on repeat.

sometimes i feel the best thing for me right now is to just get away and sit and think. to get away from everyone and anyone. to stop listening to the biased opinions of others and dig deep into God and myself and figure all this out.

i had lunch with my mom today. i always love talking to my mom, but sometimes i wish i could be a little more open with her about my life. there are just some things i KNOW i can't tell her OR my dad. they'd be disappointed. worried. maybe even shocked and disgusted. ok maybe not that far. but you get my point.


but i keep coming back to this point in my life. i keep coming back to this bitter lonely feeling about Christianity. my mom basically quoted Gandhi without realizing it today at lunch. she told me, "Kendall it's not Christianity you hate, it's the Christians." and i suppose she is right. though christianity still terrifies me. i know it's not this religion where you have to do your best and then you'll get into heaven... not a sort of Santa Claus belief ("if you're a good little boy/girl Santa will bring you a present!" but i just don't ever feel good enough. i don't understand why some of the most mean and hurtful people are Christians. why so many people in churches have screwed me and my family over. but you know, i've only seen this through the lens of a Christian. i've never seen the way other beliefs work. if others have been hurt through other religions and belief systems. i suppose this is what it all comes down to:

Why does God tell us not to do the things He tells us not to do?

because this is where i'm getting worn thin with Christianity, and i feel like i'm going to be repeating myself, but whatever. i just need to vent. but God tells us to not surround ourselves with people who could drag us away spiritually. ok i get that. but, growing up, it seemed it was always pushed that you weren't even friends with non-christians. THAT doesn't make sense. some of my best friends aren't Christians (Camille, Lizzy, David, Megan...) and the thing is, is i KNOW that if i ever really truly needed them, they'd be there for me in a heartbeat. but i cannot truly say that about my Christian friends. heck i don't even have many of them anymore. and then God calls us to be in Church but God knows i can't stand it and would rather sit at home and pray and read my bible and journal than go be with all those hypocrites. but i go. because well... my mom goes and so does my brother and my friend Esther. i guess they're my church. plus... honestly, i know that if i were to stop going to church my parents would get worried for me and honestly they would really be disappointed. and maybe that's just it. i do a lot of things not out of fear of God, but out of fear of my parents....

and maybe that's just it. maybe it's also my parents wearing me out. i don't feel like i can really be good enough for them. i dread moving back home after my lease is up. i'm praying God will provide somewhere else for me to move because i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.

i truly wonder what has been jacked up and skewed about the Christian belief by Christians.

i realized yesterday amidst smoke filled breaths and weary eyes that i don't know how to worship God. growing up in the Christian Church you learn that worship is mainly by singing praises, and well... that's it. it wasn't until fairly recently did i start realizing that there are other ways to worship and honor and love God. not that singing is bad. it's just that there are so many other ways.

i'm tired of the fakeness. the same ol' same ol' with Christians. Christians are some of the most predictable people you'll meet.

and maybe i don't know what i'm trying to get at. maybe i'm just weary and hurt and don't know how to handle it all. it seems like every little thing keeps reopening this wound. i don't know how to let it heal.

i don't want to abandon my faith. but i want to abandon these Christians.






seriously i feel like i just can't organize all my thoughts. like i'm repeating myself. but i can't understand what i'm trying to say or what my point is anymore or what i want to happen.


i want to be real and raw. i want to love on those who don't understand love. i want to spend my hours helping others and being with people who understand me. i don't want to go to church anymore. i want to be in love. i want to find a healthy escape and release of my pains and frustrations. i don't want my belief to limit who i date and spend my hours with. i don't want to do things just because they're "safe." i want to be free and live life.


ok i'm done rambling. i was supposed to do homework but now i'm just too tired and irritable. i wish i had someone to talk to but i've exhausted all my resources.

i guess i'll drive home and cry and pray. that usually helps.

i sound pathetic.

tattoo...

i just realized i never told how the whole tattoo situation ended.

so i got my tattoo, obviously, and it all worked out beautifully. i was so scared my family would reject my desire to get it. but in the end, they all came to support me. literally :D my mom, dad, sister, best friend (Josh), all came and watched and tried to make me laugh as i held back tears of pain and pure bliss. my brother was the only one who couldn't make it. he couldn't get out of work and was kicking himself because he missed it. i'm just so thankful for the family i have and the few really amazing friends i have.

i'm excited for my next one, i honestly don't think i'll get many more. i'd like to get a pseudo quarter sleeve. i would love to some how figure out a way to include all these things into one cohesive fluid sleeve: two ravens, one alive and one dead. a koi fish. something Charlotte related, preferably the skyline. the reference to the passage Matthew 22:36-40. and i think there were a couple other things but that's all i can think of at the moment considering it's 1am and i'm exhausted.

but these are all just ideas. i KNOW i want the ravens, i just have to figure out how to do them in a soft feminine way yet be harsh and make a statement like i want.


