Drowning in my sleep.

Since i was roughly 16 or 17 years old I've known that i was different. made uniquely for something bigger than my skin. i was made to be in ministry, but not your ordinary ministry. i was made to love on others, hear their stories, relate to them, hug on them, cry with them, speak words of truth to the best of my knowledge, or sometimes just not speak at all........

but it's seems as of late I've lost that drive. I've grown stagnant, frustrated and bitter. the more i open my eyes to the world around me, the more i realize how numb the people are around me. no one cares about anyone but themselves. we fight and scratch and claw our way to the top, only to realize that instead of ruling everyone, everyone's ruling us (mark 10:31). what joy comes from that?

God warns us so much... yet we have hard hearts (mark 10:5ish). He's so simple yet so jealous.

I'm ready for a change. a change of scenery. a change of pace. a change of heart.

I'm looking into doing YWAM (http://ywam.com/). i need a chance to get away. I've been sitting around for far too long. drowning in this sleepy state of life. i feel useless and as if I'm wasting precious time that i could be giving to God. i know what i'm passionate about, but i have no idea how to put that passion into a real life career. i am not running from my problems, i'm more trying to face them head on. i know that when i get back nothing will have changed, i just need a chance to let God work.

people will always tell you that if you want to change the world, you have to first change yourself and be that change.

but it gets awful lonely being the only one changing...

no wonder no one's trying to change.

Christian's

Sometimes I get really embarrassed to call myself a Christian. The
name has been ruined and made into a joke... I don't want people to
think I'm a joke, oblivious to the world around me.

But I still say it anyway whenever people ask me about my tattoos. I
hope that through me God can show himself and then in turn the name he
gave to his children will slowly but surely become less humorous.

hard hearts

this is going to be a lengthy blog entry... I'll just warn ya...



It's come to my attention lately that i may or may not have a serious problem.

I, Kendall Winter, loathe being told what to do. I despise being told what is right and wrong, moral or immoral for my own life.

I'm this weird combination of a people pleaser (i know, not a real word) type and a total rebel. between the two it keeps me from going absolutely crazy and covering myself in tattoos and drinking my weight in beer just out of pure spite.

but it's the guilt that's killing me. since I'm the people pleaser type, i want people to approve of me and the things i choose to do and not do. but I'm constantly surrounded by people of all kinds telling me how i should live my life. between media, my parents, and close friends... i sometimes find myself overwhelmed. i have to constantly stop and ask myself what I know is right and wrong, moral and immoral... what i know is right for myself, what i want for myself.

it saddens me because i know I'm not the only one like this. we all in some way, shape, or form, just want people to see us for who we are and love us despite our faults. we're a messy human race. we say things to each other that should never be said. we do things to each other that should never be done. and we do it all as if it's normal.

this my friends, is why Christ said to treat each other how we want to be treated.

i finally had a conversation with my mom this morning about that very thing. about the guilt that we all put on each other... most of the time unknowingly. how refreshing it was to hear her say that all she wanted for me was what God wants of me.

as we continued talking she told me one of the coolest testimonies I've ever heard.

the other day a man came to service our AC in our home. as my mom began talking to him, they stumbled upon his testimony...

he was a full fledged atheist working in the mafia. one day, having grown tired of the killing... tired of the drugs and chaos, he stopped and thought "what's the point? if i just turn to dust after this, what good am i doing?"... as he pulled out a gun to end his life, a missionary came up and shared with him the best information he'd ever hear. that day he gave his life to Christ. as he prayed he literally felt as if something was being ripped from his chest......the missionary asked him to come to church the next Sunday... his response was merely, "no, i have to see if this thing is real"

that night as he slept he woke to see flames engulfing his room, swirling with rage around him and his sleeping wife. amidst the fire he saw a figure dressed in white standing by the ocean. once he saw Him, he began weeping crying out "LORD LORD! MY LORD FORGIVE ME!"

this man did not even know what prayer was before he met the missionary...he had no idea how he knew to call him Lord.

as he cried out, the man by the ocean wrote on the shore, "i will make you fishers of men"

this man had never heard one word of scripture before this......

the moment his wife woke up it all went away... and all he could do was hold her and weep, crying out "please forgive me... please please forgive me"

it was a year ago that day that she had prayed to God saying "God if you are real... change this man." she had planned on divorcing him, fed up with his lifestyle, that is if God didn't change him first.

