wonder-dummied

i often think how nice it would be if i could just some how spew my thoughts onto this screen without spending close to an hour typing.

a LOT has been running through my head lately. especially because i have to ask the hard questions.

1. my pastor at church asked me to consider taking on a position leading the high school ministry at church. I'd basically be the go to person for it and I'd be teaching on Sunday nights. freakin AMAZING. I'm super excited about it, but the reality of it is sinking in and it's terrifying. really it just comes down to me being fearful I'll some how misinterpret scripture and some how lead these kids astray. but i honestly feel that at this moment in time because i live on the opposite side of the city, it's going to be hard to get super deep with these kids. that doesn't mean i still can't teach and be involved. it's just because of my sporadic schedule, i can't just meet up with them at the drop of a hat. it's not like i live 10 minutes away. plus who knows how much further north they live past the church?!

which brings me to my next thought...

2. if you don't already know, i want to move out. I'm beyond over living at home. the constant messiness (one of THE biggest reasons... seriously... it's incredibly embarrassing sometimes...), the invasion of privacy, the lack of closeness to friends/church/ministry/boyfriend, the want of just my own space and the freedom that comes along with that. it's not that i want to do anything that i can't do now (besides get a tattoo and stay out past 2 if i so desire it). the thing is, is it's hard to explain unless you are in my shoes. i LOVE my mom... so much... but sometimes i just get so annoyed with her. part of it is because i know i can't confront her about anything. if i do she just gets upset or defensive or just overly bent out of shape. so the plan is IF i get paid for working for church which i really don't expect them to, and i start working for my mom, then i can afford to move out ^_^

3. I've felt like a jerk lately. just my lack of patience with my mom or people around me. how i handled a cruddy situation with a guy at school. basically me just being nice to him led him on and now he won't leave me alone. i just feel bad because even though i didn't mean to cause this awkward situation, i feel like i hurt Brandon some how. I've just felt very immature lately. i got super bent outta shape about the new rules at SES. it's really no big deal, but just because of my past situations with overly cautious rules, i get really defensive and worked up about some situations. i just keep thinking "they're missing the point." why are we all so focused on rules, but not the heart? i could seriously get up on about 10 soap boxes about this subject, but I'll just walk away.

4. I'm beyond over cpcc. the people there are lazy and the teachers stink and i just want to move on...

that's what this comes down to.

I'm tired of being in this stage in my life. i feel like I've been here FOR EV ER and i just can't get out. it seems hopeless and i feel like I'll never be done with school or move out or grow up in the slightest bit. I'm ready to take the next step, but i just can't.

on a super cool note. God is awesome and gave me something to make me smile about... tonight Brandon and i were laying on the side walk looking at stars and literally, i couldn't even get the whole sentence out.. but as i said "i would love to see a shooting star" an amazing one shot across the sky RIGHT above me. thank you God ^_^ i needed that. i had awful dreams last night... probably the worst I've had in.... well... ever. and i can't get the images or sounds out of my head. that is something that just amazes me... Jesus never had an impure thought. he was in complete control of his mind... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! seriously.

oh also I'm getting better (which is a relative term) at long boarding... that's EXTREMELY exciting. I've really always wanted to learn how and now that i am is sooooooooo amazing.

i really felt like there was more for me to write about, but i suppose that's it. one day I'll look back and it'll all make sense. if nothing else, i just have time to gather my things and save my money and purchase furniture and find the perfect house. I've got time, i just get fixated on the big picture. the future of what could be.

title by Brooke Waggoner... amazing musician. christian? maybe.