who am i?

do you ever get caught up in the eb and flow of life and suddenly find yourself lost? that's where i am. i've been going through school, church, friends, life, and suddenly stopped and found that i don't know who i am or where i am. i kept trying to place my identity in the clothes i wore, in the church i went to, in the school i went to... in the style i was trying to be. only to come crashing down with nothing but a question of, what now? maybe none of this is making sense. maybe you can totally relate... regardless, it's how i've been feeling for a while now. i'm stuck now not knowing who Kendall is. i told my friend the other day that i felt older. he didn't quite understand, and honestly, i didn't either... but there was something about that day that made me feel older. today, i figured it out... i was being me. when i had stopped trying to please everyone around me and allowed my true heart of hearts to shine through, i couldn't help but feel mature. i had been with my closest friends the night before. they are the ones that know me inside and out... my deepest of darkest secrets. they are there for me, the keep me accountable (thanks Aaron), they give me space but still long to be close. i feel like there is a CIU Kendall, a church Kendall, a certain group of friends Kendall, and then somewhere in the midst of all of this... there is the true Kendall. but i constantly am asking myself, who is that? when i look in the mirror, who do i see? what type of Kendall am i trying to be today? and i'm tired. i can't do it anymore. there are so many things in my past i'm coming to realize i have not let go of yet, and a friend of mine helped me to see that (thanks Scott). i heard this song the other night, and i'm pretty sure the better part of it really relates to it all... actually like the whole entire CD could be the sound track to my life (Corey Crowder - Learning to let go. that's the name of the album and of the song)

Corey Crowder - Learning to let go
Am I wasting my breath? Because its still in my mind that its always the wrong place at the wrong time. So lets face the facts, we all make mistakes. But weve got to live life before it passes right by.

So before you pack your things and go, theres one last thing that I want you to know.
You cant find happiness if you wont let go.

We can agree on one thing. You cant fight fate with fate. We had a good love, but its seen its last day. When opportunity knocked you had to answer the call. Now those clouds on that sunny day have all blown away.

Open your eyes. Youre bound to get hurt sometime

*sigh* gosh... that song just... it's one of those songs that almost brings me to tears every time i hear it...

"Am I wasting my breath? Because its still in my mind that its always the wrong place at the wrong time. So lets face the facts, we all make mistakes. But weve got to live life before it passes right by. " i constantly second guess myself... no matter what it is or what i'm doing... i constantly find myself wondering if i'm "in the wrong place at the wrong time." i've made mistakes, but i have to keep going... i've got to live life before it passes me by.

" So before you pack your things and go, theres one last thing that I want you to know.
You cant find happiness if you wont let go." i can't let go. i won't let go. i hold on to the grudges and the lies and the mistakes. it's like i'm lettin those things define me... but those are in the past! i'm not those things anymore!!! i used to think "i don't regret my past... it's made me, me" well yes, that's true to some extent... but honestly, i'm not of those things anymore. those lies and hurts. i'm bigger than that... but to some extent, i don't know who i'd be if i hadn't gone through those things. regardless, i "cant find happiness if [i] wont let go"

"We can agree on one thing. You cant fight fate with fate. We had a good love, but its seen its last day. When opportunity knocked you had to answer the call. Now those clouds on that sunny day have all blown away. " everything seemed so great. i loved school and life and just everything about where i was... but those clouds came rollin in, and i lost the sunshine.

" Open your eyes. Youre bound to get hurt sometime." ummm... yeah...

so here i am. wondering to myself, am i in the right place at the right time? or did i screw up again? did i over analyze God's voice, did i look too much at what i wanted? did i not do enough research? because i'm not happy. i find myself feeling like i just don't fit in at CIU anymore. and i don't know what happened. it was like YES! THIS IS IT! then, out of no where, i lost it all. though i have discovered my passions... i just don't know who i am in all of these, or what i'm supposed to do with them. i want to work with college students in an inner varsity at a secular school... but will CIU prepare me for that? am i too sheltered? is it good to be sheltered? since the beginning of my realization for my calling into the ministry, i have had a passion for apologetics. heck, it was apologetics that brought me to the realization of that calling. so now what do i do? God called me to CIU. he freakin blew the doors open so i could go... but now, i don't know if it's where i should be. they don't have an apologetics major... so what do i do? do i leave and go to uncc and while i'm there go to SEBC (southern evangelical bible college)? they have an apologetics major. would that be best so i could immerse myself in the university and get involved in the inner varsity there? or do i search out yet another bible college? i have so much time to decide this, yet i feel so restless. so many people are asking questions and wondering what happened and are trying to put in their 2 cents worth... but what are God's 2 cents? i want to know what HE THINKS. i want his will, and NO one elses... not even mine. forget what i want to do, forget what others say would be best... God knows, and i want him to tell me.

............. so here i am. in this desert.

"Therefore i am now going to allure her;
i will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her"
- Hos. 2:14

recap

ok so i discovered i could leave blog type journal entries on facebook. so that's what i've been doing for a lil while now, and that is why i haven't posted in here. so to recap, here are all the entries...

i should be sleeping
3:01am Friday, Oct 20

ok so i REALLY should be in bed... oh wait i am... ok so i really should be in bed ASLEEP. but i've got so much to write. i'm so excited! i'm so proud of myself! tonight at Deepening (a bible study i go to), Ben Byxbe challenged us to go out and start telling more people about Jesus Christ. no matter where we are. if we have the opportunity, we need to act on it. well, my good friend Joey decided he wanted to act on it right away. so Joey, Cora, and i went to waffle house and just sat there for a lil bit enjoying our food and talking and listening to the two dollars and fiftyish cents worth of music we had payed for on the juke box. well, let me back up a lil bit... stuff like this, this whole preaching God's word on a whim... not having any previous relationship with the person, not really having much time to think about what to say... yeah those kind of situations scare the CRAP out of me. tonight i cried/prayed God would help me. i wanted to be brave, i wanted to tell others about Him... i just didn't know what to say. it was something for so long i'd avoided and could no longer handle the conviction of Christ telling me to go and tell others about Him. so as we all sat there, i saw my chance, and i went for it. i asked the guy who cooked there, Stephen, if he knew Jesus Christ. i felt like the biggest freaking loser ever! i felt like one of those Jesus freaks that people avoid cause they scare people away from Christianity. but to my amazement, he responded in the best way ever! he just totally took the question and went with it! i came to find out he was a christian and he actually was searching for a new church! so we were able to invite him to our church!! we were STOKED! we all had a chance to talk to him some about Christ and our church and just that whole relationship with God. well we finished our food stuffs and left feeling completely encuoraged. as cora and i drove down the highway i couldn't help but wonder, "what about Faith? was she saved?" (the lil ol' lady who'd been working there since 1973) "and what about Roxanne?! does she know about God?!" (the younger waitress). i talked to cora about it and i just couldn't keep going, i had to go back... and Cora was more than eager to go with me :-D so we did... and to our joy they both knew God. i think out of all of them, roxanne had it figured out the best. but to us, it sounded like all of them just felt like Christianity had to do with going to church and acting like a good christian.
DANG! i just realized we didn't invite roxanne to church with us! maaaannnn... shoot. i'm going to have to go back now...
so wow... what a night! cora and i finally went back home feeling completely encouraged and refreshed and eager to tell more people about Christ! we sang worship songs and prayed the whole way home :)
i'm so proud of myself. i didn't know i had the courage to do that kind of stuff! GOD THANK YOU!!!!!!

