it's nice being able to look back over my life and see that not all of my decisions have hurt me and that i actually learned something from them. if there was one thing i learned from one of my dating experiences, it was when you see a need, you do your best to fill it. i mean, that is, if you can. and i see a need, i can, but i don't know if i should. on top of being an emotional wreck right now, i'm tired, and wishing i had someone to talk to about this. but i feel like anyone i talk to, won't get it.
i have so many big decisions to make right now, i just wish God would come and hold me and just show me where i need to go. i know i have to trust him, and i do, i really do... but these decisions are over my head. i don't want to just sit back and take the easy road... God even said the road to him wouldn't be easy... it's narrow... i'm willing to give up whatever for him, i just don't know what.
where do i go to church?
do i move out?
do i help them?
do i keep pursuing this?
it was no coincidence i visited UCF yesterday... i needed to hear that. i just can't help it... i'm so anxious, i need sleep... and a hug.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
patience
I love how when you pray for God to teach you a type of "virtue," he doesn't merely give it to you, he puts you in situations that you have to either be that way or deal with stress. Lately i've been praying that God would really help me learn patience. i don't want to be the typical american in any way... hence the wanting to learn patience and eating vegan for the most part... i just find it humorous in a very frustrating kind of way that God puts me in situations where i either let go of something i want because i can't have it now or have patience and wait for it... or lets me have days like today at work where my patience is really tried... ;dghdf;uiogfdio;jg;fdiojgdoijg;
Friday, July 25, 2008
vegan?
I've been reading this book called "Skinny Bitch" lately and it's quite convicted me of not only my eating habits in general but eating the stuff i thought WAS healthy. it's not that i have ANYTHING against eating meat. i actually like it. but! i didn't realize that 1. the stuff farmers were pumping in animals to keep them alive and 2. how they're treating the animals. all the stuff they pump in them I'm basically eating. yikes! they made a good point about how that's why a lot of Americans struggles losing weight. it's the same concept as when women go on birth control... all the hormones and chemicals screw with your body. so when we ingest all those fun chemicals via said chicken/cow/animal, they begin messing with our system.
long story short, it grossed me out... hard core style. like to the point meat doesn't even sound appetizing. though i will say I'll miss milk/cheese. but again they made yet another good point. Humans are the only mammal that continues to drink milk after being weaned. we're taught all growing up that we NEED calcium and that it helps us lose weight... but last i checked milk is basically liquid fat. milk is used to help speed the growth process of babies. no wonder it messes with us when we're older. it's a good thing i like soy milk :) plus milk kinda grosses me out when i think about it... mmm... cow juice...... so today was my first day attempting it. so far so good. it's been a little difficult, but i think i can do it. i mean it's not like i won't eat it if it's the only thing offered or i am at a friends house. meaning, I'm not going to be one of THOSE girls... those over the top vegan's that give people mean looks and refuse to even look at meat, and would rather starve than eat it (maybe that's why the book is called Skinny Bitch?). i mean honestly the way they say you should eat is practically impossible and highly expensive. they want you basically to cut out all animal products and then anything not organic. but ummm... yeah... a full time student trying to eat that way is basically impossible. BUT, i will do my best when i can. i feel like i haven't eaten a lot, but I'm not hungry, so i guess that's good. I've also started trying to drink A LOT more water than what i was.
it's not just an image thing. i honestly am not happy with the way i look, but it's more than just that... it's that i want to be healthy. obesity runs wild in my family, and i refuse to let it take over my life.
so, vegan? mostly.
oh, also...
pray for me if you happen to read this. i honestly have NO earthly idea if any of my friends read this... and that's ok... but if you happen to, would you please pray for me? I've got a pretty big decision to make. I've had to make this exact same decision before, and it's funny, the same instances are surrounding the situation as last time... but now that I'm a little older and wiser (at least, i hope I've become wiser), i want to make sure it's the right thing to do. i'm over hasty selfish decision making.
