do the choo choo

i talked to my mom last night about everything going on. i realized through our conversation it wasn't just the whole break up with kyle that had me so bent out of shape... it was a lot of little things on top of the break up. they are things i won't go into on here, but i think for the most part i felt an extreme pressure from school and having to break up with kyle just kind of made everything blow up in my face. so through the conversation, i ended up feeling a heck of a lot better AAANDDDD i found out out one awesome thing. i thought in order to go to CIU this fall, i had to pass these 2 history courses i am taking. well i don't!!! they were the ones that were killing me. so my mom let me withdrawal from them and just focus on my computer course and english. it kind of stinks though... i was just getting to know three kids in my history class. but pfff... i'm so over that class! haha... so i'm feeling better today. i admit i still miss kyle, but time will fix everything. ok well, back to work i go!

updating

so things are still... hard i guess. i know i'm making the right decisions now, but i'm still hurting. why do some of the best decisions hurt so much? i just keep praying... asking God to take it all away.
anyways... enough on that... school sucks right now, but i only have 22 days left! YAY! and it's 10 days until my birthday! w00t! so i'm really just ready for our family vacation... for school to be over, for more time to do things like workout and clean and take pictures and have a social life. i don't know what to do... i'm sick of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself, but i don't know what to do...
GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

prayer request

hey, so i have a prayer request... i don't think it'd be wise to go into specifics on here, but just basically, i'm really struggling with some things going on my life. it's just following God's will. i know He's asked some really hard things of me lately and though i've agreed to follow him... i find myself hurting a lot over this decision. i know in the long run i'll probably be ok... but why must it hurt so much?
*God give me strength, give me wisdom, help me to trust in you. help me to find these things IN YOU. God i need you. help me father... help me...*

bored

The Best Myspace Survey
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::	Dark Brown
Hair Color::	naturally, dark brown, currently, brown with a few highlights
Height::	5'4"
Favorite Color::	it's a tie between red and green
Screen Name::	that's nunya business
Favorite Band::	MUTE MATH!
Favorite Movie::	again, a tie between the princess bride and the notebook
Favorite Show::	Gilmore Girls
Your Car::	91 Honda Accord
Your Hometown::	Charlotte NC
Your Present Town::	Charlotte, NC
Your Crushes First Name::	_____
Your Grade::	freshmen in college
Your Style::	i don't have one, i kinda made up my own
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	i wish
Kissed someone in the rain?:	no :(
Danced in a public place?:	always!
Smiled for no reason?:	yes :-D
Laughed so hard you cried?:	hahaha that's the best laugh
Peed your pants after age 8?:	hahah no
Written a song?:	not really
Sang to someone for no reason?:	haha yes i think so
Performed on a stage?:	yes
Talked to someone you don't know?:	yup
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	yes
Made out in a theatre?:	hiudfghdmaybeghj;duhjfgu;ih
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	rollerblading
Been in love?:	maybe...
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	i dunno...
Tell you, I love you?:	my mom
Kiss you?:	my mom last night when she kissed me g'night
Hug you?:	ryan :)
Tell you BYE?:	ryan haha
Write you a note?:	my mom
Take your photo?:	uuuh... my mom?
Call your cell phone?:	ryan
Buy you something?:	mom
Go with you to the movies?:	family
Sing to you?:	i don't think anyone has sang to me
Write a poem about you?:	wes :-D
Text message you?:	kyle
Touch you?:	in what way? spiritually, emotionally, physically?
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	just recently
Time you cried?:	not too long ago at all... today actually
Movie you watched?:	Harry Potter, Chamber of Secrets
Joke you told?:	i dunno
Song you've sang?:	real gone by sheryl crow
Time you've looked at the clock?:	just now :) haha... 10:55 pm
Drink you've had?:	diet coke
Number you've dialed?:	ryan
Book you've read?:	just some short stories from my english book
Food you've eaten?:	quesadillas from On The Border
Flavor of gum chewed?:	spearmint
Shoes you've worn?:	pumas
Store you've been in?:	walmart
Thing you've said?:	i can't remember
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	i'm not that cool
Whistle?:	uh huh
Blow a bubble?:	yup
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	uh huh
Cross your eyes?:	no, when i try my eyes twitch
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	no
Dance?:	yes, very well too
Gleek?:	haha... sometimes
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	uh huh
Speak a different language?:	only a few phrases in like spanish and portuguese and french
Impersonate someone?:	sometimes
Prank call people?:	i get too giggley haha
Make a card pyramid?:	yes
Cook anything?:	yes
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:	model, i'd be anorexic
I wish ...:	i didn't have school during the summer
So many people don't know that ...:	i can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tungue
I am ...:	imperfect
My heart is ...:	caring
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

