something happens to me when the seasons start changing. i get this rush of energy every time i step outside. it's like all is being washed away of the heavy heat and making way for something new and exciting. i love the cold. i love snow. i love the way the cold smells. i love how leaves turn colors and fall and dance across the streets as your drive by. i love just sitting outside and thinking... what i'd give to have this kind of weather year 'round.
i got semi-freaked out today... just thinking about life. it's wild looking back thinking where i've come from. i found out the other day that i've got only 15 more credit hours left at school until i get my associates. i then realized, once i'm done, i HAVE to get a full time job! what am i going to do about insurance? oh gosh. i wasn't really quite as ready as i thought... then, i remembered just how faithful God has always been to help me through these life changing things. i'm confident that God will lead me as i grow up and move on. i guess i now need to budget in my insurance... dagnabit.
well now that i can't feel my toes cause i've been icing my ankle i think i'll go to bed... *sigh* my ankle still hurts... been hurting since....... labor day? dang... almost a month. i REALLY don't want to go to the doctor. but i'm scared it's something serious and if i don't get it fixed it could lead to more problems.
so i need to learn to not be fake nice. i need to stand up and stop letting that guy in my class push me around and treat me this way... i just really hate confrontation and i wish i had done something sooner cause now it's a big deal. oh well... i guess we'll call this a lesson learned.
title by Sting & the Police
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
now that you know, i'll ask you to stay away
i got back in touch with David finally today to touch bases about me leading high school. we're going to talk more next Tuesday about it all, but for now it was basically established that this is serious. that this isn't just something to jump in and then jump back out of. that if I'm going to do this, i need to do it and not be wishy washy about it. it scared me. i knew all this, but hearing it come right from him brought back all those fears of just not being good enough. I've already seen the hearts of some of those kids, i realize the task at hand, and i can't do it alone. i just felt overwhelmed today... knowing the sin these kids have in their lives and then having a heavy conversation with David was just a lot to have on my brain. sometimes the reality of sin in this world is just too much to bear. it breaks my heart knowing that so many are lost and so few really get it. i just hope that people see this in me and i don't come across fake.
speaking of fake... i really need to do a heart check and make sure that not only God wants me to take on this position at church but that I'm also doing it for the right reasons. i realize that there is a lot of potential that once i do this I'll be able to move out, which has a lot of perks to it. but that also it will prepare me for later on in my ministry life. i just want to make sure I'm not taking on this commitment because of lame immature selfish reasons.
i was talking with some of the girls from church tonight about the whole moving out thing and one of them said that my relationship with my parents will get better once I'm out of the house. it makes sense... but i don't want to believe it. if it's not good now, what would make me think running away from the problem will make it go away. i just can't confront my parents about anything. they get defensive and don't want to hear it. so I'm stuck. my sister thinks i just need to accept that that is just who they are... but if these things they are doing are unhealthy, why would i not try to help them? i know they'd do the same for me. but i get shot down every time i try. i guess i can't give up, and until something changes, whether that be them or me moving out, i just need to swallow my pride and get over it. but honestly, why can't i let it bother me? am i supposed to just sit here and be numb? get pushed around and shrug my feelings off? i don't know. i don't want to think I'm perfect and right... but this is ridiculous. I'm tired of my siblings and i having to hide parts of our lives from them... I'm tired of the relationship i have with them. i want it to grow... but something isn't right.
I'm thankful for Steph. I'm glad it worked out that her and i were able to get together tonight and talk life. if her and i really are able to move out together it's going to be amazing. she just helps me process and think through things. i appreciate her honesty and sincerity. one day I'll share with her my secrets... but for now, I'll keep getting to know her. i wanted so bad to talk to her about something tonight... i really need that accountability... really badly... but I'm scared she'll freak. no ones perfect, but sometimes we don't want to hear about it.