.....

as my mom stood there listening to the mans story she began crying, and he chuckled saying "you must think I'm crazy"... but she didn't. he told her how he was unsure if that night was a dream or reality. but what he did know is that we serve a big and powerful God. able to change even the hardest of hearts.

we just all so often lack faith in His mighty power.

Prayer

So this isn't like me, I don't like confessing my problems, no matter
how big or small. I feel like I'm complaining, but I need to ask
something.

Will you please pray for me?

I don't tell many people this because I don't want anyone to freak
out... But I suffer from panic attacks. They're not severe, but
they're getting worse the older I get. I have them once, maybe twice a
month. If you were around me while I was having one, you'd honestly
have no idea. They're not severe like you'd imagine... Basically I
just get really short of breath, very light headed, my heart beats
like a chick-a-dee's, and I get this overwhelming feeling of fear/
worry. But since I've been having them for so long (roughly 5 years
now) I know what to expect and can work through them. But lately it's
been too much. As where I would have had them maybe just a few times
in one day maybe only once I month... I've had one or two for the past
5 days in a row.

It's just too much. It's getting to where I'm having a hard time
holding it together when I have one.

But I serve a big God. And this is not too big for him.

That's all. I Love you guys.

sleep deprivation = nonsense

sometimes i go back and reread my past entries, like my one from last night. and all i can think is...

maybe i shouldn't write entries at 3:04am.


just sayin...

dogs and owls

It's hard to deny the fact that I want to run.........


it's 3:04am on a cool spring night. i left my window open... the neighborhood dogs are barking at the owls. i should sleep... but this quiet evening... this moment alone... it's so rare, yet so very welcomed.

i'm strong enough to fight these on going issues in my life. but i need nights like tonight... moments alone to think and pray to get through them.

i wish i knew how to brush off harsh words. how to not let others affect me... how to find that balance between being humble and respectful, yet bold and proud.

i just can't help but wonder sometimes why God made me the way i am. why he gave me the eyes he gave me. i see things different than most, but not all. i'm grateful for the few i know and call my dear friends who can relate. they remind me that i'm not insane and not alone. i guess this is just yet another lesson i'm learning. something that God is showing me so that i can continue to be the woman he wants me to be for who knows what reason.

one day i'll be a mother, that's a terrifyingly fulfilling thought. but through these trials i'll have learned true mercy and patience. how to communicate and look at things through the eyes of someone else. and maybe, just maybe, my kids won't struggle as much as i have.


but if they're anything like me......


i pray God shows them the same mercy he showed me all these long years.

Forgiveness breeds freedom.

it's baffling to me how influential our families are. how a simple word or action from a mother or father or even a cousin can cause a life long alteration that will either make us or break us.

i've been praying really hard for my family recently. finding myself to the point of being heart broken over the state in which we are all in. i include myself in this when i say this, but my family is horribly broken. and i don't mean this in that we aren't a close family... but in that we all personally deal with something too big for any man to fix... something that only God himself can heal in us. and i can't help but wonder why... why is it that we all have this one tragic thing in common. and it is simply that none of us, not even myself, know how to handle our issues. whether they be as small as a pet dying or a cheating spouse. so we all find ourselves in a cycle of self medication. none of us running to our true Father for help, but to the world...

why is it so hard for us to forgive? to let go and just brush our knees off and keep going? why do NONE of us realize that by us holding onto these hurts, we are only hurting ourselves. and then we are so blind to see that we allow these hurts to control our lives... making us live in fear and anxiety. God did not make his children to live these sorts of lives. we are to live boldly, love hard, and take advantage of the lives he blessed us with. i even have to ask myself this... why can i not just forgive? why can i not simply let go of these past hurts and just honestly not care what those people did to me? the past is the past. i have to learn from it and move on. i have got to come to terms with the fact that i may NEVER get an apology from those people, but yet still forgive them just the same. forgetting the past, and moving on. i have got to learn how to handle my problems in a healthy way. and most importantly, forgive others, just like Christ forgives me.

i truly believe that forgiveness breeds freedom. that is why we are free in Christ... he bled himself dry for us, so that in that beautifully horrific act of love and forgiveness, we are free.

oh yeah, and here's this...

one day i'll figure it out.

again. let me say.


growing up is really, really, hard.


that is all.