do you ever have such amazing conversations with people that you wish you could some how save that conversation and relive it another day?
well i just did. Thank you Tim for cheering me up and helping me breath a little easier tonight.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
sometimes i don't want kids... ever.
i don't know how i'm going to be a mom one day... kids scare me (they're so freakin fragile!) and crying makes my skin crawl and whipping snotty noses makes me gag.
hopefully mommy instincts will kick in and i'll be ok. plus i just want to be a cool mom. not one of those moms........
hopefully mommy instincts will kick in and i'll be ok. plus i just want to be a cool mom. not one of those moms........
Sunday, December 27, 2009
seriously.
I'll never understand why i fret so much and worry when God has sworn to us his love. told us not to worry. told us of our worth. and yet, i still find myself freaking out trying to figure things out. all i can do is imagine God just sitting next to me waiting... thinking "seriously kid, any time you want me to help you out i will, but you've got to trust me."
all I'm saying is I'm glad i journal. cause I've been able to go back and read how God has worked out my messes into beauty and I'm always left laughing at how awesome God is. it honestly just makes me laugh. because i can so easily recall how i felt during that bleak moment... thinking that there was no hope, that it was NOT going to end well... and then God turns it all around and I'm left speechless and amazed.
seriously, i love my God.
lately I've been having horrid dreams. and i really don't know why. but I've been honestly scared to go to bed the past couple nights scared I'll wake up in a panic again. dreams of friends dying and being chased by angry mobs. dreams of being lost in the amazon forest running for my life from abnormally large animals. swimming in the ocean about to be eaten by a shark. i keep praying for good dreams, and some nights God blesses me with them and lets me sleep peacefully, and yet others they sneak in and i wake up in a panic. i wish i knew what has triggered them. i don't normally have bad dreams.
my imagination is too big for it's own good.
and i really can't deny the fact that I'm ready for the new year.
and February 10th... i get my 3/4 sleeve then ^_^
all I'm saying is I'm glad i journal. cause I've been able to go back and read how God has worked out my messes into beauty and I'm always left laughing at how awesome God is. it honestly just makes me laugh. because i can so easily recall how i felt during that bleak moment... thinking that there was no hope, that it was NOT going to end well... and then God turns it all around and I'm left speechless and amazed.
seriously, i love my God.
lately I've been having horrid dreams. and i really don't know why. but I've been honestly scared to go to bed the past couple nights scared I'll wake up in a panic again. dreams of friends dying and being chased by angry mobs. dreams of being lost in the amazon forest running for my life from abnormally large animals. swimming in the ocean about to be eaten by a shark. i keep praying for good dreams, and some nights God blesses me with them and lets me sleep peacefully, and yet others they sneak in and i wake up in a panic. i wish i knew what has triggered them. i don't normally have bad dreams.
my imagination is too big for it's own good.
and i really can't deny the fact that I'm ready for the new year.
and February 10th... i get my 3/4 sleeve then ^_^
Thursday, December 17, 2009
i still miss you.
i miss your warmth and understanding
the way you held me and called me kid
i felt alive and calm, free and still
why you held me when i cried those tears
i'll never understand
but i still miss you and love you so
when you come back around we'll laugh and smile
share our dreams and forgotten failures
read each other's poetry
and sit in silence staring at each other
so go back home, before it's too late
i'll fall back in love and push you away
i'll try to forget you with the birds on my arm
and sing songs of love so wrong...
the way you held me and called me kid
i felt alive and calm, free and still
why you held me when i cried those tears
i'll never understand
but i still miss you and love you so
when you come back around we'll laugh and smile
share our dreams and forgotten failures
read each other's poetry
and sit in silence staring at each other
so go back home, before it's too late
i'll fall back in love and push you away
i'll try to forget you with the birds on my arm
and sing songs of love so wrong...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
sixty some more years
as i sat in my car praying... the thought that i may only live (if all goes well) sixty some more years was terrifying. what i will see and hear and experience will leave me changed in those years. i'm continually growing.
so what will i do with these some odd sixty years? how will i leave the world speechless? how will i change those around me for the better? who will i be? what will i become? i guess i can't worry about it. God's timing is ridiculous. He will show me what i'm to do.
but as self-centered as this may sound, i've always felt like God was calling me to more in life than just the norm. if only i could figure that out. i know what i'm passionate about and i know where i'm gifted, but what do i do with those things?
i love people. i love love music and i can sing. i love art and traveling. i love to make people happy...... maybe i should be a musician. but how and when and where and to what extent... i'll never know. it's hard to get into the music scene. well i guess it isn't too hard... but people are mean and selective. and quite frankly i'd really rather not sing in a worship team ever again. though God is funny and i know i'll some how find myself back in one one day.
i think it'd be cool to be a tattoo artist too... except i can't draw... hahaha... that's kind of important.
so what will i do with these some odd sixty years? how will i leave the world speechless? how will i change those around me for the better? who will i be? what will i become? i guess i can't worry about it. God's timing is ridiculous. He will show me what i'm to do.
but as self-centered as this may sound, i've always felt like God was calling me to more in life than just the norm. if only i could figure that out. i know what i'm passionate about and i know where i'm gifted, but what do i do with those things?
i love people. i love love music and i can sing. i love art and traveling. i love to make people happy...... maybe i should be a musician. but how and when and where and to what extent... i'll never know. it's hard to get into the music scene. well i guess it isn't too hard... but people are mean and selective. and quite frankly i'd really rather not sing in a worship team ever again. though God is funny and i know i'll some how find myself back in one one day.
i think it'd be cool to be a tattoo artist too... except i can't draw... hahaha... that's kind of important.
Monday, December 14, 2009
To: Whom it may concern
i was reminded of a freeing thought amidst everything going on recently...
God is constant.
despite who we are, what we do, what we don't do... God never changes. He will glorify himself even through our faults. that's not to say we can do what ever we please, but reassuring to know that even when we try our hardest and fail, God can still use our faults to teach us new things and glorify Himself through us. God gave us one command that everything else hinges on, and that is to love Him the best way we can, and love others as we wish to be loved (matthew 22:37-40).
that was just a comforting thought amidst everything. sometimes i get caught up in this mental battle between my two selves... my old self and my new self. i know i've changed a lot recently and sometimes the thought of failing God terrifies me. and what is just as terrifying is the thought that i would be a poor excuse for a Christian. but the fact is, is we're human, we're going to screw up,
but God never will.
God is constant.
despite who we are, what we do, what we don't do... God never changes. He will glorify himself even through our faults. that's not to say we can do what ever we please, but reassuring to know that even when we try our hardest and fail, God can still use our faults to teach us new things and glorify Himself through us. God gave us one command that everything else hinges on, and that is to love Him the best way we can, and love others as we wish to be loved (matthew 22:37-40).
that was just a comforting thought amidst everything. sometimes i get caught up in this mental battle between my two selves... my old self and my new self. i know i've changed a lot recently and sometimes the thought of failing God terrifies me. and what is just as terrifying is the thought that i would be a poor excuse for a Christian. but the fact is, is we're human, we're going to screw up,
but God never will.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Joy is......
Joy is not a person, place, or thing. It is merely just the result of our perspective on our current situation.
It has seemed that over the past 3 or more months God has slowly but sure been releasing my demons on me. Everything has gone wrong from every angle. I was forced to deal with things I didn’t want to deal with, confront people when I would have rather ran like a fox. I swore there was no hope and it seemed that nothing made it better. All fixes were temporary.
All I knew to do was wait.
But the longer I seemed to sit and wait, the harder my face grew in anger. I doubted mankind. Everything made me want to curse and cry. Nothing gave me hope…
And then finally, one night, I died.
As I sat in a local Qdoba’s late one night talking with my mom I fell apart. It was as if a finally found myself so broken and weary I could do nothing more than just let it all go. But I felt so justified in my anger. “If only you knew what I had been through, you’d understand” I often thought. But I was so wrong. Sure, I had a right to be upset and disappointed, but I had no right to stay that angry for that long. I had no right to allow it to push me so far. I swore I almost lost my faith again.
But something clicked, and something in me died. I let go. Suddenly it all just didn’t seem to matter anymore. Who cares what those people did? Who cares where I live? And who freaking cares about what I have and don’t have?! None of those things matter when it comes right down to it, because my joy is not dependent on those things. Sure times get hard, and we all find ourselves wanting something so bad we have a two-year-old moment and break down over it because we can’t have it. But life goes on! I don’t know if we can hurt God’s feelings, but I can’t help but feel guilty for being so selfish and constantly praying for things I want when I know God is just shaking his head wondering when I’ll ever notice what he has already given me (a new perspective, sunsets, cool air, changing leaves, a warm bed and food to eat, a family i couldn't love enough, music, rain, stars, ravens, flowers, mud, a tender heart....)
And so I find myself on top of a mountain yet again, taking a moment to breath before God pushes me back into the valley to fight another war. And I’m excited. Because I know that the joy I get after those bleak dark moments is incomparable to any other joy I get from anything else. The lessons I have learned from this war and the person God has made me through all this is worth the heartache...the nights spent eating my emotions…the days where I did nothing but curse…the bitter broken heart…Because now I know how to help others. I love people, and I want to help them… help them allow God to wake them up like Christ has woken me up. To help them gain a new perspective on things.
I’m excited to see what God does from here on out. His timing is perfect and His love is untouchable… nothing compares.
In the mean time, I’ll finish what I’ve started, help those whom I can, and pray for proverbial doors to be opened.
It has seemed that over the past 3 or more months God has slowly but sure been releasing my demons on me. Everything has gone wrong from every angle. I was forced to deal with things I didn’t want to deal with, confront people when I would have rather ran like a fox. I swore there was no hope and it seemed that nothing made it better. All fixes were temporary.
All I knew to do was wait.
But the longer I seemed to sit and wait, the harder my face grew in anger. I doubted mankind. Everything made me want to curse and cry. Nothing gave me hope…
And then finally, one night, I died.
As I sat in a local Qdoba’s late one night talking with my mom I fell apart. It was as if a finally found myself so broken and weary I could do nothing more than just let it all go. But I felt so justified in my anger. “If only you knew what I had been through, you’d understand” I often thought. But I was so wrong. Sure, I had a right to be upset and disappointed, but I had no right to stay that angry for that long. I had no right to allow it to push me so far. I swore I almost lost my faith again.
But something clicked, and something in me died. I let go. Suddenly it all just didn’t seem to matter anymore. Who cares what those people did? Who cares where I live? And who freaking cares about what I have and don’t have?! None of those things matter when it comes right down to it, because my joy is not dependent on those things. Sure times get hard, and we all find ourselves wanting something so bad we have a two-year-old moment and break down over it because we can’t have it. But life goes on! I don’t know if we can hurt God’s feelings, but I can’t help but feel guilty for being so selfish and constantly praying for things I want when I know God is just shaking his head wondering when I’ll ever notice what he has already given me (a new perspective, sunsets, cool air, changing leaves, a warm bed and food to eat, a family i couldn't love enough, music, rain, stars, ravens, flowers, mud, a tender heart....)
And so I find myself on top of a mountain yet again, taking a moment to breath before God pushes me back into the valley to fight another war. And I’m excited. Because I know that the joy I get after those bleak dark moments is incomparable to any other joy I get from anything else. The lessons I have learned from this war and the person God has made me through all this is worth the heartache...the nights spent eating my emotions…the days where I did nothing but curse…the bitter broken heart…Because now I know how to help others. I love people, and I want to help them… help them allow God to wake them up like Christ has woken me up. To help them gain a new perspective on things.
I’m excited to see what God does from here on out. His timing is perfect and His love is untouchable… nothing compares.
In the mean time, I’ll finish what I’ve started, help those whom I can, and pray for proverbial doors to be opened.
Friday, October 30, 2009
on repeat.
sometimes i feel the best thing for me right now is to just get away and sit and think. to get away from everyone and anyone. to stop listening to the biased opinions of others and dig deep into God and myself and figure all this out.
i had lunch with my mom today. i always love talking to my mom, but sometimes i wish i could be a little more open with her about my life. there are just some things i KNOW i can't tell her OR my dad. they'd be disappointed. worried. maybe even shocked and disgusted. ok maybe not that far. but you get my point.
but i keep coming back to this point in my life. i keep coming back to this bitter lonely feeling about Christianity. my mom basically quoted Gandhi without realizing it today at lunch. she told me, "Kendall it's not Christianity you hate, it's the Christians." and i suppose she is right. though christianity still terrifies me. i know it's not this religion where you have to do your best and then you'll get into heaven... not a sort of Santa Claus belief ("if you're a good little boy/girl Santa will bring you a present!" but i just don't ever feel good enough. i don't understand why some of the most mean and hurtful people are Christians. why so many people in churches have screwed me and my family over. but you know, i've only seen this through the lens of a Christian. i've never seen the way other beliefs work. if others have been hurt through other religions and belief systems. i suppose this is what it all comes down to:
Why does God tell us not to do the things He tells us not to do?
because this is where i'm getting worn thin with Christianity, and i feel like i'm going to be repeating myself, but whatever. i just need to vent. but God tells us to not surround ourselves with people who could drag us away spiritually. ok i get that. but, growing up, it seemed it was always pushed that you weren't even friends with non-christians. THAT doesn't make sense. some of my best friends aren't Christians (Camille, Lizzy, David, Megan...) and the thing is, is i KNOW that if i ever really truly needed them, they'd be there for me in a heartbeat. but i cannot truly say that about my Christian friends. heck i don't even have many of them anymore. and then God calls us to be in Church but God knows i can't stand it and would rather sit at home and pray and read my bible and journal than go be with all those hypocrites. but i go. because well... my mom goes and so does my brother and my friend Esther. i guess they're my church. plus... honestly, i know that if i were to stop going to church my parents would get worried for me and honestly they would really be disappointed. and maybe that's just it. i do a lot of things not out of fear of God, but out of fear of my parents....
and maybe that's just it. maybe it's also my parents wearing me out. i don't feel like i can really be good enough for them. i dread moving back home after my lease is up. i'm praying God will provide somewhere else for me to move because i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.
