i think, therefore i panic.

so yesterday had to be the most emotionally messed up day ever. one moment it was great, the next it all crashed. all that then led to me having panic attacks all day today.

*sigh*

i'm just so tired. i think i'm going to have to withdrawal from my summer classes. i don't know how i on earth i thought i'd be able to do it. i've got too much going on... but this scares me because i think if i can't handle a couple easy classes during the summer, could i REALLY move out to Cali and live a life on my own? ugh... i've just got to get out. i'm so over it all. oh dear........... soon enough i suppose.

my mom threw a random question at me today that i can't get off my mind. there's a guy i've had a pathetic crush on for the past 2 years. i can't get him off my mind. maybe that's why none of my other relationships work. but he just graduated from college and is playing around with the idea of moving here. my mom asked me what i'd do if he moved here and started pursuing me.......would i then feel so led to move to cali? and really i have no idea. i mean i know that he probably won't move here and that he probably doesn't see me that way... never has... never will. so yeah, even though it'd be hard to move, i think i still would.

i wish i could tell my brain to shut up sometimes.

....

life is funny how it works sometimes... the way people come in and out and then in and out of your life. maybe this isn't a good way of looking at my friendships, but i've kind of gotten quite cynical with my relationships...... but i'm always looking at relationships as "what am i going to learn from this friendship/dating relationship?" it never seems to fail that my friends don't last long. maybe that's just because i'm just now making the life time type of friends and the ones before were the typical highschool kind of friends.

geez i'm so ready to just grow up. get out of my parents house and move on. this may possibly be the longest year of my life...

oh, hello

sometimes i think it'd be nice to be deaf. i'm very easily persuaded by peoples words. it's also very easy for just a few words to make or break my day. it'd be nice to just be deaf. no yelling. no nagging.... plus i like hands... so it'd be cool to talk with them. hands fascinate me. eyes being the first thing i notice about someone, hands are usually second. they tell a lot about someone. infact, i saw a person who i THOUGHT was a girl, until i saw their hands... very obvious man hands.......

yikes.

i can't wait to talk to God face to face... so creative...............

though all the same, i'm SO incredibly thankful for my hearing. i LOVE music, i love to sing, i love the sound of birds and thunderstorms and waves crashing wind blowing and the sound of my camera shutter...........

i need to stop stressing so much about my appearance. i've become incredibly unhappy with my appearance as of late. i miss my long hair... A LOT. i'd like to lose a few pounds. and i seriously hate how big my freakin chest is. i hope one day i have a husband who has a thing for them cause i could care less about them and would almost love to rid myself of them. hahaha.....

ANYWAYS..........





i came to the realization that a lot of my friends will be gone for the summer... Caroline, Raymond, Esther, and my friend Jacob is moving to Cali. a lot is changing around me this summer... i don't like it.

most feared prayer

i went and had lunch with my dad today. we have an odd relationship... it seems very... just... different. it's like we have the best spiritual conversations, but we hardly talk otherwise. and when we do talk we really have to make it a priority. it's not because we don't want to, it's because we just are both so busy and hardly see each other. anyways, so we had lunch... as i began sharing with him all that God was doing in my life, he really challenged me in a way i have never been before. i was telling him how i just couldn't seem to hear God's voice clearly... how do i know what he sounds like? how do i know it's him and not someone else? my father put it simply that as we get to know him better, we will know what his voice sounds like... he challenged me to pray that God would really show himself to me. i guess growing up in the church i never really thought about praying that. i always thought i knew who God is. but, i don't. if i did, maybe i wouldn't feel so lost all the time.

i pray a lot when i'm alone in my car... i actually tend to talk to myself. but it works... it helps me think through things. anways... i tend to turn those conversations to talks with God. tonight i prayed on the way home that God would show himself to me... and as i prayed that, i got this feeling as if i was going down a huge hill on a rollercoaster... it was a terrifying feeling. i think it's because i do know who God is to some extent. he is to be feared, honored, held to a high respect and admiration. it's scary to think about God showing himself to us... we're so fragile. but God tells us not to worry, not to fear, we're worth more than we know. he won't give us too much... just enough to break us and bring us to him.

oh goodness, i want to write more but i can barely keep my eyes open......... it was a great day.

dancin queen...

so today was NOT the best of days. satan was hitting me REALLY hard... and of course at the worst of times, while i was at work. all i wanted to do was sit in the back and cry. i was just lonely. a cute older deaf couple came in and it got me thinking "will i ever have that?" they just fit. they worked together... and i want that. anyways... on top of that, my manager actually apologized for what she said yesterday. yeah i know, you're probably thinking "why is that bad?" well, ok, it's not that bad... but it's like how can you really take back something like that you know? then i got a headache and was hungry cause i'm trying to lose weight and so i've stopped eating a ton of junk. don't worry, i'm just trying to eat healthy and work out... not trying ot lose a billion pounds... just a few and mostly just get in shape.

but wow... tonight... A MA ZING.