God, what do YOU want me to do?
long story short, it grossed me out... hard core style. like to the point meat doesn't even sound appetizing. though i will say I'll miss milk/cheese. but again they made yet another good point. Humans are the only mammal that continues to drink milk after being weaned. we're taught all growing up that we NEED calcium and that it helps us lose weight... but last i checked milk is basically liquid fat. milk is used to help speed the growth process of babies. no wonder it messes with us when we're older. it's a good thing i like soy milk :) plus milk kinda grosses me out when i think about it... mmm... cow juice...... so today was my first day attempting it. so far so good. it's been a little difficult, but i think i can do it. i mean it's not like i won't eat it if it's the only thing offered or i am at a friends house. meaning, I'm not going to be one of THOSE girls... those over the top vegan's that give people mean looks and refuse to even look at meat, and would rather starve than eat it (maybe that's why the book is called Skinny Bitch?). i mean honestly the way they say you should eat is practically impossible and highly expensive. they want you basically to cut out all animal products and then anything not organic. but ummm... yeah... a full time student trying to eat that way is basically impossible. BUT, i will do my best when i can. i feel like i haven't eaten a lot, but I'm not hungry, so i guess that's good. I've also started trying to drink A LOT more water than what i was.
it's not just an image thing. i honestly am not happy with the way i look, but it's more than just that... it's that i want to be healthy. obesity runs wild in my family, and i refuse to let it take over my life.
so, vegan? mostly.
oh, also...
pray for me if you happen to read this. i honestly have NO earthly idea if any of my friends read this... and that's ok... but if you happen to, would you please pray for me? I've got a pretty big decision to make. I've had to make this exact same decision before, and it's funny, the same instances are surrounding the situation as last time... but now that I'm a little older and wiser (at least, i hope I've become wiser), i want to make sure it's the right thing to do. i'm over hasty selfish decision making.
God, what do YOU want me to do?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
i just noticed...
most of my posts are actually supposed to be for the day before.... meaning... i write most of my posts after midnight of the day the events actually happened. like this one right now will say i wrote it on thursday, but really, it's still wednesday, in my head... because i've yet to go to bed...
so i guess i'll have to start speaking in past tense.
so i guess i'll have to start speaking in past tense.
Talitha Koum
my mom and i sat down tonight and worked out a budget for me... I'm surprised to see that it's actually do-able. but despite how do-able it is, it's not logical. you see, if were to move out, all that money is just being spent and blown away when i have NO real solid reason for moving out yet. but if i save it, wow... I'll have a good chunk of change put away for when i actually am finished with school and do move out.
I've figured out when it is that i get annoyed with my parents... it just hit me today... it's when i know i need/want to talk to them about something, but i haven't processed through my thoughts enough yet to talk. but then add on being tired and it's just an awful combo. though i really get annoyed with most anyone when I'm tired........
so i witnessed to a group of high school kids today. to sum it up, i really saw how people just do NOT think through things and how stuff contradicts. i was in Barnes and Noble today picking up a couple books and a day-timer when i saw a group of high school (stereo-typical goth types) kids walk by. as they did, that voice yelled out at me again... like it did yesterday. so i began praying, "God, if you want me to talk to them, you have to speak through me. i don't know these kids, and for all i know they will probably laugh at me... so give me the words and wisdom to speak truth into their hearts." so as i stood and lingered around trying to think of what to say, the one thing that came to mind over and over was just to simply ask them if they had ever thought about where everything came from... so i did. after i practically puked from nervousness, i went up and asked. i just told them it's something i often think about and i like asking people of all kinds and types what they think. one kid told me he was agnostic, with a mix of evolution and Christianity (everything in me wanted to be like, wow... way to contradict yourself 3 times buddy... but i figured that would probably not win them over hahaha...). i asked him how he did that. he told me that he thinks Adam and Eve were the first real formed humans after apes. so i asked him then where the apes came from, he said fish.
me - where did the fish come from?
him - amoebas
me - where did they come from?
him - germs/molecules?
me - and them?
him - God?
me - yeah... i mean, if that is the case, then they had to start from something. something can't come from nothing... there had to be an ultimate creator...
so then the 2 lesbians said they had never thought about it before. then the other dude said he mixed evolution, Christianity, and Buddhism. and i totally lost him in the midst of his explanation of that....... he made no sense. then the other girl (not one of the lesbians) chimed in saying something about faith... but her explanation of faith was it was more of a type of moral support. something to give us hope. so after that, i could tell they were done... it wasn't that they were annoyed, in fact, they were quite nice to me. but i knew they were done talking about it.
just planting seeds i suppose.
time for bed... actually time to read my bible and put stuff in my new day-timerthingymabobber...
oh and go read Mark 5 to see where i got the title of this post from. one day, i'll have it tattoo'd on me somewhere for sure.