i truly wonder what has been jacked up and skewed about the Christian belief by Christians.
i realized yesterday amidst smoke filled breaths and weary eyes that i don't know how to worship God. growing up in the Christian Church you learn that worship is mainly by singing praises, and well... that's it. it wasn't until fairly recently did i start realizing that there are other ways to worship and honor and love God. not that singing is bad. it's just that there are so many other ways.
i'm tired of the fakeness. the same ol' same ol' with Christians. Christians are some of the most predictable people you'll meet.
and maybe i don't know what i'm trying to get at. maybe i'm just weary and hurt and don't know how to handle it all. it seems like every little thing keeps reopening this wound. i don't know how to let it heal.
i don't want to abandon my faith. but i want to abandon these Christians.
seriously i feel like i just can't organize all my thoughts. like i'm repeating myself. but i can't understand what i'm trying to say or what my point is anymore or what i want to happen.
i want to be real and raw. i want to love on those who don't understand love. i want to spend my hours helping others and being with people who understand me. i don't want to go to church anymore. i want to be in love. i want to find a healthy escape and release of my pains and frustrations. i don't want my belief to limit who i date and spend my hours with. i don't want to do things just because they're "safe." i want to be free and live life.
ok i'm done rambling. i was supposed to do homework but now i'm just too tired and irritable. i wish i had someone to talk to but i've exhausted all my resources.
i guess i'll drive home and cry and pray. that usually helps.
i sound pathetic.
i had lunch with my mom today. i always love talking to my mom, but sometimes i wish i could be a little more open with her about my life. there are just some things i KNOW i can't tell her OR my dad. they'd be disappointed. worried. maybe even shocked and disgusted. ok maybe not that far. but you get my point.
but i keep coming back to this point in my life. i keep coming back to this bitter lonely feeling about Christianity. my mom basically quoted Gandhi without realizing it today at lunch. she told me, "Kendall it's not Christianity you hate, it's the Christians." and i suppose she is right. though christianity still terrifies me. i know it's not this religion where you have to do your best and then you'll get into heaven... not a sort of Santa Claus belief ("if you're a good little boy/girl Santa will bring you a present!" but i just don't ever feel good enough. i don't understand why some of the most mean and hurtful people are Christians. why so many people in churches have screwed me and my family over. but you know, i've only seen this through the lens of a Christian. i've never seen the way other beliefs work. if others have been hurt through other religions and belief systems. i suppose this is what it all comes down to:
Why does God tell us not to do the things He tells us not to do?
because this is where i'm getting worn thin with Christianity, and i feel like i'm going to be repeating myself, but whatever. i just need to vent. but God tells us to not surround ourselves with people who could drag us away spiritually. ok i get that. but, growing up, it seemed it was always pushed that you weren't even friends with non-christians. THAT doesn't make sense. some of my best friends aren't Christians (Camille, Lizzy, David, Megan...) and the thing is, is i KNOW that if i ever really truly needed them, they'd be there for me in a heartbeat. but i cannot truly say that about my Christian friends. heck i don't even have many of them anymore. and then God calls us to be in Church but God knows i can't stand it and would rather sit at home and pray and read my bible and journal than go be with all those hypocrites. but i go. because well... my mom goes and so does my brother and my friend Esther. i guess they're my church. plus... honestly, i know that if i were to stop going to church my parents would get worried for me and honestly they would really be disappointed. and maybe that's just it. i do a lot of things not out of fear of God, but out of fear of my parents....
and maybe that's just it. maybe it's also my parents wearing me out. i don't feel like i can really be good enough for them. i dread moving back home after my lease is up. i'm praying God will provide somewhere else for me to move because i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.
i truly wonder what has been jacked up and skewed about the Christian belief by Christians.
i realized yesterday amidst smoke filled breaths and weary eyes that i don't know how to worship God. growing up in the Christian Church you learn that worship is mainly by singing praises, and well... that's it. it wasn't until fairly recently did i start realizing that there are other ways to worship and honor and love God. not that singing is bad. it's just that there are so many other ways.
i'm tired of the fakeness. the same ol' same ol' with Christians. Christians are some of the most predictable people you'll meet.
and maybe i don't know what i'm trying to get at. maybe i'm just weary and hurt and don't know how to handle it all. it seems like every little thing keeps reopening this wound. i don't know how to let it heal.
i don't want to abandon my faith. but i want to abandon these Christians.
seriously i feel like i just can't organize all my thoughts. like i'm repeating myself. but i can't understand what i'm trying to say or what my point is anymore or what i want to happen.
i want to be real and raw. i want to love on those who don't understand love. i want to spend my hours helping others and being with people who understand me. i don't want to go to church anymore. i want to be in love. i want to find a healthy escape and release of my pains and frustrations. i don't want my belief to limit who i date and spend my hours with. i don't want to do things just because they're "safe." i want to be free and live life.
ok i'm done rambling. i was supposed to do homework but now i'm just too tired and irritable. i wish i had someone to talk to but i've exhausted all my resources.
i guess i'll drive home and cry and pray. that usually helps.
i sound pathetic.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
tattoo...
i just realized i never told how the whole tattoo situation ended.
so i got my tattoo, obviously, and it all worked out beautifully. i was so scared my family would reject my desire to get it. but in the end, they all came to support me. literally :D my mom, dad, sister, best friend (Josh), all came and watched and tried to make me laugh as i held back tears of pain and pure bliss. my brother was the only one who couldn't make it. he couldn't get out of work and was kicking himself because he missed it. i'm just so thankful for the family i have and the few really amazing friends i have.
i'm excited for my next one, i honestly don't think i'll get many more. i'd like to get a pseudo quarter sleeve. i would love to some how figure out a way to include all these things into one cohesive fluid sleeve: two ravens, one alive and one dead. a koi fish. something Charlotte related, preferably the skyline. the reference to the passage Matthew 22:36-40. and i think there were a couple other things but that's all i can think of at the moment considering it's 1am and i'm exhausted.
but these are all just ideas. i KNOW i want the ravens, i just have to figure out how to do them in a soft feminine way yet be harsh and make a statement like i want.
*sigh* but first i have to get money. hahaha...
random:
i'm going to try to find a giant piece of thick solid colored fabric and go out somewhere i can get paint everywhere and turn it into a giant piece of art. and expression of my inner feelings. and then, i want to burn it. i want to write out all my feelings, paint out all my emotions, tear away the lies... and watch them burn away. like an ex-boyfriends love letter. watch all the memories fade away and then breath a heavy sigh of freedom.
so i got my tattoo, obviously, and it all worked out beautifully. i was so scared my family would reject my desire to get it. but in the end, they all came to support me. literally :D my mom, dad, sister, best friend (Josh), all came and watched and tried to make me laugh as i held back tears of pain and pure bliss. my brother was the only one who couldn't make it. he couldn't get out of work and was kicking himself because he missed it. i'm just so thankful for the family i have and the few really amazing friends i have.
i'm excited for my next one, i honestly don't think i'll get many more. i'd like to get a pseudo quarter sleeve. i would love to some how figure out a way to include all these things into one cohesive fluid sleeve: two ravens, one alive and one dead. a koi fish. something Charlotte related, preferably the skyline. the reference to the passage Matthew 22:36-40. and i think there were a couple other things but that's all i can think of at the moment considering it's 1am and i'm exhausted.
but these are all just ideas. i KNOW i want the ravens, i just have to figure out how to do them in a soft feminine way yet be harsh and make a statement like i want.
*sigh* but first i have to get money. hahaha...
random:
i'm going to try to find a giant piece of thick solid colored fabric and go out somewhere i can get paint everywhere and turn it into a giant piece of art. and expression of my inner feelings. and then, i want to burn it. i want to write out all my feelings, paint out all my emotions, tear away the lies... and watch them burn away. like an ex-boyfriends love letter. watch all the memories fade away and then breath a heavy sigh of freedom.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside.
i'm really battling myself on this one right now. everything in me wants to just write out how i feel and about what has been happening to me over the past few months of my life, but i can't. too many people have this blog now and they know people i know, and i'm not one to bad talk others.
but i just wish they knew how they hurt me.
i guess i can't blame them though right? they didn't know that they were hurting me, nor have i really told all but one of them. but there's a part of me that is being stubborn and doesn't want to HAVE to tell them. they should just know. i mean, i've gone MIA. do they really not care or wonder where i went? i only see them randomly when we happen to cross paths. and when we do, i only ever get from them, "oh you got a tattoo! and you're hair is shorter!"
never a "how ARE you?" "what happened?" "why'd you leave?" "are you ok? you seem different..."
and if i do, it's merely one of those in passing kinds of "how are you"s
i just want to get out. go home. be with people who actually care for me and aren't just trying to get something from me. why can't people just be my FRIEND. i'm sick of guys hunting me down to date me or get in my pants. tired of girls pretending to be my best friend yet never seek me out.
i'm tired of the dirty south. oh dear God please get me out of here.
this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. why are christians the most back-stabbing two-timers. some of my better friends in life have been non-christians. it's so sick and twisted. but i'm stuck!
you see, this is the way this goes down...
i grew up closer to my brother than my sister so i tend to be very tom-boyish. i get along a lot better with guys than girls. but i have a very outgoing "flirty" personality. so i get myself into trouble a lot. i cling to guys, but my personality leads them on, they fall for me, i have to back away cause i don't like them, then they get mad, and i loose a friend. and then the cycle continues. then, i try to be friends with girls, but why does it seem that SO MANY girls are so ****ing fake! it makes me so ill! then the girls who i'm like wow, this girl is awesome and i could actually see myself getting along with her for once, are not christians. and this is so tiring. because i know myself well enough to know that i have to have good community around me or i'm doomed to backwards thinking. but they care about me and want nothing more than to just BE MY FRIEND. it's why i go to Zada Janes all the time. there are 2 girls there who have become genuine friends to me and get excited to see me and will try to come and sit and talk with me. they even have gotten to where they notice if something is wrong and care to help. real friends. one of them has even been asking me to move down closer to her so we can hang out more!
so you see my dilemma?
i'll never deny my faith. i'll never abandon my God. but i refuse to let what christianity has become control who i spend my time with. sometimes i just sit and think... what all have i been force fed into believing that is all a lie?
i'm so ****ing tired of the cheesy lines, the myths, the force fed vomit. i swear if one more person says "just give it to God" i'll spit in their face.
YOU DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN GIVING IT TO GOD!?
that's all i can do! that's all i know to do anymore! i'm broken! i'm dead inside. this move wasn't supposed to do this to me! if you're still confused, read Psalm 88 and that should give you an idea of how i feel.
i've never been thrown into such a blaring refining fire. though for as bitter as i am, i can't help but be thankful in the end. because for as dead as i am right now, i can see my heart beginning to beat again. come alive with a real fire. i'm beginning to face my demons, face people, face my fears, confront those who hurt me, stand up for myself. i refuse to be a pushover. i don't care what you think of me and i don't care if i'm unpleasant to be around. if i'm not allowed to mourn and go throw this pain i won't heal. it's as if i tried to ignore a cut on my hand. as long as i ignore it and pretend it's not there, the more irritated it will become. but if i tend to it, and let it go throw the phases of healing, eventually it'll be better.
my options are being weighed. i've got to get out of Huntersville. it's not healthy for me anymore. every day i cry and get angry over something or someone. these people don't care about me up here. none of them. except for one. Camille. she will miss me, and i'll miss her. but i won't be far away....
*sigh*
but that's only if i can get out of my lease.
in the mean time i'll try to spend it with people who actually care for me (my family, Josh, Camille, Megan, Lizzy, David). i'll do things that help me heal... read, write, listen to music, drink hot tea and sit quietly and think. i'll confront my demons. i'll stop being a pushover. i'll write letters to those who hurt me. i'll explore my options and try to move back down to charlotte for the mean time. it's just so hard to heal when you can't escape the people who hurt you. it's like rubbing salt in the wound.
but it's not just them. they were merely the final straw to break my back. years of lies and betrayal from churches and christians and jacked up organizations claiming to preach love and truth and logic has made me this way. no longer will i allow people to get away with hurting me.
i hate lies.
but i just wish they knew how they hurt me.
i guess i can't blame them though right? they didn't know that they were hurting me, nor have i really told all but one of them. but there's a part of me that is being stubborn and doesn't want to HAVE to tell them. they should just know. i mean, i've gone MIA. do they really not care or wonder where i went? i only see them randomly when we happen to cross paths. and when we do, i only ever get from them, "oh you got a tattoo! and you're hair is shorter!"
never a "how ARE you?" "what happened?" "why'd you leave?" "are you ok? you seem different..."
and if i do, it's merely one of those in passing kinds of "how are you"s
i just want to get out. go home. be with people who actually care for me and aren't just trying to get something from me. why can't people just be my FRIEND. i'm sick of guys hunting me down to date me or get in my pants. tired of girls pretending to be my best friend yet never seek me out.
i'm tired of the dirty south. oh dear God please get me out of here.
this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. why are christians the most back-stabbing two-timers. some of my better friends in life have been non-christians. it's so sick and twisted. but i'm stuck!
you see, this is the way this goes down...
i grew up closer to my brother than my sister so i tend to be very tom-boyish. i get along a lot better with guys than girls. but i have a very outgoing "flirty" personality. so i get myself into trouble a lot. i cling to guys, but my personality leads them on, they fall for me, i have to back away cause i don't like them, then they get mad, and i loose a friend. and then the cycle continues. then, i try to be friends with girls, but why does it seem that SO MANY girls are so ****ing fake! it makes me so ill! then the girls who i'm like wow, this girl is awesome and i could actually see myself getting along with her for once, are not christians. and this is so tiring. because i know myself well enough to know that i have to have good community around me or i'm doomed to backwards thinking. but they care about me and want nothing more than to just BE MY FRIEND. it's why i go to Zada Janes all the time. there are 2 girls there who have become genuine friends to me and get excited to see me and will try to come and sit and talk with me. they even have gotten to where they notice if something is wrong and care to help. real friends. one of them has even been asking me to move down closer to her so we can hang out more!
so you see my dilemma?
i'll never deny my faith. i'll never abandon my God. but i refuse to let what christianity has become control who i spend my time with. sometimes i just sit and think... what all have i been force fed into believing that is all a lie?
i'm so ****ing tired of the cheesy lines, the myths, the force fed vomit. i swear if one more person says "just give it to God" i'll spit in their face.
