i don't have many fears... not many truly rational ones at least.
i'm truly scared of the dark, of getting old, and of missing out on life.
but something else i'm finding myself fretting over is this summer. at first i was excited, knowing that i'll be able to get my nose pierced and get my tattoos and begin trying to really live my own life, making me own decisions, becoming my own person. and i guess that's what scares me. i find that so often when i'm alone or with friends i feel my age. not too young, but not too old... but when i'm with my parents, i feel 16 again. i get scared to truly speak my mind, to just do what i want to do. i respect them so much... it's why i haven't just gone out and pierced my nose or lied when i wanted to stay out later than curfew or do something i knew they would not approve of. i fear that they will still not allow me to be me when i turn 21. that yes, the little physical things of getting tattoos and piercings they will begrudgingly allow, but the curfew? the hounding questions? the unaccepting looks and resistance towards things i want to do. will those things end too? or get worse? or just stay the same?
it's hard having different convictions than your parents..........
so maybe this goes back to my last fear in the list... missing out on life. i hate looking back on my life sometimes. i truly wonder where i'd be and what i'd be doing if i hadn't just caved when my parents challenged me. gosh dangit! i want to be in another town at another school with new friends and more church options.
i want to run...
but like so many other times, i have to have faith. i'm learning so much through this... patience being the most obvious one. but otherwise i'm learning how to truly respect people, how to have compassion when i'm angered. i'm learning who i am and why i shy away from my true self so many times. i'm learning to just not worry... to just let go and just get over and realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is such a small thing.
i have my brother to thank for this. he's put so many things into perspective for me lately. i think i'm truly learning how to just let go... to not worry, to not let the little things make me want to spit i get so frustrated. it's not worth it... heck! i think i'm taking the stress out on myself in my sleep! i've been waking up so sore some mornings it hurts to move... i'm finding mysterious bruises on my legs... and i'm doing anything extreme right now! i'm reading! that's all i've been doing!
so many thoughts... so many things... i'm thankful God made me this way. i'm thankful that i can't just accept things for how they are, that i question most everything... it's why i crave truth so much when it comes to Him and His laws. i truly want to do what is right and true, it's just hard to act on the gray areas.
"do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. you don't have to live forever, you just have to live"
- Tuk Everlasting
Title by Circa Survive
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
6th grade
when i was in 6th grade i entered an art contest on courage... i won first place in my grade. i did a collage that basically was a bunch of little people that all looked the same and then in the midst of them all was one little guy that was completely different. i called it Courage to be Me... well actually, i remember having originally named it Courage to be Different but when the reporter talked to my mom instead of me, she called it Courage to be Me. it was published in the newspaper and we got one of the copies. well i had lost the paper many years ago and during one of my moms many cleaning fits, she found it. how "ironic" is it that she found that during one of my many moments of just struggling to be myself. :) God is cool...
i visited Renevatus today. it was... good. the message was humbling and raw and right on, but their denomination gives me the heebie geebies. i talked to the pastor for a bit about it all and he didn't really clarify anything but gave me more questions and just made me skeptical. good church, just not for me. so on to the next... i'm going to try Warehouse, and then Elevation (ugh... don't want to, but a friend has been begging me to go... soooo we'll see). then after that... who knows. i'm trying not to get discouraged. i know i'll never find the PERFECT church, but there's GOT to be at least one that is somewhat what i'm looking for.
i'm excited... i think i'm FINALLY figuring out what i want to do for my tattoo. i've compiled all three of my ideas... i still need to find some more pictures of what i want, then go talk to some local artists, get the final details, prices, etc... i'm excited. i REALLY like this idea and i think it may just be the one i'm going to get for sure.
i visited Renevatus today. it was... good. the message was humbling and raw and right on, but their denomination gives me the heebie geebies. i talked to the pastor for a bit about it all and he didn't really clarify anything but gave me more questions and just made me skeptical. good church, just not for me. so on to the next... i'm going to try Warehouse, and then Elevation (ugh... don't want to, but a friend has been begging me to go... soooo we'll see). then after that... who knows. i'm trying not to get discouraged. i know i'll never find the PERFECT church, but there's GOT to be at least one that is somewhat what i'm looking for.