I'm already ready for this semester to be over. correction. I'm ready for CPCC to be over. i hate it... it's dumb and pointless and makes me want to say bad words.
wait... i just text Steph asking her to keep me accountable... i can't just keep living with this sin. i can't keep living with this log in my eye as i tell others to get the speck out of theirs. yaaaay hypocrisy.
title by Elsaine - Prozaic
speaking of fake... i really need to do a heart check and make sure that not only God wants me to take on this position at church but that I'm also doing it for the right reasons. i realize that there is a lot of potential that once i do this I'll be able to move out, which has a lot of perks to it. but that also it will prepare me for later on in my ministry life. i just want to make sure I'm not taking on this commitment because of lame immature selfish reasons.
i was talking with some of the girls from church tonight about the whole moving out thing and one of them said that my relationship with my parents will get better once I'm out of the house. it makes sense... but i don't want to believe it. if it's not good now, what would make me think running away from the problem will make it go away. i just can't confront my parents about anything. they get defensive and don't want to hear it. so I'm stuck. my sister thinks i just need to accept that that is just who they are... but if these things they are doing are unhealthy, why would i not try to help them? i know they'd do the same for me. but i get shot down every time i try. i guess i can't give up, and until something changes, whether that be them or me moving out, i just need to swallow my pride and get over it. but honestly, why can't i let it bother me? am i supposed to just sit here and be numb? get pushed around and shrug my feelings off? i don't know. i don't want to think I'm perfect and right... but this is ridiculous. I'm tired of my siblings and i having to hide parts of our lives from them... I'm tired of the relationship i have with them. i want it to grow... but something isn't right.
I'm thankful for Steph. I'm glad it worked out that her and i were able to get together tonight and talk life. if her and i really are able to move out together it's going to be amazing. she just helps me process and think through things. i appreciate her honesty and sincerity. one day I'll share with her my secrets... but for now, I'll keep getting to know her. i wanted so bad to talk to her about something tonight... i really need that accountability... really badly... but I'm scared she'll freak. no ones perfect, but sometimes we don't want to hear about it.
I'm already ready for this semester to be over. correction. I'm ready for CPCC to be over. i hate it... it's dumb and pointless and makes me want to say bad words.
wait... i just text Steph asking her to keep me accountable... i can't just keep living with this sin. i can't keep living with this log in my eye as i tell others to get the speck out of theirs. yaaaay hypocrisy.
title by Elsaine - Prozaic
Wait...what?
God, if You are love, how can you tell us not to love another person
just because that person is the same sex as us... Why is it wrong? Why
is this the one exception to the rule.
just because that person is the same sex as us... Why is it wrong? Why
is this the one exception to the rule.
God I know the answers... But they don't make sense.
So then, what are we to do? God I've yet to be in a situation like
this until now, and even though I know all the right answers, I still
have a hard time understanding. Will You help me Lord? Please speak
through me and give me courage when I'm scared. Boldness to speak
truth, gentleness so as not to break hearts but reach tender ears.
God, my heart breaks for them. Forgive them Father, they do not
understand.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
wonder-dummied
i often think how nice it would be if i could just some how spew my thoughts onto this screen without spending close to an hour typing.
a LOT has been running through my head lately. especially because i have to ask the hard questions.
1. my pastor at church asked me to consider taking on a position leading the high school ministry at church. I'd basically be the go to person for it and I'd be teaching on Sunday nights. freakin AMAZING. I'm super excited about it, but the reality of it is sinking in and it's terrifying. really it just comes down to me being fearful I'll some how misinterpret scripture and some how lead these kids astray. but i honestly feel that at this moment in time because i live on the opposite side of the city, it's going to be hard to get super deep with these kids. that doesn't mean i still can't teach and be involved. it's just because of my sporadic schedule, i can't just meet up with them at the drop of a hat. it's not like i live 10 minutes away. plus who knows how much further north they live past the church?!
which brings me to my next thought...
