goodbye

so i really dislike saying goodbye. today was my last sunday at my home church. it was really hard saying goodbye to some people. some of the goodbyes were awkward and some of them didn't seem adiquit (sp!?). it was like it was surreal ya know? my friend Sara C. and i decided that we feel like we're just going away on a long camp trip or something and that we'll be coming home soon. but no... CIU will be my new home for the next 9+ months of my life. i'll make new friends who will be like my new family. i'll have to share a room and learn to keep things clean. hahaha... it's going to be amazing. i can't wait to go... i really can't. though i was informed that i will be able to go to my college bible study this friday night, so that will be greeeaaat! i'm glad i can. good chance to say one last g'bye. there's a huge part of me that just wants to break down and cry. but i don't think i will really cry until i have to wave g'bye to my parents as the leave me at ciu. wow... that's going to be... i don't want to think about it, it makes me want to cry. anyways.... church was amazing... most just the worship. i've noticed lately how much of a passion i have for worship music... but yeah i REALLY like this song, i like broke down when we sang it today. it's my cry to God, my plea, my want, my heart... lately i've just felt lost. kind of feeling like "God why am i going to ciu again?! oh right, cause you want me there... wait... why though?!" i should never question Christ. it's just i so desire to know what he wants for my life. and the whole leaving my comfort zone is scary and just everything that is related to my leaving...... so this is currently my anthem...

hungry I come to You
for I know You satisfy
I am empty
but I know Your love does not run dry
so I wait for You
so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You 
for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life 
so I'll wait for You
so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

hungry I come to you,
for I know You satisfy

hmmmm........

things i want to do when i get to CIU:
1. meet new people
2. get in shape
3. learn a lot and make good grades
4. find an awesome church
5. talk my parents into letting me get my nose peirced ;)
6. grow closer to Christ
7. find out what God has called me to do

yeah... i think that's a good list of things to do... and notice i didn't put "get married" or "find a boyfriend" hahaha.... that's not important right now. i will be more than happy if i meet an awesome guy and start dating or whatever... but i need to just focus on Christ and myself (i know sounds conceded... but i think a part of me has always focused on others and for once i want to just put my complete focus on Christ and figuring out who i am and what makes me happy and what defines me as a person).
the frey rocks
so does BEP
and journaling
g'night... time for bed, i've got a busy day tomorrow
in Christ forever and always
- Kendall

new camera!

so since my old camera got stolen along with my car... at least i think it was. i haven't been able to find it since then, so my only likely conclusion to come to would be that it got stolen... my rich uncle and aunt gave me a new really nice one!! w00t! how amazingly nice was that?! so tonight when rachel and i were hanging out i got to snag a few pics. i haven't gotten a memory card for it yet, so i couldn't take a lot, but here are a few (see above)
aaaah...it felt sooo good to take pictures again. i missed it. it's my happy pill. :)
i can't believe this sunday is my last sunday here at CSF for a loooong time. i'm promising myself, that for the first month, i will not come home unless i HAVE to. i need to do this on my own. find a good church, meet people, get used to all my surroundings... all that good stuff. but i know i'm going to get homesick. bye bye comfort zone... hello scary SC!

today which is really now tomorrow

Today I got to sleep in until 1:30 and dang that was amazing hahaha... I basically did NOTHING of any significant value to my life in any way. But wow... I needed that. Anyways... I realized today that I want to travel BADLY. I want to see the world, go everywhere I can. I’m not scared of the unknown or of how I will be living in it. Like I said to my friend the other night, I don't care if I have to stay in hostels or even in my car... one day I’m just going to go and see the world. I watched a couple chick flicks tonight and this quote kind of sums things up... "Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live for ever, you just have to live." - Tuck, from Tuck Everlasting. That’s just it... I do not fear death, at all. I know where I’m going... I really just fear the unlived life. God has made a magnificent place and I wish so much to explore it. I feel as if for my whole life, I’ve lived in well... a bubble... but I don't think I’ve really had a choice. My family was never rich, so it's not like we could have afforded to travel. And I could not have gone anywhere until now because of my age. I’ve really only been up and down the east coast, and to Brasil. I wish to go further, see more, take pictures... but what about God's will? What does God wish for me to do? I know one day he will show me, but I am impatient. But as far as I’m concerned, as long as I live in his perfect will, I will be content. Something else I realized that has to do with God's will... I don't know if I can ever really date someone again until I figure out God's will for me (my will for my life would be to marry a ferociously good looking, wealthy, and completely sold out Christian man who I can spend the rest of my days traveling with, taking pictures and witnessing all along the way... ah yes... but that is MY will). Because I KNOW God wants me in the ministry, but where, when, and to what extent... I have no idea. And I can't really be with someone unless he can fit in that "will" for my life... can I? But I think, really, I’m ok with it. I only want the best, but who wouldn't? So for now, I stay single and pray... pray for God's comfort, his strength, his guidance, his will... and one day, it will all truly work out for the best and I’ll have never been happier... so to quote a great tale "Until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these 2 words 'wait and hope.'" - the count of Monte Cristo

