but i hate this town that i keep walkin' around...

God surprises me and not surprises me all at the same time.

i went back to visit some old friends back in Columbia a couple weeks ago. ever since then i've grown increasing restless. i realized 2 things while i was there... 1. i miss that community. i miss being involved in a group like that. i used to have a group that i hung out with all the time, but as time went on people moved away or just moved on. i miss them... 2. i got so wrapped up in school and life i forgot who i was... what i was passionate about, the things i loved to do and wear and surround myself in. i don't know how or when this happened, but it did.

so i've been restless. feeling lost and just really unsure of why God has me here. i found out when i left columbia that CIU had changed... the year AFTER i left was when they had really got their heads outta their proverbial butts and focused on the important things. nope, i'm not bitter. i just question so much why God still has me here in Charlotte. i don't fit in anywhere anymore... even my mom said something to me about it all. sure, it doesn't matter if i fit in or not... i guess the point of that is that i'm not doing anything i'm passionate about anymore. i stopped just going out and taking pictures, i'm hardly able to see my sister anymore... i don't know how to explain it... but i've just grown stagnant. i really don't feel like i'm using anything God has gifted me with right now. this is why i hate school. correction, i like the bible college i'm at (though there are a lot of things i'd love to change about it...), i just hate being at community college. i'm wasting so much time! there are SO many other things i could and would be doing if i didn't have to get my dang associates degree. oh well. i've got one semester left. then i can run off and take pictures and get back into pottery and love on people and see my sister and clean out my room and paint it and learn how to play my mandolin that's been sitting in my closet for the past 4 years... i'm just bored. nothing is new or exciting anymore. i'm scared i'll look back on this time in my life and realize i missed out on so much. if only the bible college i'm at had more kids my age and on campus living and classes more than once a dang week...

so in the midst of all this, i get a letter. a letter from a friend who doesn't know me well at all... this is what she wrote...

Dearest Kendall,
i just wanted to let you know that i have felt it placed on my heart to keep you in my prayers daily! i also wanted to tell you what i see in you! i am so encouraged by you!! each time i see you, you carry this bright loving light with you!! it's in all that you do! whether in small group, talking with you, seeing you love on, and encourage others or singing on stage sunday mornings. i know that God has sugh GREAT & BIG plans for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so blessed he has aloud me to see so much in you! i can only pray that i can be a light others as you are to me! i am excited to see all that God has in store for you! know that i am truly praying for you (and not just saying that :) ) and thank you for allowing God to use you and bless others through you... and well for just being you! you are definitly one of my favs!! have a great week!
Much love,
Jessica
(READ philippians 1:3-6!)


if only she knew how much that meant to me. i truly suck at expressing myself through anything other than writing. i've told her multiple times now just how much i needed that... but i fear she doesn't fully get it. She had NO idea what i was going through!! but God did...

so i'm encouraged. not quite refreshed, but ready to keep going towards only God knows what. i really have no idea where God is leading me, but all i know to do is to keep my eyes focused on Him and keep being myself and just doing what i know i need to do... in time it will all work out and i'll find myself in the midst of something bigger than i realized.


really i'm fine, i'm just thinking...