"Isn't it ironic that the one thing man searches to find the answers to most in life (God), is the one thing man is most scared to ask questions about?"
- deep thought of the day, by Kendall Winter :)

home home home

1:26am Wednesday, Oct 18

so i'm back at school/home. it's good to be back. i quickly realized why i love this place so much :) the people here are just so amazing. i love my room mate to death. we pray together almost every night and that helps me a lot. sometimes i forget to merely spend even just a few minutes with Christ... it's good to just have that time to sit and unwind. we try and keep eachother accountable on homework and other things we know we're struggling with. we really get along great and just have a blast together :)

i was asked to be in a "refocus" peice for chapel... "refocus" is a short movie that they play in chapel that are just kind of like thought provocers (sp?!!?)... i won't say what it is about... not really even sure if i am at liberty to do so! haha... but none-the-less, i'm super excited about being in it for 2 reasons: 1. i love acting and 2. the concept behind it actually hits pretty darn close to home for me.

i feel like i've grown up a lot recently. infact... i don't even feel like the old person i used to be. it's insane to see how much i've changed just in this past year. i like me. no, i love the new me! God has def. done some MAJOR work in my life and transformed me. i am excited to see what else God has in store for me! i'm content with where i am. i mean sure, there are some things i'd love to improve in my life, but who doesn't have their down-falls? i guess it's that i'm content with my mind set.

ok well, time to get to bed so i can manage to actually wake up for my 8 o'clock class tomorrow (BLEGH!). last time i didn't even hear my alarm.

ready and waiting,
Kendall
~matthew 28:19~

slightly depressed

11:31pm Sunday, Oct 15

so it's been GREAT being home, but it's been hard too. once all the weird tension between my parents and i went away i REALLY started missing them. i miss my sister and brother a LOT too. and my church... and my friends... :-/

BUT! to be optimistic (sp?) IT'S FALL!!!! it's fall it's fall it's fall! my freakin' all time fav. season of the year! i love scarves and hoodies and jeans and sneakers and fun socks and cute fall clothes! i love being able to see my breath, i love jumping in leaves! i love clear fall nights where the stars shine brightly! i like sitting outside with a cup of coffee early in the morning and watching the steam rise and just taking deep breathes. this is perfect date weather... dang... now if i could only get asked out on a date... good thing i look exceptionally cute in the fall. pfff :-p i'm a dork.

aaaannnnyyyywwaaayyyssssss...........

hopefully tomorrow i will get some homework done.

now... on to a new post.

i shall title this "rant/confession"
today/yesterday i realized something. women are showing off waaay too much of their skin now-a-days. i was going through my friends on myspace and saw this girl who i believe is a freshman in highschool. well... her main pic was not the best to say the least. i guess it just saddened me. i realized that she was so lost. so confused. then that sadness turned to a bit of frustration! i was like "HEY! stop speaking on behalf of us women and make it look like we all dress like whores!" well... it was something to that affect. none-the-less, i just got irritated. i try so hard to dress modestly, and even when i know i'm wearing something low cut, i try not to show anything. so when i see someone like her dressing the way she does, i feel like she's giving girls a bad name... like "girls are just play things." and we aren't. this whole thing led to a long serious of thoughts. my next thought was, "what if men have become desinsatized to a womans body?" "what does that mean for me? do i have to dress this way to attract the opposite sex?" then i quickly realized how much of this whole "dress like a whore" "sex sells" type of life is smothering the media. then i was like "OH MY GOSH! kids are buying this type of stuff!!!" i'm disgusted at this world. i hate it. i hate feeling like if i'm not a size freaking 0 i'm fat. i hate feeling like i should be taller, that i should wear less clothing, that i should wear a certain type of clothing....... i am i human being. i was made by the creater of the universe. he made me unique, unlike any other person. i will not take that for granted... i will be thankful. i will take care of His creation the best i can, and i will let NO one tell me that i am anything less than precious because i know God thinks i am... if He didn't, His son would not have had to die on the cross.
time for the confession...
i'm obsessed. no not with coffee... but with finding a boyfriend. i'm not going to try and hide it and lie anymore. it's true. ever since i was little i can remember just crushing on so many boys and fantasizing (sp?) about getting married. it wasn't until the day before my 15th b'day that i had my first boyfriend. this boyfriend chose to call me fat. and ever since then, i've been searching for a boyfriend who truly treasured me. i went from boy to boy to boy (5 to be exact) searching for that one. boy #1 called me fat. boy #2 said i was immature and used me as a distraction from the girl he really liked. boy #3 lied to me and showed me off like a trophy. boy #4 was obsessed with my body and wanted nothing more than a physical relationship and used good lines to draw me in. and finally boy #5 talked me up into believing this was going to FINALLY be an amazing relationship, only to break up with me 2 days after we became boyfriend/girlfriend (he had good reasons for breaking up, and i'm not going to hold any of this against him... but i can't say that it didn't really hurt me). so here i am, single, and wondering why on earth i'm so bound and determined to be with someone. after soccer tonight i went running (didn't run alot at soccer), i ran only a lil bit then just started walking and listening to music. i kept thinking about the guy i am crushing on. then, it just kinda hit me... i'm obsessed. once i like a guy, i can't get him out of my mind... not unless another boy grabs my attention....... *sigh* i'm pathetic. i'm stuck. i'm hopelessly chasing after something that i'm not sure i will find. what if the fulfillment and happiness i think i will find in a boyfriend, isn't really there? i found myself sitting in a shadow crying. "God why can't i do it? why can't i be content in you? why can't i find my fulfilment in you? i try Lord, but i some how always find myself back here... God i don't want to give up, but i'm at my whits end and i'm sick of fighting. i just want to find my joy in you" i wish we could still talk to God like adam and eve used to. i wish to sit and talk to him and hear his voice. i feel like when i God talks to me through other things, i'm only getting second best. i'm not gonna lie. i feel gipped. i'm like "Come on God! i know you're there! so why don't you just talk to me!? i mean seriously! why must you make things confusing by talking through others/things??"
*sigh* i know i will never fully understand God... and quite frankly, that is what makes him God. and i'm ok with that...
so if you read all of this, thank you. you're a good friend :) now i just ask that you pray for me.

missions?

so long story short, i feel like God has called me to missions.
i will post the whole story later, but for now, i just wanted to put a lil update saying that's where i think God is directing me in life. and speaking of which, life has been really interesting lately. i'm making new friends, getting bogged down with homework (and no, it's not the friends that are causing that... it's just there is constantly something going on at ciu and it's hard to keep up with everything and so on and so forth...), i'm looking into getting a job at Express, and i'm learning a lot about myself. life is a strange little bird... i'm glad i'm a Christian, i don't know who or where or what i'd be if it weren't for Christ :)
pray for me, i'm struggling. on the outside, i look fine, on the inside, i really just kind of hurt. :-/ i will be fine, i just need more of Christ and less of me.

my theme song :)

