all day my heart didn't feel right. it got worse as the day went on... by the time i left work... i literally felt as if my heart was being held down like that of Macy Day Parade float. but i found refreshment in Christ. he set my heart free and let if fly.
i'll sleep peacefully now. God will you give me rest tonight? will you allow me catch up on the hours lost? God will you tune my heart to your beat? will you make my will obedient to my intellect? better yet, make it obedient to yours... not mine. will you help me to let go Father? will you take off this heavy yoke? i'll never be good enough God... i'll never measure up... but please know i'm trying. God will you give me the confidence of a tiger? yet just as humble they are. will you keep my heart teachable and tender to your voice.
God i'll be your servant... i'll be your flame that roars as your angels help fan me into life...
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
More birds
But wait..... Wouldn't I rather be free as a bird? The real expression
of love is when I would choose to come be around my owner. He would
take care of me while I was out in the scary world. He would provide
shelter and food that was high up off the ground where nothing could
harm me. Maybe THAT'S real love. Maybe I was wrong. I wouldn't want to
know there was a bigger more beautiful world out there but not be
TRUSTED to go explore and learn. I would rather be allowed to fall a
few times than be kept up far away from all harm just so I could
experience real love, real trust, real joy.
of love is when I would choose to come be around my owner. He would
take care of me while I was out in the scary world. He would provide
shelter and food that was high up off the ground where nothing could
harm me. Maybe THAT'S real love. Maybe I was wrong. I wouldn't want to
know there was a bigger more beautiful world out there but not be
TRUSTED to go explore and learn. I would rather be allowed to fall a
few times than be kept up far away from all harm just so I could
experience real love, real trust, real joy.
I always compare people to animals... It's just one of those things I
do. Most of the time guys are some type of dog, and girls are some
kind of cat. But I could never figure out what I was... I think
maybe... I'm a bird...
Monday, January 19, 2009
is ignorance really bliss?
I've been thinking all day about how i think about birds in comparison to how God thinks about us.
i for so long swore I'd never own a bird. i just didn't think it was fair to put the poor thing in a cage when it should be free. birds weren't meant to stay cooped up in bars... it's why they have beautiful wings. but, as i thought about them, and about God... i began to wonder if that's how God sees us. except that our mind is our "cage." i wonder why God made us smart enough to know there are answers to life's greatest questions, just not smart enough to understand the answers. but, would i rather be lost in ignorance, or know there's more to life and try to figure it out? is ignorance really bliss? would i, if i were a bird, rather know and see that there was a bigger world out there and be able to at least look at it, or just stay safely away from the truth? would i rather have an owner try to give me the best life it could, while still keeping me safe, or stay in a small cage with a slew of other ignorant birds? it's only that because of how i was raised that I'm not aloud out in the open...... it's not safe. but if i, by nature, hate ignorance, wouldn't i rather get as close to truth as i could and as far away from ignorance? if i were a bird, i would want that... i would want to be as far away from the masses of ignorance........ and so now i, as a young learning human, want a bird. i want to give it the best life it can have without letting it get harmed. i want it to know there's more to life, and show it what i can. i want to set it free from the crowded messy masses of ignorant birds. let it live the best life it can.
i for so long swore I'd never own a bird. i just didn't think it was fair to put the poor thing in a cage when it should be free. birds weren't meant to stay cooped up in bars... it's why they have beautiful wings. but, as i thought about them, and about God... i began to wonder if that's how God sees us. except that our mind is our "cage." i wonder why God made us smart enough to know there are answers to life's greatest questions, just not smart enough to understand the answers. but, would i rather be lost in ignorance, or know there's more to life and try to figure it out? is ignorance really bliss? would i, if i were a bird, rather know and see that there was a bigger world out there and be able to at least look at it, or just stay safely away from the truth? would i rather have an owner try to give me the best life it could, while still keeping me safe, or stay in a small cage with a slew of other ignorant birds? it's only that because of how i was raised that I'm not aloud out in the open...... it's not safe. but if i, by nature, hate ignorance, wouldn't i rather get as close to truth as i could and as far away from ignorance? if i were a bird, i would want that... i would want to be as far away from the masses of ignorance........ and so now i, as a young learning human, want a bird. i want to give it the best life it can have without letting it get harmed. i want it to know there's more to life, and show it what i can. i want to set it free from the crowded messy masses of ignorant birds. let it live the best life it can.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Elephant Woman
things have, and have not, changed so much for the current mindset that I've come to as of recent. most things in life only cause me to question my religion more and more. it's why i've come to the conclusion that by the worlds definition, i am not a Christian. but by the Bible's definition, i am. though i'm still curious as to how some things work within all that.
