so i don't get it...
over the past year i've been surrounded by people from cali or are going to cali. i even made a random friend over there... his name is Joey. he got me listening to his radio station over there. pretty awesome stuff if i do say so myself...
itunes>radio>public>KXLU
so i've had 3 friends move to cali. my pastor and his fam are from cali. my roommate and like 6 (no exageration) other friends of mine are from cali.
and i want to go to cali.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Wrestling in the Night
i got a new devotional book today. it's the the message//remix: solo.
i read the first 2 and i really like them. they get me thinking about scripture in a way i haven't before.
for day 2 it has you reading the passage genesis 32:22-32. it asks you first how you can relate to this passage.... to picture yourself in it. i don't know where i fit in it... who or what i can relate to. but as i think about it... i'm Jacob. i'm constantly wrestling with God. i feel like i really struggle to just let go with a lot of things in my life. even though i often think... this is silly! just let go and move on! but then i try, and i fall back down.
then, the book asks you to try to get comfortable with God. to trust God and reveal the inner most parts of your heart to him. as soon as i read that i felt nauseous, and oddly comforted. i often realize that i have a lot of little things to work on in my life....... anyways. it's a good devotional.
i can't wait to get my tattoo. i've been planning and plotting this thing out for almost 5 years... but my idea changes so much. i've at least consistently stayed with the idea of a sparrow. i just have to some how find a way to combine a sparrow and the passage Matthew 22:37-40. something came to mind as i was talking a friend last night. he was venting to me about life stuff... he wants so badly to start serving God in ways never done before. to start a movement... he just doesn't know how. as we talked, all i knew to say was,
"you know, i don't have the answers to all these things, but i do know one thing. i know that God tells us above all other things, we must love him.... love him in ways we never thought possible. God also tells us to love others like we love ourselves."
...but how can we really love people if don't love ourselves? maybe this is why i struggle so much to be patient with some people, or to look past the flaws in some people. maybe because i'm impatient with myself, or because i can't see myself the way others see me, or learn to forgive myself, i don't know how to really be patient with others, or see others, or forgive others.
so i guess the first order of business would be to learn how to forgive myself. to stop looking at the tiny blotch on the big white canvas and realize that i AM capable of great things. i need to see that the things i'm focusing on don't matter... like the clothes i wear or my appearance or whether or not i have a boyfriend...etc....... i need to learn how to be patient with myself when i don't understand things right away or when i can't seem to lose this last little bit of weight that makes me really self concious. i need to learn how to see myself the way others see me.... oh what i'd give to see myself through the eyes of my mother or my father..... *sigh* what i'd give to have the faith of a child again........
i read the first 2 and i really like them. they get me thinking about scripture in a way i haven't before.
for day 2 it has you reading the passage genesis 32:22-32. it asks you first how you can relate to this passage.... to picture yourself in it. i don't know where i fit in it... who or what i can relate to. but as i think about it... i'm Jacob. i'm constantly wrestling with God. i feel like i really struggle to just let go with a lot of things in my life. even though i often think... this is silly! just let go and move on! but then i try, and i fall back down.
then, the book asks you to try to get comfortable with God. to trust God and reveal the inner most parts of your heart to him. as soon as i read that i felt nauseous, and oddly comforted. i often realize that i have a lot of little things to work on in my life....... anyways. it's a good devotional.
i can't wait to get my tattoo. i've been planning and plotting this thing out for almost 5 years... but my idea changes so much. i've at least consistently stayed with the idea of a sparrow. i just have to some how find a way to combine a sparrow and the passage Matthew 22:37-40. something came to mind as i was talking a friend last night. he was venting to me about life stuff... he wants so badly to start serving God in ways never done before. to start a movement... he just doesn't know how. as we talked, all i knew to say was,
"you know, i don't have the answers to all these things, but i do know one thing. i know that God tells us above all other things, we must love him.... love him in ways we never thought possible. God also tells us to love others like we love ourselves."
