papers in order

God has been teaching me a lot lately. i hate that it's this way, but all my bad qualities i've seen in others around me. which is bad, cause it sucks for them, but it's helped me to actually see how i'm appearing to others. and quite frankly, that type of attitude/behavior is just not attractive. i feel like i'm finally getting out of this dang ditch i've dug myself into. i'm just tired of my old behaviors...
i want to:
make better grades
be more spontaneous
face my fears
not stress so much
control my thoughts
learn to be content
work out more
go to bed earlier (yeah, i say that as i sit here typing this at 1:37am)
and most of all, grow closer to God... read the bible more, spend more quality time in prayer, join a small group... etc...

i'm excited for this new semester. i'm ready for the new year. i'm ready for a new me. i just don't like who i am right now. i feel lame and silly and like i'm slipping back into my old ways. i ran from so much back in Columbia, and i need to leave it all there. i just can't compromise my beliefs anymore.

anyways. new years should be... well... i have no idea what's going to happen. i mean i have a couple options, i just don't know exactly what will happen... there are some things we need to work out.

also... Kenna and The Old Ceremony are quickly becoming 2 of my favorite bands.

Dreary thoughtful me

I stress, a lot. Its something I don't really know where I picked it
up. But, I just do. It gets intensified when people notice that i am
stressed and point it out. I think part of it is that people (lately)
have been pointing out my faults to me. I let it get to me and the
result makes my confidence just crash. I try to just be best I can and
know how to. But I am a people pleaser. I'm not a push over, don't
confuse the two, but I do like to make people happy.

I feel like everytime I talk to my friends or family they're trying to
help me get over my problems. I dont really have any problems! Sure I
think about stuff, and I'm quiet when I'm thinking, but it doesn't
mean I'm sad.

I just think about things too much. Again, I just need to let go. Not
let what others say about me get to me. No matter how big or how
small. It's not them I'm trying to please, its God. The end, I'm done,
I have got to freakin let go. I've just become very dreary because of
all this.

it doesn't feel like Christmas

it seems that every year it feels less and less like Christmas. not sure why it is this way, but it is. it seems the older i've gotten, the less exciting it is. it's like that magic and surprise of every year is gone. *sigh* i miss being a little kid. life was so much easier. now my heart behaves in weird ways i can't understand or control.

my aunt and grandma are coming in town today. actually, they're about an hourish away right now. i suppose i should get cleaned up. and i suppose i should be excited about their arrival, but i'm not. i mean i am, sort of. it's just really, my grandma... she's VERY opinionated. she'll say something about something that will tear my confidence down. it happens every time we all get together. last time she called lauren and i immature. pffft... hahahaha...... :-D i don't mind my aunt though. i really enjoy seeing her. :) it's just going to be an interesting Christmas i guess.

ok, i guess i'll get up now and get cleaned up, because heaven forbid that my grandma see me without makeup on. she WILL say something about that. and probably some thing about how i dress... it's a little too funky for her. is it bad that i want to look extra funky to just get a reaction out of her? haha......

my lip hurts... i bit it in my sleep.

i should be sleepinging

so i feel like as of late i've been in a sort of funk. i can't really think straight. i find myself allowing my mind to spiral out of control. i think, a lot... and not about just one thing in particular but a lot of things. i allow my heart to worry. i realized the other day while i was writing out my schedule that i honestly do not know if i'll have time to work next semester. my schedule is going to be a little weird and i worry that if i try and work on top of everything else i wear myself out and won't be able to do anything (work/school/church/friends/family) to the best of my ability. i guess this is why it's good that i don't move out right now. i can't afford it anyhow.

but really, more than anything, i've been irritated by my lack of control over my mind. i can't help but wonder. i wonder what school will be like next semester. i wonder who i'll meet and what they'll be like. i wonder what kind of conversations i'll get into and if i'll be prepared to answer any questions people may have (in regards to Christianity). it makes me nervous! i wonder if i'll really have time for a job. i wonder when i'll ever find a guy who i could even think about dating. i wonder if that guy i noticed, noticed me too. i wonder why people are so blind to truth. i wonder if i'll ever reconnect with old friends, and how those old friends are doing.......... but i can't do this. i can't let my mind be bogged down so much with so many thoughts. it's not that thinking about all of that is bad. i mean if thinking was bad, then i wouldn't be studying apologetics. it's how i let my heart react. i worry about so many things. this is why i love birds so much (matthew 6:26, 10:31).