i'm excited... i think i'm FINALLY figuring out what i want to do for my tattoo. i've compiled all three of my ideas... i still need to find some more pictures of what i want, then go talk to some local artists, get the final details, prices, etc... i'm excited. i REALLY like this idea and i think it may just be the one i'm going to get for sure.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
good night
it's official, i'm becoming nocturnal again... and i love it. had it not been quite so cold, i would have sat outside and watched the sky. i saw 2 shooting stars on the way home... one brighter than i had ever seen... i swore i could see the fire.
i love my brother. never have i ever been able to talk to anyone quite so freely in my entire life. yes of course there are things he doesn't know about me, but i'm sure it's mutual. i've never had someone challenge me in my thinking with out actually "challenging" me. we sat for at least 2 hours talking tonight about life, love, and God. i wish i could have recorded our conversation for a later time.
i wish i could talk to mom like that. she just doesn't get it sometimes, but she's a mom. she doesn't have to understand, she just has to have the answers. i talked to her about some of the things my brother and i talked about, but i knew she wouldn't respond the same. i just shared with her my thoughts on church and love. how i feel so lonely sometimes because i'm so different. i'm such a weird mish-mosh of things, but i guess that's why i can easily fit in with anyone, and easily go into chamelion mode and change so easily and forget who i am..........
i think i may just figured a bit of myself out....
it scares me to think of ever having a husband... i just can't see it happening, but i can't see myself without one either.
whatever... on to more joyful thoughts...
school is out and i'm obsessed with Twilight. (God? i want someone like that... just in case you didn't know..........). i could have finished the book tonight if i wanted, i'm not quite aware of just how tired i am, i think i could stay up all night if i wanted... but i don't want it to end.
this summer is probably going to be the best summer for a while. i'll be turning 21, i'll get my tattoos and nose pierced. mom and dad will no longer be able to tell me what to do, yet i'll still feel guilty when i drink or smoke hookah or stay out late or hang with people who aren't christian. this summer i'll be taking my last classes at cpcc and i'll finally get my dang associates degree. i'll be free, almost. hopefully by then i'll be settled into a church and surrounded by good friends. speaking of... i'm going to visit some other churches for sure come the new year. or maybe after this sunday. i can't believe it's almost christmas. i can only trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the right decision.... *sigh* if only i knew what that was, i wouldn't question it, i'd just do it.
i work tomorrow, and for once i kind of wish i didn't. i want to go visit an art museum and spend more time with my brother. i have to close, aaagain. which means i'll get little-no sleep before church sunday. maybe i should consider napping in my car during second service. though i don't think i'll be joining everyone for lunch, i want to try and catch up with old friends. and i guess i'll kill time until youth group.
i may have to slowly fade out of these peoples lives. i've done it before... too many times. i'm becoming good at it.
i love my brother. never have i ever been able to talk to anyone quite so freely in my entire life. yes of course there are things he doesn't know about me, but i'm sure it's mutual. i've never had someone challenge me in my thinking with out actually "challenging" me. we sat for at least 2 hours talking tonight about life, love, and God. i wish i could have recorded our conversation for a later time.
i wish i could talk to mom like that. she just doesn't get it sometimes, but she's a mom. she doesn't have to understand, she just has to have the answers. i talked to her about some of the things my brother and i talked about, but i knew she wouldn't respond the same. i just shared with her my thoughts on church and love. how i feel so lonely sometimes because i'm so different. i'm such a weird mish-mosh of things, but i guess that's why i can easily fit in with anyone, and easily go into chamelion mode and change so easily and forget who i am..........
i think i may just figured a bit of myself out....
it scares me to think of ever having a husband... i just can't see it happening, but i can't see myself without one either.
