something like Hosea

it seems that as of late i haven't quite known how to tell people how i'm doing. when people ask me how i am, i'll say i'm good, but really... i'm... a lot of everything. i'm mostly tired. i'm ready for a break down. i'm ready for things to come crashing...

i know that if some of you read what i'm about to write, it will come as a shock. i know some of you will smile. and i know some of you will finally understand why i've been acting the way i have...

the past few months i've felt that i literally have been ripped apart. that all i've known and thought and hoped and prayed and tried to do and lived for have been flipped upside down and spilled out all over the ground around me. some of you know this, but for those who don't, around a little more than a month ago, i got to the point where i almost denied everything. i was so angry at the church and everything around me that had anything to do with Christianity, that i was about to throw my hands and say goodbye to all i knew. i've always known there is a God... it just makes sense. all this couldn't just come from nothing....... something can't come from nothing. but i was, i'm still, mad. i'm mad at the churches in today's world. i'm mad at Christians. it seems that for the most part, today's "christians" are dead. they say they believe, they say they love God... but they have no idea. i almost want to shake some of them and say "how dare you say you're a Christian... you have no right soiling the name of God's people like that!" but then i look at my own life... and i'm quickly put in my place.

and then, there came the questions.

you've heard them, i've wrote about them... i know i'll never have the answers to everything. but one thing i did learn is that the more i tried to put God "in a box" the more i got confused and the more things began to honestly become hard for me. God will not be put in a box. God cannot be put in a box. if i could understand Him, He wouldn't be the God He is. and from what i know of Him, He is:

Creative. just look around you...... you can't look at some things in nature and not think that it is truly creative...

Loving. He saved my life, literally... i should be dead right now... and so should my father... but He saved our lives. it truly is a miracle that we both are alive right now

Intelligent. study jellyfish, tell me how our hearts know to beat, explain why things react and work the way they do... and you will see just how intelligent He had to be to create all this

He's a lover of freedom. He has given us free choice to love Him or not. He won't force us to love Him if we don't want to. this is a whole other blog in itself, but basically, i can sum it up in this... which would be more loving? force someone to love you, or let them love you because they simply love you?

He's moral. i don't care who you are, you can't tell me that you don't have some sense of what is right and what is wrong. we all know what is basically bad and good, just and unjust... so where did that come from? it had to come from an ultimate standard. there HAS to be a standard to follow. and we can't all just say what's right for me is right for me and what works for you works for you... because then we live in mass chaos and contradiction. our sense of morality had to come from somewhere...

He's complex - someone dare explain the trinity to me...






and that is proof enough to run back home.








so here i am. in the midst of something beautiful. surrounded by a group of friends who i believe i'll be friends with until the day i die. i'm growing and changing and becoming the woman i've always wanted to be. i'm finding my voice. i'm learning to be patient and humble. i'm learning what it really means to let go and stop worrying. i'm learning to be thankful. i'm learning to be careful how i treat people around me... i feel as if God gave me new eyes. things dont look the same. from the way i eat to the way i treat people. life seems so much more fragile. people are fragile beings... i do not dare want to toy around with love until God has made it clear to pursue it. i'm learning to speak love and control my tongue... now if i could only learn to control my mind... now that would be a wonderful thing.


so this is how i am doing...


and i'm more grateful than you know.










title? go read the first couple chapters of Hosea in the Bible... you'll see...

scattered pages

i have a bad habit of keeping about 3 or 4 journals at a time. one in my car, one in my purse, one in my room, and one on my computer. this happened because i'd always forget my journal when i most needed it. i'd end up going and buying a new one just so i could write my thoughts down for that day... i ended up just leaving them in those places (purse, car, computer...etc...) so that i'd never be with out one. but now i'm realizing that all my thoughts are scattered every where. i really want to take a day to compile all my journals into one... but then i'll be left with a bunch of half empty journals spread every where. i obviously didn't think this through.

while i was getting ready this morning i came across one of my oldest journals... it was the one i got when God really started changing my heart and awakening me. i began reading back through it............

April 22, 2008
i can't help but feel like something is missing. that i'm being called to something more... that God has something big for our generation.

several months later, i still feel the same way. it was only a few weeks after a wrote that entry in my journal on april 22 that God showed me my true passions... the church and my generation. if you know me, you know my frustration with the church and this generation i live in.

i'm ready for a change... and that means more than you may know.


i'm also really self-concious today... and antsy... and hungry........ oh Lord i'm tired of this wretched sin stained flesh.

a new found love

some how i missed the memo that mewithoutyou is a christian band... i don't know how... but i finally stopped and started listening/reading the lyrics... oh my goodness. they are by far some of the best lyrics i've ever heard. hands down. they beat mute math. but mute math is still musically my favorite :)

