seriously... i hate morbid gory movies. i had to watch the 13th warrior for my english class so i could write a comparison paper comparing it to beowulf. i really didn't think it was going to be that bad... maybe my heart and mind are just too sensitive to it... either way... i'm hoping that as i write this it will help to just get it out of my head and allow me to sleep peacefully...
God, will you please give me restful sleep tonight? even in my sleep i stress and worry... my sore jaw is a sign of that. God you made me and know the way my mind works... the way it grabs onto images and takes them for ransom. forgive me for not being able to keep it under control... Father will you teach me how to stop sinful thoughts? thoughts that keep me from focusing on what's important? God will you also give me endurance to make it through these last 8 weeks of school... i'm so tired of it all... more than anything, i'm tired of being surrounded by people who hate you so much. people who do everything they can to get away from you and your Glory and Purity. people who laugh at the face of hell. people who make me want to just curl up in a ball and cry... God i'm so tired of "debating" them. trying to prove to them that they're wrong. when did this happen? when did my talks turn into debates? God i just want to show them what you've given me... but how do i show someone a feeling? by actions? by words? by love? i just get so frustrated when mere curiousity turns into debate. people at school or work will ask me questions about what i believe and in my attempts to explain myself, it all somehow morphs into a debate... i'm tired of it God!! i'm so tired... for once, i'd love to talk to someone who actually cared... someone who actually was truly curious of what i have and why i'm different........... i am different aren't i God? do i actually stick out? do i actually allow you to shine through me?
is that where i've gone wrong Father? have i lost sight of it all and am losing myself in the crowd around me? God bring me out of it all... give me endurance to run this last leg of the race. but all the while will you please help me to stay true to you and keep my eyes and mind focused on you and to stop worrying about the little things?
i love you Father... thank you for understanding me and knowing my words before i even speak them and knowing my thoughts before i think them. thank you for your unending patience with me. thank you for the fresh cool air of fall that reminds me of your creativity. thank you for the birds that remind me to keep my eyes focused on you and to let go of my worries and frustrations and help me to remember the way you see me. thank you father for my family... thank you for our rare relationships... that we are all so close. God will you continue to help us all grow closer to you and help us to be more open with one another? sometimes father i feel like even though we can laugh and have fun together, we struggle talking about the hard things. God thank you for bringing me to UCF. for bringing me somewhere i can actually use the gifts you gave me to help others. thank you father for the gifts you gave me... for the ability to sing and listen to a sad heart. help me father when i'm listening to allow you to speak through me and to not try and find the words on my own. God thank you for my friends you've given me... for Stephanie and Brandon and Jessica and Michelle and KB and Summer... thank you for the people who truly reached out to me. God thank you for giving me someone like stephanie to allow me to share my struggles with. thank you for making her the way she is. thank you God for everything you've blessed me with.
goodnight Father, i love you and praise you for everything you do... amen.
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