YOU DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN GIVING IT TO GOD!?
that's all i can do! that's all i know to do anymore! i'm broken! i'm dead inside. this move wasn't supposed to do this to me! if you're still confused, read Psalm 88 and that should give you an idea of how i feel.
i've never been thrown into such a blaring refining fire. though for as bitter as i am, i can't help but be thankful in the end. because for as dead as i am right now, i can see my heart beginning to beat again. come alive with a real fire. i'm beginning to face my demons, face people, face my fears, confront those who hurt me, stand up for myself. i refuse to be a pushover. i don't care what you think of me and i don't care if i'm unpleasant to be around. if i'm not allowed to mourn and go throw this pain i won't heal. it's as if i tried to ignore a cut on my hand. as long as i ignore it and pretend it's not there, the more irritated it will become. but if i tend to it, and let it go throw the phases of healing, eventually it'll be better.
my options are being weighed. i've got to get out of Huntersville. it's not healthy for me anymore. every day i cry and get angry over something or someone. these people don't care about me up here. none of them. except for one. Camille. she will miss me, and i'll miss her. but i won't be far away....
*sigh*
but that's only if i can get out of my lease.
in the mean time i'll try to spend it with people who actually care for me (my family, Josh, Camille, Megan, Lizzy, David). i'll do things that help me heal... read, write, listen to music, drink hot tea and sit quietly and think. i'll confront my demons. i'll stop being a pushover. i'll write letters to those who hurt me. i'll explore my options and try to move back down to charlotte for the mean time. it's just so hard to heal when you can't escape the people who hurt you. it's like rubbing salt in the wound.
but it's not just them. they were merely the final straw to break my back. years of lies and betrayal from churches and christians and jacked up organizations claiming to preach love and truth and logic has made me this way. no longer will i allow people to get away with hurting me.
i hate lies.
Friday, September 11, 2009
scared.
so i just have to get this outta my system. because even though i'm praying i keep hearing God saying the same things over and over....... "don't worry"
i'm getting my first tattoo this saturday. not tomorrow, but the 19th. i'm so nervous right now that i can't think straight and my arm is hurting in anticipation. i've wanted this tattoo for a while now, but it doesn't mean i'm not nervous. why am i nervous? because i'm scared of what my family will say. i'm nervous to even tell them. i don't have to tell them today, but i have a week. and the thing is, is i know what they're going to say, i just don't want to hear it. because i've thought through this.
"not every where you go is accepting of tattoos."
...but i can still cover it.
"when you're 60 things on your body will start beginning the phase of being wrinkly and you chance it not looking good anymore."
...but seriously, what will look good on me at that point?
"you risk guys not being attracted to you as much because of it."
.....but i wouldn't want to date a guy that i'd have to change myself for anyway.
"you may not like it in 5 years."
......but there's always removal.
the fact is, is i'm a people pleaser and i know this without a shadow of a doubt. it's my worst and best quality. but i have to stop. i have to be myself.... i feel like i've already said all this. i just need some encouragement. it's amazing how much encouragement i need to void the few un-encouraging words.
it's my first tattoo
it's going to be bigger than i thought
it's going to hurt
and i'm worried to hear what people will say.
i'm scared. but not scared enough to back out.
i'm getting my first tattoo this saturday. not tomorrow, but the 19th. i'm so nervous right now that i can't think straight and my arm is hurting in anticipation. i've wanted this tattoo for a while now, but it doesn't mean i'm not nervous. why am i nervous? because i'm scared of what my family will say. i'm nervous to even tell them. i don't have to tell them today, but i have a week. and the thing is, is i know what they're going to say, i just don't want to hear it. because i've thought through this.
"not every where you go is accepting of tattoos."
...but i can still cover it.
"when you're 60 things on your body will start beginning the phase of being wrinkly and you chance it not looking good anymore."
...but seriously, what will look good on me at that point?
"you risk guys not being attracted to you as much because of it."
.....but i wouldn't want to date a guy that i'd have to change myself for anyway.
"you may not like it in 5 years."
......but there's always removal.
the fact is, is i'm a people pleaser and i know this without a shadow of a doubt. it's my worst and best quality. but i have to stop. i have to be myself.... i feel like i've already said all this. i just need some encouragement. it's amazing how much encouragement i need to void the few un-encouraging words.
it's my first tattoo
it's going to be bigger than i thought
it's going to hurt
and i'm worried to hear what people will say.
i'm scared. but not scared enough to back out.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
i wonder.....
If they make Flying V mandolins... if they do, i want one. vintage yellow plz.
if Skinny will let me play Jazz (Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Fred Astaire, Nina Simone, Doris Day) music while i get my tattoo. it makes me happy and calms me down.
if Skinny will let me play Jazz (Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Fred Astaire, Nina Simone, Doris Day) music while i get my tattoo. it makes me happy and calms me down.
this is my bad body double...
today i learned that i deny myself a lot. i deny my true nature and lie to myself saying "no you're really not like that..."
but i am.
i lack self confidence. i don't see myself the way others do. i don't want to believe people when they say what they say. i KNOW who i am. but the second someone second guesses me, i lose it.
i went today to Ace to talk to Skinny about my tattoo and to set up an appointment. i'm excited and nervous and impatient and ready. honestly i've reached this weird calm about it. i don't know how to explain it. it's kind of this mentality where it's not that i'm nervous in the sense that i'm going to regret it, that i'm going to not like it in 20 years... i'm nervous for the pain. i'm nervous that me getting tattoos will cause some guy i'm totally into to not be into me. but tattoos may be some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. i'm obsessed with them. i seriously do pray that God will bless me with a husband that is covered in tattoos. i'm THAT person that stares at people who have them not because they're weird but because i'm infatuated by their tattoos. i always want to stop people and ask them what they mean, why they got them on that part of their body, if they regret it, if they want more... etc... it actually was really encouraging to talk to Skinny..... he was working with a girl there on hers too and while he was sketching hers up, i got to talkin to her and she asked me if i was nervous... i told her the main reason i was worried is that i'm scared that as i get tattoos, guys won't be attracted to me. without skipping a beat, Skinny turned to me and just laughed and said, ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS?! hahaha... i didn't have to ask what he meant... haha... then the girl said yeah seriously sweet heart, my husband has been practically begging me to get a sleeve.
so with that said. let the tattoos begin. :)
it's easy to encourage me and discourage me. just a few simple words or even a mere inflection in the words will do the trick.
it seems that almost every year there's something i'm extra excited about. by this time next year i'll have hopefully finished up CPCC, gotten at least 2 of my tattoos, moved uptown, and gotten a dog. but i'm willing to wait. i'm thankful for these frustrating times in life. i'm thankful God is making me wait for little things and big things. for breaking me. for stripping me down so that i honestly can't be anything but the woman he made... oh how blasphemous am i to try to be something other than whom God made?
i'm tired of hushing my true self because i don't want people to think i'm foolish. i wish people didn't say "oh come on! don't _______!" look, just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean i shouldn't. God made me with these passions for a reason and there will be a time and place for them.
i'm such a weird girl.
i'm attracted to the opposite of me. i love the 40's and Jazz music. i like sports and fishing. i love tattoos and hard core music. i can't describe my style. i'm too nice for my own good. i love big dogs. i love video games and music and concerts. i love cliff diving and i'm scared of trains. i sometimes sneeze when i brush my teeth and cough when i clean my right ear. i want to own my own coffee shop and music venue. i was always just one of the guys growing up. i love make up and fire red lip stick. i love pop art and classical music. i eat really weird... borderline vegetarian with rarely any processed food. i have an extremely addictive personality. i don't put up with ANY kind of crap from guys. i'm spontaneous and don't ask a million questions or think things through... i just do and pray for the best. i'm learning the mandolin and can sing. i'm a christian.
but i am.
i lack self confidence. i don't see myself the way others do. i don't want to believe people when they say what they say. i KNOW who i am. but the second someone second guesses me, i lose it.
i went today to Ace to talk to Skinny about my tattoo and to set up an appointment. i'm excited and nervous and impatient and ready. honestly i've reached this weird calm about it. i don't know how to explain it. it's kind of this mentality where it's not that i'm nervous in the sense that i'm going to regret it, that i'm going to not like it in 20 years... i'm nervous for the pain. i'm nervous that me getting tattoos will cause some guy i'm totally into to not be into me. but tattoos may be some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. i'm obsessed with them. i seriously do pray that God will bless me with a husband that is covered in tattoos. i'm THAT person that stares at people who have them not because they're weird but because i'm infatuated by their tattoos. i always want to stop people and ask them what they mean, why they got them on that part of their body, if they regret it, if they want more... etc... it actually was really encouraging to talk to Skinny..... he was working with a girl there on hers too and while he was sketching hers up, i got to talkin to her and she asked me if i was nervous... i told her the main reason i was worried is that i'm scared that as i get tattoos, guys won't be attracted to me. without skipping a beat, Skinny turned to me and just laughed and said, ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS?! hahaha... i didn't have to ask what he meant... haha... then the girl said yeah seriously sweet heart, my husband has been practically begging me to get a sleeve.
so with that said. let the tattoos begin. :)
it's easy to encourage me and discourage me. just a few simple words or even a mere inflection in the words will do the trick.
it seems that almost every year there's something i'm extra excited about. by this time next year i'll have hopefully finished up CPCC, gotten at least 2 of my tattoos, moved uptown, and gotten a dog. but i'm willing to wait. i'm thankful for these frustrating times in life. i'm thankful God is making me wait for little things and big things. for breaking me. for stripping me down so that i honestly can't be anything but the woman he made... oh how blasphemous am i to try to be something other than whom God made?
i'm tired of hushing my true self because i don't want people to think i'm foolish. i wish people didn't say "oh come on! don't _______!" look, just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean i shouldn't. God made me with these passions for a reason and there will be a time and place for them.
i'm such a weird girl.
i'm attracted to the opposite of me. i love the 40's and Jazz music. i like sports and fishing. i love tattoos and hard core music. i can't describe my style. i'm too nice for my own good. i love big dogs. i love video games and music and concerts. i love cliff diving and i'm scared of trains. i sometimes sneeze when i brush my teeth and cough when i clean my right ear. i want to own my own coffee shop and music venue. i was always just one of the guys growing up. i love make up and fire red lip stick. i love pop art and classical music. i eat really weird... borderline vegetarian with rarely any processed food. i have an extremely addictive personality. i don't put up with ANY kind of crap from guys. i'm spontaneous and don't ask a million questions or think things through... i just do and pray for the best. i'm learning the mandolin and can sing. i'm a christian.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
new
School has started yet again. there's always a bitter sweetness to it. i like being busy, having things to do, but sometimes i need a break... that and i get bored easy. for now this is new and interesting... new people, new buildings, new things to learn about. but after a while it all gets so redundant and irritating.
I started going to Elevation Church last Sunday. i seriously am loving this church. of course there are things that are a little ridiculous. but i know that my perfect church doesn't exist. thankfully the things that are a little silly aren't big enough to ruin the church for me. I've grown so much spiritually already through this church. I've been listening a lot to their online sermons. it's so refreshing to finally be in a church where i feel challenged and encouraged and humbled and most of all, excited to come to.
i got a job at Lucky Brand Jeans a week ago ^_^ I'm way stoked. seriously, i think I'm REALLY going to love this job. my manager is one of the worship pastors at Warehouse 242 Church downtown, so needless to say, that's amazing. it's going to be so nice to finally work with a solid Christian. all my co-workers are really sweet too. i haven't had a REAL official work day yet, but I've come in for a store meeting and tomorrow i go in for training. it'll just be nice to finally work somewhere i fit.
I'm so ready for my tattoos. i almost feel weird not having them. I've checked out a lot of artists and I've almost had it done twice by two different guys. but i kept backing out. i finally have decided on Skinny down at Ace Custom Tattoo. not only have i heard SOOOO many good things about him, but according to one of his good friends who's a good friend of mine, he's been pseudo seeking spiritually and me getting my tattoos from him would be a huge witness. that's reason enough for me. both of my tattoos scream Christ. I'm beyond excited and ready.
i hope i don't come across as cliche or fake.
sometimes when i see people, i want to stop them and ask them what they're thinking. it's just strange to me. sometimes i can't see how people couldn't believe in Christianity. but i guess it's just because I'm starting to really get it all. life would seem so empty and meaningless. my heart and mind has changed so much recently. things i used to think were ok, just don't seem right anymore. it's so strange.
Despite all this, I'm lonely. and not even in the sense that I'm really wanting a boyfriend. sure that'd be nice and all, but that's not it. he wouldn't be able to really fulfill all my needs... i just hate doing things alone. i miss going on random road trips, i miss the late nights, i miss going cliff diving, i miss walking around the city of Charlotte...... i hope and pray as i continue to go to Elevation, I'll get involved and meet new people and find a core group of friends again. :/
so life is good. I'm just a little bit lonely.
I started going to Elevation Church last Sunday. i seriously am loving this church. of course there are things that are a little ridiculous. but i know that my perfect church doesn't exist. thankfully the things that are a little silly aren't big enough to ruin the church for me. I've grown so much spiritually already through this church. I've been listening a lot to their online sermons. it's so refreshing to finally be in a church where i feel challenged and encouraged and humbled and most of all, excited to come to.
i got a job at Lucky Brand Jeans a week ago ^_^ I'm way stoked. seriously, i think I'm REALLY going to love this job. my manager is one of the worship pastors at Warehouse 242 Church downtown, so needless to say, that's amazing. it's going to be so nice to finally work with a solid Christian. all my co-workers are really sweet too. i haven't had a REAL official work day yet, but I've come in for a store meeting and tomorrow i go in for training. it'll just be nice to finally work somewhere i fit.