G'night

update on grease lightning (i have named my car that)

so we went and saw my poor lil car today... here's a list of the damage: scratches, locks broken, glove compartment broken, all but 1 tire popped, antena killed.
list of stolen items: around 200+ $$ in clothes/shoes, my bible and journal (losing my journal was what made me the most angry), one of my fish scale earrings from brasil... only one is missing, my purse, 200 in cash/checks... and i don't even know what else... frisbees, soccer ball... hey at least my car is clean now... ok that isn't so funny to me right now...

what i got: key to his house *MWAHAHAHA*....................... jk....... but i really think he left the key to his house (or some house... who's... i dunno) on the key chain that had the rigged honda key on it. i want to keep it if the authorities will let me. i'm going to make a necklace out of them and keep them to remember to pray for those people. but yeah, i also got a REALLY nice radio, 2 different kinds of cigarettes, lotion and candy :) thank you dumb 16 year old theif :) they caught him by the way, and he confessed to everything and said he was in a gang and stuff... lame...
i really feel bad for him though. i wish i could just go and tell him that it's ok, i forgive him... but it's not me or the cops that he has to answer to, it's someone FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR more powerful... God. and God will forgive him to, if he asks. but i fear i'll never have the opportunity. maybe he will read my journal and bible... he will read of how i wrote about how i realized the reality of hell... who knows. God is faithful and powerful and amazing. just read the first chapter of Luke and you'll see that... He not only makes a barren woman pregnant, but a virgin pregnant too! talk about making the impossible possible!!!
well, with all that said... i'm going to bed. i have a lot of cleaning/packing to do tomorrow.......dude...........i start packing tomorrow...........that's weird.

theif cooties

they just found my car... oh my poor lil car... they got into a chase with the dumb guys and it has 2 flat tires now. other than that, i don't know the damage... MY CAAAR!!! uuuugh! it's got icky poopy theif cooties in it now! AAGH! i'm going to have to like torch the inside!
*sigh* well... at least i got it back right?
right... we'll see tomorrow morning...

crap

my car was stollen today... don't know much more to say than that. nothing was in there of real high importance other than ___ of cash from my b'day and my journal. oh well... i'm alright and that's all that matters cause material objects can be replaced, lives/health really can't.

awesome awesome song

There must be more than this
O breath of God, come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us
-Tim Hughes, Consuming Fire

when we sang that song tonight during worship i about completely broke down. i'm not sure why it hit me so strong, but it did... it was a joyful cry though :)

cursed fig tree

i'm curious... what was the significance of Jesus cursing the fig tree in the book of Mark (11:12-14)?
12The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
what was the significance? why would God curse a tree for doing what it was made to do? why would God be angry at it for not being in season? didn't he create it this way? or is it sin that makes it bloom every so often and not constantly?
later on it says:
20In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"
22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
so was the significance for God to show us that if we have true faith anything can happen!? but why would this prove it could happen? i mean didn't they already know he was God? so wouldn't they just assume it's because he was perfect? hmmm... i'm very curious... God does everything for a reason, i don't doubt that. i guess that's an example oh faith i wouldn't think God would use... or something...
ok that's all for now, time for homework

never

so my mom said to me today that someone came to her and asked what happened to me... they said i changed... and not for the better. they said i was becoming like the stereo typical girl. how did this happen?! am i seriously becoming that! UGH! i seriously want to puke when i think about that! i don't know how i have become this way... but... maybe i have.
mark my words... from this day forth, i am a new person.

ADD

so i'm sitting in the library at school and i can not concentrate. i've got so much on my mind and i want to talk to someone about it but no one is online... so i'm excited about school and i went and got a few things for my dorm today and i'm really ready to just be there...weeeee!!! and hot weather is annoying and it's always about this time that i'm just ready for the cooler weather to make it's way here. my birthday was great, i was surprised at the number of people who remembered it... that made me very happy! i went to the Angels and Airwaves/Taking Back Sunday concert yesterday and dang i was dissapointed! i always lose a butt load...er...boat load of respect for a band when they can't play live. but i baught a Taking Back Sunday shirt anyways, and they're still amazing on cd :) the crowd was rediculous... it was like we were playing a game where we had to see how many people we could possibley cram into a single space at one time and then complain at eachother. it was absolutely disgusting... then we (lauren, ryan, and i) escaped to the back where it was a WHOLE lot better. but yeah... so my mind is just running like a mile a minute and i can't sit here a minute longer working on this rediculous homework assignment. i'll come back tomorrow and work more... and maybe then i can sit and focus and not get distracted. i want to go home, but if i go home, i will not have anything to do... ah! i know what i'll do! i'll go to the mall and buy some stuff i've been meanin to get anyways! weee! and away i go :)