whatever... on to more joyful thoughts...
school is out and i'm obsessed with Twilight. (God? i want someone like that... just in case you didn't know..........). i could have finished the book tonight if i wanted, i'm not quite aware of just how tired i am, i think i could stay up all night if i wanted... but i don't want it to end.
this summer is probably going to be the best summer for a while. i'll be turning 21, i'll get my tattoos and nose pierced. mom and dad will no longer be able to tell me what to do, yet i'll still feel guilty when i drink or smoke hookah or stay out late or hang with people who aren't christian. this summer i'll be taking my last classes at cpcc and i'll finally get my dang associates degree. i'll be free, almost. hopefully by then i'll be settled into a church and surrounded by good friends. speaking of... i'm going to visit some other churches for sure come the new year. or maybe after this sunday. i can't believe it's almost christmas. i can only trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the right decision.... *sigh* if only i knew what that was, i wouldn't question it, i'd just do it.
i work tomorrow, and for once i kind of wish i didn't. i want to go visit an art museum and spend more time with my brother. i have to close, aaagain. which means i'll get little-no sleep before church sunday. maybe i should consider napping in my car during second service. though i don't think i'll be joining everyone for lunch, i want to try and catch up with old friends. and i guess i'll kill time until youth group.
i may have to slowly fade out of these peoples lives. i've done it before... too many times. i'm becoming good at it.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
"you're not typical....
i love the rain. i love everything about it... the smell, the taste, the way it sounds and feels... i love the way it looks... threatening yet purifying. i love the way it reflects the sun after the clouds have passed. i love driving in it, i love running in it, playing in it, laying in it.
why do i see things like this? i don't see things how others see it... maybe. i see art in everything. i see faces in tiles and beauty in garbage. i'm thankful for this, it helps me not become depressed when things are uncomfortable. even the dark and trains and heights that i fear so much, are beautiful to me in their own ways; the dark for its ability to hide things and make my heart race and make my senses come alive, trains for holding stories and graffiti and passengers, height for its tempting fear... why do i feel like i'm just going to lose control of myself when i'm on the side of something high?
i love the way raindrops slide down the glass of windows, i love old cobwebs, and things that are worn out never look worn out to me... merely loved and used well. like an old guitar or antique furniture or converse shoes...
why do i see things like this? i don't see things how others see it... maybe. i see art in everything. i see faces in tiles and beauty in garbage. i'm thankful for this, it helps me not become depressed when things are uncomfortable. even the dark and trains and heights that i fear so much, are beautiful to me in their own ways; the dark for its ability to hide things and make my heart race and make my senses come alive, trains for holding stories and graffiti and passengers, height for its tempting fear... why do i feel like i'm just going to lose control of myself when i'm on the side of something high?
i love the way raindrops slide down the glass of windows, i love old cobwebs, and things that are worn out never look worn out to me... merely loved and used well. like an old guitar or antique furniture or converse shoes...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
don't worry little bird
my mom and i spend many nights just talking for hours on life. i've been catching her up on everything. it's making me laugh that i was just wanting for the longest time for her to just be like a mature best friend, and now i'm just wanting her to tell me what i need to do. do i stay at UCF? do i leave? and all she says is "oh Kendall... God will show you..."
UGH! no! you tell me!!! haha...
i have 2 main reasons for why i don't want to take on the internship (that is, if they can even do it) at UCF. 1. i don't want to transfer starbucks stores. i love my store! i love the relationships i've built and the trust i have with those people. i love my manager, even though he is creepy haha... he's lost too. i'm discovering that that place IS my ministry. 2. how are they going to give me an internship when none of those things are appealing to me? how are you going to make one up for just loving people?
i'm just freaking out because people are throwing options at me and making me decide when i have no true idea where i'm going and what i'm doing. i'm just taking life one day at a time. just let me be people!