I'm so ready for my tattoos. i almost feel weird not having them. I've checked out a lot of artists and I've almost had it done twice by two different guys. but i kept backing out. i finally have decided on Skinny down at Ace Custom Tattoo. not only have i heard SOOOO many good things about him, but according to one of his good friends who's a good friend of mine, he's been pseudo seeking spiritually and me getting my tattoos from him would be a huge witness. that's reason enough for me. both of my tattoos scream Christ. I'm beyond excited and ready.
i hope i don't come across as cliche or fake.
sometimes when i see people, i want to stop them and ask them what they're thinking. it's just strange to me. sometimes i can't see how people couldn't believe in Christianity. but i guess it's just because I'm starting to really get it all. life would seem so empty and meaningless. my heart and mind has changed so much recently. things i used to think were ok, just don't seem right anymore. it's so strange.
Despite all this, I'm lonely. and not even in the sense that I'm really wanting a boyfriend. sure that'd be nice and all, but that's not it. he wouldn't be able to really fulfill all my needs... i just hate doing things alone. i miss going on random road trips, i miss the late nights, i miss going cliff diving, i miss walking around the city of Charlotte...... i hope and pray as i continue to go to Elevation, I'll get involved and meet new people and find a core group of friends again. :/
so life is good. I'm just a little bit lonely.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
random thoughts.
i really really love tattoos. i've often considered getting a quarter sleeve... but i'm scared one day i'll regret it. i also don't know what i'd get it of....... i hope my husband is covered in them......
every time i clean my right ear, i cough.
brushing my teeth sometimes make me sneeze.
i'm lonely.
sometimes i think it'd be a lot of fun to open up a coffee shop. or a music venue. or both... combined into one.
i really only like hot weather when i'm at the beach or pool or lake.
i wish i had the courage to stand up to rude customers.
it disgusts me the way our nation is so overweight.
i wish i needed glasses.
every time i clean my right ear, i cough.
brushing my teeth sometimes make me sneeze.
i'm lonely.
sometimes i think it'd be a lot of fun to open up a coffee shop. or a music venue. or both... combined into one.
i really only like hot weather when i'm at the beach or pool or lake.
i wish i had the courage to stand up to rude customers.
it disgusts me the way our nation is so overweight.
i wish i needed glasses.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
finally i feel old
i moved out almost 2 weeks ago and already i've found myself growing so much.
words can't express what i've gone through...
so i'll keep practicing my mandolin in hopes that one day i'll sit in a dark obscure music hall playing my music expressing my heart through songs of hope and love and failure. songs of adventures and birds and thunderstorms.
but until then i'll write nonsense in my journal praying it makes sense once music is put to it.
words can't express what i've gone through...
so i'll keep practicing my mandolin in hopes that one day i'll sit in a dark obscure music hall playing my music expressing my heart through songs of hope and love and failure. songs of adventures and birds and thunderstorms.
but until then i'll write nonsense in my journal praying it makes sense once music is put to it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Cali
so i don't get it...
over the past year i've been surrounded by people from cali or are going to cali. i even made a random friend over there... his name is Joey. he got me listening to his radio station over there. pretty awesome stuff if i do say so myself...
itunes>radio>public>KXLU
so i've had 3 friends move to cali. my pastor and his fam are from cali. my roommate and like 6 (no exageration) other friends of mine are from cali.
and i want to go to cali.
over the past year i've been surrounded by people from cali or are going to cali. i even made a random friend over there... his name is Joey. he got me listening to his radio station over there. pretty awesome stuff if i do say so myself...
itunes>radio>public>KXLU
so i've had 3 friends move to cali. my pastor and his fam are from cali. my roommate and like 6 (no exageration) other friends of mine are from cali.
and i want to go to cali.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Wrestling in the Night
i got a new devotional book today. it's the the message//remix: solo.
i read the first 2 and i really like them. they get me thinking about scripture in a way i haven't before.
for day 2 it has you reading the passage genesis 32:22-32. it asks you first how you can relate to this passage.... to picture yourself in it. i don't know where i fit in it... who or what i can relate to. but as i think about it... i'm Jacob. i'm constantly wrestling with God. i feel like i really struggle to just let go with a lot of things in my life. even though i often think... this is silly! just let go and move on! but then i try, and i fall back down.
then, the book asks you to try to get comfortable with God. to trust God and reveal the inner most parts of your heart to him. as soon as i read that i felt nauseous, and oddly comforted. i often realize that i have a lot of little things to work on in my life....... anyways. it's a good devotional.
i can't wait to get my tattoo. i've been planning and plotting this thing out for almost 5 years... but my idea changes so much. i've at least consistently stayed with the idea of a sparrow. i just have to some how find a way to combine a sparrow and the passage Matthew 22:37-40. something came to mind as i was talking a friend last night. he was venting to me about life stuff... he wants so badly to start serving God in ways never done before. to start a movement... he just doesn't know how. as we talked, all i knew to say was,
"you know, i don't have the answers to all these things, but i do know one thing. i know that God tells us above all other things, we must love him.... love him in ways we never thought possible. God also tells us to love others like we love ourselves."
...but how can we really love people if don't love ourselves? maybe this is why i struggle so much to be patient with some people, or to look past the flaws in some people. maybe because i'm impatient with myself, or because i can't see myself the way others see me, or learn to forgive myself, i don't know how to really be patient with others, or see others, or forgive others.
so i guess the first order of business would be to learn how to forgive myself. to stop looking at the tiny blotch on the big white canvas and realize that i AM capable of great things. i need to see that the things i'm focusing on don't matter... like the clothes i wear or my appearance or whether or not i have a boyfriend...etc....... i need to learn how to be patient with myself when i don't understand things right away or when i can't seem to lose this last little bit of weight that makes me really self concious. i need to learn how to see myself the way others see me.... oh what i'd give to see myself through the eyes of my mother or my father..... *sigh* what i'd give to have the faith of a child again........
i read the first 2 and i really like them. they get me thinking about scripture in a way i haven't before.
for day 2 it has you reading the passage genesis 32:22-32. it asks you first how you can relate to this passage.... to picture yourself in it. i don't know where i fit in it... who or what i can relate to. but as i think about it... i'm Jacob. i'm constantly wrestling with God. i feel like i really struggle to just let go with a lot of things in my life. even though i often think... this is silly! just let go and move on! but then i try, and i fall back down.
then, the book asks you to try to get comfortable with God. to trust God and reveal the inner most parts of your heart to him. as soon as i read that i felt nauseous, and oddly comforted. i often realize that i have a lot of little things to work on in my life....... anyways. it's a good devotional.
i can't wait to get my tattoo. i've been planning and plotting this thing out for almost 5 years... but my idea changes so much. i've at least consistently stayed with the idea of a sparrow. i just have to some how find a way to combine a sparrow and the passage Matthew 22:37-40. something came to mind as i was talking a friend last night. he was venting to me about life stuff... he wants so badly to start serving God in ways never done before. to start a movement... he just doesn't know how. as we talked, all i knew to say was,
"you know, i don't have the answers to all these things, but i do know one thing. i know that God tells us above all other things, we must love him.... love him in ways we never thought possible. God also tells us to love others like we love ourselves."
...but how can we really love people if don't love ourselves? maybe this is why i struggle so much to be patient with some people, or to look past the flaws in some people. maybe because i'm impatient with myself, or because i can't see myself the way others see me, or learn to forgive myself, i don't know how to really be patient with others, or see others, or forgive others.
so i guess the first order of business would be to learn how to forgive myself. to stop looking at the tiny blotch on the big white canvas and realize that i AM capable of great things. i need to see that the things i'm focusing on don't matter... like the clothes i wear or my appearance or whether or not i have a boyfriend...etc....... i need to learn how to be patient with myself when i don't understand things right away or when i can't seem to lose this last little bit of weight that makes me really self concious. i need to learn how to see myself the way others see me.... oh what i'd give to see myself through the eyes of my mother or my father..... *sigh* what i'd give to have the faith of a child again........
Saturday, April 11, 2009
scattered thoughts...as usual
i turned my music off for once. my window is open and the fresh breeze is blowing in... i don't do this often, but i should do it more. i hate silence, so i play music a lot. but now that it's spring, there are so many birds singing that i can't help but shut my music off... it really is making my heart happy, in a melancholy sort of way.
i'm excited for may. april needs to be done. i'm moving (finally) may 10th(ish). i feel like i've been begging God for a new beginning. a way to get out of what i'm in now, and way to start over. i've some how found myself in not so glorifying positions at work and life and such. i think i'm finally getting what i asked for. it's just i often stop, and look at myself, and catch myself thinking... this isn't really who i want to be.... but i don't know how to get there. i want to be THAT girl. Ryan, if you read this, you'll know what i mean... but for everyone else... THAT girl is the girl who everyone feels they can talk to. that they truly don't judge others, and they love peace and love, love. the person that realizes that sometimes you really don't know all the answers to life, but still runs towards God like there's no tomorrow. i want to be the person that people can look up to, but don't feel intimidated by.
i've gone through so much just in this year... i hadn't realized it until the other day....... no wonder my heart has been so tired....... if i could sum everything i've learned in to anything, it'd be this:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:-37-40
basically this is going to be my tattoo. i've got a bunch of ideas (sparrow, star, ant, tree, a couple different quotes...) that i've thought would be amazing tattoos... so many so that i highly considered getting a sleeve... but even though i'd love it now, i'd probably not like it when i'm like...50? but i love tattoos... a lot... and that verse sums up all my tattoo ideas into one. i hope to get it done this summer. i don't know where i'll get it yet. i'm thinking rib cage on the left side.
i'm just ready to be rid of all this dumb crap in my life. i feel like my life is cluttered... both mentally and physically. i need to cut things out and start getting simplistic with everything. i want to stop worrying about all the little things and take steps forward. i want to clean my room and get rid of all these little meaningless things. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don't wear and donate them to the poor. i want to stop being the person i am now, and start being the person i want to be. i want to stop worrying about what others think. i want to love on others and just let go of the past.
...
i wish i could play my mandolin better
i wish i had better fashion sense
i wish i had longer hair
i wish i had a dog
...i wish i had more faith...
i wish my nose was peirced and i had my tattoo
i wish i could stop worrying
i wish it was may.......
i wish i had a more meaningful job
i wish i wasn't so lazy
i wish i had more motivation
i'm thankful though...
i'm thankful for my church
for my friends
for my relationship with God
for my parents
for God's timing
for learning
for music
for pretty weather
for new beginnings
for coffee :)
for the way God made me
for awareness
with all that said. i'm going to clean my room now. i have pretty much the whole day to clean and begin the packing process.... just 29 more days until i'm out of this house... that's my motivation.
i'm excited for may. april needs to be done. i'm moving (finally) may 10th(ish). i feel like i've been begging God for a new beginning. a way to get out of what i'm in now, and way to start over. i've some how found myself in not so glorifying positions at work and life and such. i think i'm finally getting what i asked for. it's just i often stop, and look at myself, and catch myself thinking... this isn't really who i want to be.... but i don't know how to get there. i want to be THAT girl. Ryan, if you read this, you'll know what i mean... but for everyone else... THAT girl is the girl who everyone feels they can talk to. that they truly don't judge others, and they love peace and love, love. the person that realizes that sometimes you really don't know all the answers to life, but still runs towards God like there's no tomorrow. i want to be the person that people can look up to, but don't feel intimidated by.
i've gone through so much just in this year... i hadn't realized it until the other day....... no wonder my heart has been so tired....... if i could sum everything i've learned in to anything, it'd be this:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:-37-40
basically this is going to be my tattoo. i've got a bunch of ideas (sparrow, star, ant, tree, a couple different quotes...) that i've thought would be amazing tattoos... so many so that i highly considered getting a sleeve... but even though i'd love it now, i'd probably not like it when i'm like...50? but i love tattoos... a lot... and that verse sums up all my tattoo ideas into one. i hope to get it done this summer. i don't know where i'll get it yet. i'm thinking rib cage on the left side.
i'm just ready to be rid of all this dumb crap in my life. i feel like my life is cluttered... both mentally and physically. i need to cut things out and start getting simplistic with everything. i want to stop worrying about all the little things and take steps forward. i want to clean my room and get rid of all these little meaningless things. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don't wear and donate them to the poor. i want to stop being the person i am now, and start being the person i want to be. i want to stop worrying about what others think. i want to love on others and just let go of the past.
