good night

it's official, i'm becoming nocturnal again... and i love it. had it not been quite so cold, i would have sat outside and watched the sky. i saw 2 shooting stars on the way home... one brighter than i had ever seen... i swore i could see the fire.

i love my brother. never have i ever been able to talk to anyone quite so freely in my entire life. yes of course there are things he doesn't know about me, but i'm sure it's mutual. i've never had someone challenge me in my thinking with out actually "challenging" me. we sat for at least 2 hours talking tonight about life, love, and God. i wish i could have recorded our conversation for a later time.

i wish i could talk to mom like that. she just doesn't get it sometimes, but she's a mom. she doesn't have to understand, she just has to have the answers. i talked to her about some of the things my brother and i talked about, but i knew she wouldn't respond the same. i just shared with her my thoughts on church and love. how i feel so lonely sometimes because i'm so different. i'm such a weird mish-mosh of things, but i guess that's why i can easily fit in with anyone, and easily go into chamelion mode and change so easily and forget who i am..........

i think i may just figured a bit of myself out....


it scares me to think of ever having a husband... i just can't see it happening, but i can't see myself without one either.

whatever... on to more joyful thoughts...

school is out and i'm obsessed with Twilight. (God? i want someone like that... just in case you didn't know..........). i could have finished the book tonight if i wanted, i'm not quite aware of just how tired i am, i think i could stay up all night if i wanted... but i don't want it to end.

this summer is probably going to be the best summer for a while. i'll be turning 21, i'll get my tattoos and nose pierced. mom and dad will no longer be able to tell me what to do, yet i'll still feel guilty when i drink or smoke hookah or stay out late or hang with people who aren't christian. this summer i'll be taking my last classes at cpcc and i'll finally get my dang associates degree. i'll be free, almost. hopefully by then i'll be settled into a church and surrounded by good friends. speaking of... i'm going to visit some other churches for sure come the new year. or maybe after this sunday. i can't believe it's almost christmas. i can only trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the right decision.... *sigh* if only i knew what that was, i wouldn't question it, i'd just do it.

i work tomorrow, and for once i kind of wish i didn't. i want to go visit an art museum and spend more time with my brother. i have to close, aaagain. which means i'll get little-no sleep before church sunday. maybe i should consider napping in my car during second service. though i don't think i'll be joining everyone for lunch, i want to try and catch up with old friends. and i guess i'll kill time until youth group.

i may have to slowly fade out of these peoples lives. i've done it before... too many times. i'm becoming good at it.