2. if you don't already know, i want to move out. I'm beyond over living at home. the constant messiness (one of THE biggest reasons... seriously... it's incredibly embarrassing sometimes...), the invasion of privacy, the lack of closeness to friends/church/ministry/boyfriend, the want of just my own space and the freedom that comes along with that. it's not that i want to do anything that i can't do now (besides get a tattoo and stay out past 2 if i so desire it). the thing is, is it's hard to explain unless you are in my shoes. i LOVE my mom... so much... but sometimes i just get so annoyed with her. part of it is because i know i can't confront her about anything. if i do she just gets upset or defensive or just overly bent out of shape. so the plan is IF i get paid for working for church which i really don't expect them to, and i start working for my mom, then i can afford to move out ^_^
3. I've felt like a jerk lately. just my lack of patience with my mom or people around me. how i handled a cruddy situation with a guy at school. basically me just being nice to him led him on and now he won't leave me alone. i just feel bad because even though i didn't mean to cause this awkward situation, i feel like i hurt Brandon some how. I've just felt very immature lately. i got super bent outta shape about the new rules at SES. it's really no big deal, but just because of my past situations with overly cautious rules, i get really defensive and worked up about some situations. i just keep thinking "they're missing the point." why are we all so focused on rules, but not the heart? i could seriously get up on about 10 soap boxes about this subject, but I'll just walk away.
4. I'm beyond over cpcc. the people there are lazy and the teachers stink and i just want to move on...
that's what this comes down to.
I'm tired of being in this stage in my life. i feel like I've been here FOR EV ER and i just can't get out. it seems hopeless and i feel like I'll never be done with school or move out or grow up in the slightest bit. I'm ready to take the next step, but i just can't.
on a super cool note. God is awesome and gave me something to make me smile about... tonight Brandon and i were laying on the side walk looking at stars and literally, i couldn't even get the whole sentence out.. but as i said "i would love to see a shooting star" an amazing one shot across the sky RIGHT above me. thank you God ^_^ i needed that. i had awful dreams last night... probably the worst I've had in.... well... ever. and i can't get the images or sounds out of my head. that is something that just amazes me... Jesus never had an impure thought. he was in complete control of his mind... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! seriously.
oh also I'm getting better (which is a relative term) at long boarding... that's EXTREMELY exciting. I've really always wanted to learn how and now that i am is sooooooooo amazing.
i really felt like there was more for me to write about, but i suppose that's it. one day I'll look back and it'll all make sense. if nothing else, i just have time to gather my things and save my money and purchase furniture and find the perfect house. I've got time, i just get fixated on the big picture. the future of what could be.
title by Brooke Waggoner... amazing musician. christian? maybe.
a LOT has been running through my head lately. especially because i have to ask the hard questions.
1. my pastor at church asked me to consider taking on a position leading the high school ministry at church. I'd basically be the go to person for it and I'd be teaching on Sunday nights. freakin AMAZING. I'm super excited about it, but the reality of it is sinking in and it's terrifying. really it just comes down to me being fearful I'll some how misinterpret scripture and some how lead these kids astray. but i honestly feel that at this moment in time because i live on the opposite side of the city, it's going to be hard to get super deep with these kids. that doesn't mean i still can't teach and be involved. it's just because of my sporadic schedule, i can't just meet up with them at the drop of a hat. it's not like i live 10 minutes away. plus who knows how much further north they live past the church?!
which brings me to my next thought...