...
i wish i could play my mandolin better
i wish i had better fashion sense
i wish i had longer hair
i wish i had a dog
...i wish i had more faith...
i wish my nose was peirced and i had my tattoo
i wish i could stop worrying
i wish it was may.......
i wish i had a more meaningful job
i wish i wasn't so lazy
i wish i had more motivation
i'm thankful though...
i'm thankful for my church
for my friends
for my relationship with God
for my parents
for God's timing
for learning
for music
for pretty weather
for new beginnings
for coffee :)
for the way God made me
for awareness
with all that said. i'm going to clean my room now. i have pretty much the whole day to clean and begin the packing process.... just 29 more days until i'm out of this house... that's my motivation.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
things i love
drinking hot tea right before bed
leaving the window open all night
way too many covers and pillows so i get buried in their mass
driving with my windows down
burning candles
sleeping in
eating healthy
finding new bands
watching the stars
sitting in the sun
dogs
new beginnings
adventures
my family
my friends
my church
leaving the window open all night
way too many covers and pillows so i get buried in their mass
driving with my windows down
burning candles
sleeping in
eating healthy
finding new bands
watching the stars
sitting in the sun
dogs
new beginnings
adventures
my family
my friends
my church
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
trader joe's bag and a little bit of confidence
i've been learning a lot about myself lately. a lot... more than i probably ever wanted to actually.
one huge thing i think i've always known but never wanted to face was my lack of confidence. now when i say that i don't exactly mean just the typical lack of confidence in appearance, i mean i lack confidence in just about every area of life. worst of all, i lack confidence in sharing my love for God with others i don't know. i get shy when i begin to tell others that i really do love the God of Christianity, that i strive to be more like Him, that i'm running after Him, blindly, but running as fast as i can.
i'm admitting to the fact that a lot of what i do, say, wear, is because of others around me. i'm like a chameleon of sorts. i often think of things i want to wear, but i'm scared to because i don't want to be teased. or i won't wear certain things because i know the person i've got my eye on won't think that's cute or attractive.
and quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
for example... i cut my hair short because i was told by a few friends that they loved my hair short... well, i don't! i like bits about it, but not completely. i don't feel like myself. i think i told myself a lot that i liked it short just to try to talk myself into liking it...... but i miss being able to wear it curly, i miss the way it made me feel girly, i miss it falling in my face, i miss the way it trapped the warm sunshine within itself and then fell on my neck and face only to release the suns warmth on me......
so today i stepped out of my comfort zone. let me first back track and just say that i no longer believe in irony. irony is just a fancy term for God's perfect timing. right, so, today i was sitting in my not so usual starbucks TRYING to study... i couldn't focus. i was thinking about this whole subject, on top of the way our culture is and how rough it has become because of this economy. i was thinking about moving out... what has to be done and packed and bought and such before it can happen. right so after i journaled for a bit i realized that i really needed my computer, which i didn't have with me. so i started to head home. as i was walking out to my car i walked by a homeless woman. i've seen her a lot actually. her name is Gayle (i don't know how she spells it). she's never asked me for money... she's only smiled and politely asked me how i was or made a nice comment about something i had. much like how i would to another girl ("i looove your purse!" or "your hair is really cute!"). well as i walked by, she mentioned that she liked my bag. it's a trader joes bag that i've been using as a purse... i know... i'm strange. but i liked it. i thanked her and as i flopped into my car it was like the momentum flung my heart to my stomach. my heart ached for her.
"but what can I do for her?!"
i began to have an internal battle in my brain. i have not a lot of money to my name, and the money i do have i'm saving for when i move out. so then i thought... what do i have? as i looked around, i saw my bag, and i remembered i had a few bucks in my wallet and my bible. i knew right away i needed to give them to her... but not just give them to her and walk off... my heart ached to talk to her. but i'm not very good at starting conversations sometimes. so i grabbed my bag, dumped it out on my back seat, grabbed my bible and the few bucks in my wallet and stuck them in the bible and headed back to her. i honestly have no idea how i started the conversation... i just remember praying that God would speak through me. as i sat, i saw a different part of my heart i hadn't seen before... a passion arise that i hadn't noticed until then. Gayle is a 60 year old, homeless, sweet and compassionate woman. but there is no where for her to go. the Hall House only accepts women with kids in school. Jackson park is similar. but she can not find a job (or so she claims... though with the way this economy is, i don't doubt it). she sleeps behind restaurants on cardboard. as i sat there talking to her, i almost wept.
it's just not fair. she is a human being with a heart and soul. a heart that breaths and feels and pumps life into her body. i don't get it... it's like God gave me new eyes... i can't treat people the same way. being rude to people is hard. yeah i get irritated at people but i know how i feel when people make comments about this or that....... heck! it's what has gotten me here!!! it's like i can hear them all saying those things again... and that same knot, that same swelling chocking feeling comes back with every memory. Gayle is no better than me, and i'm no better than her.
Come on people! when are you going to open your eyes and see what is going on around us!? people are dying on the streets! people are going hungry!
WORST OF ALL!!!
people are getting a HORRID impression of who God IS what Christians are. when are we going to Love like He loved? when are we going to begin to treat others how we want to be treated?
i witnessed one of the simplest acts of kindness the other day at work. an older gentleman lingered at the register while 2 women ordered their drinks, as they began to pay he interrupted them and said, "no no, wait... it's on me... now it's your turn to do something for someone else"
i almost cried when this happened. i don't know why but it honestly blew me away. i haven't seen such simple sweet kindness in such a long time. it's about dang time something happened!
call me a hippie, but seriously, all we need is Love. and God is Love. so all we need is God.
i mean why do you think we all hurt so much when we're single? why do we crave friendship? why do we long to hear a few simple words of encouragement? why does it hurt so badly when someone says something harsh?
We need love!
so i'm tired of it all, i'm ready for change. i'm ready for the church to stand up and start being true Christians. one's that speak highly of their Lord and Father. Christian's that don't make Christianity sound cheap and cheesy. Gah... i know tracts work, but i swear sometimes when i see them i want to rip them apart and burn them. THIS IS THE LORD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! what i slap in the face! i can't help but think how i'd feel if someone gave others little poorly drawn cartoon booklets with happy go lucky cheesy phrases that described me. a little handout that scared them into a pseudo relationship with me. that's not real LOVE. it's things like this that almost made me abandon my faith. you say tracts brought you to Christ, i say they almost tore me away.
so what am i getting at? what's my point?
my point is, is that people don't think about what they say or do. that the Creator of everything called Himself Love, and commanded us to Love like He Loved, and we're doing a shoddy job at it if you ask me. our actions and words are causing people like me and Gayle to fall short. to lack confidence in ourselves. to fall into temptation and then into sin.
and i'm so sick of it.
watch this.... maybe it'll help translate what is in my heart.
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory/
one huge thing i think i've always known but never wanted to face was my lack of confidence. now when i say that i don't exactly mean just the typical lack of confidence in appearance, i mean i lack confidence in just about every area of life. worst of all, i lack confidence in sharing my love for God with others i don't know. i get shy when i begin to tell others that i really do love the God of Christianity, that i strive to be more like Him, that i'm running after Him, blindly, but running as fast as i can.
i'm admitting to the fact that a lot of what i do, say, wear, is because of others around me. i'm like a chameleon of sorts. i often think of things i want to wear, but i'm scared to because i don't want to be teased. or i won't wear certain things because i know the person i've got my eye on won't think that's cute or attractive.
and quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
for example... i cut my hair short because i was told by a few friends that they loved my hair short... well, i don't! i like bits about it, but not completely. i don't feel like myself. i think i told myself a lot that i liked it short just to try to talk myself into liking it...... but i miss being able to wear it curly, i miss the way it made me feel girly, i miss it falling in my face, i miss the way it trapped the warm sunshine within itself and then fell on my neck and face only to release the suns warmth on me......
so today i stepped out of my comfort zone. let me first back track and just say that i no longer believe in irony. irony is just a fancy term for God's perfect timing. right, so, today i was sitting in my not so usual starbucks TRYING to study... i couldn't focus. i was thinking about this whole subject, on top of the way our culture is and how rough it has become because of this economy. i was thinking about moving out... what has to be done and packed and bought and such before it can happen. right so after i journaled for a bit i realized that i really needed my computer, which i didn't have with me. so i started to head home. as i was walking out to my car i walked by a homeless woman. i've seen her a lot actually. her name is Gayle (i don't know how she spells it). she's never asked me for money... she's only smiled and politely asked me how i was or made a nice comment about something i had. much like how i would to another girl ("i looove your purse!" or "your hair is really cute!"). well as i walked by, she mentioned that she liked my bag. it's a trader joes bag that i've been using as a purse... i know... i'm strange. but i liked it. i thanked her and as i flopped into my car it was like the momentum flung my heart to my stomach. my heart ached for her.
"but what can I do for her?!"
i began to have an internal battle in my brain. i have not a lot of money to my name, and the money i do have i'm saving for when i move out. so then i thought... what do i have? as i looked around, i saw my bag, and i remembered i had a few bucks in my wallet and my bible. i knew right away i needed to give them to her... but not just give them to her and walk off... my heart ached to talk to her. but i'm not very good at starting conversations sometimes. so i grabbed my bag, dumped it out on my back seat, grabbed my bible and the few bucks in my wallet and stuck them in the bible and headed back to her. i honestly have no idea how i started the conversation... i just remember praying that God would speak through me. as i sat, i saw a different part of my heart i hadn't seen before... a passion arise that i hadn't noticed until then. Gayle is a 60 year old, homeless, sweet and compassionate woman. but there is no where for her to go. the Hall House only accepts women with kids in school. Jackson park is similar. but she can not find a job (or so she claims... though with the way this economy is, i don't doubt it). she sleeps behind restaurants on cardboard. as i sat there talking to her, i almost wept.
it's just not fair. she is a human being with a heart and soul. a heart that breaths and feels and pumps life into her body. i don't get it... it's like God gave me new eyes... i can't treat people the same way. being rude to people is hard. yeah i get irritated at people but i know how i feel when people make comments about this or that....... heck! it's what has gotten me here!!! it's like i can hear them all saying those things again... and that same knot, that same swelling chocking feeling comes back with every memory. Gayle is no better than me, and i'm no better than her.
Come on people! when are you going to open your eyes and see what is going on around us!? people are dying on the streets! people are going hungry!
WORST OF ALL!!!
people are getting a HORRID impression of who God IS what Christians are. when are we going to Love like He loved? when are we going to begin to treat others how we want to be treated?
i witnessed one of the simplest acts of kindness the other day at work. an older gentleman lingered at the register while 2 women ordered their drinks, as they began to pay he interrupted them and said, "no no, wait... it's on me... now it's your turn to do something for someone else"
i almost cried when this happened. i don't know why but it honestly blew me away. i haven't seen such simple sweet kindness in such a long time. it's about dang time something happened!
call me a hippie, but seriously, all we need is Love. and God is Love. so all we need is God.
i mean why do you think we all hurt so much when we're single? why do we crave friendship? why do we long to hear a few simple words of encouragement? why does it hurt so badly when someone says something harsh?
We need love!
so i'm tired of it all, i'm ready for change. i'm ready for the church to stand up and start being true Christians. one's that speak highly of their Lord and Father. Christian's that don't make Christianity sound cheap and cheesy. Gah... i know tracts work, but i swear sometimes when i see them i want to rip them apart and burn them. THIS IS THE LORD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! what i slap in the face! i can't help but think how i'd feel if someone gave others little poorly drawn cartoon booklets with happy go lucky cheesy phrases that described me. a little handout that scared them into a pseudo relationship with me. that's not real LOVE. it's things like this that almost made me abandon my faith. you say tracts brought you to Christ, i say they almost tore me away.
so what am i getting at? what's my point?
my point is, is that people don't think about what they say or do. that the Creator of everything called Himself Love, and commanded us to Love like He Loved, and we're doing a shoddy job at it if you ask me. our actions and words are causing people like me and Gayle to fall short. to lack confidence in ourselves. to fall into temptation and then into sin.
and i'm so sick of it.
watch this.... maybe it'll help translate what is in my heart.
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory/
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
i might pee my pants...
so i'm moving out... it's official. after so many years (ok just 3... but that's a long time!) i finally get to have a place to call my own!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
well dangit.
i wish i was better at not wearing my heart on my sleeve... but i'm not one to hide how i feel.
i will feel better... just got a lot on my mind :)
i will feel better... just got a lot on my mind :)
Friday, March 13, 2009
spot light in Gil's apartment
i saw the spot light in Gil's apartment that FDV (http://www.myspace.com/fdvsound) used as their myspace background and such and it inspired this... i drew this today. it still needs some work...
inspired drawing.
up at the top it says,
"But i'll never understand the way our hearts and minds intertwine as they scream out for freedom like our souls cry out for redemption."
yes, i wrote that... don't worry, it doesn't have to make sense to you.
sometimes i draw things...
Gas Mask. inspired by my pastor's wife Julie. she told us how she see's this generation of Christian's as having gas masks on. that God wants to rain down and breath new life into us, but we're scared... so we hide and put on gas masks... i drew this one on March 10th 2009
my thoughts seem scattered...
so.
i accidentally ground my coffee too fine for my french press... this could be interesting...
in other news.
i've been talking to my parents a lot about moving out. it blows my mind just how differently my father and i communicate. he doesn't understand the fact i think out load a lot. i haven't really decided anything yet, nor do i really have the opportunities that i want.
right now this is my lame(ish?) situation:
i have approximately 2 classes left until i get my Associates degree at cpcc. i'll be done next semester. as far as SEBC goes (the bible college i'm at), i have such mixed feelings about being there. it's a mix of i'm really struggling to learn there, and i just don't like it! haha... i just do not learn the way most schools teach. i'm a very hands on person when it comes to learning. for example, it hasn't been too terribley difficult for me to learn mandolin because i can actually physically do it. nor was throwing pottery (not literrally... lol... it's the term you use when you make pottery on the wheel). but i dare you to lecture at me and see if i learn anything. i can't just sit and take notes and learn that way.......hmmm..... i wonder if that's why i have a hard time learning in church sometimes...... it's not that i don't want to learn about apologetics, it's just so difficult for me to learn that way. so i had considered just finishing up degree at cpcc just for the sake of having it and then quitting sebc. i mean why not finish when i'm this close. but i really wasn't sure i wanted to go back to sebc. the thing is, is i continue to feel a tug on my heart to be involved deeply in ministry in some way/shape/form. i know God has given me a passion for the arts... music and photography especially. so this is where i've come. i crave so badly to move out completely on my own. to have my own place and be able to decorate it and have people over and rescue a puppy dog... but that's all just physical wants... i love my parents deeply. i trust them and look up to them, but i'm ready. i'm ready to take that next step in my life. i feel so young and immature and unwise when i'm living at home....... but i know that's just my own perception of how my parents see me. i know they're proud of me... they tell me that a lot. so here's what all this non-sense comes down to. a good friend of mine, Michele, is letting me stay in her spare room for a little bit a month until i can afford to move out on my own. but, i think i'll just stay for the weekends. my parents actually are truly amazing. after quite a few talks about it all, not bad, just not, great? i dunno... they were just kind of tense cause they're blunt with me about life and such. but! today i got talking to my mom about it all again and we were laughing about some stuff and then she said... so your father and i were talking about this last night (oh gosh... never a good way to start a sentence...) and we decided that if you will just hold off a little bit longer, then we will meet you half way with your expenses and help you slowly get to where you can fully pay for it all yourself. :) it hasn't sunk in yet... but, i'll wait... :) i'll wait for that.