Doris Day
Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I grew up, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

so i was having an ok day. it started out amazing! i finally found a good church, and it looks like i'll be able to start singing in their worship band (not holding my breath, but it looked hopeful!) then i got to go have lunch with Bobby and that was a lot of fun. glad i got to get to know him better! then well, things started going down hill... i had a dizzy spell, fell asleep, went to dinner and just nothing was good at all... i've had cereal almost all day. then some other things happened and working out just didn't cut it for once and listening to music wasn't good either, so i resorted to driving and prayingly screaming. that helped... for the most part. i think the hardest thing for me as a Christian is not being able to have one on one conversations with the God i love so dearly. i prayed so hard tonight... i haven't prayed like that in a long time... in tears i just prayed that God would talk to me and help me... i'm at my whits end (sp!?) and i'm at a loss of words... i needed him more than ever. *le sigh* i came home, showered, ate more cereal, watched gilmore girls then talked to my AMAZING brother. i talked to him about my drama and he gave me some of the best advice i've ever had... and you know... i really think God spoke through him tonight. i feel like a weight was just lifted off my shoulders! then the last gilmore girl episode i watched had that song in it by doris day (see above), and it just fit. :) i'm happy. it is time for bed. oh! speaking of! i get the room to myself tonight... maggie ditched me for OTHER friends... pff...friends... :)
~so i tell you, do not worry, you are worth far more than many sparrows~
*thank you God. again i'm left baffled by your faithfulness. you have helped me yet again and i can't thank you enough. Lord thank you for answering my prayers. thank you for talking to me... for proving me wrong. God you do talk to us, just not always in the ways we want you to. but that's what makes you, you God. you are unique beyond comprehension. you know just what to do, and when to do it. thank you again God... thank you......*

i think...

i figured out why it was weird for me to go home this weekend... it doesn't feel like home anymore! as sad as that sounds, it's true. CIU has become my home, and i love it here. so not only that, but i feel like already i've changed. not in a bad way, but just in general. i'm really starting to form my own opinions on things and become my own person.
ok those were just some thoughts i thought i'd throw out there... i'm going to get back to homework....mleh.......

thoughts on things during my weekend home

coming home has been weird. it's been AMAZING! but weird... it's like this isn't home anymore for me. CIU is. i miss it... i'm homesick for ciu. is that bad? i miss all my friends and just everything about being there. i don't feel like belong here anymore. i really don't even know how to explain this feeling. i just wish i could... i'm glad i serve a God who can fully understand me even when i can't. it's an amazing thing! so when i don't even know who to talk to or how to talk about it... He knows.
so this is a complicated subject, but none-the-less, i'm going to bring it up. i noticed something tonight... girls long for boys to tell them that they like them ("do you like me? check yes or no")... yet when a girl is in a situation where she either doesn't like him or she likes someone else or really just isn't ready for a relationship, she has to tell him that and it feels like she's breaking up with him! how lame is that!? i mean there's really no way around it... at least none that i can see at this moment... though i'm way too tired to even try and think of some. why can't we all just freaking be friends? *sigh* ok i lied... i like being liked. and even more fun is knowing that i'm liked by the guy i like. i just don't understand why things have to get so freakin complicated and messy after the fact of infatuation has been communicated and put out there.

on a final note, Paramore fweakin rocks!

it's been a loooong time

wow so long time no blog... life has been amazing. CIU ROCKS my face off! classes are amazing... i'm totally stoked about them all. my friends here rock and my room mate... wow... she's amazing. we get along soooo well. i can talk to her about anything and everything. she's very willing to listen and just be there for me. we went today to the mall and ate lunch and i talked her into getting her ears peirced. ACTUALLY i didn't talk her into it, it was more of her really wanting to do it and just hasn't had the chance :) so that was fun...
i'm really ready for cold weather. this whole hot weather/humidity deal is killing me. i wish it would go away...mleh...
i've got a photography bug and i SERIOUSLY need to get out and go take pictures. i know there are some good places around here, i just don't really know the area. good thing i've got plenty of friends here! haha...
i've grown so much already since i've been here. learned soooo much about myself/friends/family. i'm really excited about all that i've learned. like i already feel like a better and stronger person. i mean of course i've got room to grow! i always will. but it's exciting to see how much i've grown so far.
ok that's all for now! love you all and miss you all so freaking much!
Love in Christ,
Kendall
P.S. here are 2 verses i've found that i'm in love with currently... the Matthew 10:31 is my new life verse. it's very similar to my old one but just more specific...
"So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:31
“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”- Psalm 143:10

amazing friends

so yesterday/last night was probably one of the crappiest days/nights i've had in a long time. no need to go into vast explinations on it all, cause it's really just not necessary. but yeah... today started to be pretty blegh too, then i went out with "the 4" (minus 1) and it was freakin awesome. they knew i had had some pretty bad baggage in my life, but they didn't know to what extent. tonight i pretty much opened up and told them most if not everything. i have never been so embarrassed and yet felt so ok with everything at the same time. it was like for once in my life, i really felt accepted. it was like i needed that to fully feel like i was "healed". you know? i was just scared... i felt like if anyone heard that stuff about me they'd immediately go "oh my goodness... she's such a ___" and yeah, that freakin sucks. but it was so healing to know that i could share that, and they didn't see me as any different. so today turned out to be pretty darn good. i've learned a lot about myself within these past couple months.... heck... i've learned more stuff than i can count over this whole year. i feel like i'm a new person. i def. don't feel like i am the same person i was back this time last year! it's amazing! i loooove who i am now.
*happy sigh* life is good. i'm content. i have FREAKING AWESOME friends.
yay
in Christ always and forever,
Kendall

where has the time gone?

so all day today i thought it was monday... it's tuesday. woops. anyways... tomorrow evening is filled with stuff, and so is thursday night, and friday night....then my fam and i leave for disney, come home for all of like 2 days, and leave again. dude... where has the time gone?! i'm glad i'm almost done with packin, otherwise i'd probably be peein my pants right about now. i'm so ready to go it hurts. i love it here, i love my family, my friends, my church... all of it... but i'm just ready to go. i was talking to my friend the other day and i was telling him that i was so excited of getting this kind of, fresh start... you know? no one there knows me. no one knows my past... nothing... i am a blank slate in a lot of ways. i can become whom ever i wish to be. yeah... life is... interesting. ok well, since i haven't been able to sleep real well lately, i'm going to go pack some more. i'm so anxious... i can't quit tensing up my shoulders...... why am i so anxious?!

goodbye

so i really dislike saying goodbye. today was my last sunday at my home church. it was really hard saying goodbye to some people. some of the goodbyes were awkward and some of them didn't seem adiquit (sp!?). it was like it was surreal ya know? my friend Sara C. and i decided that we feel like we're just going away on a long camp trip or something and that we'll be coming home soon. but no... CIU will be my new home for the next 9+ months of my life. i'll make new friends who will be like my new family. i'll have to share a room and learn to keep things clean. hahaha... it's going to be amazing. i can't wait to go... i really can't. though i was informed that i will be able to go to my college bible study this friday night, so that will be greeeaaat! i'm glad i can. good chance to say one last g'bye. there's a huge part of me that just wants to break down and cry. but i don't think i will really cry until i have to wave g'bye to my parents as the leave me at ciu. wow... that's going to be... i don't want to think about it, it makes me want to cry. anyways.... church was amazing... most just the worship. i've noticed lately how much of a passion i have for worship music... but yeah i REALLY like this song, i like broke down when we sang it today. it's my cry to God, my plea, my want, my heart... lately i've just felt lost. kind of feeling like "God why am i going to ciu again?! oh right, cause you want me there... wait... why though?!" i should never question Christ. it's just i so desire to know what he wants for my life. and the whole leaving my comfort zone is scary and just everything that is related to my leaving...... so this is currently my anthem...

hungry I come to You
for I know You satisfy
I am empty
but I know Your love does not run dry
so I wait for You
so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You 
for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life 
so I'll wait for You
so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

hungry I come to you,
for I know You satisfy

hmmmm........

