the morning is for sleeping...

I've been thinking a lot lately about Prayer...

when i was little, i was a prayer warrior. you can ask my mom... i loved praying... i looked forward to the night when my family would get together and pray before we went to bed. i loved it. i miss it. in my Critical Thinking class last semester we discussed prayer and how people do not even know how to pray anymore. their prayers are meaningless words puked towards God. "God bless them..." what does that even mean?! do they even know? most likely not. I'm not saying I'm not like this. so many times i have talked to God with no respect and no real thought. just throwing words towards Him hoping He'd find favor on my situation. so my thoughts have come down to this... If God has an ultimate will, that we can't change... why pray for some situations? it's not like our prayers are really going to change the situation. God made this world to work the way it does... if we don't take care of our bodies, chances are we'll get some form of sickness. then we pray so hard for God to take it away. we pray that He will stop the weather, make it nicer... basically... we're praying for heaven on earth. but that's just not the way it works. so then how should we pray? honestly, i know I'm probably wrong, but the best conclusion I've come to is, pray prayers of praise, pray for miracles, pray for God's will... but never be selfish... pray for humility. i still think we should talk to God. He's our Father. He loves us in ways we can never understand... He longs to spend time with us. also... we need to just shut up sometimes and be silent before God. He deserves our respect... we so often foolishly run up to Him blabbering on about who knows what... when sometimes we just need to be quiet.

i don't know at what point i stopped praying like a child. i think it was maybe when i began doubting. i remember very distinctly a few times i felt very strongly God was speaking to me, and when i told my parents, they doubted me. i think this had a weird affect on me... it was like, because they doubted my knowledge of when God speaks to me, i doubted myself, and then doubted God. I was discouraged in talking to Him. i soon forgot what His voice sounds like. Instead i spent hours writing in a journal... listening to my own voice.

all that being said... i want to be 5 yrs old again.



I'm thankful for the people in my life right now. one in particular. never have i ever had someone humble me so much without hurting me...get me thinking in ways i hadn't thought... challenge me in ways i hadn't been challenged... and we only just met. they're the ones that got me thinking so much about my prayer life....about my lack of commitment and fear of commitment...about truly being myself and remembering who i am, where i came from, what makes me, me...i think maybe, just maybe, if i keep hanging around them long enough, I'll become a better person.



this summer is turning out to be not so bad after all.......

oh to be 10 again

at the pool today there were a group of 3 kids playing. 2 girls who were probably 9 or 10 and then one of the girls lil brother who was probably like 5 or 6... any how, they were laughing and screaming about the craziest stuff... it made me laugh watching them. i don't think i'll ever REALLY grow up in some ways... i still love playing in the mud and playing card games and running around in the rain and seeing how long i can hold my breath under water, and laughing at silly immature things... like rabbits and stuffed animals and making fart noises with my hands.

i used to make the best forts and my stuffed animals were my best friends... i used to not care what i looked like, even when my mom said things. i liked my hair being a mess and helping my brother wash his car and my sister clean her room and dry her hair........ i loved my innocent life. why does it seem from the time you hit puberty to the time you become an adult, life just sucks... you're too old to play with toys but too young to go out on your own. it's such an awkward stage.

i think maybe, just maybe, part of why i don't want to grow up is because i was never pushed or really allowed to be adventurous... i was terrified i'd get into trouble. i always wanted to pull a really good prank... but even when i did the little ones i got in huge trouble. i didn't start actually trying exciting things until i got older... when i was too old to act that way. it's why i love dying my hair and gauging my ears and putting henna on myself. one day, it won't be cool to do that... though i always pictured myself as a "cool mom." i just want my kids to live their lives. i want to teach them the reasons for why we shouldn't do some things, instead of just telling them what to do and what not to do. i want them to just run and be free. be themselves, express themselves... not be embarrassed to act crazy... like i was. i want to have as few rules on my kids as i can. i've seen how rules have ruined my life at times, my church, and my friends. rules don't have to be a bad thing... but they can be if too many are in place. it's such a fine line.

i'm just not that exciting

i wish i had more fantastical things to write about. it's summer, so i'm lazy and life is semi-dull.

one thing though is God has definitely taught me to never say never to him... within just this year i said to God "i will never have kids" and not long ago i caught myself getting excited about the thought of having lil babies ^_^ then i also said i'd "never go back to SES" aaaaaaand i'm back there. haha...

a friend of mine from SES actually got me thinking the other day....... how often am i just silent? so much of my life is filled with music. i've ALWAYS got music playing... then the other day i had some time to kill so i was sitting in my car waiting for people and i just sat there... quietly. no music... not saying much... just sat. it actually brought me to tears. i haven't just sat quietly before the Lord in a very long time. i talk to Him, a lot... but rarely do i just sit quietly before Him. i wish i had the prayer life i had when i was like 3 years old. i became a Christian at a very very young age... i used to pray like a freakin warrior. my mom would tell people at church to ask me to pray for them if they needed prayer... i was that kinda kid... you asked me to pray for you, and i would! and it was none of those "hey God, could you uh... you know... help them?" it was like close to an hour long prayer......... what happened? why don't i do that anymore? why don't i desire that anymore? how do i get that desire back? i guess, just, start praying? maybe it's like working out....... kinda hard to get in the habit of going, but once you start you love it? maybe? hopefully...