but seriously...
i hate school.
i need a mentor, and to work out more, and learn self-control and how to control my thoughts and how to trust and...yeah...
i accidentally ground my coffee too fine for my french press... this could be interesting...
in other news.
i've been talking to my parents a lot about moving out. it blows my mind just how differently my father and i communicate. he doesn't understand the fact i think out load a lot. i haven't really decided anything yet, nor do i really have the opportunities that i want.
right now this is my lame(ish?) situation:
i have approximately 2 classes left until i get my Associates degree at cpcc. i'll be done next semester. as far as SEBC goes (the bible college i'm at), i have such mixed feelings about being there. it's a mix of i'm really struggling to learn there, and i just don't like it! haha... i just do not learn the way most schools teach. i'm a very hands on person when it comes to learning. for example, it hasn't been too terribley difficult for me to learn mandolin because i can actually physically do it. nor was throwing pottery (not literrally... lol... it's the term you use when you make pottery on the wheel). but i dare you to lecture at me and see if i learn anything. i can't just sit and take notes and learn that way.......hmmm..... i wonder if that's why i have a hard time learning in church sometimes...... it's not that i don't want to learn about apologetics, it's just so difficult for me to learn that way. so i had considered just finishing up degree at cpcc just for the sake of having it and then quitting sebc. i mean why not finish when i'm this close. but i really wasn't sure i wanted to go back to sebc. the thing is, is i continue to feel a tug on my heart to be involved deeply in ministry in some way/shape/form. i know God has given me a passion for the arts... music and photography especially. so this is where i've come. i crave so badly to move out completely on my own. to have my own place and be able to decorate it and have people over and rescue a puppy dog... but that's all just physical wants... i love my parents deeply. i trust them and look up to them, but i'm ready. i'm ready to take that next step in my life. i feel so young and immature and unwise when i'm living at home....... but i know that's just my own perception of how my parents see me. i know they're proud of me... they tell me that a lot. so here's what all this non-sense comes down to. a good friend of mine, Michele, is letting me stay in her spare room for a little bit a month until i can afford to move out on my own. but, i think i'll just stay for the weekends. my parents actually are truly amazing. after quite a few talks about it all, not bad, just not, great? i dunno... they were just kind of tense cause they're blunt with me about life and such. but! today i got talking to my mom about it all again and we were laughing about some stuff and then she said... so your father and i were talking about this last night (oh gosh... never a good way to start a sentence...) and we decided that if you will just hold off a little bit longer, then we will meet you half way with your expenses and help you slowly get to where you can fully pay for it all yourself. :) it hasn't sunk in yet... but, i'll wait... :) i'll wait for that.
but seriously...
i hate school.
i need a mentor, and to work out more, and learn self-control and how to control my thoughts and how to trust and...yeah...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
something like Hosea
it seems that as of late i haven't quite known how to tell people how i'm doing. when people ask me how i am, i'll say i'm good, but really... i'm... a lot of everything. i'm mostly tired. i'm ready for a break down. i'm ready for things to come crashing...
i know that if some of you read what i'm about to write, it will come as a shock. i know some of you will smile. and i know some of you will finally understand why i've been acting the way i have...
the past few months i've felt that i literally have been ripped apart. that all i've known and thought and hoped and prayed and tried to do and lived for have been flipped upside down and spilled out all over the ground around me. some of you know this, but for those who don't, around a little more than a month ago, i got to the point where i almost denied everything. i was so angry at the church and everything around me that had anything to do with Christianity, that i was about to throw my hands and say goodbye to all i knew. i've always known there is a God... it just makes sense. all this couldn't just come from nothing....... something can't come from nothing. but i was, i'm still, mad. i'm mad at the churches in today's world. i'm mad at Christians. it seems that for the most part, today's "christians" are dead. they say they believe, they say they love God... but they have no idea. i almost want to shake some of them and say "how dare you say you're a Christian... you have no right soiling the name of God's people like that!" but then i look at my own life... and i'm quickly put in my place.
and then, there came the questions.
you've heard them, i've wrote about them... i know i'll never have the answers to everything. but one thing i did learn is that the more i tried to put God "in a box" the more i got confused and the more things began to honestly become hard for me. God will not be put in a box. God cannot be put in a box. if i could understand Him, He wouldn't be the God He is. and from what i know of Him, He is:
Creative. just look around you...... you can't look at some things in nature and not think that it is truly creative...
Loving. He saved my life, literally... i should be dead right now... and so should my father... but He saved our lives. it truly is a miracle that we both are alive right now
Intelligent. study jellyfish, tell me how our hearts know to beat, explain why things react and work the way they do... and you will see just how intelligent He had to be to create all this
He's a lover of freedom. He has given us free choice to love Him or not. He won't force us to love Him if we don't want to. this is a whole other blog in itself, but basically, i can sum it up in this... which would be more loving? force someone to love you, or let them love you because they simply love you?
He's moral. i don't care who you are, you can't tell me that you don't have some sense of what is right and what is wrong. we all know what is basically bad and good, just and unjust... so where did that come from? it had to come from an ultimate standard. there HAS to be a standard to follow. and we can't all just say what's right for me is right for me and what works for you works for you... because then we live in mass chaos and contradiction. our sense of morality had to come from somewhere...
He's complex - someone dare explain the trinity to me...
and that is proof enough to run back home.
so here i am. in the midst of something beautiful. surrounded by a group of friends who i believe i'll be friends with until the day i die. i'm growing and changing and becoming the woman i've always wanted to be. i'm finding my voice. i'm learning to be patient and humble. i'm learning what it really means to let go and stop worrying. i'm learning to be thankful. i'm learning to be careful how i treat people around me... i feel as if God gave me new eyes. things dont look the same. from the way i eat to the way i treat people. life seems so much more fragile. people are fragile beings... i do not dare want to toy around with love until God has made it clear to pursue it. i'm learning to speak love and control my tongue... now if i could only learn to control my mind... now that would be a wonderful thing.
so this is how i am doing...
and i'm more grateful than you know.
title? go read the first couple chapters of Hosea in the Bible... you'll see...
i know that if some of you read what i'm about to write, it will come as a shock. i know some of you will smile. and i know some of you will finally understand why i've been acting the way i have...
the past few months i've felt that i literally have been ripped apart. that all i've known and thought and hoped and prayed and tried to do and lived for have been flipped upside down and spilled out all over the ground around me. some of you know this, but for those who don't, around a little more than a month ago, i got to the point where i almost denied everything. i was so angry at the church and everything around me that had anything to do with Christianity, that i was about to throw my hands and say goodbye to all i knew. i've always known there is a God... it just makes sense. all this couldn't just come from nothing....... something can't come from nothing. but i was, i'm still, mad. i'm mad at the churches in today's world. i'm mad at Christians. it seems that for the most part, today's "christians" are dead. they say they believe, they say they love God... but they have no idea. i almost want to shake some of them and say "how dare you say you're a Christian... you have no right soiling the name of God's people like that!" but then i look at my own life... and i'm quickly put in my place.
and then, there came the questions.
you've heard them, i've wrote about them... i know i'll never have the answers to everything. but one thing i did learn is that the more i tried to put God "in a box" the more i got confused and the more things began to honestly become hard for me. God will not be put in a box. God cannot be put in a box. if i could understand Him, He wouldn't be the God He is. and from what i know of Him, He is:
Creative. just look around you...... you can't look at some things in nature and not think that it is truly creative...
Loving. He saved my life, literally... i should be dead right now... and so should my father... but He saved our lives. it truly is a miracle that we both are alive right now
Intelligent. study jellyfish, tell me how our hearts know to beat, explain why things react and work the way they do... and you will see just how intelligent He had to be to create all this
He's a lover of freedom. He has given us free choice to love Him or not. He won't force us to love Him if we don't want to. this is a whole other blog in itself, but basically, i can sum it up in this... which would be more loving? force someone to love you, or let them love you because they simply love you?
He's moral. i don't care who you are, you can't tell me that you don't have some sense of what is right and what is wrong. we all know what is basically bad and good, just and unjust... so where did that come from? it had to come from an ultimate standard. there HAS to be a standard to follow. and we can't all just say what's right for me is right for me and what works for you works for you... because then we live in mass chaos and contradiction. our sense of morality had to come from somewhere...
He's complex - someone dare explain the trinity to me...
and that is proof enough to run back home.
so here i am. in the midst of something beautiful. surrounded by a group of friends who i believe i'll be friends with until the day i die. i'm growing and changing and becoming the woman i've always wanted to be. i'm finding my voice. i'm learning to be patient and humble. i'm learning what it really means to let go and stop worrying. i'm learning to be thankful. i'm learning to be careful how i treat people around me... i feel as if God gave me new eyes. things dont look the same. from the way i eat to the way i treat people. life seems so much more fragile. people are fragile beings... i do not dare want to toy around with love until God has made it clear to pursue it. i'm learning to speak love and control my tongue... now if i could only learn to control my mind... now that would be a wonderful thing.
so this is how i am doing...
and i'm more grateful than you know.
title? go read the first couple chapters of Hosea in the Bible... you'll see...
Friday, February 20, 2009
scattered pages
i have a bad habit of keeping about 3 or 4 journals at a time. one in my car, one in my purse, one in my room, and one on my computer. this happened because i'd always forget my journal when i most needed it. i'd end up going and buying a new one just so i could write my thoughts down for that day... i ended up just leaving them in those places (purse, car, computer...etc...) so that i'd never be with out one. but now i'm realizing that all my thoughts are scattered every where. i really want to take a day to compile all my journals into one... but then i'll be left with a bunch of half empty journals spread every where. i obviously didn't think this through.
while i was getting ready this morning i came across one of my oldest journals... it was the one i got when God really started changing my heart and awakening me. i began reading back through it............
April 22, 2008
i can't help but feel like something is missing. that i'm being called to something more... that God has something big for our generation.
several months later, i still feel the same way. it was only a few weeks after a wrote that entry in my journal on april 22 that God showed me my true passions... the church and my generation. if you know me, you know my frustration with the church and this generation i live in.
i'm ready for a change... and that means more than you may know.
i'm also really self-concious today... and antsy... and hungry........ oh Lord i'm tired of this wretched sin stained flesh.
while i was getting ready this morning i came across one of my oldest journals... it was the one i got when God really started changing my heart and awakening me. i began reading back through it............
April 22, 2008
i can't help but feel like something is missing. that i'm being called to something more... that God has something big for our generation.
several months later, i still feel the same way. it was only a few weeks after a wrote that entry in my journal on april 22 that God showed me my true passions... the church and my generation. if you know me, you know my frustration with the church and this generation i live in.
i'm ready for a change... and that means more than you may know.
i'm also really self-concious today... and antsy... and hungry........ oh Lord i'm tired of this wretched sin stained flesh.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
a new found love
some how i missed the memo that mewithoutyou is a christian band... i don't know how... but i finally stopped and started listening/reading the lyrics... oh my goodness. they are by far some of the best lyrics i've ever heard. hands down. they beat mute math. but mute math is still musically my favorite :)
"If ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You"
-mewithoutyou - Messes of Men
"If ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You"
-mewithoutyou - Messes of Men
Saturday, February 07, 2009
this is the result
of having a song stuck in my head and being bored in class... i find inspiration in strange places. so here's my attempts at writing "poetry"
good morning my dream boy
i dreamt of you all last night
you were singing me that song with your golden red hair
it was my favorite melody and i hummed some harmony
as i smiled and drifted back to sleep
oh my love i don't know you yet
and oh my friend how i need you
and i don't know when I'll find you
cause it's not our time to unite
and run off in the into the sunset
oh hello love, thanks for coming
I'd hoped you would
even though this isn't quite so normal
won't you stay just for now
so i can sleep here in your warmth?
i know I'm safe when you're near.
that's all i wrote... class ended and i didn't bother to finish it... my inspiration ran a little dry.
right so... thank you New Testament class and Early Birdie by Owl City for inspiring some sappy poetry out of this lonely girl....
good morning my dream boy
i dreamt of you all last night
you were singing me that song with your golden red hair
it was my favorite melody and i hummed some harmony
as i smiled and drifted back to sleep
oh my love i don't know you yet
and oh my friend how i need you
and i don't know when I'll find you
cause it's not our time to unite
and run off in the into the sunset
oh hello love, thanks for coming
I'd hoped you would
even though this isn't quite so normal
won't you stay just for now
so i can sleep here in your warmth?
i know I'm safe when you're near.
that's all i wrote... class ended and i didn't bother to finish it... my inspiration ran a little dry.
right so... thank you New Testament class and Early Birdie by Owl City for inspiring some sappy poetry out of this lonely girl....
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
never quite as ironic as i think
today couldn't be more of a blessing to me. school is canceled, no work, no plans... and all amidst it all, me and my friends are fasting... praying for a dear friends family member.
this past week has been tiring... i'm thankful i have a day to catch up... but most of all to spend this day in prayer... surrendering my thoughts and fears and hopes... i feel strong today...... like i could take on the world if i needed to. but for now, i'll take this strength and conquer my room ;) haha...
dear sweet snow, how i love your refreshing smell
how i love your power hidden in your soft weight
your way of bringing out the hidden joy deep in our hearts
your way of covering the earth like a pure white blanket
the way you float to earth with out a care
the way you fall on my cold nose and hot pink cheeks
such sweet rapture in this moment.....
i'll rest in your cold grasp... i'll let go... and just breath...
this past week has been tiring... i'm thankful i have a day to catch up... but most of all to spend this day in prayer... surrendering my thoughts and fears and hopes... i feel strong today...... like i could take on the world if i needed to. but for now, i'll take this strength and conquer my room ;) haha...
dear sweet snow, how i love your refreshing smell
how i love your power hidden in your soft weight
your way of bringing out the hidden joy deep in our hearts
your way of covering the earth like a pure white blanket
the way you float to earth with out a care
the way you fall on my cold nose and hot pink cheeks
such sweet rapture in this moment.....
i'll rest in your cold grasp... i'll let go... and just breath...