...but how can we really love people if don't love ourselves? maybe this is why i struggle so much to be patient with some people, or to look past the flaws in some people. maybe because i'm impatient with myself, or because i can't see myself the way others see me, or learn to forgive myself, i don't know how to really be patient with others, or see others, or forgive others.
so i guess the first order of business would be to learn how to forgive myself. to stop looking at the tiny blotch on the big white canvas and realize that i AM capable of great things. i need to see that the things i'm focusing on don't matter... like the clothes i wear or my appearance or whether or not i have a boyfriend...etc....... i need to learn how to be patient with myself when i don't understand things right away or when i can't seem to lose this last little bit of weight that makes me really self concious. i need to learn how to see myself the way others see me.... oh what i'd give to see myself through the eyes of my mother or my father..... *sigh* what i'd give to have the faith of a child again........
Saturday, April 11, 2009
scattered thoughts...as usual
i turned my music off for once. my window is open and the fresh breeze is blowing in... i don't do this often, but i should do it more. i hate silence, so i play music a lot. but now that it's spring, there are so many birds singing that i can't help but shut my music off... it really is making my heart happy, in a melancholy sort of way.
i'm excited for may. april needs to be done. i'm moving (finally) may 10th(ish). i feel like i've been begging God for a new beginning. a way to get out of what i'm in now, and way to start over. i've some how found myself in not so glorifying positions at work and life and such. i think i'm finally getting what i asked for. it's just i often stop, and look at myself, and catch myself thinking... this isn't really who i want to be.... but i don't know how to get there. i want to be THAT girl. Ryan, if you read this, you'll know what i mean... but for everyone else... THAT girl is the girl who everyone feels they can talk to. that they truly don't judge others, and they love peace and love, love. the person that realizes that sometimes you really don't know all the answers to life, but still runs towards God like there's no tomorrow. i want to be the person that people can look up to, but don't feel intimidated by.
i've gone through so much just in this year... i hadn't realized it until the other day....... no wonder my heart has been so tired....... if i could sum everything i've learned in to anything, it'd be this:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:-37-40
basically this is going to be my tattoo. i've got a bunch of ideas (sparrow, star, ant, tree, a couple different quotes...) that i've thought would be amazing tattoos... so many so that i highly considered getting a sleeve... but even though i'd love it now, i'd probably not like it when i'm like...50? but i love tattoos... a lot... and that verse sums up all my tattoo ideas into one. i hope to get it done this summer. i don't know where i'll get it yet. i'm thinking rib cage on the left side.
i'm just ready to be rid of all this dumb crap in my life. i feel like my life is cluttered... both mentally and physically. i need to cut things out and start getting simplistic with everything. i want to stop worrying about all the little things and take steps forward. i want to clean my room and get rid of all these little meaningless things. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don't wear and donate them to the poor. i want to stop being the person i am now, and start being the person i want to be. i want to stop worrying about what others think. i want to love on others and just let go of the past.
...
i wish i could play my mandolin better
i wish i had better fashion sense
i wish i had longer hair
i wish i had a dog
...i wish i had more faith...
i wish my nose was peirced and i had my tattoo
i wish i could stop worrying
i wish it was may.......
i wish i had a more meaningful job
i wish i wasn't so lazy
i wish i had more motivation
i'm thankful though...
i'm thankful for my church
for my friends
for my relationship with God
for my parents
for God's timing
for learning
for music
for pretty weather
for new beginnings
for coffee :)
for the way God made me
for awareness
with all that said. i'm going to clean my room now. i have pretty much the whole day to clean and begin the packing process.... just 29 more days until i'm out of this house... that's my motivation.