it's hard seeking "wise counsel" when all my counselers are biased. mom and dad understand where i am at, and they know me for me... so of course they encourage me to just be myself and find a church that fits me. yet David loves his church so of course he's going to push me to find a way to stay.
good freakin greif. i'm over it.
it's like i can see pros and cons to both sides. i stay at UCF and i'm challenged in truly being myself, reaching out to the people in my community; pushed outside of my comfort zone... learning to be patient and not complain.
but if i leave, i'll be challenged to go outside of my community and reach people. which is honestly what i feel is most biblical. yes, we need to be building eachother up in the church... but the church is supposed to be a body of believers. i'll be closer to home, i can stay at my starbucks and continue to work in those peoples lives. i'll be challenged to make sure i'm not becoming comfortable and stagnant.
gosh dangit, i'm just going to flip a coin.
but i'm happy :) i can tell something big is about to happen. i can just feel it. maybe i'm just excited for the break haha... but either way. something exciting is about to happen. i know the Holy Spirit will direct me and help me, if i let him.
UGH! no! you tell me!!! haha...
i have 2 main reasons for why i don't want to take on the internship (that is, if they can even do it) at UCF. 1. i don't want to transfer starbucks stores. i love my store! i love the relationships i've built and the trust i have with those people. i love my manager, even though he is creepy haha... he's lost too. i'm discovering that that place IS my ministry. 2. how are they going to give me an internship when none of those things are appealing to me? how are you going to make one up for just loving people?
i'm just freaking out because people are throwing options at me and making me decide when i have no true idea where i'm going and what i'm doing. i'm just taking life one day at a time. just let me be people!
it's hard seeking "wise counsel" when all my counselers are biased. mom and dad understand where i am at, and they know me for me... so of course they encourage me to just be myself and find a church that fits me. yet David loves his church so of course he's going to push me to find a way to stay.
good freakin greif. i'm over it.
it's like i can see pros and cons to both sides. i stay at UCF and i'm challenged in truly being myself, reaching out to the people in my community; pushed outside of my comfort zone... learning to be patient and not complain.
but if i leave, i'll be challenged to go outside of my community and reach people. which is honestly what i feel is most biblical. yes, we need to be building eachother up in the church... but the church is supposed to be a body of believers. i'll be closer to home, i can stay at my starbucks and continue to work in those peoples lives. i'll be challenged to make sure i'm not becoming comfortable and stagnant.
gosh dangit, i'm just going to flip a coin.
but i'm happy :) i can tell something big is about to happen. i can just feel it. maybe i'm just excited for the break haha... but either way. something exciting is about to happen. i know the Holy Spirit will direct me and help me, if i let him.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
smoke filled memories
Yesterday was a somewhat odd day. let me just say that i'm really tired of thinking. i'm not the kind of person that can just take on some type of information and not make it personal in some way.
lately, as i'm sure you may have known, i've been just flat out frustrated. i've been mad at myself for how immature and foolish i've been. i've been struggling to just be myself. i've been wanting to move out, though suddenly i kind of don't mind living at home... whatever... and i've been struggling with church. well yesterday i was finally able to just sit and talk with David, my pastor. it was really encouraging. even though i left knowing that things aren't going to get better, that all these frustrations are normal, and that i'll never find the church i'm looking for... i was encouraged to know i'm not alone in my frustrations, that these frustrations were ok and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. he offered me an internship position at the church... i'm not sure what i'll do. ultimately, whatever decision i make, i just want to know that in the end i made the most wise decision i know to make... but this is what i'm thinking about all this... i know i'll never find the perfect church. but there's a part of me that feels that if most churches are just the same, why not find one that is closer and has that more artsy side to it with more people my age. but then what if i become too comfortable in that situation? then what am i to do? but if i stay here, take on that internship, i'll be pushed to be myself in situations where most people don't understand me or see things the way i do. i'll be pushed to be in ministry and love on people. ultimately, if i want to be challenged, i need to be in places that aren't comfortable. but what do i do when i just need a break? i'm finding myself just tired, fighting myself, fighting Gods work... i guess that's where i have the close friends God has blessed me with. that's where i run to Him. that's where i just stop, let go, get up, and move on. i was encouraged as i talked to david about all this yesterday. it's nice to know that he gets discouraged too trying to work in peoples lives and just seeing them being so resistant. he encouraged me saying that that is when you know you're doing the right thing... you know you're challenging people when they start fighting you. he encouraged me saying that now maybe i can get just a small taste of what Jesus felt all the time when He was working in peoples lives.