Monday, February 02, 2009
i told you i was trouble.
so this post is going to sound really conceited... but i'm venting... so ignore this if you like. but i hope that those of you who do read this, know me well enough to know where i'm coming from and that i'm not a jerk. i know i'm not perfect...
so why can't guys and girls just be friends? why can't they just take time getting to know each other and let things happen if they do, but if they don't, then they don't. recently, i've found myself entangled in some kind of situation with at least 4 guys. the first guy blew me away with his kind heart and forgiving spirit. yet he isn't a christian. this is what tore me away from him. for as much as we fit each other, that one thing just won't work. even though i know i have hundreds of questions about Christianity to the point where i want to deny it all and just say "God exists," i can't let go of it all. then guy number 2 lied and deceived me unlike any other guy. then guy numero tres was yet another guy who wasn't a christian. then, guy number 4. Christian? check? good looking? check? fun? check. BUT! i still know nothing about the guy. but, now there's a dumb level of commitment between us. we went on a date and now i feel like if i don't continue to follow along and keep "dating" him, i can't go back and even be his friend. it's just a lose lose situation. and i HATE this. i love hanging out with guys... sometimes a lot better than with girls. girls tend to be over dramatic and catty. plus i just can't go and do some things with girls. not a lot of girls like long boarding and sports and loud music....... it's just so frustrating... it really seems impossible to be friends with guys at times... unless they're already interested in someone else, it's either like we have to just date, or not even hardly be friends.
but right now, i feel that any guy would be a masochist for liking me. God is doing amazing things in my life right now, but i'm spiritually and emotionally a wreck. i need to be single for now to just really focus on God and what he's doing. i'm far to easily distracted. i know if i get into an actual relationship with a guy right now i'll just get distracted from the bigger picture. i just need guys to be my friend... to help me. to pray for me. to encourage me. to let me be and be someone to cheer me up when i'm broken. i fear if they start liking me and pursue me, i'll just have to tell them i can't date now, and then it'll get awkward and then we can't even be friends... raaaagh!!!!
i'm just tired of guys doing this to me. but i can't be mad at them for it! they know (well, some do at least) that girls want to be pursued, so they do... but i'm the one exception to rule, but only during this time in my life. i'm just not datable right now. and quite frankly, i just want to be single... i'm not ready to commit myself to any guy. but even when i am ready, i just wish that a guy would not even consider dating me until we've become friends and gotten to know each other.
right... so... venting done.
God willing, i'll go to India for the summer. i'm praying that God allows this, i know i can afford it... but still, God has the power to stop me if He wills it. i have no REAL reason to stop myself from going. i honestly think i need to do this. i need to be away from all that is so distracting here..... though i have a strange feeling that if i go, i'll be walking right into the midst of my troubles. there's nothing like a mission trip to humble the ever living snot out of you. but it's not a "mission trip" per say, we're just going to work with a local orphanage and then that's about it... or at least that's all i know of. i'm willing to do whatever. but i also know that when i come back, my troubles won't have left.. they'll still be waiting back here for me. but i'm hoping that through this i'll grow a lot closer to God and i'll have a new perspective on the troubles and maybe i'll be more responsible in how i respond to them. maybe i'll get better at not leading guys on... maybe i'll learn to be thankful for my house and living situation... maybe i'll find confidence... maybe i'll find my true love in Christ.......find my security in him. but, who knows. i just don't want to be running from my problems.
Title by Amy Winehouse - you know i'm no good.
so why can't guys and girls just be friends? why can't they just take time getting to know each other and let things happen if they do, but if they don't, then they don't. recently, i've found myself entangled in some kind of situation with at least 4 guys. the first guy blew me away with his kind heart and forgiving spirit. yet he isn't a christian. this is what tore me away from him. for as much as we fit each other, that one thing just won't work. even though i know i have hundreds of questions about Christianity to the point where i want to deny it all and just say "God exists," i can't let go of it all. then guy number 2 lied and deceived me unlike any other guy. then guy numero tres was yet another guy who wasn't a christian. then, guy number 4. Christian? check? good looking? check? fun? check. BUT! i still know nothing about the guy. but, now there's a dumb level of commitment between us. we went on a date and now i feel like if i don't continue to follow along and keep "dating" him, i can't go back and even be his friend. it's just a lose lose situation. and i HATE this. i love hanging out with guys... sometimes a lot better than with girls. girls tend to be over dramatic and catty. plus i just can't go and do some things with girls. not a lot of girls like long boarding and sports and loud music....... it's just so frustrating... it really seems impossible to be friends with guys at times... unless they're already interested in someone else, it's either like we have to just date, or not even hardly be friends.
but right now, i feel that any guy would be a masochist for liking me. God is doing amazing things in my life right now, but i'm spiritually and emotionally a wreck. i need to be single for now to just really focus on God and what he's doing. i'm far to easily distracted. i know if i get into an actual relationship with a guy right now i'll just get distracted from the bigger picture. i just need guys to be my friend... to help me. to pray for me. to encourage me. to let me be and be someone to cheer me up when i'm broken. i fear if they start liking me and pursue me, i'll just have to tell them i can't date now, and then it'll get awkward and then we can't even be friends... raaaagh!!!!
i'm just tired of guys doing this to me. but i can't be mad at them for it! they know (well, some do at least) that girls want to be pursued, so they do... but i'm the one exception to rule, but only during this time in my life. i'm just not datable right now. and quite frankly, i just want to be single... i'm not ready to commit myself to any guy. but even when i am ready, i just wish that a guy would not even consider dating me until we've become friends and gotten to know each other.
right... so... venting done.
God willing, i'll go to India for the summer. i'm praying that God allows this, i know i can afford it... but still, God has the power to stop me if He wills it. i have no REAL reason to stop myself from going. i honestly think i need to do this. i need to be away from all that is so distracting here..... though i have a strange feeling that if i go, i'll be walking right into the midst of my troubles. there's nothing like a mission trip to humble the ever living snot out of you. but it's not a "mission trip" per say, we're just going to work with a local orphanage and then that's about it... or at least that's all i know of. i'm willing to do whatever. but i also know that when i come back, my troubles won't have left.. they'll still be waiting back here for me. but i'm hoping that through this i'll grow a lot closer to God and i'll have a new perspective on the troubles and maybe i'll be more responsible in how i respond to them. maybe i'll get better at not leading guys on... maybe i'll learn to be thankful for my house and living situation... maybe i'll find confidence... maybe i'll find my true love in Christ.......find my security in him. but, who knows. i just don't want to be running from my problems.
Title by Amy Winehouse - you know i'm no good.
Friday, January 30, 2009
when did this storm begin?
all day my heart didn't feel right. it got worse as the day went on... by the time i left work... i literally felt as if my heart was being held down like that of Macy Day Parade float. but i found refreshment in Christ. he set my heart free and let if fly.
i'll sleep peacefully now. God will you give me rest tonight? will you allow me catch up on the hours lost? God will you tune my heart to your beat? will you make my will obedient to my intellect? better yet, make it obedient to yours... not mine. will you help me to let go Father? will you take off this heavy yoke? i'll never be good enough God... i'll never measure up... but please know i'm trying. God will you give me the confidence of a tiger? yet just as humble they are. will you keep my heart teachable and tender to your voice.
God i'll be your servant... i'll be your flame that roars as your angels help fan me into life...
i'll sleep peacefully now. God will you give me rest tonight? will you allow me catch up on the hours lost? God will you tune my heart to your beat? will you make my will obedient to my intellect? better yet, make it obedient to yours... not mine. will you help me to let go Father? will you take off this heavy yoke? i'll never be good enough God... i'll never measure up... but please know i'm trying. God will you give me the confidence of a tiger? yet just as humble they are. will you keep my heart teachable and tender to your voice.
God i'll be your servant... i'll be your flame that roars as your angels help fan me into life...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
More birds
But wait..... Wouldn't I rather be free as a bird? The real expression
of love is when I would choose to come be around my owner. He would
take care of me while I was out in the scary world. He would provide
shelter and food that was high up off the ground where nothing could
harm me. Maybe THAT'S real love. Maybe I was wrong. I wouldn't want to
know there was a bigger more beautiful world out there but not be
TRUSTED to go explore and learn. I would rather be allowed to fall a
few times than be kept up far away from all harm just so I could
experience real love, real trust, real joy.
of love is when I would choose to come be around my owner. He would
take care of me while I was out in the scary world. He would provide
shelter and food that was high up off the ground where nothing could
harm me. Maybe THAT'S real love. Maybe I was wrong. I wouldn't want to
know there was a bigger more beautiful world out there but not be
TRUSTED to go explore and learn. I would rather be allowed to fall a
few times than be kept up far away from all harm just so I could
experience real love, real trust, real joy.
I always compare people to animals... It's just one of those things I
do. Most of the time guys are some type of dog, and girls are some
kind of cat. But I could never figure out what I was... I think
maybe... I'm a bird...
Monday, January 19, 2009
is ignorance really bliss?
I've been thinking all day about how i think about birds in comparison to how God thinks about us.
i for so long swore I'd never own a bird. i just didn't think it was fair to put the poor thing in a cage when it should be free. birds weren't meant to stay cooped up in bars... it's why they have beautiful wings. but, as i thought about them, and about God... i began to wonder if that's how God sees us. except that our mind is our "cage." i wonder why God made us smart enough to know there are answers to life's greatest questions, just not smart enough to understand the answers. but, would i rather be lost in ignorance, or know there's more to life and try to figure it out? is ignorance really bliss? would i, if i were a bird, rather know and see that there was a bigger world out there and be able to at least look at it, or just stay safely away from the truth? would i rather have an owner try to give me the best life it could, while still keeping me safe, or stay in a small cage with a slew of other ignorant birds? it's only that because of how i was raised that I'm not aloud out in the open...... it's not safe. but if i, by nature, hate ignorance, wouldn't i rather get as close to truth as i could and as far away from ignorance? if i were a bird, i would want that... i would want to be as far away from the masses of ignorance........ and so now i, as a young learning human, want a bird. i want to give it the best life it can have without letting it get harmed. i want it to know there's more to life, and show it what i can. i want to set it free from the crowded messy masses of ignorant birds. let it live the best life it can.
i for so long swore I'd never own a bird. i just didn't think it was fair to put the poor thing in a cage when it should be free. birds weren't meant to stay cooped up in bars... it's why they have beautiful wings. but, as i thought about them, and about God... i began to wonder if that's how God sees us. except that our mind is our "cage." i wonder why God made us smart enough to know there are answers to life's greatest questions, just not smart enough to understand the answers. but, would i rather be lost in ignorance, or know there's more to life and try to figure it out? is ignorance really bliss? would i, if i were a bird, rather know and see that there was a bigger world out there and be able to at least look at it, or just stay safely away from the truth? would i rather have an owner try to give me the best life it could, while still keeping me safe, or stay in a small cage with a slew of other ignorant birds? it's only that because of how i was raised that I'm not aloud out in the open...... it's not safe. but if i, by nature, hate ignorance, wouldn't i rather get as close to truth as i could and as far away from ignorance? if i were a bird, i would want that... i would want to be as far away from the masses of ignorance........ and so now i, as a young learning human, want a bird. i want to give it the best life it can have without letting it get harmed. i want it to know there's more to life, and show it what i can. i want to set it free from the crowded messy masses of ignorant birds. let it live the best life it can.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Elephant Woman
things have, and have not, changed so much for the current mindset that I've come to as of recent. most things in life only cause me to question my religion more and more. it's why i've come to the conclusion that by the worlds definition, i am not a Christian. but by the Bible's definition, i am. though i'm still curious as to how some things work within all that.
here are some of the questions i've thought up as of recent:
1. what is a sin, and what is just a bad decision?
likewise,
2. is an action bad because it has bad consequences, or could an action be good in itself, but just have poor consequences? for example, i get told i'm flirty, a lot... but i'm not trying to be. i'm just nice and outgoing. i love people, and i love to love on people. and unfortunately because i've been hurt by so many girls in deeper ways than guys, and because of how i was raised, i tend to cling to guys before girls. but sometimes my "niceness" has negative consequences. so does that mean that it's bad that i'm being nice?
3. why does God allow others to suffer for His glory? why do others have to die, just so that others can know about Him?
4. why is there such a pull to that which is wrong, if it is so wrong? we have a pull to know Christ just like we have a pull towards sin.
5. Why does God make us intelligent enough to know that there are answers to all these things, but not quite smart enough to understand the answer? though i suppose if we knew all the answers, we'd be just like God.
i did however get into a very good discussion with a close friend of mine. actually, i consider him like a brother to me. i had asked him why homosexuality is wrong...... if God is love, and He calls us to treat others how we would like to be treated, then doesn't it seem contradictory for him to tell us not be homosexual? his response was that basically, outside the context of marriage, homosexuality AND heterosexuality are wrong. but when we look at the biblical context of what marriage is, it is SPECIFICALLY between JUST a MAN and a WOMAN.
but that leads me to another question:
what is sexual immorality? what all does that include?
we also got into the conversation about free-will. that was a comforting conversation.
true love... i don't know if i'll ever understand true love.
if nothing else, i take comfort in the fact that MAYBE if Christ was here in human form again, he'd be pretty pissed off (maybe not in so many words) at the church and what Christianity has become, just like i am. i'm so tired of the fake "cheesyness" it has become. people litterally think we are closed-minded idiots. we're scared, and we give pathetic answers for intense deep questions.............. or maybe that's just what i think of Christians these days. i can't help but question how it is possible that i've been a christian most of my life and been in the church my whole life, yet i don't know the answers to ANY of these questions.
what's even more sad, is that i was sheltered all growing up. i never had non-christian friends. i was too scared to try to make friends with them. i had the idea that i'd some how be led into sin if i was around them. yet after these 20 short years, i've finally become very good friends with a non-christian, and he's the first person to truly accept me, not judge me, love on me, understand me, set me free, challenge me....... yet all the while, never hurting me. what does that say about Christians?
i have a lot of books i need to read...
