beautiful.

do you ever have such amazing conversations with people that you wish you could some how save that conversation and relive it another day?

well i just did. Thank you Tim for cheering me up and helping me breath a little easier tonight.

sometimes i don't want kids... ever.

i don't know how i'm going to be a mom one day... kids scare me (they're so freakin fragile!) and crying makes my skin crawl and whipping snotty noses makes me gag.

hopefully mommy instincts will kick in and i'll be ok. plus i just want to be a cool mom. not one of those moms........

seriously.

I'll never understand why i fret so much and worry when God has sworn to us his love. told us not to worry. told us of our worth. and yet, i still find myself freaking out trying to figure things out. all i can do is imagine God just sitting next to me waiting... thinking "seriously kid, any time you want me to help you out i will, but you've got to trust me."

all I'm saying is I'm glad i journal. cause I've been able to go back and read how God has worked out my messes into beauty and I'm always left laughing at how awesome God is. it honestly just makes me laugh. because i can so easily recall how i felt during that bleak moment... thinking that there was no hope, that it was NOT going to end well... and then God turns it all around and I'm left speechless and amazed.

seriously, i love my God.




lately I've been having horrid dreams. and i really don't know why. but I've been honestly scared to go to bed the past couple nights scared I'll wake up in a panic again. dreams of friends dying and being chased by angry mobs. dreams of being lost in the amazon forest running for my life from abnormally large animals. swimming in the ocean about to be eaten by a shark. i keep praying for good dreams, and some nights God blesses me with them and lets me sleep peacefully, and yet others they sneak in and i wake up in a panic. i wish i knew what has triggered them. i don't normally have bad dreams.


my imagination is too big for it's own good.


and i really can't deny the fact that I'm ready for the new year.


and February 10th... i get my 3/4 sleeve then ^_^

i still miss you.

i miss your warmth and understanding
the way you held me and called me kid
i felt alive and calm, free and still
why you held me when i cried those tears
i'll never understand

but i still miss you and love you so
when you come back around we'll laugh and smile
share our dreams and forgotten failures
read each other's poetry
and sit in silence staring at each other

so go back home, before it's too late
i'll fall back in love and push you away
i'll try to forget you with the birds on my arm
and sing songs of love so wrong...

sixty some more years

as i sat in my car praying... the thought that i may only live (if all goes well) sixty some more years was terrifying. what i will see and hear and experience will leave me changed in those years. i'm continually growing.

so what will i do with these some odd sixty years? how will i leave the world speechless? how will i change those around me for the better? who will i be? what will i become? i guess i can't worry about it. God's timing is ridiculous. He will show me what i'm to do.

but as self-centered as this may sound, i've always felt like God was calling me to more in life than just the norm. if only i could figure that out. i know what i'm passionate about and i know where i'm gifted, but what do i do with those things?

i love people. i love love music and i can sing. i love art and traveling. i love to make people happy...... maybe i should be a musician. but how and when and where and to what extent... i'll never know. it's hard to get into the music scene. well i guess it isn't too hard... but people are mean and selective. and quite frankly i'd really rather not sing in a worship team ever again. though God is funny and i know i'll some how find myself back in one one day.

i think it'd be cool to be a tattoo artist too... except i can't draw... hahaha... that's kind of important.

To: Whom it may concern

i was reminded of a freeing thought amidst everything going on recently...

God is constant.

despite who we are, what we do, what we don't do... God never changes. He will glorify himself even through our faults. that's not to say we can do what ever we please, but reassuring to know that even when we try our hardest and fail, God can still use our faults to teach us new things and glorify Himself through us. God gave us one command that everything else hinges on, and that is to love Him the best way we can, and love others as we wish to be loved (matthew 22:37-40).

that was just a comforting thought amidst everything. sometimes i get caught up in this mental battle between my two selves... my old self and my new self. i know i've changed a lot recently and sometimes the thought of failing God terrifies me. and what is just as terrifying is the thought that i would be a poor excuse for a Christian. but the fact is, is we're human, we're going to screw up,

but God never will.