i got back in touch with David finally today to touch bases about me leading high school. we're going to talk more next Tuesday about it all, but for now it was basically established that this is serious. that this isn't just something to jump in and then jump back out of. that if I'm going to do this, i need to do it and not be wishy washy about it. it scared me. i knew all this, but hearing it come right from him brought back all those fears of just not being good enough. I've already seen the hearts of some of those kids, i realize the task at hand, and i can't do it alone. i just felt overwhelmed today... knowing the sin these kids have in their lives and then having a heavy conversation with David was just a lot to have on my brain. sometimes the reality of sin in this world is just too much to bear. it breaks my heart knowing that so many are lost and so few really get it. i just hope that people see this in me and i don't come across fake.
speaking of fake... i really need to do a heart check and make sure that not only God wants me to take on this position at church but that I'm also doing it for the right reasons. i realize that there is a lot of potential that once i do this I'll be able to move out, which has a lot of perks to it. but that also it will prepare me for later on in my ministry life. i just want to make sure I'm not taking on this commitment because of lame immature selfish reasons.
i was talking with some of the girls from church tonight about the whole moving out thing and one of them said that my relationship with my parents will get better once I'm out of the house. it makes sense... but i don't want to believe it. if it's not good now, what would make me think running away from the problem will make it go away. i just can't confront my parents about anything. they get defensive and don't want to hear it. so I'm stuck. my sister thinks i just need to accept that that is just who they are... but if these things they are doing are unhealthy, why would i not try to help them? i know they'd do the same for me. but i get shot down every time i try. i guess i can't give up, and until something changes, whether that be them or me moving out, i just need to swallow my pride and get over it. but honestly, why can't i let it bother me? am i supposed to just sit here and be numb? get pushed around and shrug my feelings off? i don't know. i don't want to think I'm perfect and right... but this is ridiculous. I'm tired of my siblings and i having to hide parts of our lives from them... I'm tired of the relationship i have with them. i want it to grow... but something isn't right.
I'm thankful for Steph. I'm glad it worked out that her and i were able to get together tonight and talk life. if her and i really are able to move out together it's going to be amazing. she just helps me process and think through things. i appreciate her honesty and sincerity. one day I'll share with her my secrets... but for now, I'll keep getting to know her. i wanted so bad to talk to her about something tonight... i really need that accountability... really badly... but I'm scared she'll freak. no ones perfect, but sometimes we don't want to hear about it.
I'm already ready for this semester to be over. correction. I'm ready for CPCC to be over. i hate it... it's dumb and pointless and makes me want to say bad words.
wait... i just text Steph asking her to keep me accountable... i can't just keep living with this sin. i can't keep living with this log in my eye as i tell others to get the speck out of theirs. yaaaay hypocrisy.
title by Elsaine - Prozaic
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