here are some of the questions i've thought up as of recent:
1. what is a sin, and what is just a bad decision?
likewise,
2. is an action bad because it has bad consequences, or could an action be good in itself, but just have poor consequences? for example, i get told i'm flirty, a lot... but i'm not trying to be. i'm just nice and outgoing. i love people, and i love to love on people. and unfortunately because i've been hurt by so many girls in deeper ways than guys, and because of how i was raised, i tend to cling to guys before girls. but sometimes my "niceness" has negative consequences. so does that mean that it's bad that i'm being nice?
3. why does God allow others to suffer for His glory? why do others have to die, just so that others can know about Him?
4. why is there such a pull to that which is wrong, if it is so wrong? we have a pull to know Christ just like we have a pull towards sin.
5. Why does God make us intelligent enough to know that there are answers to all these things, but not quite smart enough to understand the answer? though i suppose if we knew all the answers, we'd be just like God.
i did however get into a very good discussion with a close friend of mine. actually, i consider him like a brother to me. i had asked him why homosexuality is wrong...... if God is love, and He calls us to treat others how we would like to be treated, then doesn't it seem contradictory for him to tell us not be homosexual? his response was that basically, outside the context of marriage, homosexuality AND heterosexuality are wrong. but when we look at the biblical context of what marriage is, it is SPECIFICALLY between JUST a MAN and a WOMAN.
but that leads me to another question:
what is sexual immorality? what all does that include?
we also got into the conversation about free-will. that was a comforting conversation.
true love... i don't know if i'll ever understand true love.
if nothing else, i take comfort in the fact that MAYBE if Christ was here in human form again, he'd be pretty pissed off (maybe not in so many words) at the church and what Christianity has become, just like i am. i'm so tired of the fake "cheesyness" it has become. people litterally think we are closed-minded idiots. we're scared, and we give pathetic answers for intense deep questions.............. or maybe that's just what i think of Christians these days. i can't help but question how it is possible that i've been a christian most of my life and been in the church my whole life, yet i don't know the answers to ANY of these questions.
what's even more sad, is that i was sheltered all growing up. i never had non-christian friends. i was too scared to try to make friends with them. i had the idea that i'd some how be led into sin if i was around them. yet after these 20 short years, i've finally become very good friends with a non-christian, and he's the first person to truly accept me, not judge me, love on me, understand me, set me free, challenge me....... yet all the while, never hurting me. what does that say about Christians?
i have a lot of books i need to read...
~ I don't have enough faith to be an athiest by frank turek.
~ sermon on the mount by Emmet Fox
~ conversations with God (can't remember the author)
~ animal farm
~ and i still have to finish twilight (yeah yeah, shut up...)
i'm not much of a reader, but i want to be. i'd just rather spend time with people made of flesh and bones instead of those made of paper and ink.
my best friend told me today amidst frustrated tears and sniffles to "stop being who i think i am, and start being who i am" he also said, "the only obligation which i have a right to assume is to do at any time what i think is right"
Title by Blonde Redhead
here are some of the questions i've thought up as of recent:
1. what is a sin, and what is just a bad decision?
likewise,
2. is an action bad because it has bad consequences, or could an action be good in itself, but just have poor consequences? for example, i get told i'm flirty, a lot... but i'm not trying to be. i'm just nice and outgoing. i love people, and i love to love on people. and unfortunately because i've been hurt by so many girls in deeper ways than guys, and because of how i was raised, i tend to cling to guys before girls. but sometimes my "niceness" has negative consequences. so does that mean that it's bad that i'm being nice?
3. why does God allow others to suffer for His glory? why do others have to die, just so that others can know about Him?
4. why is there such a pull to that which is wrong, if it is so wrong? we have a pull to know Christ just like we have a pull towards sin.