things i want to do when i get to CIU:
1. meet new people
2. get in shape
3. learn a lot and make good grades
4. find an awesome church
5. talk my parents into letting me get my nose peirced ;)
6. grow closer to Christ
7. find out what God has called me to do

yeah... i think that's a good list of things to do... and notice i didn't put "get married" or "find a boyfriend" hahaha.... that's not important right now. i will be more than happy if i meet an awesome guy and start dating or whatever... but i need to just focus on Christ and myself (i know sounds conceded... but i think a part of me has always focused on others and for once i want to just put my complete focus on Christ and figuring out who i am and what makes me happy and what defines me as a person).
the frey rocks
so does BEP
and journaling
g'night... time for bed, i've got a busy day tomorrow
in Christ forever and always
- Kendall

new camera!

so since my old camera got stolen along with my car... at least i think it was. i haven't been able to find it since then, so my only likely conclusion to come to would be that it got stolen... my rich uncle and aunt gave me a new really nice one!! w00t! how amazingly nice was that?! so tonight when rachel and i were hanging out i got to snag a few pics. i haven't gotten a memory card for it yet, so i couldn't take a lot, but here are a few (see above)
aaaah...it felt sooo good to take pictures again. i missed it. it's my happy pill. :)
i can't believe this sunday is my last sunday here at CSF for a loooong time. i'm promising myself, that for the first month, i will not come home unless i HAVE to. i need to do this on my own. find a good church, meet people, get used to all my surroundings... all that good stuff. but i know i'm going to get homesick. bye bye comfort zone... hello scary SC!

today which is really now tomorrow

Today I got to sleep in until 1:30 and dang that was amazing hahaha... I basically did NOTHING of any significant value to my life in any way. But wow... I needed that. Anyways... I realized today that I want to travel BADLY. I want to see the world, go everywhere I can. I’m not scared of the unknown or of how I will be living in it. Like I said to my friend the other night, I don't care if I have to stay in hostels or even in my car... one day I’m just going to go and see the world. I watched a couple chick flicks tonight and this quote kind of sums things up... "Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live for ever, you just have to live." - Tuck, from Tuck Everlasting. That’s just it... I do not fear death, at all. I know where I’m going... I really just fear the unlived life. God has made a magnificent place and I wish so much to explore it. I feel as if for my whole life, I’ve lived in well... a bubble... but I don't think I’ve really had a choice. My family was never rich, so it's not like we could have afforded to travel. And I could not have gone anywhere until now because of my age. I’ve really only been up and down the east coast, and to Brasil. I wish to go further, see more, take pictures... but what about God's will? What does God wish for me to do? I know one day he will show me, but I am impatient. But as far as I’m concerned, as long as I live in his perfect will, I will be content. Something else I realized that has to do with God's will... I don't know if I can ever really date someone again until I figure out God's will for me (my will for my life would be to marry a ferociously good looking, wealthy, and completely sold out Christian man who I can spend the rest of my days traveling with, taking pictures and witnessing all along the way... ah yes... but that is MY will). Because I KNOW God wants me in the ministry, but where, when, and to what extent... I have no idea. And I can't really be with someone unless he can fit in that "will" for my life... can I? But I think, really, I’m ok with it. I only want the best, but who wouldn't? So for now, I stay single and pray... pray for God's comfort, his strength, his guidance, his will... and one day, it will all truly work out for the best and I’ll have never been happier... so to quote a great tale "Until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these 2 words 'wait and hope.'" - the count of Monte Cristo

G'night

update on grease lightning (i have named my car that)

so we went and saw my poor lil car today... here's a list of the damage: scratches, locks broken, glove compartment broken, all but 1 tire popped, antena killed.
list of stolen items: around 200+ $$ in clothes/shoes, my bible and journal (losing my journal was what made me the most angry), one of my fish scale earrings from brasil... only one is missing, my purse, 200 in cash/checks... and i don't even know what else... frisbees, soccer ball... hey at least my car is clean now... ok that isn't so funny to me right now...

what i got: key to his house *MWAHAHAHA*....................... jk....... but i really think he left the key to his house (or some house... who's... i dunno) on the key chain that had the rigged honda key on it. i want to keep it if the authorities will let me. i'm going to make a necklace out of them and keep them to remember to pray for those people. but yeah, i also got a REALLY nice radio, 2 different kinds of cigarettes, lotion and candy :) thank you dumb 16 year old theif :) they caught him by the way, and he confessed to everything and said he was in a gang and stuff... lame...
i really feel bad for him though. i wish i could just go and tell him that it's ok, i forgive him... but it's not me or the cops that he has to answer to, it's someone FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR more powerful... God. and God will forgive him to, if he asks. but i fear i'll never have the opportunity. maybe he will read my journal and bible... he will read of how i wrote about how i realized the reality of hell... who knows. God is faithful and powerful and amazing. just read the first chapter of Luke and you'll see that... He not only makes a barren woman pregnant, but a virgin pregnant too! talk about making the impossible possible!!!
well, with all that said... i'm going to bed. i have a lot of cleaning/packing to do tomorrow.......dude...........i start packing tomorrow...........that's weird.

theif cooties

they just found my car... oh my poor lil car... they got into a chase with the dumb guys and it has 2 flat tires now. other than that, i don't know the damage... MY CAAAR!!! uuuugh! it's got icky poopy theif cooties in it now! AAGH! i'm going to have to like torch the inside!
*sigh* well... at least i got it back right?
right... we'll see tomorrow morning...

crap

my car was stollen today... don't know much more to say than that. nothing was in there of real high importance other than ___ of cash from my b'day and my journal. oh well... i'm alright and that's all that matters cause material objects can be replaced, lives/health really can't.

awesome awesome song

There must be more than this
O breath of God, come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us
-Tim Hughes, Consuming Fire

when we sang that song tonight during worship i about completely broke down. i'm not sure why it hit me so strong, but it did... it was a joyful cry though :)

cursed fig tree

i'm curious... what was the significance of Jesus cursing the fig tree in the book of Mark (11:12-14)?
12The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
what was the significance? why would God curse a tree for doing what it was made to do? why would God be angry at it for not being in season? didn't he create it this way? or is it sin that makes it bloom every so often and not constantly?
later on it says:
20In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"
22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
so was the significance for God to show us that if we have true faith anything can happen!? but why would this prove it could happen? i mean didn't they already know he was God? so wouldn't they just assume it's because he was perfect? hmmm... i'm very curious... God does everything for a reason, i don't doubt that. i guess that's an example oh faith i wouldn't think God would use... or something...
ok that's all for now, time for homework

never

so my mom said to me today that someone came to her and asked what happened to me... they said i changed... and not for the better. they said i was becoming like the stereo typical girl. how did this happen?! am i seriously becoming that! UGH! i seriously want to puke when i think about that! i don't know how i have become this way... but... maybe i have.
mark my words... from this day forth, i am a new person.

