactly right, but just a group of friends who would have a similar heart as mine. similar passions... and I'm seriously shaking my head in awe at how God has done JUST that. i met this kid Will about a week ago through a mutual friend of ours. he invited me to come hang out with his friends one night at their place. i was honestly really hesitant for the first time in my life. i don't know why, but I've never been so nervous to hang out with a group of people i didn't know in my entire life. but I've never felt more comfortable around a group of people as i did that night. as we all sat there in a circle laughing and talking about life i couldn't help but realize that i was among good people and good company. they all welcomed me in so whole heartily. and then tonight, we all hung out again.........

today was by far one of the strangest days I've had in a long time. i woke up feeling fine. but as my day got going, i just felt, off. like something was wrong or like i had forgotten something but couldn't remember. and then as the day grew on, it turned from a curious feeling to a panicked feeling. i came home from being with a good friend of mine and i called my mom and i literally stood in my kitchen and cried on the phone to my mom. i was terrified. i hadn't felt like this in a long time... the last time i felt like this was when i was on a mission trip and there was a spiritual war-fare going on around me. all i had asked my mom was "have you ever had days where you just felt like something was wrong, but you couldn't figure it out?" and all she said was "yes... like today" that was when i started crying, because she felt the same way. i KNEW something wasn't right but didn't know what. so i packed up my bag and just got out of my house as fast as i could. something was NOT right, but i didn't know. as i drove home i prayed and cried asking God to free me from this, to protect me and my family... and by the time i got to my parents house i felt like i could finally breath. i came in and sat on my parents couch and then before i knew it, all was calm and i felt fine. and then... Will called me. everyone was going to go hang out again. and i can't lie, i got way more excited than i needed to be, but i was stoked that they all wanted to hang out with ME again. because I'm ridiculous, i don't make sense and i have a strong heart. i know what i believe and I'm not afraid to stand up for it. OK that's not always true. but I'm getting better at it..... but i have a strange sense of humor and a huge heart for God and people and i seriously just feel like i'm such a weird mix of things that it does NOT make sense....... but anyways.... we all hung out again tonight. and i can NOT tell you how amazed i am at all this. God literally has answered my prayer in almost exact detail. and the thing is, even if God chooses to take this away from me too, i can look back and laugh at the memories, i can be thankful for that break and that moment to breath and be with good people. the ability to see that there ARE good people on this earth... there are solid Christians who ACTUALLY GET IT. and i can let go and trust that God will take care of me and be truly thankful for Him blessing me with these awesome moments.

because truly, all i need is Him.