*sigh* i need to go to bed. i don't want to work in the morning. i have to tell my boss my schedule for next semester. i may have to quit. :-/

ACK! stop worrying Kendall!!!! i feel like i've been so pessimistic lately! blegh! i don't like this side of me at all! i mean really i'm quite happy most of the time, but in my mind, i'm worried.





let go.

how my heart behaves

i hate these moments in my life. i hate seeing the valleys in the midst of mountain tops. i wish i knew how to control my mind, but it likes to focus on what it can't have. i wish i could learn from my mistakes. sometimes, i just want to be alone... but then i'd be running from my problems. and it's not that these things that i don't/can't have are the problems... it's my attitude. i have a very poopy attitude right now.

i'm just trying to grow up too fast. i just hate the typical 19 year old girl. i don't want to be her! she's everything i'm running from. don't get me wrong, i still want to have fun and be silly and live life, i just don't want to be dumb.

that's it! i can't handle this anymore! i'm not running, i'm just letting go. it's to hard and too painful to worry about this all of the time. *sigh* again, this is why i want my sparrow tattoo. i forget so easily how much God loves me and cares for me and is never going to let anything happen that i can't handle. he loves me, he planned on me, he wants me, he made it possible for me to love him back, why can't i see that!? why can't i just love him and be loved? why can't i just let go and be done?! ohgdhor'fghiogdfidgfhiogfdiofgdio''hdiof


i'm done!

my mind, i has it.

i have a boat load of stuff on my mind. i'm growing up. and it's weird and hard and different. i don't need to worry about any of this stuff really. it's not like any of it is life altering in a BAD way. it's all potentially good. it's not that things are bad, it's just there's a lot, a few... a couple things i'd like to change. it's funny how the older you get, the more aware of stuff you become. i know this whole blog is so vague. i just worry that SOMEONE is reading this who is tied to me in some way and i don't want to say TOO much this time. if you KNOW me, then you know what's going on in my head right now, and i need not say more than i am. i just need prayer, and guidance, and to sit down and think. i've got a lot of things i have to weigh out the options for.

i worry too much.

blegh.

this is how i feel today

i'm quiet today. i feel slightly sad, but more so, numb. i'm tired of my surroundings affecting my emotions so much, so i think for once i'll just not feel.

i'm tired of guys and relationships. i feel like every time one starts, before i know it, it's ended. why can't i just be a friend to a guy? let things happen naturally.
i've noticed i'm big on first impressions... if you don't catch me here, it's likely you won't ever catch me. at least, that's what i've noticed.
also, i hate being asked out via - text, myspace, facebook, email... etc. and it's quite likely i'll either, A. not respond or B. say yes, but will take away cool kid points for the sad cop-out of a way to ask me. now, there are exceptions to the rule. if, for example, our only means of communication is through such things, then it's ok. but if you have my number, or you know you'll see me at church/school/around, then ask me out there. don't worry, i don't bite, and i'm much more likely to say yes if you do this then asking me through electronic devices.

i need/want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i'm noticing that they mean more to me than they probably realize.

i've drank almost a whole pot of coffee, by myself... this may not end well.