so Chris, who is my 6'7" skinny black friend who LOVES to dance (he's like my brotha from anotha motha...) and i were hangin out down off Central ave. and he ran into a good friend of his from high school who invited us to this "dance party" down off park rd. so we hesitated but then thought "what the hey, we're young and life is short!!" so we went. and oh my goodness, i have not had that much fun in seriously, a really really long time. it was kinda nerve racking at first cause i KNOW chris can dance really really well, and i... can... sort of. but i was like, you know what, chris is one of my CLOSEST friends, and if i can't act like a complete fool around him, who can i?! so i just danced, and danced, and danced.......... so, much, freakin, fun. turns out i can dance a LOT better than i thought!!!
wow... so yeah, i'll tell my parents soon i went because i want to go back and so does Chris and i HATE hiding things from them. it wasn't like a booty dancin club or ANYTHING like that... except for the dumb drunk highschool kids who some how got in there. it's funny cause i know my parents will ask me all sorts of questions about it, and one of them being "well would you feel comfortable with us there?" and the answer is YES! haha cause at no point did i feel like "man, i really really shouldn't be doing this..." it was just a BLAST. it was like where all the kids from urban outfitters go to dance haha... super 80's wanna be kids. SO much fun... i out danced a black girl trying to dance with chris. haha... that was funny... and then some guy from the club came up and was taking pictures of chris and i dancing... who knew i could ACTUALLY dance THAT well?!?! hahahaha... ok ok i HAVE to get some sleep cause i have to be up at the booty crack of dawn... 6:45 to be exact... yikes.

i'm a sloth

i feel like i constantly imagine myself as someone i'm not. it's like in my mind, i picture this girl who is not only prettier than me, but waaay more importantly, kinder, more patient, Loving, gentle, free, giving, passionate, genuine, focused, carefree but careful..............

i want to sell/give away all my possessions. they're useless and take up space. if i make any money i'd like to give it to my church or a missionary or someone in need.

i want to paint my room an antique yellow and burnt orange... i want a dog and a studio apartment in the city... i want to live somewhere i can ride my bike to and from places.

basically...

i'm selfish and lazy.




i could be so much better than i am. i really could be that girl, couldn't i? i'm just lazy. i'd rather lay in the sun and sing songs and play with friends until the late night hours. i'm messy, and i don't think i can help it. it just happens.

anyways. if you've read this far. stop, and go read Francis Chan's book Crazy Love.

lots and lots

seriously can't let myself get distracted... i knew this would happen. i knew i'd get home and within a split second i'd lose it all.

it's funny how a few little words can rip you apart. i was already not feeling so good about my appearance today (i'm still not) and the first thing my manager said to me today was "you look bigger... did you gain weight?"

thanks.

then an old friend came to see me. it was great... a little nerve racking, but great... and i'm sure he could tell. i don't trust my feelings anymore and i get scared easily. i've got a lot on my mind and i just don't want to hurt anyone. 

ok... that's enough... more later.

put this one on my facebook and forgot to put it on here...

so first of all, i find it odd that i'm writing after i just finished writing a 20 page summery of a class i was in this spring. i'll warn you, my brain is a little fried at the moment and sometimes i think i'm making sense, but really, i've just spoken fluent jibberish to you.

though i'm worn out from writing the paper, i'm thankful i wrote it. it was worth it for me to realize one thing..............

but first, let me back track to Passion Conference 08'. i went going with the mindset that i felt lost and just wanted some direction in my life. i know God has called me to be in ministry in some way shape or form, but i'm not sure how. so after it was all said and done... all i knew was that God had heard my cry. when we had gotten home, i began talking with some of my close girlfriends about just things... life stuff... God, our passions, etc. we all came down to one conclusion, and that was that there must be more to life than this. we all felt a huge calling into ministry but had no idea where to go. we were getting antsy and just ready to leave. though i'm sure our age and just the stage that we are in our lives does help the antsyness of wanting to get out. 

fast forward

still feeling lost and unsure where to go, but knowing that God was calling. i sat to write this long paper about the problem of evil in our world, as i drew to the conclusion, it hit me. it's no wonder we have this feeling of "there's got to be more than this!" C.S. Lewis said it best, he basically said that though God made us for this world, we are not to stay here. it is in our heart of hearts that we truly desire heaven and to be close to God, but this world is just what it is, and we are not ready for Him. so it only makes sense that we (my girlfriends and i) are feeling so utterly frustrated... we've all grown close to God and now all we desire is more of Him! more of heaven! more purity! it's no surprise that we've grown exhausted with our world and our generation!

i summed up my paper saying this:

So when everything is said in done, how can we sum all this up? God truly is as he says he is. Perfectly all-good, all-loving, all-wise, even though at first glance it seems to contradict the very world he created. It seems that sometimes we try to make God make sense to us, when God is just too complex for us to wrap our minds around. Try as we may, we will never understand God. Because if we can understand him, he is just like us. Never-the-less, despite the contradictions in our minds, it all makes perfect sense once examined a little closer. So then if God is all that he claims, then we need not worry. That’s truly what it all comes down to, it’s that we are worried. Because we can’t seem to see the end result of it all, we freak out and question everything we know, even God. there was once a story told about a father who took his child to the zoo. As they went on the safari tour, the tour guide explained to them that when animals are in a group, each group has its own name. For example, lions are called a pride, cows are called a herd, fish are called a school, birds are called a flock, but the one, he said, that most stuck out to him where the rhinos. Rhinos are called a crash when they are in a group (which is rare in the first place, since rhinos are solitary animals). The reason they are called a crash is because first of all, they can run up to 30 mph, which may not seem like a lot, but when compared to a squirrel who can run a mere 25 mph, we realize just how fast that is for a rhino. Secondly, they can only see 30 feet in front of them, they have no idea what is at 31 feet. But without question, they run. Isn’t this how Christian’s should be living their lives? Not questioning what’s at “31 feet?” But knowing that if this is the direction we are to run, we run as hard and as fast as we can. God says in Matthew, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

i didn't expect finding clarity in a 20 page paper of doom, but surprisingly enough i did. 

can't believe i never noticed my heart before.

have you ever loved the lyrics of a song so much you wanted them to be about you? or maybe not so much about you, but to apply to you in some way? well, that was how Mute Math's song Noticed was for me. i love the lyrics... i love the song... but for so long they didn't apply to me.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::
Careful when you open
It's easy to be broken
In the strangest fashion
You start a chain reaction
When you look my way
Something's pounding away
And I wonder if I ever
felt this before

And all this time, oblivious
to what you make so obvious
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

And you are reaching
Something that is beating
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again
Racing out of my skin
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
At least it was never until I noticed

you and your ways
Capture what I've misplaced
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart's reaction
This point of view
is nothing that I'm used to, but I
won't close my eyes
'Cause they're on to you

And all this time,
it was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

And you are reaching
Something that is beating
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again
Racing out of my skin
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
At least it was never until I noticed

you

The only time I ever noticed my heart
Was when I noticed you, yeah
The only time I ever noticed my heart
Was when I noticed you, yeah
You, yeah, you, yeah!

And you are reaching
Something that is beating
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again
Racing out of my skin
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
'Till I noticed you, yeah
I noticed you, yeah
When I noticed you, yeah
You, yeah
When I noticed you, yeah
I noticed you, yeah
That's the only time I ever noticed my heart before

^_^

so who knew that a simple weekend away with an old friend would bring about so much. for what seemed like forever i was battling myself and God. trying to find my passion. my heart. and it was like once i finally gave up, and just noticed God and how... amazing?.... well words can't describe him... but it was then that HE showed me my heart. made what was so obvious even more obvious. the whole weekend i just relaxed and prayed and journaled and read and one night out of no where... it just made sense......

the Church.

my heart cries out for the Church. how broken and lost and confused and unbiblical it has become. it was like out of no where, it all dawned on me, and the puzzle pieces just seemed to fit.

so this is my passion... now what?

a little bit at a time

i think maybe, just maybe, i'm finally seeing bits and pieces of my heart.

God... will you please continue to show me my passions?

lukewarm and lovin' it.

this is my prayer...
am i on fire for you, do i really see the riches you have for me?
God reveal to me where i'm lukewarm.
God give me strength in the areas where i'm lukewarm?

God do whatever it takes to get me on fire for you.

why haven't i kept up with this thing?

dang, it's been a while. i've changed a lot, and not so much. i made it through the spring semester only to fail horribly in my bible college classes but doing VERY well in my cpcc classes. i'm still growing up and learning a lot about myself. i've kinda come to the conclusion that maybe the reason i lack so much motivation in school is because i have no end goal. nothing to aim for. frankly, i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life. and i have no idea what my true passions are. i still love photography and know that God is calling me to ministry... but that's quite open ended and could take me anywhere. i'm ready to move out. so much more so than ever... and i think it's gone past the selfish reasons to just being ready. i'm not annoyed at my parents anymore, i'm not trying to get away with things i know i shouldn't be doing. i know that basically the reason for me wanting to move out, is just to take that next step in my life. it's weird thinking i'm still just 19. i feel so much older than that. and maybe it's because i don't act like you're typical 19 year old.

i know i'm quite scatterbrained and as my sister puts it "free." but i want to learn how to use it for God. God made me this way for a reason. i know he did... but how?

through lots of hard thinking and talking with my parents and most of all, just praying... i've decided to leave SES. it's not for me. i think i knew that from the beginning... but i'm a pushover. but the thing is, i still very strongly want biblical knowledge. a few of my girlfriends and i were having dinner tonight and we got talking about baptism and other spiritual type things, and i didn't know the answers to these hard but perfectly wonderful questions. i so desperately just want to know truth. i know what i believe and why i believe it... but SES isn't cutting it. they're not preparing me for going out. there's a school i've fallen in love with out in Cali... but who knows if i'll actually make it out there.

regardless... for now, i stay here and get my Associates and be praying God leads me once i'm done.

i have a headache and i want to listen to francis chan. he's amazing... you should listen to him too.