5. Why does God make us intelligent enough to know that there are answers to all these things, but not quite smart enough to understand the answer? though i suppose if we knew all the answers, we'd be just like God.
i did however get into a very good discussion with a close friend of mine. actually, i consider him like a brother to me. i had asked him why homosexuality is wrong...... if God is love, and He calls us to treat others how we would like to be treated, then doesn't it seem contradictory for him to tell us not be homosexual? his response was that basically, outside the context of marriage, homosexuality AND heterosexuality are wrong. but when we look at the biblical context of what marriage is, it is SPECIFICALLY between JUST a MAN and a WOMAN.
but that leads me to another question:
what is sexual immorality? what all does that include?
we also got into the conversation about free-will. that was a comforting conversation.
true love... i don't know if i'll ever understand true love.
if nothing else, i take comfort in the fact that MAYBE if Christ was here in human form again, he'd be pretty pissed off (maybe not in so many words) at the church and what Christianity has become, just like i am. i'm so tired of the fake "cheesyness" it has become. people litterally think we are closed-minded idiots. we're scared, and we give pathetic answers for intense deep questions.............. or maybe that's just what i think of Christians these days. i can't help but question how it is possible that i've been a christian most of my life and been in the church my whole life, yet i don't know the answers to ANY of these questions.
what's even more sad, is that i was sheltered all growing up. i never had non-christian friends. i was too scared to try to make friends with them. i had the idea that i'd some how be led into sin if i was around them. yet after these 20 short years, i've finally become very good friends with a non-christian, and he's the first person to truly accept me, not judge me, love on me, understand me, set me free, challenge me....... yet all the while, never hurting me. what does that say about Christians?
i have a lot of books i need to read...
~ I don't have enough faith to be an athiest by frank turek.
~ sermon on the mount by Emmet Fox
~ conversations with God (can't remember the author)
~ animal farm
~ and i still have to finish twilight (yeah yeah, shut up...)
i'm not much of a reader, but i want to be. i'd just rather spend time with people made of flesh and bones instead of those made of paper and ink.
my best friend told me today amidst frustrated tears and sniffles to "stop being who i think i am, and start being who i am" he also said, "the only obligation which i have a right to assume is to do at any time what i think is right"
Title by Blonde Redhead
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
sometimes songs fit better than words
God, let her listen
With ears to the ground.
Let voiceless approval
Turn into sound.
In death there are hidden, invisible keys
That only when swallowed
Reveal where they lead.
Life is a mess
We wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth.
Is this a graveyard
To bury her heart?
Or is it a garden,
Where new life will start.
‘Cause God, when life here ends,
We’ll beg you for more.
In temper we’ll hate you,
But please keep no score.
Life, it is a mess we wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth
Keep no Score by Sleeping at Last
With ears to the ground.
Let voiceless approval
Turn into sound.
In death there are hidden, invisible keys
That only when swallowed
Reveal where they lead.
Life is a mess
We wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth.
Is this a graveyard
To bury her heart?
Or is it a garden,
Where new life will start.
‘Cause God, when life here ends,
We’ll beg you for more.
In temper we’ll hate you,
But please keep no score.
Life, it is a mess we wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth
Keep no Score by Sleeping at Last
Friday, January 09, 2009
air and fire
In speaking of the angels He says,
"He makes his angels winds,
his servants flames of fire."
Hebrews 1:7
i have a new appreciation of the wind.
"He makes his angels winds,
his servants flames of fire."
Hebrews 1:7
i have a new appreciation of the wind.
sweet honey lies
i'm broken.
i feel like my heart has finally fallen into the pit of my heart to release old ghosts screaming lies in their hypnotic honey sweet voices. nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. i'll never deny that there is a God, i just can't believe that the God of the Bible is true... meaning... when i read about God, i can't help but see the Biblical God as hypocritical and heartless. maybe i'm missing something... but my God is not like that... The God i've come to know and love is refreshing and creative and loving and merciful.
but when i read the Bible, my heart sinks and drowns. how depressing is it that not even in our thoughts we are free from sin? i can't control my thoughts, i'll never be free from sin... why did God make me us this way? why did He make it so that we would never be able to escape sin? why does he tell us to love, yet tell us not to love (i'm speaking in terms of homosexuality)? why has the church twisted so much of scripture?!
i'm burnt out... Christianity has left a nasty stale taste in my mouth and i get a sinking angry feeling at most if not all things Christian. i honestly can NOT handle it anymore........ i'm going mental.
i feel like i need to start over... start fresh... go back to the basics and try again.