I've figured out when it is that i get annoyed with my parents... it just hit me today... it's when i know i need/want to talk to them about something, but i haven't processed through my thoughts enough yet to talk. but then add on being tired and it's just an awful combo. though i really get annoyed with most anyone when I'm tired........
so i witnessed to a group of high school kids today. to sum it up, i really saw how people just do NOT think through things and how stuff contradicts. i was in Barnes and Noble today picking up a couple books and a day-timer when i saw a group of high school (stereo-typical goth types) kids walk by. as they did, that voice yelled out at me again... like it did yesterday. so i began praying, "God, if you want me to talk to them, you have to speak through me. i don't know these kids, and for all i know they will probably laugh at me... so give me the words and wisdom to speak truth into their hearts." so as i stood and lingered around trying to think of what to say, the one thing that came to mind over and over was just to simply ask them if they had ever thought about where everything came from... so i did. after i practically puked from nervousness, i went up and asked. i just told them it's something i often think about and i like asking people of all kinds and types what they think. one kid told me he was agnostic, with a mix of evolution and Christianity (everything in me wanted to be like, wow... way to contradict yourself 3 times buddy... but i figured that would probably not win them over hahaha...). i asked him how he did that. he told me that he thinks Adam and Eve were the first real formed humans after apes. so i asked him then where the apes came from, he said fish.
me - where did the fish come from?
him - amoebas
me - where did they come from?
him - germs/molecules?
me - and them?
him - God?
me - yeah... i mean, if that is the case, then they had to start from something. something can't come from nothing... there had to be an ultimate creator...
so then the 2 lesbians said they had never thought about it before. then the other dude said he mixed evolution, Christianity, and Buddhism. and i totally lost him in the midst of his explanation of that....... he made no sense. then the other girl (not one of the lesbians) chimed in saying something about faith... but her explanation of faith was it was more of a type of moral support. something to give us hope. so after that, i could tell they were done... it wasn't that they were annoyed, in fact, they were quite nice to me. but i knew they were done talking about it.
just planting seeds i suppose.
time for bed... actually time to read my bible and put stuff in my new day-timerthingymabobber...
oh and go read Mark 5 to see where i got the title of this post from. one day, i'll have it tattoo'd on me somewhere for sure.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
crisis averted
let me first just say thank you Mom... you saved my tail, yet again.
i was at work today when my mom called the actual store... i figured it was something important when she made the effort to actually call my starbucks to reach me. apparently i'm a blond and forgot to pay for my cpcc classes... i DON'T know how that happened. seriously, and it scares me that i forgot that. i need to write things down. anyhow, she called me and told me that my classes were dropped because of that and asked for my student i.d. and password so she could "fix" the problem. aaaand she did. my mom is amazing. i don't know HOW she was able to get me back into my same exact classes, but she did. God was probably going "oh my little Kendall, i love you..." all the while shaking his head. God seriously took care of me... i seriously almost had an emotional break down in the middle of work. i was like SERIOUSLY?! just when i'm trying to actually grow up and take responsibility for myself!
apparently this was a serious situation......................
speaking of being responsible. i talked to my parents tonight about moving out. they were very encouraging but honest all the same. basically, i need to make $10 an hour. how does a 20 year old female make $10 an hour without a degree? i want so badly to move out... but i just feel like it's out of my reach right now.
right... so i'm really happy, and life is good, but i fear this is merely the calm before the storm.
i was at work today when my mom called the actual store... i figured it was something important when she made the effort to actually call my starbucks to reach me. apparently i'm a blond and forgot to pay for my cpcc classes... i DON'T know how that happened. seriously, and it scares me that i forgot that. i need to write things down. anyhow, she called me and told me that my classes were dropped because of that and asked for my student i.d. and password so she could "fix" the problem. aaaand she did. my mom is amazing. i don't know HOW she was able to get me back into my same exact classes, but she did. God was probably going "oh my little Kendall, i love you..." all the while shaking his head. God seriously took care of me... i seriously almost had an emotional break down in the middle of work. i was like SERIOUSLY?! just when i'm trying to actually grow up and take responsibility for myself!
