We're going public with this...

I read something really really encouraging today in Matthew. I've found myself really nervous to get my tattoo lately. I couldn't figure it out... why now? Why a month before I get it... all was going smoothly... it was like it literally just fell into place. But I couldn't help but be nervous. And finally I figured it out. I was letting others get to me....... "You’ll regret it" "it will look trashy" "you'll struggle finding a job" "don't you know all those stories are just stories? They aren't true??" "You want to get a WHALE SHARK?!".... etc.

But read this...

Matthew 5:10-16 (the message)

"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. "Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble. Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

As I read that I couldn't help but grin. It was like God was saying "Kendall stop! Be proud of who I’ve made you to be! Be proud of those hard lessons you learned. Now go and share what I’ve done in you... how you almost lost you faith, how I taught you not to worry or fear man, how I taught you that who you are on the inside is who you will eventually become on the outside."..... Or at least that's what it sounded like to me.

I want to be proud of who God made me. I want to be a light to this dark world, salt to this tasteless generation. I want to be like the disciples who rejoiced when hard times came their way. I want to stop worrying what people think of me and just be myself!

But really, I just want to be more like Christ...

first day

well my first day was not as bad as i had expected. funny how your attitude on stuff completely changes every thing. i was 15 minutes late because people are ridiculous, the teacher i have for math is CRAZY... she yells and is old and extremely strict, my biology lab is a bloody free for all, and my actual biology class is boring. but i've had all these teachers before, so i know what to expect. i usually get really irritated by people making me late, but whatever... it's the first day, stuff happens.

also a girl in my class is named Cinnamon... how can you not smile at that? hahaha...

Starting today i'm going to try to read through the new testament in 3o days.

and i'm ready for warm spring sunshine.

school and bad attitudes

tomorrow i start school. such a freakin bitter-sweet thing. i love having things to do. i hate just sitting around. but this isn't the most ideal "thing" i'd love to do with my time. i often question why i'm even in school. i have no idea what i'll do after. i have no idea if i'll even need my associates degree, but better safe than sorry i suppose. i have a bad attitude about it, i know i do. kinda like i did today during church.

it's hard to get myself out of a funk once i'm in one. or at least i can't do it on my own. i can try and just pray about it, but that just makes me focus on it more which causes me basically to be venting at God. the only thing that can get me out of it is to either A. take a nap, or B. have a friend make me laugh. i'm sort of still 5 years old at times. and i really don't want to be like this anymore.

i've been really struggling trusting God lately, and i don't have any idea why. you'd think after all i've been through i'd be able to just let go of stuff and know that in the end, God will take care of me. but i just can't. i've made amazing friends over the past couple weeks, and i'm really struggling not putting a wall up between them and me. they're amazing people, i have no reason to not trust them, so now it's just a fear issue. i'm scared i'll lose them... that something ridiculous will happen and i'll lose their friendship. because that is how it has always been my entire life with my friends. just when i get really close to them, something happens, and i lose them. i can't bear to lose any more friends right now. and the whole thought of this threw me into a massive funk the other day. the more i thought about it, the more scared and sad i got, and then it just flat out sucked.

i really feel like i need a solid woman in my life to sort of be a "mentor" type person to me. someone i can invest my heart in... that can know me inside and out and be horribly honest with me and keep me accountable. that'd be freakin sweet.

ok... sleep. school in the morning...

in case i ever forget.....

God does answer prayers.

been climbing trees, i've skinned my knees......

i visited Center City Church tonight. and let me just preface all this by saying i was really nervous to visit. almost so nervous to the point of not wanting to go. but, i did. there was a part of me that was really humble and open to everyone, but at the same time i had my usual wall up... giving the whole experience the stiff arm in a sense. because after all, it only takes falling down once to show you it hurts, a lot.

we all got to David (the pastor) and his wife's house tonight and hung out for about an hour and then we started the meeting by praying together for one of our good friends. i was trying so hard to be open and willing to hear what David had to say, but i just couldn't help but put everything he said into question. as he began sharing with us all that God has been teaching him over the past 4 months, i couldn't help but find myself relating so dearly to where his heart is at. and then, before i knew it, he was quoting my favorite passage in the bible, Matthew 6:26. and that is when i broke down. i've been crying a lot lately, and i'm ok with that. i'm very weak right now. i feel like a new born baby in a sense, very much alive and well, but weak and needing others to care for me and listen to me cry. after he finished, i found myself truly excited for them and for what God was doing through them. i really only had one question at the end of it all, and that was, how are you guys doing church differently? you keep saying you're doing it differently, but what does that mean? what does that look like? sound like? and before i knew it, i got it. it all suddenly made sense. and it's hard to put into words how they're doing things differently because it's completely different from EVERY OTHER CHURCH i've visited, ever, period. they are simply loving God with EVERYTHING they have, and in return it is making them into the most tender, genuine, and loving people i've ever met. i've never felt so free to be myself around them. they seem to get me, which is a weird feeling to experience. i'm so used to loving on people, i'm not sure how to feel about them loving on me. i'm used to being ran over and used. i must have cried 3 or 4 times tonight. i'm simply amazed by these people and how very Christian they are. and that is intense for me to say. i rarely want to call people Christians, but i feel in my own eyes that they are very much so Christ like and that they also very much are a great example of what church is supposed to look like. they aren't a show, they aren't lights or sounds or a website or just an idea... they are a group of people loving God and loving others the best way they can. they are literally doing church. they are trying their best to show others the freedom they have found in Christ. and that love and passion is horribly contagious. not say they're perfect, because i am sure without a shadow of a doubt, in some way shape or form they will mess up, and that is ok. because my joy is not found in them, my joy is found in Christ. but i cannot help but be excited to see what Christ is doing in all of this. i don't know if this is where God is calling me... it seems highly likely that this is where i'll end up. but that is only me saying that because they have a very similar heart as i do. but, i want God's will. i'm tired of forcing my own will into my life. it just doesn't fit.