Little Girl i Say to You, Get Up.
- Mark 5
i feel like my heart has finally fallen into the pit of my heart to release old ghosts screaming lies in their hypnotic honey sweet voices. nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. i'll never deny that there is a God, i just can't believe that the God of the Bible is true... meaning... when i read about God, i can't help but see the Biblical God as hypocritical and heartless. maybe i'm missing something... but my God is not like that... The God i've come to know and love is refreshing and creative and loving and merciful.
but when i read the Bible, my heart sinks and drowns. how depressing is it that not even in our thoughts we are free from sin? i can't control my thoughts, i'll never be free from sin... why did God make me us this way? why did He make it so that we would never be able to escape sin? why does he tell us to love, yet tell us not to love (i'm speaking in terms of homosexuality)? why has the church twisted so much of scripture?!
i'm burnt out... Christianity has left a nasty stale taste in my mouth and i get a sinking angry feeling at most if not all things Christian. i honestly can NOT handle it anymore........ i'm going mental.
i feel like i need to start over... start fresh... go back to the basics and try again.
Little Girl i Say to You, Get Up.
- Mark 5
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
young blood
please know that as i write the next bit that i mean no harm. that my heart is at peace and just wants to know truth. that I'm not asking these things out of defiance but just out of curiosity and the love of truth.
***************
the church has royally failed us. why is it that people who have been Christians almost their whole life still do not know why they are Christians? why is it that we don't know how to prove the truth of Christianity? the church should have taught us these things... but instead they've lost focus. they compete with one another. they no longer measure the greatness of the church by the way they are challenging people in their relationship with Christ but by the number of people attending. yet it's the churches that challenge people the most that are suffering the greatest.
We, i'm including myself in this one, are probably some of the most retched people i've ever met. if you just watch us, you'll see how crafty we've become. lying to those in authority because we can't handle the rules. being nice to people, and then the second their back is turned we chew them out. we don't stop and listen to peoples hearts, but watch their actions and are quick to judge each other. we don't have that right to judge others. no one does. if we could only just stop and hear through the words and see the heart, we would see something so much different. we have made things far more difficult than they need to be. we push our beliefs on others and make good people feel foolish. we keep our noses in the airs as if we are better than everyone else. we won't be friends with you, and heaven forbid we even THINK about dating you, if you don't agree with us. and if we do, it's only because we're trying to convert you... we don't really care about you.
i'm beginning to not trust what i've been taught anymore. it just doesn't make sense. could some one, anyone, please give me the answers to these questions... i just want to know truth...
why is it wrong to be homosexual? and don't give me that crap about "well, because the bible says so" because that only makes me question more. if God is love and tells us to love one another as we would want to be loved, then why would he turn right around and say that homosexuality is wrong? how do we know that that was meant just for that time? that maybe it was, sorry but i'm about to cross a line, unclean. that the way homosexuals have intercourse was just unclean during that time?
how do we know the Bible is actually 100% true? if the bible was written by man, and man is flawed, then how could the bible not have errors within it? and don't tell me that it was written by God, because it wasn't... it was INSPIRED by God. God doesn't have a body.
what is sin and what is just a bad decision? Jesus taught us many things about life. but what was it that he taught that was actual sin, and what was just him advising us against doing certain things. like we would try to tell a best friend not to do some things because we know that that action has sucky consequences.
what all encompasses sexual immorality? is it prostitution? sex? oral sex?
why is it so hard to be a Christian? if God wanted everyone to choose him, why did he make it so hard? some have told me that it's like a test... a test to see who truly loves him and wants to be his "children." but God knew what we would do... he knew what we would choose... why would he forsake us like that? and then as if almost to cover up his mistake he had to let his son... his own flesh and blood... the very essence of himself in the form of man... suffer unlike any other person of the face of this planet suffer just so that after all those hundreds of years, we could choose God again.
doesn't it all just seem so hopeless? we aren't even safe from sin in our own minds... i don't know about you, but i can't control my thoughts... no matter how hard i try. in fact the harder i try the more i think about it. i'll never be able to escape sin. i'll never be good enough. it just seems so deathly discouraging once you realize just how horrid you are in the eyes of God.