apparently this was a serious situation......................
speaking of being responsible. i talked to my parents tonight about moving out. they were very encouraging but honest all the same. basically, i need to make $10 an hour. how does a 20 year old female make $10 an hour without a degree? i want so badly to move out... but i just feel like it's out of my reach right now.
right... so i'm really happy, and life is good, but i fear this is merely the calm before the storm.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
85% good 15% bad
so how's about things are amazing.
1. clarification and honesty is amazing in relationships.
2. boldness for God's sake is the greatest and most terrifying high.
3. learning new things (long boarding) makes things interesting.
4. Growing up in Christ without even realizing it but then all of the sudden realizing it is refreshing and exciting.
5. making new amazing friendships makes my heart REALLY happy.
so yeah. i'm really very happy... but of course life just wouldn't be life without it's little things to get you frustrated... ie. my lack of physical fitness and my current state of living at home. i'm really just tired of being out of shape. i like eating healthy and taking care of myself, but because i haven't felt this way until most recently i'm trying to loose the little pudge that's stupid hard to get rid of. i just want to be in shape. that's really it. my goal is actually to get to what i hear some call a "runners high." i want to get to that point... but it's going to take a while. oh well, it'll be worth it when i get to it. then this whole living at home thing is starting to wear me thin again. i just stinkin need my space. need to be out on my own doin my own thing. and really, it's getting to the point where it'd make more sense for me to move out to the university area... my church is out there, my friends, and i can easily transfer work and school out that way. i just am realizing the amount of gas i'm having to keep spending money on is getting rediculous. i put half a tanks worth of gas in my car YESTERDAY, and just between driving to church and back and then driving 'round town doing errands and then driving back up to the university area to see friends and back, i used it up. but there is no way i can afford to move out there. it's not that i don't have the opportunity, it's that i don't have the funds. if i work full time i can afford it. even if i work at least 30 hours a week, i could... i'd be cuttin it a little close, but i could do it. but how am i supposed to work full time, do school full time and then ALSO have a social life AAAAND serve at church!? how does that work? seriously! i want to do it, i want to get out and finally just be my own person, but i just don't see how it's possible. i mean cause at this rate if it's costing me $50 bucks a tank for at least 4ish days... thats...... roughly $375 a month for just gas alone when normally i'd only pay around $200. but if i moved up there, i would pay less for gas, put less miles on my car which in turn keeps me from having to get my oil changed and put new tires on it and so on and so forth... plus i'd be closer to all that's important to me. the thing is, i'm not paying for anything really right now. i'm truly blessed in that my parents are paying for most of my stuff. but i don't really get to spend the money i make. it goes right into my account and then disappears as i pay for stuff... so it's not like i'm not already spending my money on things like gas and food and what not. dgifjd;ijdfgij;idfg...........
God, please, you say you'll give us the desires of our heart, and what my heart truly wants is your will, but this other want is getting tiring.
but back to good things... i can't focus on the bad too long or it begins to really REALLY get to me.
1. i'm amazed at this current situation i'm in....... it's exciting and i'm so thankful.
2. i witnessed to a dude today... it was so nerve racking, but i hope i made an impact on him for God. he was a young guy probably early to mid 20's. he was sitting at a corner asking for money... the sign read "need gas money to get back to asheville, please help." and something in me said "you should go talk to him." so i did. i ran into the book store and grabbed a copy of Crazy Love by Francis Chan to give to him and stuck a few bucks in there for gas money. then i went and talked to him. i just prayed a billion times over "God speak through me." and honestly, even though i'm not even sure i made sense, i know it was God speaking through me cause i had no idea what to say. i just went up to him and asked him why he was going to asheville, he told me it was home. i felt so bad for him. he supposedly has been stuck here for 3 days and no one will help him. :( i wish i could have given him like $200 to get him home. but i have no idea if that was just a scam or for real. either way, my point was to witness to him. so i just told him that i felt really compelled for some reason to talk to him and challenge him and his way of thinking. all i said was "i'm not going to stand here and preach at you because i'm sure you've had tons of people already do that and you've heard all the stories in the book, but i just want to challenge you in that if you don't already believe in God, to really rethink that, because i know for me, i can't help but look around me and not find the world itself and all of creation a good enough reason to believe." he told me he believed, so as i smiled i gave him the book and told him that i hope this book can encourage and challenge him in new ways. he told me he was extremely grateful and was excited to read the book... and as i drove off, i saw him already looking at it and reading it. :)
3. i've been wanting to learn how to long board for a really long time, and finally this past sunday my friend taught me and i picked it up pretty dang quick :) i was proud of myself, and now i'm REALLY wanting to buy one.