i guess what i really need, is just a break. just a moment to breath and catch up. to be able to sit and write in my journal for hours and not feel guilty about it because i know i need to be doing homework instead. this christmas break is needed.
after David and i met, i went out with a bunch of friends from work for a going away party for one of my shift managers. oh! that's another thing... if i take the internship i'll have to either A. get a new job, or B. transfer, AGAIN. which i have no idea if they'll let me. but anyways... last night we went to the penguin. i was really excited to get that time with those people knowing that a lot of them are really lost spiritually. i think that's another thing, anytime i start getting sucked into a christian bubble, i freak out and just want to be around people who are struggling and need love. but yeah... it was weird. i started having flash backs of memories from hanging out with my old friends from Columbia... hanging out in a dim and dingy bar/restaurant/lounge type place. then going back to a friends house just hanging out. drinking coffee, smoking hookah, playing card games/video games, talking life... i found out quite a few people at work had a bad interpretation of me because they misunderstood some information that traveled through the grapevine and they thought i had told a girl she was going to hell. awesome. that didn't happen. so it was good to have clarification. but i left feeling like i had sinned. i left feeling like i had to run up to my room and take off my smoke filled clothes and get a shower so that my parents didn't emediately question me. i hate that. i DIDN'T do ANYTHING wrong!!!! ok except for let a couple cuss words slide... i mean, i was tempted at times to do less than wise things, but i didn't. even the other christian girl who i thought was awesome was smashed and couldn't stop talking about oral sex. ugh! this is what i'm talking about! these kinds of christians make me want to vomit! they say one thing and do the other. i want to invest more time in her life. she invited me to come visit her church in a few sundays... i'll have to back out because it's going to be christmas time, but i still want to make a point to get to know her. something deeper is going on... i can see it. she reminds me of me a couple years ago. boy hungry, talking care-free, doing whatever behind closed doors and with close friends. now i never got drunk, but i don't have much room to talk otherwise. that's why i feel drawn to invest in her.
*sigh* tomorrow i'll be done. i'm nervous. i have my 2 hardest exams and i'm not ready. why can't i just show them how i've grown! what can't they just test me on how much i've grown spiritually?! haha... oh well... just one more day and i'll be free for a month!!!!!!
lately, as i'm sure you may have known, i've been just flat out frustrated. i've been mad at myself for how immature and foolish i've been. i've been struggling to just be myself. i've been wanting to move out, though suddenly i kind of don't mind living at home... whatever... and i've been struggling with church. well yesterday i was finally able to just sit and talk with David, my pastor. it was really encouraging. even though i left knowing that things aren't going to get better, that all these frustrations are normal, and that i'll never find the church i'm looking for... i was encouraged to know i'm not alone in my frustrations, that these frustrations were ok and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. he offered me an internship position at the church... i'm not sure what i'll do. ultimately, whatever decision i make, i just want to know that in the end i made the most wise decision i know to make... but this is what i'm thinking about all this... i know i'll never find the perfect church. but there's a part of me that feels that if most churches are just the same, why not find one that is closer and has that more artsy side to it with more people my age. but then what if i become too comfortable in that situation? then what am i to do? but if i stay here, take on that internship, i'll be pushed to be myself in situations where most people don't understand me or see things the way i do. i'll be pushed to be in ministry and love on people. ultimately, if i want to be challenged, i need to be in places that aren't comfortable. but what do i do when i just need a break? i'm finding myself just tired, fighting myself, fighting Gods work... i guess that's where i have the close friends God has blessed me with. that's where i run to Him. that's where i just stop, let go, get up, and move on. i was encouraged as i talked to david about all this yesterday. it's nice to know that he gets discouraged too trying to work in peoples lives and just seeing them being so resistant. he encouraged me saying that that is when you know you're doing the right thing... you know you're challenging people when they start fighting you. he encouraged me saying that now maybe i can get just a small taste of what Jesus felt all the time when He was working in peoples lives.