*sigh* but first i have to get money. hahaha...




random:

i'm going to try to find a giant piece of thick solid colored fabric and go out somewhere i can get paint everywhere and turn it into a giant piece of art. and expression of my inner feelings. and then, i want to burn it. i want to write out all my feelings, paint out all my emotions, tear away the lies... and watch them burn away. like an ex-boyfriends love letter. watch all the memories fade away and then breath a heavy sigh of freedom.

pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside.

i'm really battling myself on this one right now. everything in me wants to just write out how i feel and about what has been happening to me over the past few months of my life, but i can't. too many people have this blog now and they know people i know, and i'm not one to bad talk others.

but i just wish they knew how they hurt me.

i guess i can't blame them though right? they didn't know that they were hurting me, nor have i really told all but one of them. but there's a part of me that is being stubborn and doesn't want to HAVE to tell them. they should just know. i mean, i've gone MIA. do they really not care or wonder where i went? i only see them randomly when we happen to cross paths. and when we do, i only ever get from them, "oh you got a tattoo! and you're hair is shorter!"

never a "how ARE you?" "what happened?" "why'd you leave?" "are you ok? you seem different..."

and if i do, it's merely one of those in passing kinds of "how are you"s

i just want to get out. go home. be with people who actually care for me and aren't just trying to get something from me. why can't people just be my FRIEND. i'm sick of guys hunting me down to date me or get in my pants. tired of girls pretending to be my best friend yet never seek me out.

i'm tired of the dirty south. oh dear God please get me out of here.

this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. why are christians the most back-stabbing two-timers. some of my better friends in life have been non-christians. it's so sick and twisted. but i'm stuck!

you see, this is the way this goes down...

i grew up closer to my brother than my sister so i tend to be very tom-boyish. i get along a lot better with guys than girls. but i have a very outgoing "flirty" personality. so i get myself into trouble a lot. i cling to guys, but my personality leads them on, they fall for me, i have to back away cause i don't like them, then they get mad, and i loose a friend. and then the cycle continues. then, i try to be friends with girls, but why does it seem that SO MANY girls are so ****ing fake! it makes me so ill! then the girls who i'm like wow, this girl is awesome and i could actually see myself getting along with her for once, are not christians. and this is so tiring. because i know myself well enough to know that i have to have good community around me or i'm doomed to backwards thinking. but they care about me and want nothing more than to just BE MY FRIEND. it's why i go to Zada Janes all the time. there are 2 girls there who have become genuine friends to me and get excited to see me and will try to come and sit and talk with me. they even have gotten to where they notice if something is wrong and care to help. real friends. one of them has even been asking me to move down closer to her so we can hang out more!

so you see my dilemma?

i'll never deny my faith. i'll never abandon my God. but i refuse to let what christianity has become control who i spend my time with. sometimes i just sit and think... what all have i been force fed into believing that is all a lie?

i'm so ****ing tired of the cheesy lines, the myths, the force fed vomit. i swear if one more person says "just give it to God" i'll spit in their face.

YOU DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN GIVING IT TO GOD!?

that's all i can do! that's all i know to do anymore! i'm broken! i'm dead inside. this move wasn't supposed to do this to me! if you're still confused, read Psalm 88 and that should give you an idea of how i feel.

i've never been thrown into such a blaring refining fire. though for as bitter as i am, i can't help but be thankful in the end. because for as dead as i am right now, i can see my heart beginning to beat again. come alive with a real fire. i'm beginning to face my demons, face people, face my fears, confront those who hurt me, stand up for myself. i refuse to be a pushover. i don't care what you think of me and i don't care if i'm unpleasant to be around. if i'm not allowed to mourn and go throw this pain i won't heal. it's as if i tried to ignore a cut on my hand. as long as i ignore it and pretend it's not there, the more irritated it will become. but if i tend to it, and let it go throw the phases of healing, eventually it'll be better.

my options are being weighed. i've got to get out of Huntersville. it's not healthy for me anymore. every day i cry and get angry over something or someone. these people don't care about me up here. none of them. except for one. Camille. she will miss me, and i'll miss her. but i won't be far away....

*sigh*

but that's only if i can get out of my lease.



in the mean time i'll try to spend it with people who actually care for me (my family, Josh, Camille, Megan, Lizzy, David). i'll do things that help me heal... read, write, listen to music, drink hot tea and sit quietly and think. i'll confront my demons. i'll stop being a pushover. i'll write letters to those who hurt me. i'll explore my options and try to move back down to charlotte for the mean time. it's just so hard to heal when you can't escape the people who hurt you. it's like rubbing salt in the wound.


but it's not just them. they were merely the final straw to break my back. years of lies and betrayal from churches and christians and jacked up organizations claiming to preach love and truth and logic has made me this way. no longer will i allow people to get away with hurting me.





i hate lies.