running out of time

july 19th: summer classes end
August 6-12: disney with family
august 16 -20: move in and welcome week begins at CIU
august 22: school starts

i'll have appoximately 2 weeks between school ends and i leave for disney to pack/organize my room... and those few days i have between returning home and leaving i'll probably use for washing and packing up the last of my clothes i took with me to disney.
GOOD GOOGAMOOGA!!! this is going to fly by... wow...
and i don't believe i've baught everything for college yet... oh my... i'm going to die.

Happy Birthday to Me :)

so today my family took me out early for my birthday cause my friend caroline is kidnapping me tomorrow and we're going to hang out at her house and then have my family and her family hang out for dinner. it will be really nice :) so tonight my family took me to see pirates of the caribean! EEEEP!!!! it was freakin AAAWWWWEEEESSSOOOMMMEE!!! i want to be a pirate :-D then they took me out to eat shrimp at Joe's Crab Shack. mmmm... i love shrimp. then the waitress proceeded to embarrass me by making me stand on the table while everyone sang happy birthday to me hahahaha... i'll post pictures as soon as i get them off my mom's camera. but in return i got a huge slice of chocolate cake...mmmmm...chocolate......... it was a good night. i had a lot of fun... we all sat and laughed and i took silly pictures of myself cause i find it to be highly amusing. it was a gorgious night... i wish everyday of the year was like today.
so i'm no longer a "child." it's really kind of sad! i didn't really think about all this. i'm technically an adult... i have to sign things and go to court if i get in trouble and go to real peoples jail and i can buy cigarettes and i can vote... and the weirdest part... i can do basically whatever i want and my parents can't stop me... not like there's anything i'd want to do that they won't let me, but it's like i can legally rebel against my parents and they couldn't stop me! hahaha... man... i remember writing so many journal entries thinking "if i was only 18..." but it's like, now that i am... it's not all that stupendous. it's just another year... i mean i do feel older, i just don't see what the big deal is and i can't remember what i wanted so badly then that i would need to be 18 for. i'm in a very contemplative mood at the moment... i think i'll go to bed now...

"Your Christians are so unlike your Christ"

myspace.com/jasonillian
go check it out his 2 blog postings called "resignation" he's a very intelligent man and i highly agree with everything he wrote in them. in one of the 2 he quotes Gandhi " "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." that's a sad but true statement.
today was... good... i suppose. i only had a couple highlights of the day... getting a chance to have a very cool conversation with Kyle (well i thought it was at least), then going out to eat with my mom and talking to this girl from taiwan who is an artist. i really enjoyed talking to her... she sparked that art bug back into me. i've GOT to find my camera now! i need to go take pictures!!!! she said her passion was painting faces, especially focusing on the eyes... i was sold there! i have a thing for eyes. it's the first thing i notice about anyone and probably one of the biggest turn ons for me in a guy. someones eyes can tell you so much... like the girl said, they really can be the door to the soul.
so it's 3am... i suppose i should go to bed now...

a poem, i wrote... don't make fun

summers night
windows down
and all is right as i cruise through town
watching the firworks
and it sets me free
i think of you, i think of me
and how it's not meant to be
i faught and wrestled
but this war wasn't meant to last
i've denied all i know
and all that i am
who is this girl staring back at me
through my rearview mirror
i feel anxiety rush through my veins
but all the while, i feel no pain
you kept me calm and set me free
just like those birds that i always see

no really

i really, truly, and absolutely do not want to do homework right now. though it's uncommon that i would actually WANT to do it, it's just that i'd much rather be out taking pictures. it's a beautiful night, and i just want to go for a walk.

interesting

today i relearned some greek myth (i took a whole class on it back in like the 9th grade...). There is a greek god named Chronos who likes to eat his own young... ironically enough his name means "time." hmmm... interestingly enough "time" like to eat away at us. isn't it true how we always say "i never have enoug time for ___" or " i wish i had enough time to do ____." i just saw the connection between how "time" aka Chronos ate his young kind of like how time can eat away at us. but those are just some thoughts on things.
i'm going to go work out this pent up frustration out on the gym.
continue to pray for me cause i'm still struggling with some things... hence the whole need to go work out.