"If ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You"
-mewithoutyou - Messes of Men

this is the result

of having a song stuck in my head and being bored in class... i find inspiration in strange places. so here's my attempts at writing "poetry"

good morning my dream boy
i dreamt of you all last night
you were singing me that song with your golden red hair
it was my favorite melody and i hummed some harmony
as i smiled and drifted back to sleep

oh my love i don't know you yet
and oh my friend how i need you
and i don't know when I'll find you
cause it's not our time to unite
and run off in the into the sunset

oh hello love, thanks for coming
I'd hoped you would
even though this isn't quite so normal
won't you stay just for now
so i can sleep here in your warmth?
i know I'm safe when you're near.


that's all i wrote... class ended and i didn't bother to finish it... my inspiration ran a little dry.

right so... thank you New Testament class and Early Birdie by Owl City for inspiring some sappy poetry out of this lonely girl....

never quite as ironic as i think

today couldn't be more of a blessing to me. school is canceled, no work, no plans... and all amidst it all, me and my friends are fasting... praying for a dear friends family member.

this past week has been tiring... i'm thankful i have a day to catch up... but most of all to spend this day in prayer... surrendering my thoughts and fears and hopes... i feel strong today...... like i could take on the world if i needed to. but for now, i'll take this strength and conquer my room ;) haha...

dear sweet snow, how i love your refreshing smell
how i love your power hidden in your soft weight
your way of bringing out the hidden joy deep in our hearts
your way of covering the earth like a pure white blanket
the way you float to earth with out a care
the way you fall on my cold nose and hot pink cheeks
such sweet rapture in this moment.....
i'll rest in your cold grasp... i'll let go... and just breath...

i told you i was trouble.

so this post is going to sound really conceited... but i'm venting... so ignore this if you like. but i hope that those of you who do read this, know me well enough to know where i'm coming from and that i'm not a jerk. i know i'm not perfect...

so why can't guys and girls just be friends? why can't they just take time getting to know each other and let things happen if they do, but if they don't, then they don't. recently, i've found myself entangled in some kind of situation with at least 4 guys. the first guy blew me away with his kind heart and forgiving spirit. yet he isn't a christian. this is what tore me away from him. for as much as we fit each other, that one thing just won't work. even though i know i have hundreds of questions about Christianity to the point where i want to deny it all and just say "God exists," i can't let go of it all. then guy number 2 lied and deceived me unlike any other guy. then guy numero tres was yet another guy who wasn't a christian. then, guy number 4. Christian? check? good looking? check? fun? check. BUT! i still know nothing about the guy. but, now there's a dumb level of commitment between us. we went on a date and now i feel like if i don't continue to follow along and keep "dating" him, i can't go back and even be his friend. it's just a lose lose situation. and i HATE this. i love hanging out with guys... sometimes a lot better than with girls. girls tend to be over dramatic and catty. plus i just can't go and do some things with girls. not a lot of girls like long boarding and sports and loud music....... it's just so frustrating... it really seems impossible to be friends with guys at times... unless they're already interested in someone else, it's either like we have to just date, or not even hardly be friends.

but right now, i feel that any guy would be a masochist for liking me. God is doing amazing things in my life right now, but i'm spiritually and emotionally a wreck. i need to be single for now to just really focus on God and what he's doing. i'm far to easily distracted. i know if i get into an actual relationship with a guy right now i'll just get distracted from the bigger picture. i just need guys to be my friend... to help me. to pray for me. to encourage me. to let me be and be someone to cheer me up when i'm broken. i fear if they start liking me and pursue me, i'll just have to tell them i can't date now, and then it'll get awkward and then we can't even be friends... raaaagh!!!!

i'm just tired of guys doing this to me. but i can't be mad at them for it! they know (well, some do at least) that girls want to be pursued, so they do... but i'm the one exception to rule, but only during this time in my life. i'm just not datable right now. and quite frankly, i just want to be single... i'm not ready to commit myself to any guy. but even when i am ready, i just wish that a guy would not even consider dating me until we've become friends and gotten to know each other.

right... so... venting done.

God willing, i'll go to India for the summer. i'm praying that God allows this, i know i can afford it... but still, God has the power to stop me if He wills it. i have no REAL reason to stop myself from going. i honestly think i need to do this. i need to be away from all that is so distracting here..... though i have a strange feeling that if i go, i'll be walking right into the midst of my troubles. there's nothing like a mission trip to humble the ever living snot out of you. but it's not a "mission trip" per say, we're just going to work with a local orphanage and then that's about it... or at least that's all i know of. i'm willing to do whatever. but i also know that when i come back, my troubles won't have left.. they'll still be waiting back here for me. but i'm hoping that through this i'll grow a lot closer to God and i'll have a new perspective on the troubles and maybe i'll be more responsible in how i respond to them. maybe i'll get better at not leading guys on... maybe i'll learn to be thankful for my house and living situation... maybe i'll find confidence... maybe i'll find my true love in Christ.......find my security in him. but, who knows. i just don't want to be running from my problems.




Title by Amy Winehouse - you know i'm no good.