~ I don't have enough faith to be an athiest by frank turek.
~ sermon on the mount by Emmet Fox
~ conversations with God (can't remember the author)
~ animal farm
~ and i still have to finish twilight (yeah yeah, shut up...)
i'm not much of a reader, but i want to be. i'd just rather spend time with people made of flesh and bones instead of those made of paper and ink.
my best friend told me today amidst frustrated tears and sniffles to "stop being who i think i am, and start being who i am" he also said, "the only obligation which i have a right to assume is to do at any time what i think is right"
Title by Blonde Redhead
here are some of the questions i've thought up as of recent:
1. what is a sin, and what is just a bad decision?
likewise,
2. is an action bad because it has bad consequences, or could an action be good in itself, but just have poor consequences? for example, i get told i'm flirty, a lot... but i'm not trying to be. i'm just nice and outgoing. i love people, and i love to love on people. and unfortunately because i've been hurt by so many girls in deeper ways than guys, and because of how i was raised, i tend to cling to guys before girls. but sometimes my "niceness" has negative consequences. so does that mean that it's bad that i'm being nice?
3. why does God allow others to suffer for His glory? why do others have to die, just so that others can know about Him?
4. why is there such a pull to that which is wrong, if it is so wrong? we have a pull to know Christ just like we have a pull towards sin.
5. Why does God make us intelligent enough to know that there are answers to all these things, but not quite smart enough to understand the answer? though i suppose if we knew all the answers, we'd be just like God.
i did however get into a very good discussion with a close friend of mine. actually, i consider him like a brother to me. i had asked him why homosexuality is wrong...... if God is love, and He calls us to treat others how we would like to be treated, then doesn't it seem contradictory for him to tell us not be homosexual? his response was that basically, outside the context of marriage, homosexuality AND heterosexuality are wrong. but when we look at the biblical context of what marriage is, it is SPECIFICALLY between JUST a MAN and a WOMAN.
but that leads me to another question:
what is sexual immorality? what all does that include?
we also got into the conversation about free-will. that was a comforting conversation.
true love... i don't know if i'll ever understand true love.
if nothing else, i take comfort in the fact that MAYBE if Christ was here in human form again, he'd be pretty pissed off (maybe not in so many words) at the church and what Christianity has become, just like i am. i'm so tired of the fake "cheesyness" it has become. people litterally think we are closed-minded idiots. we're scared, and we give pathetic answers for intense deep questions.............. or maybe that's just what i think of Christians these days. i can't help but question how it is possible that i've been a christian most of my life and been in the church my whole life, yet i don't know the answers to ANY of these questions.
what's even more sad, is that i was sheltered all growing up. i never had non-christian friends. i was too scared to try to make friends with them. i had the idea that i'd some how be led into sin if i was around them. yet after these 20 short years, i've finally become very good friends with a non-christian, and he's the first person to truly accept me, not judge me, love on me, understand me, set me free, challenge me....... yet all the while, never hurting me. what does that say about Christians?
i have a lot of books i need to read...
~ I don't have enough faith to be an athiest by frank turek.
~ sermon on the mount by Emmet Fox
~ conversations with God (can't remember the author)
~ animal farm
~ and i still have to finish twilight (yeah yeah, shut up...)
i'm not much of a reader, but i want to be. i'd just rather spend time with people made of flesh and bones instead of those made of paper and ink.
my best friend told me today amidst frustrated tears and sniffles to "stop being who i think i am, and start being who i am" he also said, "the only obligation which i have a right to assume is to do at any time what i think is right"
Title by Blonde Redhead
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
sometimes songs fit better than words
God, let her listen
With ears to the ground.
Let voiceless approval
Turn into sound.
In death there are hidden, invisible keys
That only when swallowed
Reveal where they lead.
Life is a mess
We wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth.
Is this a graveyard
To bury her heart?
Or is it a garden,
Where new life will start.
‘Cause God, when life here ends,
We’ll beg you for more.
In temper we’ll hate you,
But please keep no score.
Life, it is a mess we wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth
Keep no Score by Sleeping at Last
With ears to the ground.
Let voiceless approval
Turn into sound.
In death there are hidden, invisible keys
That only when swallowed
Reveal where they lead.
Life is a mess
We wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth.
Is this a graveyard
To bury her heart?
Or is it a garden,
Where new life will start.
‘Cause God, when life here ends,
We’ll beg you for more.
In temper we’ll hate you,
But please keep no score.
Life, it is a mess we wake up to,
A single thread of a deeper truth
Keep no Score by Sleeping at Last
Friday, January 09, 2009
air and fire
In speaking of the angels He says,
"He makes his angels winds,
his servants flames of fire."
Hebrews 1:7
i have a new appreciation of the wind.
"He makes his angels winds,
his servants flames of fire."
Hebrews 1:7
i have a new appreciation of the wind.
sweet honey lies
i'm broken.
i feel like my heart has finally fallen into the pit of my heart to release old ghosts screaming lies in their hypnotic honey sweet voices. nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. i'll never deny that there is a God, i just can't believe that the God of the Bible is true... meaning... when i read about God, i can't help but see the Biblical God as hypocritical and heartless. maybe i'm missing something... but my God is not like that... The God i've come to know and love is refreshing and creative and loving and merciful.
but when i read the Bible, my heart sinks and drowns. how depressing is it that not even in our thoughts we are free from sin? i can't control my thoughts, i'll never be free from sin... why did God make me us this way? why did He make it so that we would never be able to escape sin? why does he tell us to love, yet tell us not to love (i'm speaking in terms of homosexuality)? why has the church twisted so much of scripture?!
i'm burnt out... Christianity has left a nasty stale taste in my mouth and i get a sinking angry feeling at most if not all things Christian. i honestly can NOT handle it anymore........ i'm going mental.
i feel like i need to start over... start fresh... go back to the basics and try again.
Little Girl i Say to You, Get Up.
- Mark 5
i feel like my heart has finally fallen into the pit of my heart to release old ghosts screaming lies in their hypnotic honey sweet voices. nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. i'll never deny that there is a God, i just can't believe that the God of the Bible is true... meaning... when i read about God, i can't help but see the Biblical God as hypocritical and heartless. maybe i'm missing something... but my God is not like that... The God i've come to know and love is refreshing and creative and loving and merciful.
but when i read the Bible, my heart sinks and drowns. how depressing is it that not even in our thoughts we are free from sin? i can't control my thoughts, i'll never be free from sin... why did God make me us this way? why did He make it so that we would never be able to escape sin? why does he tell us to love, yet tell us not to love (i'm speaking in terms of homosexuality)? why has the church twisted so much of scripture?!
i'm burnt out... Christianity has left a nasty stale taste in my mouth and i get a sinking angry feeling at most if not all things Christian. i honestly can NOT handle it anymore........ i'm going mental.
i feel like i need to start over... start fresh... go back to the basics and try again.
Little Girl i Say to You, Get Up.
- Mark 5
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
young blood
please know that as i write the next bit that i mean no harm. that my heart is at peace and just wants to know truth. that I'm not asking these things out of defiance but just out of curiosity and the love of truth.
***************
the church has royally failed us. why is it that people who have been Christians almost their whole life still do not know why they are Christians? why is it that we don't know how to prove the truth of Christianity? the church should have taught us these things... but instead they've lost focus. they compete with one another. they no longer measure the greatness of the church by the way they are challenging people in their relationship with Christ but by the number of people attending. yet it's the churches that challenge people the most that are suffering the greatest.
We, i'm including myself in this one, are probably some of the most retched people i've ever met. if you just watch us, you'll see how crafty we've become. lying to those in authority because we can't handle the rules. being nice to people, and then the second their back is turned we chew them out. we don't stop and listen to peoples hearts, but watch their actions and are quick to judge each other. we don't have that right to judge others. no one does. if we could only just stop and hear through the words and see the heart, we would see something so much different. we have made things far more difficult than they need to be. we push our beliefs on others and make good people feel foolish. we keep our noses in the airs as if we are better than everyone else. we won't be friends with you, and heaven forbid we even THINK about dating you, if you don't agree with us. and if we do, it's only because we're trying to convert you... we don't really care about you.
i'm beginning to not trust what i've been taught anymore. it just doesn't make sense. could some one, anyone, please give me the answers to these questions... i just want to know truth...
why is it wrong to be homosexual? and don't give me that crap about "well, because the bible says so" because that only makes me question more. if God is love and tells us to love one another as we would want to be loved, then why would he turn right around and say that homosexuality is wrong? how do we know that that was meant just for that time? that maybe it was, sorry but i'm about to cross a line, unclean. that the way homosexuals have intercourse was just unclean during that time?
how do we know the Bible is actually 100% true? if the bible was written by man, and man is flawed, then how could the bible not have errors within it? and don't tell me that it was written by God, because it wasn't... it was INSPIRED by God. God doesn't have a body.
what is sin and what is just a bad decision? Jesus taught us many things about life. but what was it that he taught that was actual sin, and what was just him advising us against doing certain things. like we would try to tell a best friend not to do some things because we know that that action has sucky consequences.
what all encompasses sexual immorality? is it prostitution? sex? oral sex?
why is it so hard to be a Christian? if God wanted everyone to choose him, why did he make it so hard? some have told me that it's like a test... a test to see who truly loves him and wants to be his "children." but God knew what we would do... he knew what we would choose... why would he forsake us like that? and then as if almost to cover up his mistake he had to let his son... his own flesh and blood... the very essence of himself in the form of man... suffer unlike any other person of the face of this planet suffer just so that after all those hundreds of years, we could choose God again.
doesn't it all just seem so hopeless? we aren't even safe from sin in our own minds... i don't know about you, but i can't control my thoughts... no matter how hard i try. in fact the harder i try the more i think about it. i'll never be able to escape sin. i'll never be good enough. it just seems so deathly discouraging once you realize just how horrid you are in the eyes of God.
i don't doubt there's a God. all of this (galaxies, humanity, creation) truly couldn't have just come from nothing. it just doesn't make sense. i just don't know what to believe anymore. what is it that is really true, and not just something that i've been taught by the flawed church as i've grown up? churches take so many things out of context. i hate churches these days... part of me just doesn't want to go. but i need friends, i need time to worship God and be in community with people who some what believe what i believe. at least we all can agree on the fact that God exists.
grasping, reaching, trying, giving. trying to do anything for that spark. come back to me oh faith. come back to me oh young blood. let these actions prove my faith. if only i can act enough to restore this blood... for i know my actions prove my faith.
"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation."
- Thomas Dewar
***************
the church has royally failed us. why is it that people who have been Christians almost their whole life still do not know why they are Christians? why is it that we don't know how to prove the truth of Christianity? the church should have taught us these things... but instead they've lost focus. they compete with one another. they no longer measure the greatness of the church by the way they are challenging people in their relationship with Christ but by the number of people attending. yet it's the churches that challenge people the most that are suffering the greatest.
We, i'm including myself in this one, are probably some of the most retched people i've ever met. if you just watch us, you'll see how crafty we've become. lying to those in authority because we can't handle the rules. being nice to people, and then the second their back is turned we chew them out. we don't stop and listen to peoples hearts, but watch their actions and are quick to judge each other. we don't have that right to judge others. no one does. if we could only just stop and hear through the words and see the heart, we would see something so much different. we have made things far more difficult than they need to be. we push our beliefs on others and make good people feel foolish. we keep our noses in the airs as if we are better than everyone else. we won't be friends with you, and heaven forbid we even THINK about dating you, if you don't agree with us. and if we do, it's only because we're trying to convert you... we don't really care about you.
i'm beginning to not trust what i've been taught anymore. it just doesn't make sense. could some one, anyone, please give me the answers to these questions... i just want to know truth...
why is it wrong to be homosexual? and don't give me that crap about "well, because the bible says so" because that only makes me question more. if God is love and tells us to love one another as we would want to be loved, then why would he turn right around and say that homosexuality is wrong? how do we know that that was meant just for that time? that maybe it was, sorry but i'm about to cross a line, unclean. that the way homosexuals have intercourse was just unclean during that time?
how do we know the Bible is actually 100% true? if the bible was written by man, and man is flawed, then how could the bible not have errors within it? and don't tell me that it was written by God, because it wasn't... it was INSPIRED by God. God doesn't have a body.
what is sin and what is just a bad decision? Jesus taught us many things about life. but what was it that he taught that was actual sin, and what was just him advising us against doing certain things. like we would try to tell a best friend not to do some things because we know that that action has sucky consequences.
what all encompasses sexual immorality? is it prostitution? sex? oral sex?
why is it so hard to be a Christian? if God wanted everyone to choose him, why did he make it so hard? some have told me that it's like a test... a test to see who truly loves him and wants to be his "children." but God knew what we would do... he knew what we would choose... why would he forsake us like that? and then as if almost to cover up his mistake he had to let his son... his own flesh and blood... the very essence of himself in the form of man... suffer unlike any other person of the face of this planet suffer just so that after all those hundreds of years, we could choose God again.
doesn't it all just seem so hopeless? we aren't even safe from sin in our own minds... i don't know about you, but i can't control my thoughts... no matter how hard i try. in fact the harder i try the more i think about it. i'll never be able to escape sin. i'll never be good enough. it just seems so deathly discouraging once you realize just how horrid you are in the eyes of God.
i don't doubt there's a God. all of this (galaxies, humanity, creation) truly couldn't have just come from nothing. it just doesn't make sense. i just don't know what to believe anymore. what is it that is really true, and not just something that i've been taught by the flawed church as i've grown up? churches take so many things out of context. i hate churches these days... part of me just doesn't want to go. but i need friends, i need time to worship God and be in community with people who some what believe what i believe. at least we all can agree on the fact that God exists.
grasping, reaching, trying, giving. trying to do anything for that spark. come back to me oh faith. come back to me oh young blood. let these actions prove my faith. if only i can act enough to restore this blood... for i know my actions prove my faith.
"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation."
- Thomas Dewar
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