2. if you don't already know, i want to move out. I'm beyond over living at home. the constant messiness (one of THE biggest reasons... seriously... it's incredibly embarrassing sometimes...), the invasion of privacy, the lack of closeness to friends/church/ministry/boyfriend, the want of just my own space and the freedom that comes along with that. it's not that i want to do anything that i can't do now (besides get a tattoo and stay out past 2 if i so desire it). the thing is, is it's hard to explain unless you are in my shoes. i LOVE my mom... so much... but sometimes i just get so annoyed with her. part of it is because i know i can't confront her about anything. if i do she just gets upset or defensive or just overly bent out of shape. so the plan is IF i get paid for working for church which i really don't expect them to, and i start working for my mom, then i can afford to move out ^_^
3. I've felt like a jerk lately. just my lack of patience with my mom or people around me. how i handled a cruddy situation with a guy at school. basically me just being nice to him led him on and now he won't leave me alone. i just feel bad because even though i didn't mean to cause this awkward situation, i feel like i hurt Brandon some how. I've just felt very immature lately. i got super bent outta shape about the new rules at SES. it's really no big deal, but just because of my past situations with overly cautious rules, i get really defensive and worked up about some situations. i just keep thinking "they're missing the point." why are we all so focused on rules, but not the heart? i could seriously get up on about 10 soap boxes about this subject, but I'll just walk away.
4. I'm beyond over cpcc. the people there are lazy and the teachers stink and i just want to move on...
that's what this comes down to.
I'm tired of being in this stage in my life. i feel like I've been here FOR EV ER and i just can't get out. it seems hopeless and i feel like I'll never be done with school or move out or grow up in the slightest bit. I'm ready to take the next step, but i just can't.
on a super cool note. God is awesome and gave me something to make me smile about... tonight Brandon and i were laying on the side walk looking at stars and literally, i couldn't even get the whole sentence out.. but as i said "i would love to see a shooting star" an amazing one shot across the sky RIGHT above me. thank you God ^_^ i needed that. i had awful dreams last night... probably the worst I've had in.... well... ever. and i can't get the images or sounds out of my head. that is something that just amazes me... Jesus never had an impure thought. he was in complete control of his mind... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! seriously.
oh also I'm getting better (which is a relative term) at long boarding... that's EXTREMELY exciting. I've really always wanted to learn how and now that i am is sooooooooo amazing.
i really felt like there was more for me to write about, but i suppose that's it. one day I'll look back and it'll all make sense. if nothing else, i just have time to gather my things and save my money and purchase furniture and find the perfect house. I've got time, i just get fixated on the big picture. the future of what could be.
title by Brooke Waggoner... amazing musician. christian? maybe.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
In fear and faith
You never saw Him, yet you love him. You still don't see Him, yet you
trust Him - with laughter and singing. Because you kept believing,
you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation.
trust Him - with laughter and singing. Because you kept believing,
you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation.
- Peter
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
humble omelette
i went to breakfast with Brandon today and shared with him one of my biggest frustrations with a friend of mine. i appreciate so much his boldness... i need that in my life. it's not often you find someone like that who isn't scared to be bold and call you out on stuff. long story short, he called me out... the thing is... is i know this... i know that it's my problem, not that person's. i know that i can't get over it. i know that i'm holding onto this frustration for some reason, but why? why does it bother me so much? maybe it's because i've yet to forgive her in my heart. it's just sucky when you can't even remember all the crap that's happened. i feel like i'm 6 yrs old again fighting with one of my siblings to the point of forgetting the original root to the problem.
next thought...
as i've been reading for my Bible Study Methods class, we've been digging into some scripture that is often misinterpreted. one of those was the passage (1 corinthians 11:7-10) that talks about how women, out of respect for God and their husbands, should wear head coverings. long story short, that's not what the passage is talking about, it's talking about "wearing" authority on her head... meaning... God is over man, man was made for the glory of God, and women were made for the glory of man. but where we get the whole head coverings thing, i'm lost. like the book was saying, the passage doesn't really say what "it" is... it just says that it = authority... not a cloth-like thing. anyways... this all got me thinking about how amazing it is that God made me for man. that when things work the way they are supposed to, it's a beautiful relationship. this then led me to think, what am i doing that would be destructive to a healthy relationship? how am i living, what am i doing, what do i represent, how do i come accross to people... etc... that may be destructive and dishonoring (ulitmately) to God and my future husband?
i guess one of those things is my stuborness and just how i won't let go of things sometimes. i hold onto them like i need them... when in reality i'd give just about anything to rid myself of that stress.
right, so... i guess i'll just eat that humble omelette now and shut up and let go.