i guess what i really need, is just a break. just a moment to breath and catch up. to be able to sit and write in my journal for hours and not feel guilty about it because i know i need to be doing homework instead. this christmas break is needed.
after David and i met, i went out with a bunch of friends from work for a going away party for one of my shift managers. oh! that's another thing... if i take the internship i'll have to either A. get a new job, or B. transfer, AGAIN. which i have no idea if they'll let me. but anyways... last night we went to the penguin. i was really excited to get that time with those people knowing that a lot of them are really lost spiritually. i think that's another thing, anytime i start getting sucked into a christian bubble, i freak out and just want to be around people who are struggling and need love. but yeah... it was weird. i started having flash backs of memories from hanging out with my old friends from Columbia... hanging out in a dim and dingy bar/restaurant/lounge type place. then going back to a friends house just hanging out. drinking coffee, smoking hookah, playing card games/video games, talking life... i found out quite a few people at work had a bad interpretation of me because they misunderstood some information that traveled through the grapevine and they thought i had told a girl she was going to hell. awesome. that didn't happen. so it was good to have clarification. but i left feeling like i had sinned. i left feeling like i had to run up to my room and take off my smoke filled clothes and get a shower so that my parents didn't emediately question me. i hate that. i DIDN'T do ANYTHING wrong!!!! ok except for let a couple cuss words slide... i mean, i was tempted at times to do less than wise things, but i didn't. even the other christian girl who i thought was awesome was smashed and couldn't stop talking about oral sex. ugh! this is what i'm talking about! these kinds of christians make me want to vomit! they say one thing and do the other. i want to invest more time in her life. she invited me to come visit her church in a few sundays... i'll have to back out because it's going to be christmas time, but i still want to make a point to get to know her. something deeper is going on... i can see it. she reminds me of me a couple years ago. boy hungry, talking care-free, doing whatever behind closed doors and with close friends. now i never got drunk, but i don't have much room to talk otherwise. that's why i feel drawn to invest in her.
*sigh* tomorrow i'll be done. i'm nervous. i have my 2 hardest exams and i'm not ready. why can't i just show them how i've grown! what can't they just test me on how much i've grown spiritually?! haha... oh well... just one more day and i'll be free for a month!!!!!!
Sunday, December 07, 2008
hey remember that time...
so i often like going back and reading old journal entries... i stumbled upon an entry i wrote right before i left for CIU... i had made a list of things i had hoped to accomplish/do while i was there... this was the list:
things i want to do when i get to CIU:
1. meet new people
2. get in shape
3. learn a lot and make good grades
4. find an awesome church
5. talk my parents into letting me get my nose peirced ;)
6. grow closer to Christ
7. find out what God has called me to do
ummm... hows about
1. check
2. if by shape i meant adding 25ish pounds of nastiness to my shape then, check.
3. i learned a HECK of a lot, but it was by far nothing school related and i by no means made good grades hahaha....
4. check
5. what the @$#%$?? hahaha... that obviously didn't happen. and i STILL want my nose pierced dangit!
6. ummm... how's about double Check.
7. yeah, i'm still workin on that.
anways i just thought that was funny. i'm extremely thankful for CIU, i even miss it in some ways! but it's just ironic and humorous to look back over your life and see where God has taken you.
things i want to do when i get to CIU:
1. meet new people
2. get in shape
3. learn a lot and make good grades
4. find an awesome church
5. talk my parents into letting me get my nose peirced ;)
6. grow closer to Christ
7. find out what God has called me to do
ummm... hows about
1. check
2. if by shape i meant adding 25ish pounds of nastiness to my shape then, check.