k. that's all for now. i'll actually write when i have something interesting to write about instead of just "today my day was ____" laaaaaaaaaame....

well that's gross

so i can't even escape sin in my sleep... i had the most erotic dreams last night i think i woke up blushing. why? why did i have to dream that stuff? i read my bible before i went to bed in hopes that that'd keep my dreams pure. but i guess my sinful nature won this battle.

so my room is actually clean. it hasn't been this clean in a while. i like it, i just can't seem to keep it this way. i'm a messy person by nature. at work i always make the biggest messes. i guess the point is that i make a habit to clean up after myself... i do need to be more responsible in that way. ONE DAY i will finally get to move out and i'll have roommates who WILL care what condition i leave things in..... i guess my parents are pretty tolerant.

i can't believe i'm going to be back at SES. i swore i'd never go back. i know i have a bad attitude about it, but it's just that it seems so... stuffy. i feel like i can't be myself when i'm there... and that's sad. but there's no reason i can't be myself... i think i'm just scared i'll offend some of the people there or that they'll think less of me. but that's their problem right?

i miss my sister. i'm SO happy for her and Brian. i just... i miss seeing her almost everyday. she's my best friend, but i know it'll only get worse once they get married. i guess that's part of growing up? i think maybe a part of me, no, i know a part of me is jealous. i want what they have. it works. it's pure. it's glorifying to God. i mean i know i don't want to get married until i'm done with school... unless God were to say otherwise. and i am still young, but i had always pictured myself getting married young. i just want to have a good while with my husband before having kids. but you can't put a time constraint on love. it happens when it happens. you can't just say when and where and to what extent. that will only run people off. i know from my many ridiculous relationships that rushing just leads to pure chaos.



but i'm so impatient.

koi fish and a humorous God

life is funny, wait.... GOD is funny.

so basically my life had come to this:
most of my close friends were gone either for good or for the summer, my typical hang out spot was gone, i had no idea where i was going to go to school in the fall, church was/is becoming fluffy, I'm unhappy with how my body looks, and I'm just flat out lonely. i had gotten really really depressed. it was like everything i had had security in, was falling out from under my feet. but i expected this! i was waiting for it. i threw my life before God like it was mud... and prayed God, take me, break me, mold me, change me... my life is yours.

so then as i found myself on the kitchen floor all alone crying... i knew i had to "get over it" (in more or less words). i asked for this, i knew this was coming... it would be idiotic to cry for God take it away.

so i started changing. i started eating the best i knew how, working out everyday i could, praying as much as i thought about it, i began looking at colleges... and then, it hit me. haha........ I'm right back where i started! as i searched school after school, i suddenly realized... none of these schools are going to really prepare me quite like SEBC will. and how "funny" is it that i couldn't get into all my classes this fall semester at CP??? hmmm... i suppose God had a plan after all... oh ye of little faith.......... then on top of that, I've made some new amazing friends. one of which wants me helping with his middle school youth group. things are looking up. :) i still find myself getting irritated at the blahness of this town. i was born and raised here, I'm ready for some new scenery. there's just not a lot to do here... but i guess that's where you have to get creative.

^_^
lately a couple of my friends pointed out my latest obsession with fish. i guess the summer just makes me think of the water... i really do love it. my mom used to call me a little fish when i was younger. i think if i could have chosen to be a mermaid at one point in my life, i probably would have. but anyway... sense i've also been addicted to putting henna on myself, i decided i'd put koi fish on my wrist. as i searched the Internet for a good picture i stumbled across a picture i loved.... but the link led me to a guys blog. as i began reading HIS reasoning for getting a koi fish, it made me fall in love with it all the more. he basically got it for 2 reasons, 1. he grew up on America's leading koi fish farm. a koi fish basically meant home to him, strength, endurance, and patience. and 2. he wanted a "souvenir" of his trip to Japan. while he was in Japan, he discovered that back in the 1800's when men were put in jail they were tattooed...with something..... can't remember that part. BUT when they got out, they all went to the same man to get the tattoo covered up. i fell in love with this concept... permanently covering up the past. my past has been haunting me lately. so i needed a reminder that it's done... gone... forgiven. i'm a new person.

i'm now excited about this summer. i really thought it was going to suck. but i think, i'm finally coming into my own person... i don't feel so fake anymore.

i'm glad i for once took my daddies advice to pray that God would teach me what his voice sounds like to me.

every thing is going to be alright. ^_^

young folks

i wasn't prepared for this. i always had a feeling something like this would happen, but i prayed it wouldn't.

