i might pee my pants...

so i'm moving out... it's official. after so many years (ok just 3... but that's a long time!) i finally get to have a place to call my own!!!

well dangit.

i wish i was better at not wearing my heart on my sleeve... but i'm not one to hide how i feel.

i will feel better... just got a lot on my mind :)

spot light in Gil's apartment

i saw the spot light in Gil's apartment that FDV (http://www.myspace.com/fdvsound) used as their myspace background and such and it inspired this... i drew this today. it still needs some work...

inspired drawing.

up at the top it says,

"But i'll never understand the way our hearts and minds intertwine as they scream out for freedom like our souls cry out for redemption."

yes, i wrote that... don't worry, it doesn't have to make sense to you.

sometimes i draw things...

Gas Mask. inspired by my pastor's wife Julie. she told us how she see's this generation of Christian's as having gas masks on. that God wants to rain down and breath new life into us, but we're scared... so we hide and put on gas masks... i drew this one on March 10th 2009

my thoughts seem scattered...

so.

i accidentally ground my coffee too fine for my french press... this could be interesting...

in other news.

i've been talking to my parents a lot about moving out. it blows my mind just how differently my father and i communicate. he doesn't understand the fact i think out load a lot. i haven't really decided anything yet, nor do i really have the opportunities that i want.

right now this is my lame(ish?) situation:

i have approximately 2 classes left until i get my Associates degree at cpcc. i'll be done next semester. as far as SEBC goes (the bible college i'm at), i have such mixed feelings about being there. it's a mix of i'm really struggling to learn there, and i just don't like it! haha... i just do not learn the way most schools teach. i'm a very hands on person when it comes to learning. for example, it hasn't been too terribley difficult for me to learn mandolin because i can actually physically do it. nor was throwing pottery (not literrally... lol... it's the term you use when you make pottery on the wheel). but i dare you to lecture at me and see if i learn anything. i can't just sit and take notes and learn that way.......hmmm..... i wonder if that's why i have a hard time learning in church sometimes...... it's not that i don't want to learn about apologetics, it's just so difficult for me to learn that way. so i had considered just finishing up degree at cpcc just for the sake of having it and then quitting sebc. i mean why not finish when i'm this close. but i really wasn't sure i wanted to go back to sebc. the thing is, is i continue to feel a tug on my heart to be involved deeply in ministry in some way/shape/form. i know God has given me a passion for the arts... music and photography especially. so this is where i've come. i crave so badly to move out completely on my own. to have my own place and be able to decorate it and have people over and rescue a puppy dog... but that's all just physical wants... i love my parents deeply. i trust them and look up to them, but i'm ready. i'm ready to take that next step in my life. i feel so young and immature and unwise when i'm living at home....... but i know that's just my own perception of how my parents see me. i know they're proud of me... they tell me that a lot. so here's what all this non-sense comes down to. a good friend of mine, Michele, is letting me stay in her spare room for a little bit a month until i can afford to move out on my own. but, i think i'll just stay for the weekends. my parents actually are truly amazing. after quite a few talks about it all, not bad, just not, great? i dunno... they were just kind of tense cause they're blunt with me about life and such. but! today i got talking to my mom about it all again and we were laughing about some stuff and then she said... so your father and i were talking about this last night (oh gosh... never a good way to start a sentence...) and we decided that if you will just hold off a little bit longer, then we will meet you half way with your expenses and help you slowly get to where you can fully pay for it all yourself. :) it hasn't sunk in yet... but, i'll wait... :) i'll wait for that.

but seriously...


i hate school.





i need a mentor, and to work out more, and learn self-control and how to control my thoughts and how to trust and...yeah...

seriously!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!