ADD

so i'm sitting in the library at school and i can not concentrate. i've got so much on my mind and i want to talk to someone about it but no one is online... so i'm excited about school and i went and got a few things for my dorm today and i'm really ready to just be there...weeeee!!! and hot weather is annoying and it's always about this time that i'm just ready for the cooler weather to make it's way here. my birthday was great, i was surprised at the number of people who remembered it... that made me very happy! i went to the Angels and Airwaves/Taking Back Sunday concert yesterday and dang i was dissapointed! i always lose a butt load...er...boat load of respect for a band when they can't play live. but i baught a Taking Back Sunday shirt anyways, and they're still amazing on cd :) the crowd was rediculous... it was like we were playing a game where we had to see how many people we could possibley cram into a single space at one time and then complain at eachother. it was absolutely disgusting... then we (lauren, ryan, and i) escaped to the back where it was a WHOLE lot better. but yeah... so my mind is just running like a mile a minute and i can't sit here a minute longer working on this rediculous homework assignment. i'll come back tomorrow and work more... and maybe then i can sit and focus and not get distracted. i want to go home, but if i go home, i will not have anything to do... ah! i know what i'll do! i'll go to the mall and buy some stuff i've been meanin to get anyways! weee! and away i go :)

running out of time

july 19th: summer classes end
August 6-12: disney with family
august 16 -20: move in and welcome week begins at CIU
august 22: school starts

i'll have appoximately 2 weeks between school ends and i leave for disney to pack/organize my room... and those few days i have between returning home and leaving i'll probably use for washing and packing up the last of my clothes i took with me to disney.
GOOD GOOGAMOOGA!!! this is going to fly by... wow...
and i don't believe i've baught everything for college yet... oh my... i'm going to die.

Happy Birthday to Me :)

so today my family took me out early for my birthday cause my friend caroline is kidnapping me tomorrow and we're going to hang out at her house and then have my family and her family hang out for dinner. it will be really nice :) so tonight my family took me to see pirates of the caribean! EEEEP!!!! it was freakin AAAWWWWEEEESSSOOOMMMEE!!! i want to be a pirate :-D then they took me out to eat shrimp at Joe's Crab Shack. mmmm... i love shrimp. then the waitress proceeded to embarrass me by making me stand on the table while everyone sang happy birthday to me hahahaha... i'll post pictures as soon as i get them off my mom's camera. but in return i got a huge slice of chocolate cake...mmmmm...chocolate......... it was a good night. i had a lot of fun... we all sat and laughed and i took silly pictures of myself cause i find it to be highly amusing. it was a gorgious night... i wish everyday of the year was like today.
so i'm no longer a "child." it's really kind of sad! i didn't really think about all this. i'm technically an adult... i have to sign things and go to court if i get in trouble and go to real peoples jail and i can buy cigarettes and i can vote... and the weirdest part... i can do basically whatever i want and my parents can't stop me... not like there's anything i'd want to do that they won't let me, but it's like i can legally rebel against my parents and they couldn't stop me! hahaha... man... i remember writing so many journal entries thinking "if i was only 18..." but it's like, now that i am... it's not all that stupendous. it's just another year... i mean i do feel older, i just don't see what the big deal is and i can't remember what i wanted so badly then that i would need to be 18 for. i'm in a very contemplative mood at the moment... i think i'll go to bed now...

"Your Christians are so unlike your Christ"

myspace.com/jasonillian
go check it out his 2 blog postings called "resignation" he's a very intelligent man and i highly agree with everything he wrote in them. in one of the 2 he quotes Gandhi " "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." that's a sad but true statement.
today was... good... i suppose. i only had a couple highlights of the day... getting a chance to have a very cool conversation with Kyle (well i thought it was at least), then going out to eat with my mom and talking to this girl from taiwan who is an artist. i really enjoyed talking to her... she sparked that art bug back into me. i've GOT to find my camera now! i need to go take pictures!!!! she said her passion was painting faces, especially focusing on the eyes... i was sold there! i have a thing for eyes. it's the first thing i notice about anyone and probably one of the biggest turn ons for me in a guy. someones eyes can tell you so much... like the girl said, they really can be the door to the soul.
so it's 3am... i suppose i should go to bed now...

a poem, i wrote... don't make fun

summers night
windows down
and all is right as i cruise through town
watching the firworks
and it sets me free
i think of you, i think of me
and how it's not meant to be
i faught and wrestled
but this war wasn't meant to last
i've denied all i know
and all that i am
who is this girl staring back at me
through my rearview mirror
i feel anxiety rush through my veins
but all the while, i feel no pain
you kept me calm and set me free
just like those birds that i always see

no really

i really, truly, and absolutely do not want to do homework right now. though it's uncommon that i would actually WANT to do it, it's just that i'd much rather be out taking pictures. it's a beautiful night, and i just want to go for a walk.

interesting

today i relearned some greek myth (i took a whole class on it back in like the 9th grade...). There is a greek god named Chronos who likes to eat his own young... ironically enough his name means "time." hmmm... interestingly enough "time" like to eat away at us. isn't it true how we always say "i never have enoug time for ___" or " i wish i had enough time to do ____." i just saw the connection between how "time" aka Chronos ate his young kind of like how time can eat away at us. but those are just some thoughts on things.
i'm going to go work out this pent up frustration out on the gym.
continue to pray for me cause i'm still struggling with some things... hence the whole need to go work out.

do the choo choo

i talked to my mom last night about everything going on. i realized through our conversation it wasn't just the whole break up with kyle that had me so bent out of shape... it was a lot of little things on top of the break up. they are things i won't go into on here, but i think for the most part i felt an extreme pressure from school and having to break up with kyle just kind of made everything blow up in my face. so through the conversation, i ended up feeling a heck of a lot better AAANDDDD i found out out one awesome thing. i thought in order to go to CIU this fall, i had to pass these 2 history courses i am taking. well i don't!!! they were the ones that were killing me. so my mom let me withdrawal from them and just focus on my computer course and english. it kind of stinks though... i was just getting to know three kids in my history class. but pfff... i'm so over that class! haha... so i'm feeling better today. i admit i still miss kyle, but time will fix everything. ok well, back to work i go!

updating

so things are still... hard i guess. i know i'm making the right decisions now, but i'm still hurting. why do some of the best decisions hurt so much? i just keep praying... asking God to take it all away.
anyways... enough on that... school sucks right now, but i only have 22 days left! YAY! and it's 10 days until my birthday! w00t! so i'm really just ready for our family vacation... for school to be over, for more time to do things like workout and clean and take pictures and have a social life. i don't know what to do... i'm sick of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself, but i don't know what to do...
GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

prayer request

hey, so i have a prayer request... i don't think it'd be wise to go into specifics on here, but just basically, i'm really struggling with some things going on my life. it's just following God's will. i know He's asked some really hard things of me lately and though i've agreed to follow him... i find myself hurting a lot over this decision. i know in the long run i'll probably be ok... but why must it hurt so much?
*God give me strength, give me wisdom, help me to trust in you. help me to find these things IN YOU. God i need you. help me father... help me...*

