i just don't make sense

Why is it always that the hardest decisions to make are the right ones? Why can’t I just run? Why does Mute Math’s lyrics apply to my life so well… I’m ready.... I’m scared, but I’m ready…

You know the one thing you’re fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you’ve got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You’re gonna die to try what can’t be done
Gonna stay stay out but you don’t care
Now is there nothing like the inside of you anywhere
Spotlight - Mute Math.

I fear reading the Twilight books. I know right now I lack faith in the fact that a man who fits me exists. and from everything i'm told, the book makes you desire to be in a relationship unlike anything else, yet makes you feel hopeless in finding someone like Edward (the main character). I fear myself… I know I’m difficult and odd and I don’t make a lot of since and I’m wild and just want to be free. I hate rules and get bored easily. I don’t just take no for an answer, I need logic and reason for why I do what I do. But I hate hurting people. I hate disappointing people. I strangely don’t mind offending people… I just hate losing their trust. I’m messy and worry a lot and I love the night and the cold and the rain… I don’t make sense… I go against the grain… I stand up for my beliefs even if they’re wrong. As long as I’m convicted and am not proven wrong, I’ll hold on to that belief. But I lack confidence in myself. I still can’t seem to just be myself. I can’t seem to see myself the way others see me. and I know I’ll never be confident or content in anything or anyone until I have faith, confidence, and contentment in Christ. But it’s hard... I just desire the quality time, and to hear His voice, and to feel His warm embrace. I know He hunts after me like a deer after water. I know He desires a relationship with me unlike any other man could desire a relationship with his wife. I know He wants to protect me and shield me from all harm… but these facts don’t help when I just can’t feel Him.

This side of me… this physical side (in both the pure and impure sense) will be the death of me.