3rd day on the job

so funny moment of the day. i got a new job working at a local grocery store. i was in the back doing some chores with one of my co-workers who is the nicest elderly man i think i've ever met. he is 76 and still just truckin along like he's my age :) anyhow, aside from his energetic side, he's very hard of hearing, even with his hearing aids. well, amidst our chore doin, some young punk came bounding in out of no where and started saying who knows what to us and then laughed as he flew past us... i looked at the old man amidst our chopping of fruits and veges with a look of "did you get that?!" and without skipping a beat he said, "well, the Lord made all kinds"
i laughed... VERY HARD... it took a lot in me to keep it to just a good chuckle. it was possibly the best response to a moment like that i think i've ever heard. it was so nonchalant, yet so serious. i still smile and laugh a little thinking about it. :) i like my new job.

I just saw a bumper sticker that said "question reality" to which I
wonder if I should question the reality of said bumper sticker...hmmm...

Ugh

Why do I worry so much? Why do I get focused on one thing and hold on
to it and not let go? This isn't healthy!

I have so much on my mind right now. Relationships, work, the summer,
spring break, humanity, my surrounding enviroment... I feel like I'm
just barely hanging on. Only eight more days until I can breath.

I mean, really, I'm fine, just letting things get to me for some
reason. And no, I'm not PMSing!

I mean, seriously!

I just don't get it. I'll never understand peoples logic behind there
thoughts. Why are we all so blind? Why can't people just see?

*sigh*

I wish my heart wasn't so frazzled. Its causing my panic attacks to
flare back up :/ I give up.

Confirmation

Yup, God really does want me to be single... Still, no idea how long,
but I'm thankful to know I'm in the midst of His will.

Really?

Gosh, such a good weekend. I learned a lot about myself. Stuff I of
course didnt want to see, but I know that its good. I need to see this
stuff, no matter how frustrating or painful or scary it is. God really
confirmed in me somethings I needed to deal with and let go of. Its
going to be an interesting and probably somewhat painful journey. But
I know it will only do good for me.
One major thing God showed me is that I need to let go of guys and
probably not date anyone for a while (for how long, no idea... I'm
just praying God will reveal the end when I'm ready). I know myself, I
know I open up to guys too soon and give a piece of my heart too fast.
Its funny how hard I tried to convince myself that I was "ok" single.
I mean I know I am, its just I kept lying to myself and even others
saying "no no, I'm fine!" when really I prayed and cried to just be
with someone. I don't know if its just my age or what, but I want a
boyfriend so badly sometimes. I don't even know why though. I've never
been in a good enough relationship to make me want to be in one again.
In fact the pattern of my dating past would make you think I would be
avoiding guys. I think though I'm just wanting to be proved wrong. I
want someone to prove to me that guys aren't stupid. Ok... So girls
are too. Its just that none of those guys fit me. I wanted them to,
but really we were no good together.
I was reading back over some of my journal entries and I noticed I,
Kendall, am obsessed with guys. So many of my entries were about guys.
And I'm tired. I don't want to deal with it anymore! I can't do it
anymore. But even though I'm tired of my obsession, I know there will
times I'll cry out to God "why?!?!" I just dont get why I'm single
sometimes. I don't get why guys don't see me, why I can never seem to
attract the guys I want to. It makes me feel like "what's wrong with
me?!" but guys always either see me as just a "friend" or as a play
thing. That or we both end up rushing waaay too fast and realize oh
dang, were no good.
Anyhow... So no dating for a while I guess. God is seriously going to
have to help me on this one. If he wants me here so badly then hes
going to have to give me strength and courage and joy and... *sigh*
yeah

Fine

God! You win! I give...

Refreshment

What do I need to get rid of to figure out that I need God? What do I
need to get rid of to find refreshment in the Lord?
So many times I find myself in this place. I hate it. I become
stubborn and conceded. Looking at situations like I'm too good for
them. That is a disgusting attitude to have. I want to be humble. I
want to see the good in what ever situation I am in. To see the
opportunities i have and run with them. I want to be thankful.

I really am a little more immature then I'd like to think I am. I want
to get out of myself... If that makes any sense. I just don't like who
I see right now.