bored

The Best Myspace Survey
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::	Dark Brown
Hair Color::	naturally, dark brown, currently, brown with a few highlights
Height::	5'4"
Favorite Color::	it's a tie between red and green
Screen Name::	that's nunya business
Favorite Band::	MUTE MATH!
Favorite Movie::	again, a tie between the princess bride and the notebook
Favorite Show::	Gilmore Girls
Your Car::	91 Honda Accord
Your Hometown::	Charlotte NC
Your Present Town::	Charlotte, NC
Your Crushes First Name::	_____
Your Grade::	freshmen in college
Your Style::	i don't have one, i kinda made up my own
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	i wish
Kissed someone in the rain?:	no :(
Danced in a public place?:	always!
Smiled for no reason?:	yes :-D
Laughed so hard you cried?:	hahaha that's the best laugh
Peed your pants after age 8?:	hahah no
Written a song?:	not really
Sang to someone for no reason?:	haha yes i think so
Performed on a stage?:	yes
Talked to someone you don't know?:	yup
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	yes
Made out in a theatre?:	hiudfghdmaybeghj;duhjfgu;ih
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	rollerblading
Been in love?:	maybe...
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	i dunno...
Tell you, I love you?:	my mom
Kiss you?:	my mom last night when she kissed me g'night
Hug you?:	ryan :)
Tell you BYE?:	ryan haha
Write you a note?:	my mom
Take your photo?:	uuuh... my mom?
Call your cell phone?:	ryan
Buy you something?:	mom
Go with you to the movies?:	family
Sing to you?:	i don't think anyone has sang to me
Write a poem about you?:	wes :-D
Text message you?:	kyle
Touch you?:	in what way? spiritually, emotionally, physically?
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	just recently
Time you cried?:	not too long ago at all... today actually
Movie you watched?:	Harry Potter, Chamber of Secrets
Joke you told?:	i dunno
Song you've sang?:	real gone by sheryl crow
Time you've looked at the clock?:	just now :) haha... 10:55 pm
Drink you've had?:	diet coke
Number you've dialed?:	ryan
Book you've read?:	just some short stories from my english book
Food you've eaten?:	quesadillas from On The Border
Flavor of gum chewed?:	spearmint
Shoes you've worn?:	pumas
Store you've been in?:	walmart
Thing you've said?:	i can't remember
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	i'm not that cool
Whistle?:	uh huh
Blow a bubble?:	yup
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	uh huh
Cross your eyes?:	no, when i try my eyes twitch
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	no
Dance?:	yes, very well too
Gleek?:	haha... sometimes
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	uh huh
Speak a different language?:	only a few phrases in like spanish and portuguese and french
Impersonate someone?:	sometimes
Prank call people?:	i get too giggley haha
Make a card pyramid?:	yes
Cook anything?:	yes
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:	model, i'd be anorexic
I wish ...:	i didn't have school during the summer
So many people don't know that ...:	i can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tungue
I am ...:	imperfect
My heart is ...:	caring
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

early b'day present

my friend Wes wanted to give me an early b'day present because i've been having a somewhat blegh day... here it is... he wrote me a poem :)
You are now eighteen
It has been another year
I promised to stick behind you
And you know im still here
Your friendship to me
Means more than u know
I love you to death
And I always let it show
You have the looks of an angel
And a heart of gold
I hope you never change
Until you become old
You are now eighteen
Our friendship is strong
The world is your oyster
What could go wrong



yay :) it helped... Thank you Wes :)
but i'm still trying to get these feelings figured out. i just miss kyle. i'm not going to lie. that's what is bothering me. i've never hurt so much after any relationship. infact, i sometimes feel better! but for once, my heart feels broken. i need God

home again

so orientation for school was a blast and i met lots and lots of cool people. i learned a couple of new fun card games and a pool table game and i got to play a 5 on 5 game of soccer... guys and against girls and the girls def. won! w00t! the girls and i are planning on getting on the soccer team this fall :) one of which was my room mate! weeee!! she's awesome. i'm really excited about the school year. it's going to be a blast :-D
but currently i feel like $%^&! i've had a headache all day long, and i keep having dizzy spells and i'm just tired and yeah. oh and i missed a test for my world civ class duirofguhidg crap... and he won't let me retake it. ugh... i'm so tired of everything! school, drama, cruddy feelings... i really just want to go to bed right now, but i have to get my clothes washed for in the morning.
*sigh*
ok i'm going to just go chill on the coach and watch tv and relax until my clothes finish washing. mleh... g'night

it's going to be ok

so i finally got the official chance to tell kyle i didn't want to be with him anymore... and it went so well. i mean like i'm crying because it went so well! hahah usually i'm crying because it hurt so much. but he took it like a real gentlemen. he just said i fully respect your wishes and now i think we can have a real chance to get to know eachother. :) he still wants to be my friend and we even ended the conversation laughing... i always knew i loved the kid... he's a cool guy. God is in control again... i'm done trying to figure out this whole guy stuff... i'm def. going to just chill and let God take control :) probably a lot easier that way.

insert profane word here

this day could officially not get much worse... yeah things didn't work out between kyle and i... i thought things were ok, but yeah i was wrong... we just disagree on too much. so i went with my sis to go shopping to get my mind off of it... things weren't fitting right, but i ended up getting things on sale that were cute... so ok yeah that helped... then i got home and all hell broke loose. first i found out i missed the Dave Matthews concert... i'm waaaaay ticked... but yeah... oh well. then i realized i not only have a paper i have to finish up, but i have about 3 hours worth of classes i missed that i have to watch in the library... they were on TV and i had missed them. then i saw that i bombed the first 2 tests i took (2 different classes), then i have to pack and just SDGJHIDFGJHDFOGHJDFIOGHDFIHJDFIOGHJ!!!!! all of this i have to do by 4pm tomorrow... ugh... i need to just go to bed. i'm so tired, my tummy hurts, my head hurts, and my knee hurts.
*God help me... i need you right now*

lucky rocketship underpants don't always help

so i've come to the conclusion that Kyle and i shouldn't be together. the more i got to know him, the more i saw that he wasn't right for me. i need him to be more of a spiritual leader in our relationship. i have told him that, but he doesn't understand, and i don't know how to tell him what it is. i wish i could change him, i wish i could make him into a completely sold out Christian. it's not that i doubt his faith, it's just that i don't see him seeking after Christ... and he's not encouraging me like i need him to. i'm losing focus and not spending time like i used to with christ... i miss that... i miss journaling and reading and all of that. i don't blame him for taking that away, because i know he didn't. i just allowed myself to focus on him, and not Christ. i have no hard feelings against Kyle and i have no regrets about the relationship we had. it just sucks, because i know that it will be hard to go back to being friends, if not impossible... so i essentially feel like i'm losing one of my best friends. maybe with time things will work out... maybe with time God will make him into the God fearing man i desire in my life.......... but for now..... i wait and hope. i will always love him, and i will always hope the best for him...... i just hope he doesn't hate me.

and i wish i could stop crying..........

a taugh tuesday

i hate reading... well not really... just i can't stand sitting and reading for hours on end, especially if it's something i don't enjoy reading. but yeah... i had to read a lot of history stuff. it's just SO much to remember.
i hate CPCC. they lie and mess up my transcript and tell me things to do that don't work. yeeeaaah... i'm about ready to punch them in the face, or as kyle says, break their knees :)
but really today wasn't too bad. just, lil things can be annoying. and i'm hungry, and sitting in class... i'm going to go get a snack now... KBYE!!

sick sunday

i've felt like dirt all day. well it's come and gone really... i basically have just felt tired and then for the last bit until i just got a shower i felt like i had been beaten up and/or ran over by a truck. but the shower helped. today has been really weird. i've had a lot on my mind. my mom and i talked a lot last night about this guy i like. i want to give him a chance, i hardly know him... yet i feel as if i've known him all my life. he's quickly become a great friend to me, and for all know this may be all that he is to me. we discussed "us" a little tonight and nothing has really changed between us. but i'm not satisfied yet. there is so much more i wish to know about him... for example...
what is his stand point on christianity and such?
does he believe the bible is 100% true (despite the fact that it can be really hard to understand)?
could he be a good spiritual leader to me?
i know i need to get the guts to ask him these things, but i'm scared of losing him. i can honestly say i've never met a guy like him. i've never laughed so much with one guy, felt so close, felt so free to talk to him... so free to be me. i don't want to lose him... but if he can't prove to me to be that kind of guy i know i need, then i guess... it wasn't meant to be.
i won't compromise again, but i sure as anything can't ask him to compromise either... i just really like him.

