For as long as i can remember, i've been like this. i'm a chameleon. i blend in with the people i'm around. i talk like the talk, act like they act, i'm interested in what they're interested. and i hate it. it's not me! i know who i am! but i can't help but want to be part of those groups from time to time. i went back and visited a bunch of my old friends from CIU... it had been almost a year since i had seen them. we all talked from time to time during the past year, but hadn't really hung out since i left. and i can't help but feel sad... i miss them. i miss being a part of that community. though i was angry and bitter while i was at CIU, i do really miss the whole college life. i feel like i'm missing out on so much right now. i can't be angry at my parents for not shipping me off to some school or sending me to public school because i know that bottom line God has me here for a reason... but i have to admit i'm becoming restless. i feel like i'm wasting so much of my time at community college. i spend hour after hour studying subjects that by next semester i've forgotten. all for what? a peice of paper with some man's name on it saying that I spent 64 credit hours earning my associates degree. then i'll be able to get a REAL job... pfft... no thank you. whatever... it's just for security purposes that i'm forced to get that paper because sadly i can't be sure i'll be able to make enough money off of ministry work to live. and that is another subject i'll avoid right now.
i just have caught myself feeling so discontent these past couple weeks. every week feels like the same thing. nothing is new. nothing is challenging or pushing me. yet i'm stressed so much about all this i've begun grinding my teeth at night... brilliant!
there's just this part of me that i can see deep down in myself that i so long to be... but because of what i HAVE to do... i cannot become that woman i want to be. i just feel stuck...
God? why have you kept me here? why didn't you leave me at CIU to go with the change of that school? why have you allowed me to become so flustered? why did you keep me from going off to california to pursue a new life? God why won't you let me go!? why can i not seem to get myself out of charlotte?! what are you trying to teach me Father? what are you doing?! why do i struggle being the woman i want to be in the place you've kept me? why am i so selfish!? God will you please refresh my heart and soul... allow them to breath and let go? will you please help me to not be so stuck on the present troubles and even the future ones but help me to trust you more?
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