4. my sister and i were both serving on sunday so we were able to just sit and talk and catch up during second service. it was... very needed. i almost cried though... between a huge burden on my heart and the fact that my sister told me she was proud of me i almost lost it. i know my parents are proud of me, but i don't hear it enough, so any time someone close to me tells me, it seriously makes my day.
5. so i've made a whole slew of new friends through just one of my friends, and i kinda for a while felt like i was just the friend of a friend. so the original friend is gone on vacation, but i was still invited by multiple people to come hang out not only tonight but again friday ^_^ it meant a LOT to me. a whole lot. and i don't think they really realize it.
i'm happy and frustrated. i need more clarification and patience. i'm tired of living at home. it's to the point where i get really sad coming back home. i hate to admit that, but it's true. it's not that i have a bad relationship with my parents, that's not it at all... i just need my space.
1. clarification and honesty is amazing in relationships.
2. boldness for God's sake is the greatest and most terrifying high.
3. learning new things (long boarding) makes things interesting.
4. Growing up in Christ without even realizing it but then all of the sudden realizing it is refreshing and exciting.
5. making new amazing friendships makes my heart REALLY happy.
so yeah. i'm really very happy... but of course life just wouldn't be life without it's little things to get you frustrated... ie. my lack of physical fitness and my current state of living at home. i'm really just tired of being out of shape. i like eating healthy and taking care of myself, but because i haven't felt this way until most recently i'm trying to loose the little pudge that's stupid hard to get rid of. i just want to be in shape. that's really it. my goal is actually to get to what i hear some call a "runners high." i want to get to that point... but it's going to take a while. oh well, it'll be worth it when i get to it. then this whole living at home thing is starting to wear me thin again. i just stinkin need my space. need to be out on my own doin my own thing. and really, it's getting to the point where it'd make more sense for me to move out to the university area... my church is out there, my friends, and i can easily transfer work and school out that way. i just am realizing the amount of gas i'm having to keep spending money on is getting rediculous. i put half a tanks worth of gas in my car YESTERDAY, and just between driving to church and back and then driving 'round town doing errands and then driving back up to the university area to see friends and back, i used it up. but there is no way i can afford to move out there. it's not that i don't have the opportunity, it's that i don't have the funds. if i work full time i can afford it. even if i work at least 30 hours a week, i could... i'd be cuttin it a little close, but i could do it. but how am i supposed to work full time, do school full time and then ALSO have a social life AAAAND serve at church!? how does that work? seriously! i want to do it, i want to get out and finally just be my own person, but i just don't see how it's possible. i mean cause at this rate if it's costing me $50 bucks a tank for at least 4ish days... thats...... roughly $375 a month for just gas alone when normally i'd only pay around $200. but if i moved up there, i would pay less for gas, put less miles on my car which in turn keeps me from having to get my oil changed and put new tires on it and so on and so forth... plus i'd be closer to all that's important to me. the thing is, i'm not paying for anything really right now. i'm truly blessed in that my parents are paying for most of my stuff. but i don't really get to spend the money i make. it goes right into my account and then disappears as i pay for stuff... so it's not like i'm not already spending my money on things like gas and food and what not. dgifjd;ijdfgij;idfg...........
God, please, you say you'll give us the desires of our heart, and what my heart truly wants is your will, but this other want is getting tiring.
but back to good things... i can't focus on the bad too long or it begins to really REALLY get to me.
1. i'm amazed at this current situation i'm in....... it's exciting and i'm so thankful.