early b'day present

my friend Wes wanted to give me an early b'day present because i've been having a somewhat blegh day... here it is... he wrote me a poem :)
You are now eighteen
It has been another year
I promised to stick behind you
And you know im still here
Your friendship to me
Means more than u know
I love you to death
And I always let it show
You have the looks of an angel
And a heart of gold
I hope you never change
Until you become old
You are now eighteen
Our friendship is strong
The world is your oyster
What could go wrong



yay :) it helped... Thank you Wes :)
but i'm still trying to get these feelings figured out. i just miss kyle. i'm not going to lie. that's what is bothering me. i've never hurt so much after any relationship. infact, i sometimes feel better! but for once, my heart feels broken. i need God

home again

so orientation for school was a blast and i met lots and lots of cool people. i learned a couple of new fun card games and a pool table game and i got to play a 5 on 5 game of soccer... guys and against girls and the girls def. won! w00t! the girls and i are planning on getting on the soccer team this fall :) one of which was my room mate! weeee!! she's awesome. i'm really excited about the school year. it's going to be a blast :-D
but currently i feel like $%^&! i've had a headache all day long, and i keep having dizzy spells and i'm just tired and yeah. oh and i missed a test for my world civ class duirofguhidg crap... and he won't let me retake it. ugh... i'm so tired of everything! school, drama, cruddy feelings... i really just want to go to bed right now, but i have to get my clothes washed for in the morning.
*sigh*
ok i'm going to just go chill on the coach and watch tv and relax until my clothes finish washing. mleh... g'night

it's going to be ok

so i finally got the official chance to tell kyle i didn't want to be with him anymore... and it went so well. i mean like i'm crying because it went so well! hahah usually i'm crying because it hurt so much. but he took it like a real gentlemen. he just said i fully respect your wishes and now i think we can have a real chance to get to know eachother. :) he still wants to be my friend and we even ended the conversation laughing... i always knew i loved the kid... he's a cool guy. God is in control again... i'm done trying to figure out this whole guy stuff... i'm def. going to just chill and let God take control :) probably a lot easier that way.

insert profane word here

this day could officially not get much worse... yeah things didn't work out between kyle and i... i thought things were ok, but yeah i was wrong... we just disagree on too much. so i went with my sis to go shopping to get my mind off of it... things weren't fitting right, but i ended up getting things on sale that were cute... so ok yeah that helped... then i got home and all hell broke loose. first i found out i missed the Dave Matthews concert... i'm waaaaay ticked... but yeah... oh well. then i realized i not only have a paper i have to finish up, but i have about 3 hours worth of classes i missed that i have to watch in the library... they were on TV and i had missed them. then i saw that i bombed the first 2 tests i took (2 different classes), then i have to pack and just SDGJHIDFGJHDFOGHJDFIOGHDFIHJDFIOGHJ!!!!! all of this i have to do by 4pm tomorrow... ugh... i need to just go to bed. i'm so tired, my tummy hurts, my head hurts, and my knee hurts.
*God help me... i need you right now*