next thought...
as i've been reading for my Bible Study Methods class, we've been digging into some scripture that is often misinterpreted. one of those was the passage (1 corinthians 11:7-10) that talks about how women, out of respect for God and their husbands, should wear head coverings. long story short, that's not what the passage is talking about, it's talking about "wearing" authority on her head... meaning... God is over man, man was made for the glory of God, and women were made for the glory of man. but where we get the whole head coverings thing, i'm lost. like the book was saying, the passage doesn't really say what "it" is... it just says that it = authority... not a cloth-like thing. anyways... this all got me thinking about how amazing it is that God made me for man. that when things work the way they are supposed to, it's a beautiful relationship. this then led me to think, what am i doing that would be destructive to a healthy relationship? how am i living, what am i doing, what do i represent, how do i come accross to people... etc... that may be destructive and dishonoring (ulitmately) to God and my future husband?
i guess one of those things is my stuborness and just how i won't let go of things sometimes. i hold onto them like i need them... when in reality i'd give just about anything to rid myself of that stress.
right, so... i guess i'll just eat that humble omelette now and shut up and let go.
Monday, September 08, 2008
pb&j
so lately i think i've written just how at times i get irritated living at home with the rents... well, yes, it's true... so let me first apologize for the fact that i may have led you on to believing that i dislike my parents... which is completely untrue... i love them with all my heart. in fact... i really look up to them and hope that as i grow older i take things from them and apply them to my life.........
for example..........
a couple weeks ago at church our pastor David challenged us with the thought of how if we stopped eating out so much we could use the money we saved to give back to the poor. well, my mom being how amazing she is, took this idea and went one step further.
at work she made a small box and wrote a note on it saying (or saying something to the effect of) "for only $45 a month, a family of four can have enough food and clean water to last a month... consider eating in instead and donating the money you would have spent to a family in Africa." she bought a couple loaves of bread, peanut butter, and jelly and left it next to the box. she also bought bottled water and put it in there fridge. her goal is to raise enough money to build an entire well.
freakin amazing.
so today, i'm going to have lunch with my mom and brother at work eating pb&j (though i think i'll snag the honey from our kitchen......)
for example..........
a couple weeks ago at church our pastor David challenged us with the thought of how if we stopped eating out so much we could use the money we saved to give back to the poor. well, my mom being how amazing she is, took this idea and went one step further.
at work she made a small box and wrote a note on it saying (or saying something to the effect of) "for only $45 a month, a family of four can have enough food and clean water to last a month... consider eating in instead and donating the money you would have spent to a family in Africa." she bought a couple loaves of bread, peanut butter, and jelly and left it next to the box. she also bought bottled water and put it in there fridge. her goal is to raise enough money to build an entire well.
freakin amazing.
so today, i'm going to have lunch with my mom and brother at work eating pb&j (though i think i'll snag the honey from our kitchen......)
Sunday, September 07, 2008
northwest of ju ju
i used to work at this coffee shop called It's a Grind. long story short, one of my co-workers husband used to come in and visit her from time to time. once i got to know him and he found out that i'm studying apologetics, he began asking me all these tough questions about morality and life. that was last spring. now i'm at starbucks. today i'm filling the lil fridge thing where we keep all those drinks and i look up and who do i see but that guy. he doesn't recognize me right away but as soon as he did, the same ol' questions came flyin.... man i love it. i live for those kinds of discussions about morality and life. the HARD ones. the ones that make your brain about have a baby trying to figure them out. he asked me today, and i think he's asked me this before, if something is wrong because God or the police/authority say it's wrong, or because it's wrong. i feel like this is one of those questions that just doesn't make sense when you really think about it... because after all where do we get moral law and morality from but God? morality needs a source, it couldn't have just come from no-where. and we have to have someone perfect to be able to know what really is truly moral and not. and since we all know man is imperfect, we need an all perfect being, hence, God.
anyways... it felt good to get my brain goin like that again... oh man i love it.