2. i witnessed to a dude today... it was so nerve racking, but i hope i made an impact on him for God. he was a young guy probably early to mid 20's. he was sitting at a corner asking for money... the sign read "need gas money to get back to asheville, please help." and something in me said "you should go talk to him." so i did. i ran into the book store and grabbed a copy of Crazy Love by Francis Chan to give to him and stuck a few bucks in there for gas money. then i went and talked to him. i just prayed a billion times over "God speak through me." and honestly, even though i'm not even sure i made sense, i know it was God speaking through me cause i had no idea what to say. i just went up to him and asked him why he was going to asheville, he told me it was home. i felt so bad for him. he supposedly has been stuck here for 3 days and no one will help him. :( i wish i could have given him like $200 to get him home. but i have no idea if that was just a scam or for real. either way, my point was to witness to him. so i just told him that i felt really compelled for some reason to talk to him and challenge him and his way of thinking. all i said was "i'm not going to stand here and preach at you because i'm sure you've had tons of people already do that and you've heard all the stories in the book, but i just want to challenge you in that if you don't already believe in God, to really rethink that, because i know for me, i can't help but look around me and not find the world itself and all of creation a good enough reason to believe." he told me he believed, so as i smiled i gave him the book and told him that i hope this book can encourage and challenge him in new ways. he told me he was extremely grateful and was excited to read the book... and as i drove off, i saw him already looking at it and reading it. :)
3. i've been wanting to learn how to long board for a really long time, and finally this past sunday my friend taught me and i picked it up pretty dang quick :) i was proud of myself, and now i'm REALLY wanting to buy one.
4. my sister and i were both serving on sunday so we were able to just sit and talk and catch up during second service. it was... very needed. i almost cried though... between a huge burden on my heart and the fact that my sister told me she was proud of me i almost lost it. i know my parents are proud of me, but i don't hear it enough, so any time someone close to me tells me, it seriously makes my day.
5. so i've made a whole slew of new friends through just one of my friends, and i kinda for a while felt like i was just the friend of a friend. so the original friend is gone on vacation, but i was still invited by multiple people to come hang out not only tonight but again friday ^_^ it meant a LOT to me. a whole lot. and i don't think they really realize it.
i'm happy and frustrated. i need more clarification and patience. i'm tired of living at home. it's to the point where i get really sad coming back home. i hate to admit that, but it's true. it's not that i have a bad relationship with my parents, that's not it at all... i just need my space.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
one more before i leave
my family and i are going outta town for the week to the beach.
it should be....
interesting.
Don't get me wrong! i LOVE my family, it's just, we're family, and we're comfortable being ourselves. we all have our lovely downfalls that make us all in our own special way, great to be around. i'm praying that we will all keep ourselves (and each other) in check this week. but it will be great to get away one more time before school starts (ACK!).
i now have 3 books (thank you Brandon ^_^) i have to finish reading before fall: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Starving Jesus by Craig Gross and JR Mahon, and finally, Dare 2 Share by Greg Stier. i just wish i liked reading more. well, i do, i just don't make time. i choose other things, like sleeping or mind numbing tv. i'd love to be that cool mysterious girl you see in local coffee shops with her nose in a book. but i'm too busy being (as my aunt says) a free-spirit.
my prayer life has come back to life. i don't think i ever really realized it was dead. i also have Brandon to thank for that. i find myself leaving the radio off and just talking with God. or laying in bed before i doze off praying for my friends and family and our world. i'm trying to desperately to stop praying for myself so much. i wish i were not so selfish... i'd also like some more patience. but that's a different story.
my eyes hurt they're so tired, but my phone is in the middle of updating and i can't really stop it right now. crap.
i'll write more profound thoughts later when i can think clearer.
it should be....
interesting.