3. i learned a HECK of a lot, but it was by far nothing school related and i by no means made good grades hahaha....
4. check
5. what the @$#%$?? hahaha... that obviously didn't happen. and i STILL want my nose pierced dangit!
6. ummm... how's about double Check.
7. yeah, i'm still workin on that.
anways i just thought that was funny. i'm extremely thankful for CIU, i even miss it in some ways! but it's just ironic and humorous to look back over your life and see where God has taken you.
Friday, December 05, 2008
i just don't make sense
Why is it always that the hardest decisions to make are the right ones? Why can’t I just run? Why does Mute Math’s lyrics apply to my life so well… I’m ready.... I’m scared, but I’m ready…
You know the one thing you’re fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you’ve got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You’re gonna die to try what can’t be done
Gonna stay stay out but you don’t care
Now is there nothing like the inside of you anywhere
Spotlight - Mute Math.
I fear reading the Twilight books. I know right now I lack faith in the fact that a man who fits me exists. and from everything i'm told, the book makes you desire to be in a relationship unlike anything else, yet makes you feel hopeless in finding someone like Edward (the main character). I fear myself… I know I’m difficult and odd and I don’t make a lot of since and I’m wild and just want to be free. I hate rules and get bored easily. I don’t just take no for an answer, I need logic and reason for why I do what I do. But I hate hurting people. I hate disappointing people. I strangely don’t mind offending people… I just hate losing their trust. I’m messy and worry a lot and I love the night and the cold and the rain… I don’t make sense… I go against the grain… I stand up for my beliefs even if they’re wrong. As long as I’m convicted and am not proven wrong, I’ll hold on to that belief. But I lack confidence in myself. I still can’t seem to just be myself. I can’t seem to see myself the way others see me. and I know I’ll never be confident or content in anything or anyone until I have faith, confidence, and contentment in Christ. But it’s hard... I just desire the quality time, and to hear His voice, and to feel His warm embrace. I know He hunts after me like a deer after water. I know He desires a relationship with me unlike any other man could desire a relationship with his wife. I know He wants to protect me and shield me from all harm… but these facts don’t help when I just can’t feel Him.
This side of me… this physical side (in both the pure and impure sense) will be the death of me.
You know the one thing you’re fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you’ve got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You’re gonna die to try what can’t be done
Gonna stay stay out but you don’t care
Now is there nothing like the inside of you anywhere
Spotlight - Mute Math.
I fear reading the Twilight books. I know right now I lack faith in the fact that a man who fits me exists. and from everything i'm told, the book makes you desire to be in a relationship unlike anything else, yet makes you feel hopeless in finding someone like Edward (the main character). I fear myself… I know I’m difficult and odd and I don’t make a lot of since and I’m wild and just want to be free. I hate rules and get bored easily. I don’t just take no for an answer, I need logic and reason for why I do what I do. But I hate hurting people. I hate disappointing people. I strangely don’t mind offending people… I just hate losing their trust. I’m messy and worry a lot and I love the night and the cold and the rain… I don’t make sense… I go against the grain… I stand up for my beliefs even if they’re wrong. As long as I’m convicted and am not proven wrong, I’ll hold on to that belief. But I lack confidence in myself. I still can’t seem to just be myself. I can’t seem to see myself the way others see me. and I know I’ll never be confident or content in anything or anyone until I have faith, confidence, and contentment in Christ. But it’s hard... I just desire the quality time, and to hear His voice, and to feel His warm embrace. I know He hunts after me like a deer after water. I know He desires a relationship with me unlike any other man could desire a relationship with his wife. I know He wants to protect me and shield me from all harm… but these facts don’t help when I just can’t feel Him.
This side of me… this physical side (in both the pure and impure sense) will be the death of me.
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