title = northwest of ju ju by Justin King
anyways... it felt good to get my brain goin like that again... oh man i love it.
title = northwest of ju ju by Justin King
Friday, September 05, 2008
i am their daughter
i hate how little patience i have with living at home. i wish i could be thankful for what i have. but all i can see is the negative. my dad seems extra stressed lately, and I'm not sure why. maybe he's always been this way but now that I'm older, i am just more aware of it. he's never lashed out, but he just gets cranky and stressed and frustrated. and I'm tired of how messy/cluttered things are. that's really the biggest thing... it's just that the house is always a wreck and i alone can't keep up with it. now, granted, i know i don't have room to talk considering the condition of my room right now... but it's not a gross messy dirty, it's just clothes and stuff not in their place.
the longer i live at home, the more I'm seeing things in myself that i got from my parents... my impatience, my clinginess to objects (overly sentimental), messy, disorganized... but i also see the good. i def. got my love for giving from my parents, i got my free-spirit, and most importantly, i know i have them to thank for my passion for Christ. i don't want to know where I'd be if it weren't for them.
i think the other thing that makes this so hard, is that there is this part of me that so badly wants to grow up, but feels just held down by living at home. it's always the little things that get to me so badly... i guess that really this IS part of growing up... learning to be grateful and content no matter where God has you.
the longer i live at home, the more I'm seeing things in myself that i got from my parents... my impatience, my clinginess to objects (overly sentimental), messy, disorganized... but i also see the good. i def. got my love for giving from my parents, i got my free-spirit, and most importantly, i know i have them to thank for my passion for Christ. i don't want to know where I'd be if it weren't for them.
i think the other thing that makes this so hard, is that there is this part of me that so badly wants to grow up, but feels just held down by living at home. it's always the little things that get to me so badly... i guess that really this IS part of growing up... learning to be grateful and content no matter where God has you.
skinny love
as i was driving home tonight, my thoughts were running around like they were being chased by a wolf. thinking about this and that, fears and failures, happy thoughts and sad thoughts... you name it, i thought about it. so as my thoughts ran past me, i managed to grab onto a couple and hold onto them for a while...
God tells us eight times in the Bible to love like we love ourselves... but have you ever thought about the way you love yourself? yeah, we're conceded, we do most of what we do for ourselves... but that stuff we do really can hurt us. we eat like there's no tomorrow, we feed our brains with porn and hate and death and violence... and all in one movie. we tell ourselves lies about our appearance every morning as we stare into the mirror, we focus on the negatives instead of the positives.... and the list goes on. so really, maybe we should be loving like God loves. maybe that's why we suck at loving others.
maybe we've forgotten how to love ourselves properly.
maybe we have just forgotten how to love.
i wish i could see peoples hearts... i watch people a lot... i try to pay attention. sometimes, i notice people just look sad, and all i want to do is sit down and ask them what's wrong, and listen. isn't that what we want sometimes? just someone to listen to our hearts... why they hurt, why they're happy, why they feel...
title = Skinny Love by Bon Iver
God tells us eight times in the Bible to love like we love ourselves... but have you ever thought about the way you love yourself? yeah, we're conceded, we do most of what we do for ourselves... but that stuff we do really can hurt us. we eat like there's no tomorrow, we feed our brains with porn and hate and death and violence... and all in one movie. we tell ourselves lies about our appearance every morning as we stare into the mirror, we focus on the negatives instead of the positives.... and the list goes on. so really, maybe we should be loving like God loves. maybe that's why we suck at loving others.
maybe we've forgotten how to love ourselves properly.
maybe we have just forgotten how to love.
i wish i could see peoples hearts... i watch people a lot... i try to pay attention. sometimes, i notice people just look sad, and all i want to do is sit down and ask them what's wrong, and listen. isn't that what we want sometimes? just someone to listen to our hearts... why they hurt, why they're happy, why they feel...
title = Skinny Love by Bon Iver
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