Don't get me wrong! i LOVE my family, it's just, we're family, and we're comfortable being ourselves. we all have our lovely downfalls that make us all in our own special way, great to be around. i'm praying that we will all keep ourselves (and each other) in check this week. but it will be great to get away one more time before school starts (ACK!).
i now have 3 books (thank you Brandon ^_^) i have to finish reading before fall: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Starving Jesus by Craig Gross and JR Mahon, and finally, Dare 2 Share by Greg Stier. i just wish i liked reading more. well, i do, i just don't make time. i choose other things, like sleeping or mind numbing tv. i'd love to be that cool mysterious girl you see in local coffee shops with her nose in a book. but i'm too busy being (as my aunt says) a free-spirit.
my prayer life has come back to life. i don't think i ever really realized it was dead. i also have Brandon to thank for that. i find myself leaving the radio off and just talking with God. or laying in bed before i doze off praying for my friends and family and our world. i'm trying to desperately to stop praying for myself so much. i wish i were not so selfish... i'd also like some more patience. but that's a different story.
my eyes hurt they're so tired, but my phone is in the middle of updating and i can't really stop it right now. crap.
i'll write more profound thoughts later when i can think clearer.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Roseline
i feel like my life is like a boat in a storm. though i'm not sinking right now, i'm being moved around in the boat and tossed with every wave. life is good, it's just not very... consistent. i haven't been getting a lot of work, so i've been stuck in a lazy haze. it's bad... i need more things to preoccupy my time. i wished i really liked reading, but i just don't. instead i've been spending my time putting henna on myself and sleeping and working out. oh and hanging out with friends of course.
God's been teaching me a lot and i definitely feel like i'm finally being me. not anyone else. i think things will be changing for me again. i think i may have always known it in the back of my head, but i didn't know why.
God's showing me all my passions and teaching me a lot about prayer... but i still long to know him. i want more of Him and less of the rest. i think yesterday was the first day in a very long time i was actually laughed AT for being a christian. it was, sad. but not sad in the way of being embarrassed or like my feelings had been hurt, but sad in the way that it hit me that these people just don't get it. they don't feel the love i feel when my family and i share special moments, the love i feel when i'm engulfed in nature, the love i feel when i read the Bible, the love i feel when God blesses my day with my favorite things... like wind and rain and birds... even when they feel joy from similar moments... it may never be as deep and meaningful as mine is. for i know that because of my love for God and my understanding of how HIS love has affected those around, these moments, are not just moments. my parents love God more than i may know, and because of our families similar tie around God, we have much more grace, understanding, humility, joy. it is when i see nature at it's wildest, i'm reminded of God's creativity... it humbles me. i marvel at how God made things just so. it is when i read His words, i learn just how deeply he loves us all... many say they'd die for another... but i seem to recall only One person actually following through with that thought.
my mom recently bought me (randomly) one of the invisible children bracelets. i used to have 2 more, but they disappeared. God's really been breaking my stubbornness and giving me a passion for people all over. so when i saw the video of Roselines life in Uganda... my heart broke. how could anyone so broken, have so much joy? she sings, she laughs, she loves, she works, she plays, she has dreams.......... she's just like you and me... minus everything. she has aids, she's beyond poor, she has no parents, she barely has a home... yet, she's happy. why can't i be like this? why do i get so stressed? why do i get so stressed i get headaches and have nightmares and tense up my shoulders to the point that i'm miserable in pain. i'm a pushover and find myself in crap situations. why can't i be like Roseline? why can't i just stop wanting and love what i have. this kinda brings me to another thought.
i've been really tempted as of late to fast from wearing make up. i'm really praying hard about something right now to the point of fasting... and i know you don't just have to fast from food. i think it'd be good for me. i'm going to be honest and say that at times i'm really wrapped up in myself. i hate to say it, but i do think i'm beautiful... it's not that i don't want to think not think i'm pretty... because there are lots of things i dislike about myself... but from the neck up, i love what i see. it's why i think it'd be good to rid myself of my security in my make up. i know that when i don't have it on, i'm extremely self-conscious. i think it'd be good to see myself the way God see's me. to learn to love me with or without make up. but i battle this fasting from it. i convince myself i don't have a problem, that i could go with out it, but i don't have to, so i won't. but, i think maybe, i do have a problem.
i'm 20 now. it's a weird age. i don't really remember putting "grow up" on my list of things to do. but whether i want to do it or not, it's happening.
God's been teaching me a lot and i definitely feel like i'm finally being me. not anyone else. i think things will be changing for me again. i think i may have always known it in the back of my head, but i didn't know why.