i will no longer deny my God, but i will deny myself for Him.

fumbling on a friday

have you ever tried to chase a sunset? it's fun, but not easy.

i keep having nightmares. almost every single night for a while now i've been having nightmares and i'm not sure why. i haven't watched anything that could cause it. i don't know...
but i hate school. yeah yeah i know... i go back and forth saying whether i like being in school or not. i'm just tired you know? i want a break. i think i'd be content just working and not doing school for the summer, but i don't really have that choice. i've had to end up missing 2ish days of work now because of school. not so sure what to do about that. the good news is that i'm just working for my mom, so i can do this if i need to. my parents are way paranoid i'm going to screw up again this semester. sometimes i really just wish i could live my life with out them telling me what to do. i realized last night that all my life i've grown up being told what to do, where to be, and what to believe and have never questioned it. i'm not saying i don't believe in God or anything like that... but i don't know... i just started thinking about the way i've been raised and i don't know how i feel about it all. like my curfew for example. why can't you let me just stay out. at CIU i'd be able to stay out (at least 'til 2am). i'm just a night person. i like staying out at night it's a lot of fun. but i'm just ranting and raving so i'm going to stop. my arms ache and i'm sick of nightmares and confused thoughts and wishing and wanting and just AGH. i need to get this crappy homework done and just go sit and read the bible. i know that will help me. it has and always will.

weeeeee!

Say goodnight and go
-Imogen Heap

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Why is it always, always

Goodnight and Go

Goodnight and Go!

sunday sunday sunday

i'm a loser... i get obsessed... i over analyze... i can't spell... i assume... i let things bother me too easily... i need Christ. tomorrow i have almost nothing to do, which brings me to a wonderful decision of spending a long time with Christ. i need him. i need his help. i've got to clear my head. i need his guidance. i need his comfort.
Christ makes me new.......

today was... good! lots of hangy outty time. i sang with our youth worship team for the last time tonight. i really enjoyed it tonight. i love when we just break it down to pure music. i love acoustic sets. i liked not having a mic, i liked not being on a stage... just felt like pure worship. it was a good way to end it all... but it was sorta sad. i mean, i'll sing again. just probably not for almost a year. i need a break. i've got to focus on school and make sure i actually pass these courses. so far i'm doing well... but i've really got to get some sleep
g'night all... much love
Kendall

the friday flop

i'm growing up... im getting older... i'm saying goodbye and taking on a new life. today was raugh. i had to work all day alone in a lonely warehouse putting matboard away. my hands are cut up and my arms are sore. i talked to my mom some the other day about my body size and she said a good weight for me is probably 120... i weigh 140. then tonight when i was with my friends they freaked out and said i'd look anerexic if i lost that much... so who do i believe? then tonight i think it all really set in the fact that these are going to be some of our last nights together (my friends and i... Sarah, Aaron and Matt). it's really sad. infact, on the way home i cried. i turned on the radio cause i was too lazy to get out my ipod and the song was on by Daniel Powter called "you had a bad day"... it just kinda fit. i love my friends so much, it was hard saying g'bye just for this lil bit of time. sarah will be gone for a month, aaron for almost 2 weeks, and mat for a week. and me... here... i'll be working my tail off in both work and school and all the while trying to lose weight?! today was just depressing. not a lot went right... dinner made me feel all bloaty and gross, humidity screwed my hair over, the dance party was a flop, my shoes hurt my feet, my arms ache..... my friends are leaving. the few friends who i felt really accept me and never judged me and saw me and loved me.....*sigh* well at least we got one more night together before school starts... not sure how many more of these we'll have. so that was nice, and we did have a good time... i think i just killed it for myself because i couldn't get my mind off of the inevitable future. i also got a new very spiffy digital camera today. i like it. i've got to mess with it some though and figure out the settings and such. tomorrow i have to wake up early to do homework. i wish i could wake up early and go take pictures, but alas... my life revolves around school...ugh.

weird wednesday

today was a lil... strange. it seemed like it was just a very long day. i mean i guess i did do a lot... but i guess that is what happens when you wake up early lol... a lot of things happened out of the ordinary today. things like driving a co-worker i hardly knew to the hospital (it's along story... she didn't get hurt, her daughter has strep and mono...), to witnessing to almost my whole intire history class, and being told by a lady who was meditating outside of caribou coffee that i had a very nice smile. oh and between the span of today and yesterday, i lost 3 lbs! weird. today was good... pretty darn productive. i wish i could have gotten more done, but there's this thing the greeks invented called time and it sucks.
i'm going to bed... i can't keep staying up so late, i will get sick.
in Christ always and forever,
Kendall
ps. that's 3 weird pictures, for a weird day :-p

curious george is my hero

aaaaw... look how cute... dontcha just wanna squeeze him?!
ok so anyways. i got this stupid lil mole removed from my forhead today. it's all ouchy now, but it was crazy weird when they were chopping it off... or well... shaving it as the doctor put it. that sorta grossed me out. anyways... i now have a lil piece of my DNA being shipped off to some lab to make sure it's not like... diseased or something. fun. but what really is fun is that i got lil brightly colored curious george band-aids for it so it's cute and covers up the scaryness. :)
so school is going well. so far the homework has just been time consuming and not so much hard. well the computer junk is hard because i'm so used to a mac that i don't know some of that junk. i'm going to take off from work after lunch and start homework early. i'd like to have it all done by the weekend. that'd be super. i think i'll go sit in the local coffee shop and study. i wanted to go to this grunge/hippie/indie/rock coffee shop down by CPCC. but my mom went with me today to get coffee and she was a lil disturbed by the "outlandish" types who came in. haha... to me they are normal. oh how the times have changed... so it looks like i may not be going there. i mean after all, she is my mom and does care a lot about me and if she doesn't feel safe with me going there then i really guess i should respect that. well... it's getting late, yet again... and i most def have work in the morn.
peace out my home slices,
Kendall

sand pipers?!

so i finally was able to watch the silly thing for school. the dude talked so fast. i must have rewound it about 15 times and paused it i don't know know how many times. after a lil while i gave up and just watched. it was more of a show than actual teaching... i wonder if CPCC realizes that? i really only have one question in regards to this class... why is it so easy to believe and accept this history, yet so hard to believe the history of Jesus Christ?

i need you guys to pray for me. i'm really getting self-concious. it's so retarded. i know it's wrong to not eat to lose weight, and it's wrong to throw up (not saying i do either one) after eating, but i can't tell you how many times i was tempted to skip a meal today. it was actually really scary. i have never been that tempted before. but this is how it's always been. whenever a new semester starts, some kind of drama starts. it's just life. i can't seem to ever fully focus on school. i mean i gave up band and other things so i could focus on school this summer! *sigh* i will not let myself be distracted. i will not sink so low as to let the world's approval be my joy. i know that it is only in Christ Jesus that i am happy and fulfilled. i know that only in Him that i see ME, not the physical me. He makes me come alive. i want Him to make me alive...

my camera is officially dead. so begins the saving of moola for a pretty little camera. my mommy is going to let me use her nice camera for my photography class this fall. it's old fashioned. an actual real film and manual setting camera. i'm excited. i've played with it some before, but it will be great fun to actually get to play with it for a long time!