lucky rocketship underpants don't always help

so i've come to the conclusion that Kyle and i shouldn't be together. the more i got to know him, the more i saw that he wasn't right for me. i need him to be more of a spiritual leader in our relationship. i have told him that, but he doesn't understand, and i don't know how to tell him what it is. i wish i could change him, i wish i could make him into a completely sold out Christian. it's not that i doubt his faith, it's just that i don't see him seeking after Christ... and he's not encouraging me like i need him to. i'm losing focus and not spending time like i used to with christ... i miss that... i miss journaling and reading and all of that. i don't blame him for taking that away, because i know he didn't. i just allowed myself to focus on him, and not Christ. i have no hard feelings against Kyle and i have no regrets about the relationship we had. it just sucks, because i know that it will be hard to go back to being friends, if not impossible... so i essentially feel like i'm losing one of my best friends. maybe with time things will work out... maybe with time God will make him into the God fearing man i desire in my life.......... but for now..... i wait and hope. i will always love him, and i will always hope the best for him...... i just hope he doesn't hate me.

and i wish i could stop crying..........

a taugh tuesday

i hate reading... well not really... just i can't stand sitting and reading for hours on end, especially if it's something i don't enjoy reading. but yeah... i had to read a lot of history stuff. it's just SO much to remember.
i hate CPCC. they lie and mess up my transcript and tell me things to do that don't work. yeeeaaah... i'm about ready to punch them in the face, or as kyle says, break their knees :)
but really today wasn't too bad. just, lil things can be annoying. and i'm hungry, and sitting in class... i'm going to go get a snack now... KBYE!!

sick sunday

i've felt like dirt all day. well it's come and gone really... i basically have just felt tired and then for the last bit until i just got a shower i felt like i had been beaten up and/or ran over by a truck. but the shower helped. today has been really weird. i've had a lot on my mind. my mom and i talked a lot last night about this guy i like. i want to give him a chance, i hardly know him... yet i feel as if i've known him all my life. he's quickly become a great friend to me, and for all know this may be all that he is to me. we discussed "us" a little tonight and nothing has really changed between us. but i'm not satisfied yet. there is so much more i wish to know about him... for example...
what is his stand point on christianity and such?
does he believe the bible is 100% true (despite the fact that it can be really hard to understand)?
could he be a good spiritual leader to me?
i know i need to get the guts to ask him these things, but i'm scared of losing him. i can honestly say i've never met a guy like him. i've never laughed so much with one guy, felt so close, felt so free to talk to him... so free to be me. i don't want to lose him... but if he can't prove to me to be that kind of guy i know i need, then i guess... it wasn't meant to be.
i won't compromise again, but i sure as anything can't ask him to compromise either... i just really like him.

i will no longer deny my God, but i will deny myself for Him.

fumbling on a friday

have you ever tried to chase a sunset? it's fun, but not easy.

i keep having nightmares. almost every single night for a while now i've been having nightmares and i'm not sure why. i haven't watched anything that could cause it. i don't know...
but i hate school. yeah yeah i know... i go back and forth saying whether i like being in school or not. i'm just tired you know? i want a break. i think i'd be content just working and not doing school for the summer, but i don't really have that choice. i've had to end up missing 2ish days of work now because of school. not so sure what to do about that. the good news is that i'm just working for my mom, so i can do this if i need to. my parents are way paranoid i'm going to screw up again this semester. sometimes i really just wish i could live my life with out them telling me what to do. i realized last night that all my life i've grown up being told what to do, where to be, and what to believe and have never questioned it. i'm not saying i don't believe in God or anything like that... but i don't know... i just started thinking about the way i've been raised and i don't know how i feel about it all. like my curfew for example. why can't you let me just stay out. at CIU i'd be able to stay out (at least 'til 2am). i'm just a night person. i like staying out at night it's a lot of fun. but i'm just ranting and raving so i'm going to stop. my arms ache and i'm sick of nightmares and confused thoughts and wishing and wanting and just AGH. i need to get this crappy homework done and just go sit and read the bible. i know that will help me. it has and always will.