God's showing me all my passions and teaching me a lot about prayer... but i still long to know him. i want more of Him and less of the rest. i think yesterday was the first day in a very long time i was actually laughed AT for being a christian. it was, sad. but not sad in the way of being embarrassed or like my feelings had been hurt, but sad in the way that it hit me that these people just don't get it. they don't feel the love i feel when my family and i share special moments, the love i feel when i'm engulfed in nature, the love i feel when i read the Bible, the love i feel when God blesses my day with my favorite things... like wind and rain and birds... even when they feel joy from similar moments... it may never be as deep and meaningful as mine is. for i know that because of my love for God and my understanding of how HIS love has affected those around, these moments, are not just moments. my parents love God more than i may know, and because of our families similar tie around God, we have much more grace, understanding, humility, joy. it is when i see nature at it's wildest, i'm reminded of God's creativity... it humbles me. i marvel at how God made things just so. it is when i read His words, i learn just how deeply he loves us all... many say they'd die for another... but i seem to recall only One person actually following through with that thought.
my mom recently bought me (randomly) one of the invisible children bracelets. i used to have 2 more, but they disappeared. God's really been breaking my stubbornness and giving me a passion for people all over. so when i saw the video of Roselines life in Uganda... my heart broke. how could anyone so broken, have so much joy? she sings, she laughs, she loves, she works, she plays, she has dreams.......... she's just like you and me... minus everything. she has aids, she's beyond poor, she has no parents, she barely has a home... yet, she's happy. why can't i be like this? why do i get so stressed? why do i get so stressed i get headaches and have nightmares and tense up my shoulders to the point that i'm miserable in pain. i'm a pushover and find myself in crap situations. why can't i be like Roseline? why can't i just stop wanting and love what i have. this kinda brings me to another thought.
i've been really tempted as of late to fast from wearing make up. i'm really praying hard about something right now to the point of fasting... and i know you don't just have to fast from food. i think it'd be good for me. i'm going to be honest and say that at times i'm really wrapped up in myself. i hate to say it, but i do think i'm beautiful... it's not that i don't want to think not think i'm pretty... because there are lots of things i dislike about myself... but from the neck up, i love what i see. it's why i think it'd be good to rid myself of my security in my make up. i know that when i don't have it on, i'm extremely self-conscious. i think it'd be good to see myself the way God see's me. to learn to love me with or without make up. but i battle this fasting from it. i convince myself i don't have a problem, that i could go with out it, but i don't have to, so i won't. but, i think maybe, i do have a problem.
i'm 20 now. it's a weird age. i don't really remember putting "grow up" on my list of things to do. but whether i want to do it or not, it's happening.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
something
i'm eating is NOT working for my stomach. not sure what it is. but whatever it is, has not made my stomach happy lately.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
what good would it do?
when a close friend has wronged you... used you and wasn't appreciative, made you feel guilty and selfish... do you confront them? what good would it do? i want to do what God would do... he was ran over, unappreciated, used... what did he do?
i'm just tired of the having the people i'm closest to run me over with a lawn-mower.
i'm just tired of the having the people i'm closest to run me over with a lawn-mower.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Did we lack faith?
This whole prayer thing is really racking my brain. How/what do I pray to God when he has an ultimate will? Or what about the fact that things are sometimes out of our hands? Like diseases? We can only take care of ourselves so much, the rest is just how God designed it all. Several years ago my mom worked at a frame shop with a man who was probably the healthiest man we have ever met. He died of cancer. That doesn't make sense. He was a very committed Christian. We prayed for him as much as we could. He still passed away. So then, whats to say of our prayers? Did we lack faith? Was there really no hope? Is that just a natural cause of things? Or was it just God's will?
I don't believe God WANTS anyone to suffer in any way... but He did make the world and allow it to be as it is. Sinful. Sick. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Hungry. Greedy. Selfish. We chose this. We wanted our own way... look where we got ourselves.
I wish SEBC offered a class covering all this. I wish my church would teach about this.
I don't believe God WANTS anyone to suffer in any way... but He did make the world and allow it to be as it is. Sinful. Sick. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Hungry. Greedy. Selfish. We chose this. We wanted our own way... look where we got ourselves.
I wish SEBC offered a class covering all this. I wish my church would teach about this.
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