i got the new Jack Johnson CD... it's amazing. it makes me smile cause it makes me think of the beach... WHICH REMINDS ME! today as i was walking into cpcc for classes i saw 2 little Sand Pipers!! those lil birds are only supposed to be at the beach! and the best part is, besides the fact that they were right in front me, is that they are one of my favorite birds :) i love going to the beach and watching them run along the beach. it's so cute. so there they were, just chillin, and chirping, and there i stood smiling. *thanks God*

my friends and i are planning a road trip. we want to leave at 3ish in the morning or earlier and drive to the beach to watch the sunrise, then stay and watch the sunset then drive home... talk about an amazing and exausting day! we want to do it friday... but uh... yeah looks like one of us won't be able to go, and we refuse to go without all 4 of us.

well... that was a fun recap. now it's late, and i have to wake up early for work (730ish). oh yeah, tomorrow i am going to the doctor to get a stupid mole removed from my forehead. it's been there since i was very little. it used to be sort of a self-concious thing, but now i don't even notice it. but lately i've been hitting it and i'm freakin paraniod i'm going to like scratch it off my head. that'd be sick. so i leave you, my friends, with that amazing visual :)
g'night!
Kendall

first day of havin my life back

this is how i feel right now... this picture is very fitting... my parents keep disturbing my study session... UGH!


so i never thought i'd say it, but im glad school is back in session. i missed having stuff to do. so far, i really have no idea how stressful this all will be. but i'm going to focus. i'm even getting ready to watch the stupid telecourse on tv for my history class. my mom had to tape it for me cause i have a night class. but it's still on right now, and i have to wait for it to finish before i can watch it all. i'm watching it as i type... it's american history, about christopher columbus (he didn't really discover America, the vikings did... and even when he actually came to america, it wasn't him who first spotted it, it was one of his crew men. he just likes to say he discovered it). anyways... the show just finished so i'm going to watch it now and attempt to take notes. he talks rather fast. if i'm not too tired after this, then i'm going to post again.
much love :)
Kendall

my life

so my life ends tomorrow. i start work and school. i'll be working part time for my mommy and taking 4 classes. i guess it isn't too bad. i don't like having a ton of free time. it was nice to have this time off, but i'm glad to have stuff to do now. i will really miss my chill time at the park though. once i discovered how great that was i did that for hours at a time during the day. so tomorrow i go into to work after lunch which means i'm going to wake up early tomorrow to work out. then i have class monday and wednesday nights. blegh. i wish they had all been online. i just wanted that flexability. i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to go work out, do school, and spend time in the word tomorrow. maybe while i work out i can read my bible? *sigh* i wish i didn't have so much to do. hahaha... just a sec. ago i was saying i wanted more to do! haha...

OH MY GOSH!!!! my mom just told me it's against the rules to dance at CIU!!!!! i'm going to die............. this is horrible! i love dancing! ;dziufgh;siohgs;iuoghr oh well, just one thing. i'll be ok. haha... i can handle it. *takes a deep breath....* it will be ok... i can live without dancing for just a lil bit............

ok i'm done. now i'm trying to decide if i should get a shower tonight, or tomorrow... i don't think i have time for workin out tomorrow, so maybe i'll shower tonight and get up early and get things done.

ding! light bulb just came on

so i finally figured out, or at least i think i did, what God has been trying to tell me. in my other blog i said that i felt like God was trying to tell me something, but i couldn't figure out what... here's what my blog said. "so God has been showing/telling me the same message over and over. really, about 5ish times he has presented this message to me. the message has been about how God doesn't just want to "patch up" the bad spots in our hearts. he wants to tear us down so that he can make us brand new and better than we were. if we don't let him tear us down and make us new, then we will still have those old ways in us and have sin in our heart... we have to let him make us the way he desires to make us. but we really have to let him. anyways... God has been showing me this message over and over, and i don't know why. maybe God's preparing me for something. maybe he's trying to tell me that he is going to tear me down? but i don't know for sure why he has been telling me this, over and over. but i do know that it is a gorgious day out, and time is flying, and i'm excited about those 2 facts. i'm so ready to go off to CIU that it hurts. yesterday i literally got so impatient that i had to just get away. i went and got some coffee and sat in the park and watched people and ducks and attempted to read my bible. i prayed and prayed... God is giving me patience. i just have to let Him help me. but like i said, it's amazing outside and i want to do my usual summer thing... iced coffee, bible, journal, park :)"
i think God was trying to tell me that what has happened in my recent past was something that needed to happen. sometimes God really does have to break you through very ouchy ways before He can make you who He wants you to be. i mean i highly doubt that God wanted me to go through all that i did, and wanted me to make those decisions... but sometimes, since we are human, God has to let things happen the way they do before He can truly make us into the person we need to be.
*God... i'm sorry for who i am... for who i was. i'm sorry that You had to break me... i'm sorry that it had to be done that way. i know it could have been done in another way, but i was stubborn and blind. i love you Lord... i'm sorry..... thank you.......*

today

so tonight was my last official time in my highschool bible study. i led tonight. i decided to teach on ephesians 4. i like that chapter... well... i really like all of ephesians. anyways... i think i have decided that i'm going to take a break from singing with the highschool worship band at my church. i have a full load at school this summer, plus i'm going to start working full time for my mom, and i don't know if in between all of that if i'll have a lot of free time and i'd muchly like to have SOME free time. from what i can tell now, it doesn't look like it's going to take a ton of my time up, but i'd just like to have the flexability. also, i can't tell you how long i've just wanted to be out of highschool stuff. i mean i essentially have been because i am a grade ahead, but yeah, stuff happened and i stayed back with highschool stuff. i mean it was sort of my decision to not go ahead and moce up, but i didn't think i was going to struggle so much with it. so i think that right now is a good time for me to let go of it all. move up officially and be the college dudette i want to be.
so i never thought i'd say this when this past semester ended, but i honestly think i'm ready for school to start again. i don't like not having anything to do. i mean, yeah it's nice to sleep in until 12 (which is what i've been doing this whole time), and to just kind of do whatever i want. but going to the mall gets old real fast, and since my camera is broken i can't exactly go explore taking pictures... starting this monday though i'll have plenty to do. ok, i'm done... no more to really write about.

i love photography

ps.

the keytar is the ___ !
(for you lauren) ;)
this is my myspace for anyone who cares to know :)
http://www.myspace.com/specail_k

ugh i'm such a comformist

ok so i have a blog on my myspace, but myspace has begun to get slightly over-rated and i decided to get a blog for when i kick my myspace to the curb.

my dad challenged me over the summer to try and read all/most of the New Testement. i'm about to finish Matthew. i have, 3 chapters left? yeah, something like that. i am amazed at all that Christ did. at how many people He healed, at how He knew just what to say and when to say it, for the love He showed, for the grace, for the wise words, for the sacrifice, for how humble He is despite the fact that all along He knew He was God and did not deserve to be treated the way He was. so many doubted Him. so many tried to hurt Him. so many lacked faith... even though we need to so little. the more i read His word, the more i enjoy it. i find myself not wanting to stop. i feel refreshed when i read. i could be having a crappy day and go and read it, and feel so much better. He makes me new... He forgives me... He loves me... He desires to spend time with me, He comforst me.......... He fulfills me....... He satisfies me..... i need nothing more than Him.

i am going crazy. my camera decided to die the other day and i'm about to have a melt down. i saw the most gorgious sunset tonight and i could do nothing. i had a disposable one with me i need to get developed, but it had a couple of pictures left on it, so i wanted to try and use them before i got it developed. i attempted to take pictures of the sunset with that, but i highly doubt they will come out. but all this has inspired me to go back through some of my photos and i found one i really like... it was the pic of the frog above. so there you go, a frog for my new blog :)
time for bed.