so our internet has been acting lame lately, hence the lack of posts. i'm tired right now, which could lead to irrational thinking, but i'm trying to just relax and not think so much. though it sucks because i have a LOT on my mind...
1. school just started. i'm nervous. i've not done so hot... well... ever. but i'm ready to try again. i really want to do well. i'm just nervous that this feeling will go away and i'll loose motivation... like i always do :/
2. I. a lot is happening this summer. first of all, it's the last summer before my friend Aaron goes off to college. then "the 4" will officially be all apart for a very long time. it could potentially be the end of us. and one of my really close girlfriends has mentioned moving so this could also be the last summer we have together.
II. i turn 20. that's... a weird feeling. possibly (hopefully) the last summer living at home. i'd like to move out by 21... ok so maybe i'll have 2 more summers.
anyhow.
II. there's an internship available for me to go and do in west virginia helping lead up some mission trips. it would be an amazing growing experience for me... spiritually, maturity wise, independence... it would definitely help me to grow up a lot. then there's the whole thing about how i'm finally making AMAZING friends. i love my church and i want to be here to get involved and be with my amazing friends and family. most of my reasons for staying here this summer are selfish. i kinda... maybe... think i should go. i just second guess myself A LOT and i HAAAAATE missing out on stuff.
3. i'm finally content being single. no really. like. seriously. i'm happy and i love it. i don't know what finally clicked, but it did. and i'm happy.
4. i've just all of the sudden found myself growing up a lot. though i guess it makes a LOT of sense. i've been reading my bible a lot. this new year i decided my new years resolution was to just do better. to stop slacking and going "man i know i should do ___" and just shut up and do it. if i see myself slacking, to smack myself and just do better. i know i'll have my bad days, but that's normal. but if i just try to do my best, then i know that i can't be too disappointed with myself.
5. everyone has been talking about elections a lot to me. and i honestly have NO idea if i will even vote. i know i should care more. but i just... well, frankly, hate politics.
basically, whether i like it or not, i'm growing up.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
revelation
out of no where, though probably through much conversation and realization, I've changed. yet again I'm not who i was. and at the perfect timing too... it's the new year.
lately I've been wondering to myself why I've always felt this "need" for a boyfriend. i never quite figured it out until tonight. my mom. my mom has caused this. well... maybe not. BUT i have a strange hunch that she (unknowingly) has caused this desire. ever since i can remember, any time i liked a guy (even when i was like 10!) she would some what push the whole thing. not always, but 99.9% of the time she was sticking her nose in my business hurrying it along. i can remember being like 9 or 10 years old and my mom trying to get me to kick the soccer ball with the cute boy who was my age at the soccer field. i feel like with most if not all of my "relationships" my mom has tried to make more of it than it was. for example, me sending my crush a care package when he wasn't even talking to me anymore in attempts to make him crush back. maybe this is why I've always done the pursuing! maybe this is why I've always felt like if i wanted a guys attention, i had to go and get it. i had to go out of my way and be someone I'm not to get them. i think i finally realized this tonight when i mentioned to my mom that i knew a guy on TV. before i could get up out of my seat, she was searching the Internet for this guy! he's like 31 and not mine or my sisters type! in fact, we've both met him and do NOT like him. but she was bound and DETERMINED to see who this guy was. i literally was getting angry, but couldn't figure out why. but now i know. now i have the answer to so many questions going through my head. I'm not mad at my mom, she was only trying to help and be a part of my life. but now, I'm just confused and frustrated and don't know how to just be friends with a guy. any time I'd ever mention that i met a "nice" guy at school/work/church my mom had to immediately try and find this person through the Internet. then if he seemed decent, she'd hint and push and poke at the subject until it either worked or came crashing down. and well dang it, I'm tired of it! i just would like to be friends with guys and not be so obsessed!
anyways. my new years was amazing. probably one of the best ones I've had yet... despite the drama that TRIED to wriggle into my life. and that's probably why it was so great... i didn't let other peoples drama and silly immature behavior stress me out! i let it go and just relaxed and had an amaaaazing time. i danced my way into the new year. and for once, I'm feeling this confidence in myself that i haven't felt in a long time.
so this is the new year, and i feel so very different.
lately I've been wondering to myself why I've always felt this "need" for a boyfriend. i never quite figured it out until tonight. my mom. my mom has caused this. well... maybe not. BUT i have a strange hunch that she (unknowingly) has caused this desire. ever since i can remember, any time i liked a guy (even when i was like 10!) she would some what push the whole thing. not always, but 99.9% of the time she was sticking her nose in my business hurrying it along. i can remember being like 9 or 10 years old and my mom trying to get me to kick the soccer ball with the cute boy who was my age at the soccer field. i feel like with most if not all of my "relationships" my mom has tried to make more of it than it was. for example, me sending my crush a care package when he wasn't even talking to me anymore in attempts to make him crush back. maybe this is why I've always done the pursuing! maybe this is why I've always felt like if i wanted a guys attention, i had to go and get it. i had to go out of my way and be someone I'm not to get them. i think i finally realized this tonight when i mentioned to my mom that i knew a guy on TV. before i could get up out of my seat, she was searching the Internet for this guy! he's like 31 and not mine or my sisters type! in fact, we've both met him and do NOT like him. but she was bound and DETERMINED to see who this guy was. i literally was getting angry, but couldn't figure out why. but now i know. now i have the answer to so many questions going through my head. I'm not mad at my mom, she was only trying to help and be a part of my life. but now, I'm just confused and frustrated and don't know how to just be friends with a guy. any time I'd ever mention that i met a "nice" guy at school/work/church my mom had to immediately try and find this person through the Internet. then if he seemed decent, she'd hint and push and poke at the subject until it either worked or came crashing down. and well dang it, I'm tired of it! i just would like to be friends with guys and not be so obsessed!
anyways. my new years was amazing. probably one of the best ones I've had yet... despite the drama that TRIED to wriggle into my life. and that's probably why it was so great... i didn't let other peoples drama and silly immature behavior stress me out! i let it go and just relaxed and had an amaaaazing time. i danced my way into the new year. and for once, I'm feeling this confidence in myself that i haven't felt in a long time.
so this is the new year, and i feel so very different.
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