i don't doubt there's a God. all of this (galaxies, humanity, creation) truly couldn't have just come from nothing. it just doesn't make sense. i just don't know what to believe anymore. what is it that is really true, and not just something that i've been taught by the flawed church as i've grown up? churches take so many things out of context. i hate churches these days... part of me just doesn't want to go. but i need friends, i need time to worship God and be in community with people who some what believe what i believe. at least we all can agree on the fact that God exists.
grasping, reaching, trying, giving. trying to do anything for that spark. come back to me oh faith. come back to me oh young blood. let these actions prove my faith. if only i can act enough to restore this blood... for i know my actions prove my faith.
"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation."
- Thomas Dewar
***************
the church has royally failed us. why is it that people who have been Christians almost their whole life still do not know why they are Christians? why is it that we don't know how to prove the truth of Christianity? the church should have taught us these things... but instead they've lost focus. they compete with one another. they no longer measure the greatness of the church by the way they are challenging people in their relationship with Christ but by the number of people attending. yet it's the churches that challenge people the most that are suffering the greatest.
We, i'm including myself in this one, are probably some of the most retched people i've ever met. if you just watch us, you'll see how crafty we've become. lying to those in authority because we can't handle the rules. being nice to people, and then the second their back is turned we chew them out. we don't stop and listen to peoples hearts, but watch their actions and are quick to judge each other. we don't have that right to judge others. no one does. if we could only just stop and hear through the words and see the heart, we would see something so much different. we have made things far more difficult than they need to be. we push our beliefs on others and make good people feel foolish. we keep our noses in the airs as if we are better than everyone else. we won't be friends with you, and heaven forbid we even THINK about dating you, if you don't agree with us. and if we do, it's only because we're trying to convert you... we don't really care about you.
i'm beginning to not trust what i've been taught anymore. it just doesn't make sense. could some one, anyone, please give me the answers to these questions... i just want to know truth...
why is it wrong to be homosexual? and don't give me that crap about "well, because the bible says so" because that only makes me question more. if God is love and tells us to love one another as we would want to be loved, then why would he turn right around and say that homosexuality is wrong? how do we know that that was meant just for that time? that maybe it was, sorry but i'm about to cross a line, unclean. that the way homosexuals have intercourse was just unclean during that time?
how do we know the Bible is actually 100% true? if the bible was written by man, and man is flawed, then how could the bible not have errors within it? and don't tell me that it was written by God, because it wasn't... it was INSPIRED by God. God doesn't have a body.
what is sin and what is just a bad decision? Jesus taught us many things about life. but what was it that he taught that was actual sin, and what was just him advising us against doing certain things. like we would try to tell a best friend not to do some things because we know that that action has sucky consequences.
what all encompasses sexual immorality? is it prostitution? sex? oral sex?
why is it so hard to be a Christian? if God wanted everyone to choose him, why did he make it so hard? some have told me that it's like a test... a test to see who truly loves him and wants to be his "children." but God knew what we would do... he knew what we would choose... why would he forsake us like that? and then as if almost to cover up his mistake he had to let his son... his own flesh and blood... the very essence of himself in the form of man... suffer unlike any other person of the face of this planet suffer just so that after all those hundreds of years, we could choose God again.
doesn't it all just seem so hopeless? we aren't even safe from sin in our own minds... i don't know about you, but i can't control my thoughts... no matter how hard i try. in fact the harder i try the more i think about it. i'll never be able to escape sin. i'll never be good enough. it just seems so deathly discouraging once you realize just how horrid you are in the eyes of God.
i don't doubt there's a God. all of this (galaxies, humanity, creation) truly couldn't have just come from nothing. it just doesn't make sense. i just don't know what to believe anymore. what is it that is really true, and not just something that i've been taught by the flawed church as i've grown up? churches take so many things out of context. i hate churches these days... part of me just doesn't want to go. but i need friends, i need time to worship God and be in community with people who some what believe what i believe. at least we all can agree on the fact that God exists.
grasping, reaching, trying, giving. trying to do anything for that spark. come back to me oh faith. come back to me oh young blood. let these actions prove my faith. if only i can act enough to restore this blood... for i know my actions prove my faith.
"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation."
- Thomas Dewar
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