i have 3 close friends from high school. we were practically inseparable during our high school years. as we grew up our short lived but strong friendships were tossed on the back burner as we all left for different colleges. long story short... and almost 2 years later... we were hanging out tonight. my friend Sally has always been a little bit wild. she is always thinking about something... though we never knew exactly what that is. she's a deep thinker. she likes asking questions and staying in the know of things, whether that be politics or her friends around her. Mike is sort of he same way, except he's studying to be a doctor, so he's very much into science. then there's Alex and I. Alex is still at home, but getting ready to head off to college. he's a musician and leads worship at his church.

so tonight. Sally was doing her typical thing... asking deep questions that we all had to really think about to answer. i always enjoy it... i like that i can have deep conversations with them, but that we always end up laughing and joking too... i can't handle deep conversations all the time. so tonight... Sally posed 2 questions, 2 questions i SHOULD have been able to answer... but couldn't...
1. How do we know the Bible is really 100% true. that it's the infallible word of God

and

2. how do we know Jesus is the Son of God.

i was stuck. i couldn't answer them. i tried my best... but the best i could come up with is that it's faith. but i felt like that was the biggest cop-out answer ever. she basically told us that it's not that she doubts there is a God... but how do we know he's sovereign? that he is who he says he is?

it's terrifying. i don't have answers... all i keep thinking is if i hadn't been raised in the church, if i wasn't a christian, and someone told me "it's faith" i'd probably be like "well i'm glad that works for you, but i'm good with all this..." i don't think i'd doubt there was a God... life is far too complex. but i'd probably be some sort of an extreme hippie. i'm so sick of not knowing. i'm tired of being lazy. i want so badly to find a good school. i want to have answers. i want to see the church rise up.

if David can do it so can i!

so i've been looking at a couple other bible colleges to go to (Eternity Bible college, Moody Institute, and Liberty University), and all but my favorite have standards/rules. AAAAGH! seriously people. i know we just got out of highschool, but this is redonkulous. you see how well having rules is working out for you... people are becoming liars and deceivers! i don't even want to get into this... i'm just ticked. i like Moody... it's my second favorite coming after EBC. it's just they have messed up rules... YOU CAN'T DANCE!! what the crap! David danced freakin naked people! COME ON! GET OVER IT! we're not 5 years old anymore. we have to grow up!!!!! ASEDGFJIIFGJIFDJGDIJGDFJG!!!!!!!

ok... i'm done. just needed to vent.

sometimes

i'd like to run away to a place where no one knows me, where my name isn't dirty and stained with the past. i hope and pray i'm not that girl, not that person. i hope i can be forgiven and not looked down on. words stain my mind and i hope you don't think that too. 

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through... the closer i get to You the more wrong i see in this world. 

something big is about to happen. i can feel it in my bones. and i know i'm not alone. 

nice to get away

i'm so thankful i've gotten away for a little bit. i dropped my two courses (i'm a little disappointed in myself, but i think it was the wise thing to do.) and i'm feeling just a lot better. Esther and I (my best friend) talked about a lot of stuff on the way down here and it just made me feel a lot better. i'm glad we are so much alike. i hope and pray we get to move in together one day. 

ok. well... i'm sunburnt and need a shower. we just got back from the beach.  :)

talking bird

i'll be gone the 1st through the 4th. sweet gravy it'll be nice to be away... except for one thing...

i'll see him soon... and it'll start all over again.

i suppose i really should get over him. i fear that i've made him up to be someone he's not. i fear that i'll hold on to a hope that he could be mine one day and miss out on someone better. i fear i'll never be able to let go......... how do i let him go? how do i get over this "crush?"

i'm tired, and disappointed in pretty much all of man-kind.

ok enough. i'm usually so optimistic... what's gotten into me lately? i'm just lonely and ready to get on with my life. i wish i hadn't crapped around for a good year or so and just focused. i could be doing something with my life by now! maybe it's that i feel that since no one really reads this, i can actually be completely open and not hide anything. just write down my heart.

it's not that i'm unhappy. i'm very happy! i just am impatient and lonely. i'm ready to find someone who i can love on and be jealous of and i'm ready to start living my life for God. i'm tired of dorking around wasting my breath on useless things. i'm coming to realize time is precious and quick. it seemed like life went so slow when i was a kid... now it's like i can't seem to keep up with it.

Oh, my talking bird
though you know so few words
they're on infinite repeat
like your brain can't keep up with your beak.

and you're kept in an open cage
so you're free to leave or stay.
sometimes you get confused
like there's a hint that I am trying to give you.

the longer you think, the less you know what to do.

it's hard to see your way out
when you live in a house in a house
cause you don't realize
that the windows were open the whole time.

But oh, my talking bird
Though your feathers are tattered and furled
I'll love you all your days
till the breath leaves your delicate frame.

It's all here for you as long as your choose to stay.
It's all here for you as long as you don't fly away.
~ Talking Bird by Death Cab for Cutie