I revoke my previous statements.

troubling thoughts, part 2

so as i sat staring off into space like a deer in the headlights during class... i began thinking again about the whole dating thing i was talking about before. first of all, i came to the realization that all the guys i was even a tad bit physical with, besides just holding hands, i cried over. when our "fling" (because calling them more than a fling would be incorrect) ended it was always those guys that made me cry. any of the guys who i merely held hands with, it didn't hurt so bad. though there was the one exception... but he called me dumb and used me as a distraction. so i think that counts as a valid exception to the rule.
that's all... it was just interesting to think about that. i never realized how much crud being too physical too soon can get you into.

troubling thoughts

today is one of those days where my old nature is coming back to torture me. i'm struck with the want to pursue a guy i hardly know, even though i know that it would be foolish and immature. i honestly do just want to be his friend and get to know him. if you know me, you know i've been hurt by a lot of guys. i some how have always managed to pick the psychos. so now i'm left feeling some-what bitter towards the whole idea of a relationship. i often go into relationships just waiting for it to end. it's a bad way to do things, but i guess it's my way of protecting myself. i really want a guy who will honestly treasure me and pursue me and lead me and treat me the way i'm supposed to be treated. but amidst all these feelings, i know i'm ok single. and i quite like it for the most part. i'm just 19. if i date someone right now, it's probably going to be a long term deal. i dunno... i think i partly have this feeling that once you get married, you stop having fun. which i hope and pray is merely just a myth that's been put in my head because of culture. i don't know if i'll ever really grow up... i see myself being one of those women who has just has a young heart... if that makes any sense. i just feel like i hardly see couples just having fun together. i want to laugh, i want to play, i want to feel like he's my best friend. i want to be the person i am around my sister... i know when i'm with her, i'm being my honest and truthful self. i never feel like i have to be somebody i'm not with her.
anyhow, those are my thoughts today. maybe i'm bored. maybe i'm ready for change.

wow...

hokay so, i haven't updated this in obviously QUITE some time. a LOT has changed. i'm not even the same person since last time i wrote here. without all the gory details, i'll just basically put it this way, i went down into a pit, rolled around for a while, came home, mommy and daddy fussed at me for playing in the mood and going into a pit. i realized how much of a fool i looked, got a shower, and started over.
i'm intending on using this blog to post my most blunt thoughts here. i find myself just wanting to vent to someone about life, but not really, all at the same time. i don't want to hurt peoples feelings, but at the same time i want people to understand how i think, why i think the way i'm thinking, and how i feel this affects not just myself, but mostly the world around me. people these days don't THINK! they just act. it's foolish and irrational. granted, i highly enjoy being spontaneous myself, but to a degree. not saying i'm any better than anyone else, i think it's just i'm noticing that even i don't think about what i'm doing at times. i don't think about how i'm spending my time, or why i'm pursuing (or not pursuing) certain things. i'm still noticing how immature i am. i mean, granted, i'm slightly more mature than your average 19 year old, i still have my faults. it's not that i don't like to be "young" and carefree (if you will), it's just i'm over the highschool drama. i graduated 2 years ago... and i'm quite content leaving all that blegh drama icky poopiness behind.
so, with that said, if you found this blog, lucky you? not that i'm hiding it, i'm just not putting it out there...