smoke filled memories

Yesterday was a somewhat odd day. let me just say that i'm really tired of thinking. i'm not the kind of person that can just take on some type of information and not make it personal in some way.

lately, as i'm sure you may have known, i've been just flat out frustrated. i've been mad at myself for how immature and foolish i've been. i've been struggling to just be myself. i've been wanting to move out, though suddenly i kind of don't mind living at home... whatever... and i've been struggling with church. well yesterday i was finally able to just sit and talk with David, my pastor. it was really encouraging. even though i left knowing that things aren't going to get better, that all these frustrations are normal, and that i'll never find the church i'm looking for... i was encouraged to know i'm not alone in my frustrations, that these frustrations were ok and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. he offered me an internship position at the church... i'm not sure what i'll do. ultimately, whatever decision i make, i just want to know that in the end i made the most wise decision i know to make... but this is what i'm thinking about all this... i know i'll never find the perfect church. but there's a part of me that feels that if most churches are just the same, why not find one that is closer and has that more artsy side to it with more people my age. but then what if i become too comfortable in that situation? then what am i to do? but if i stay here, take on that internship, i'll be pushed to be myself in situations where most people don't understand me or see things the way i do. i'll be pushed to be in ministry and love on people. ultimately, if i want to be challenged, i need to be in places that aren't comfortable. but what do i do when i just need a break? i'm finding myself just tired, fighting myself, fighting Gods work... i guess that's where i have the close friends God has blessed me with. that's where i run to Him. that's where i just stop, let go, get up, and move on. i was encouraged as i talked to david about all this yesterday. it's nice to know that he gets discouraged too trying to work in peoples lives and just seeing them being so resistant. he encouraged me saying that that is when you know you're doing the right thing... you know you're challenging people when they start fighting you. he encouraged me saying that now maybe i can get just a small taste of what Jesus felt all the time when He was working in peoples lives.

i guess what i really need, is just a break. just a moment to breath and catch up. to be able to sit and write in my journal for hours and not feel guilty about it because i know i need to be doing homework instead. this christmas break is needed.

after David and i met, i went out with a bunch of friends from work for a going away party for one of my shift managers. oh! that's another thing... if i take the internship i'll have to either A. get a new job, or B. transfer, AGAIN. which i have no idea if they'll let me. but anyways... last night we went to the penguin. i was really excited to get that time with those people knowing that a lot of them are really lost spiritually. i think that's another thing, anytime i start getting sucked into a christian bubble, i freak out and just want to be around people who are struggling and need love. but yeah... it was weird. i started having flash backs of memories from hanging out with my old friends from Columbia... hanging out in a dim and dingy bar/restaurant/lounge type place. then going back to a friends house just hanging out. drinking coffee, smoking hookah, playing card games/video games, talking life... i found out quite a few people at work had a bad interpretation of me because they misunderstood some information that traveled through the grapevine and they thought i had told a girl she was going to hell. awesome. that didn't happen. so it was good to have clarification. but i left feeling like i had sinned. i left feeling like i had to run up to my room and take off my smoke filled clothes and get a shower so that my parents didn't emediately question me. i hate that. i DIDN'T do ANYTHING wrong!!!! ok except for let a couple cuss words slide... i mean, i was tempted at times to do less than wise things, but i didn't. even the other christian girl who i thought was awesome was smashed and couldn't stop talking about oral sex. ugh! this is what i'm talking about! these kinds of christians make me want to vomit! they say one thing and do the other. i want to invest more time in her life. she invited me to come visit her church in a few sundays... i'll have to back out because it's going to be christmas time, but i still want to make a point to get to know her. something deeper is going on... i can see it. she reminds me of me a couple years ago. boy hungry, talking care-free, doing whatever behind closed doors and with close friends. now i never got drunk, but i don't have much room to talk otherwise. that's why i feel drawn to invest in her.

*sigh* tomorrow i'll be done. i'm nervous. i have my 2 hardest exams and i'm not ready. why can't i just show them how i've grown! what can't they just test me on how much i've grown spiritually?! haha... oh well... just one more day and i'll be free for a month!!!!!!