Roseline

i feel like my life is like a boat in a storm. though i'm not sinking right now, i'm being moved around in the boat and tossed with every wave. life is good, it's just not very... consistent. i haven't been getting a lot of work, so i've been stuck in a lazy haze. it's bad... i need more things to preoccupy my time. i wished i really liked reading, but i just don't. instead i've been spending my time putting henna on myself and sleeping and working out. oh and hanging out with friends of course.

God's been teaching me a lot and i definitely feel like i'm finally being me. not anyone else. i think things will be changing for me again. i think i may have always known it in the back of my head, but i didn't know why.

God's showing me all my passions and teaching me a lot about prayer... but i still long to know him. i want more of Him and less of the rest. i think yesterday was the first day in a very long time i was actually laughed AT for being a christian. it was, sad. but not sad in the way of being embarrassed or like my feelings had been hurt, but sad in the way that it hit me that these people just don't get it. they don't feel the love i feel when my family and i share special moments, the love i feel when i'm engulfed in nature, the love i feel when i read the Bible, the love i feel when God blesses my day with my favorite things... like wind and rain and birds... even when they feel joy from similar moments... it may never be as deep and meaningful as mine is. for i know that because of my love for God and my understanding of how HIS love has affected those around, these moments, are not just moments. my parents love God more than i may know, and because of our families similar tie around God, we have much more grace, understanding, humility, joy. it is when i see nature at it's wildest, i'm reminded of God's creativity... it humbles me. i marvel at how God made things just so. it is when i read His words, i learn just how deeply he loves us all... many say they'd die for another... but i seem to recall only One person actually following through with that thought.


my mom recently bought me (randomly) one of the invisible children bracelets. i used to have 2 more, but they disappeared. God's really been breaking my stubbornness and giving me a passion for people all over. so when i saw the video of Roselines life in Uganda... my heart broke. how could anyone so broken, have so much joy? she sings, she laughs, she loves, she works, she plays, she has dreams.......... she's just like you and me... minus everything. she has aids, she's beyond poor, she has no parents, she barely has a home... yet, she's happy. why can't i be like this? why do i get so stressed? why do i get so stressed i get headaches and have nightmares and tense up my shoulders to the point that i'm miserable in pain. i'm a pushover and find myself in crap situations. why can't i be like Roseline? why can't i just stop wanting and love what i have. this kinda brings me to another thought.

i've been really tempted as of late to fast from wearing make up. i'm really praying hard about something right now to the point of fasting... and i know you don't just have to fast from food. i think it'd be good for me. i'm going to be honest and say that at times i'm really wrapped up in myself. i hate to say it, but i do think i'm beautiful... it's not that i don't want to think not think i'm pretty... because there are lots of things i dislike about myself... but from the neck up, i love what i see. it's why i think it'd be good to rid myself of my security in my make up. i know that when i don't have it on, i'm extremely self-conscious. i think it'd be good to see myself the way God see's me. to learn to love me with or without make up. but i battle this fasting from it. i convince myself i don't have a problem, that i could go with out it, but i don't have to, so i won't. but, i think maybe, i do have a problem.

i'm 20 now. it's a weird age. i don't really remember putting "grow up" on my list of things to do. but whether i want to do it or not, it's happening.