heart issue

it's amazing how two people can do the exact same thing but only one person can be justified in their action because of the state in which their heart is at.

my mom and i some how find ourselves talking about me getting a tattoo a lot. it's kind of tiring, i can't lie. because she's scared i'll regret it. and the more she talks about me regretting it, the more i'm becoming fearful of getting it. but i don't want to let that sway my decision. as we sat and talked about this today we got on the conversation about how everything goes back to the condition in which your heart is in. your motives behind doing that "thing."

like for example. sometimes i don't push myself to go to the gym because i know that the only reason i want to go is because i want to look hot. that's not the right reason. it should be me being concerned for my health that motivates me to go to the gym and eat right. or another example would be drinking alcohol. there's nothing wrong with drinking alcohol, but what is wrong when you use alcohol to medicate your problems or try to look "cool" because you're drinking.

it's just a funny thing how two people can do the exact same thing (get a tattoo, try really hard to eat right and work out, drinking... etc...) but one person has no right to be doing that thing while the other is totally justified.

it's a heart issue sort of thing.

power of prayer

all i can do is sit here in awe at how amazing God worked everything out in my life. i seriously do not even know how to put into words how... joyful, i am. but, i will try to explain...

not long ago i was letting go of friends who i thought were good for me, but were only pulling me down. i sat on my bedroom floor crying and praying wondering how I'd make it through this tough time. I'm not good alone. i seriously start wigging out. I've been praying that God would bring friends along who i could be a part of something big with, some sort of ministry. a group of friends who lifted me up and saw things the way God has taught me to see. not to say I'm perfect or see things exactly right, but just a group of friends who would have a similar heart as mine. similar passions... and I'm seriously shaking my head in awe at how God has done JUST that. i met this kid Will about a week ago through a mutual friend of ours. he invited me to come hang out with his friends one night at their place. i was honestly really hesitant for the first time in my life. i don't know why, but I've never been so nervous to hang out with a group of people i didn't know in my entire life. but I've never felt more comfortable around a group of people as i did that night. as we all sat there in a circle laughing and talking about life i couldn't help but realize that i was among good people and good company. they all welcomed me in so whole heartily. and then tonight, we all hung out again.........

today was by far one of the strangest days I've had in a long time. i woke up feeling fine. but as my day got going, i just felt, off. like something was wrong or like i had forgotten something but couldn't remember. and then as the day grew on, it turned from a curious feeling to a panicked feeling. i came home from being with a good friend of mine and i called my mom and i literally stood in my kitchen and cried on the phone to my mom. i was terrified. i hadn't felt like this in a long time... the last time i felt like this was when i was on a mission trip and there was a spiritual war-fare going on around me. all i had asked my mom was "have you ever had days where you just felt like something was wrong, but you couldn't figure it out?" and all she said was "yes... like today" that was when i started crying, because she felt the same way. i KNEW something wasn't right but didn't know what. so i packed up my bag and just got out of my house as fast as i could. something was NOT right, but i didn't know. as i drove home i prayed and cried asking God to free me from this, to protect me and my family... and by the time i got to my parents house i felt like i could finally breath. i came in and sat on my parents couch and then before i knew it, all was calm and i felt fine. and then... Will called me. everyone was going to go hang out again. and i can't lie, i got way more excited than i needed to be, but i was stoked that they all wanted to hang out with ME again. because I'm ridiculous, i don't make sense and i have a strong heart. i know what i believe and I'm not afraid to stand up for it. OK that's not always true. but I'm getting better at it..... but i have a strange sense of humor and a huge heart for God and people and i seriously just feel like i'm such a weird mix of things that it does NOT make sense....... but anyways.... we all hung out again tonight. and i can NOT tell you how amazed i am at all this. God literally has answered my prayer in almost exact detail. and the thing is, even if God chooses to take this away from me too, i can look back and laugh at the memories, i can be thankful for that break and that moment to breath and be with good people. the ability to see that there ARE good people on this earth... there are solid Christians who ACTUALLY GET IT. and i can let go and trust that God will take care of me and be truly thankful for Him blessing me with these awesome moments.

because truly, all i need is Him.