i'm excited for may. april needs to be done. i'm moving (finally) may 10th(ish). i feel like i've been begging God for a new beginning. a way to get out of what i'm in now, and way to start over. i've some how found myself in not so glorifying positions at work and life and such. i think i'm finally getting what i asked for. it's just i often stop, and look at myself, and catch myself thinking... this isn't really who i want to be.... but i don't know how to get there. i want to be THAT girl. Ryan, if you read this, you'll know what i mean... but for everyone else... THAT girl is the girl who everyone feels they can talk to. that they truly don't judge others, and they love peace and love, love. the person that realizes that sometimes you really don't know all the answers to life, but still runs towards God like there's no tomorrow. i want to be the person that people can look up to, but don't feel intimidated by.
i've gone through so much just in this year... i hadn't realized it until the other day....... no wonder my heart has been so tired....... if i could sum everything i've learned in to anything, it'd be this:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:-37-40
basically this is going to be my tattoo. i've got a bunch of ideas (sparrow, star, ant, tree, a couple different quotes...) that i've thought would be amazing tattoos... so many so that i highly considered getting a sleeve... but even though i'd love it now, i'd probably not like it when i'm like...50? but i love tattoos... a lot... and that verse sums up all my tattoo ideas into one. i hope to get it done this summer. i don't know where i'll get it yet. i'm thinking rib cage on the left side.
i'm just ready to be rid of all this dumb crap in my life. i feel like my life is cluttered... both mentally and physically. i need to cut things out and start getting simplistic with everything. i want to stop worrying about all the little things and take steps forward. i want to clean my room and get rid of all these little meaningless things. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don't wear and donate them to the poor. i want to stop being the person i am now, and start being the person i want to be. i want to stop worrying about what others think. i want to love on others and just let go of the past.
...
i wish i could play my mandolin better
i wish i had better fashion sense
i wish i had longer hair
i wish i had a dog
...i wish i had more faith...
i wish my nose was peirced and i had my tattoo
i wish i could stop worrying
i wish it was may.......
i wish i had a more meaningful job
i wish i wasn't so lazy
i wish i had more motivation
i'm thankful though...
i'm thankful for my church
for my friends
for my relationship with God
for my parents
for God's timing
for learning
for music
for pretty weather
for new beginnings
for coffee :)
for the way God made me
for awareness
with all that said. i'm going to clean my room now. i have pretty much the whole day to clean and begin the packing process.... just 29 more days until i'm out of this house... that's my motivation.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
things i love
drinking hot tea right before bed
leaving the window open all night
way too many covers and pillows so i get buried in their mass
driving with my windows down
burning candles
sleeping in
eating healthy
finding new bands
watching the stars
sitting in the sun
dogs
new beginnings
adventures
my family
my friends
my church
leaving the window open all night
way too many covers and pillows so i get buried in their mass
driving with my windows down
burning candles
sleeping in
eating healthy
finding new bands
watching the stars
sitting in the sun
dogs
new beginnings
adventures
my family
my friends
my church
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
trader joe's bag and a little bit of confidence
i've been learning a lot about myself lately. a lot... more than i probably ever wanted to actually.
one huge thing i think i've always known but never wanted to face was my lack of confidence. now when i say that i don't exactly mean just the typical lack of confidence in appearance, i mean i lack confidence in just about every area of life. worst of all, i lack confidence in sharing my love for God with others i don't know. i get shy when i begin to tell others that i really do love the God of Christianity, that i strive to be more like Him, that i'm running after Him, blindly, but running as fast as i can.
i'm admitting to the fact that a lot of what i do, say, wear, is because of others around me. i'm like a chameleon of sorts. i often think of things i want to wear, but i'm scared to because i don't want to be teased. or i won't wear certain things because i know the person i've got my eye on won't think that's cute or attractive.
and quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
for example... i cut my hair short because i was told by a few friends that they loved my hair short... well, i don't! i like bits about it, but not completely. i don't feel like myself. i think i told myself a lot that i liked it short just to try to talk myself into liking it...... but i miss being able to wear it curly, i miss the way it made me feel girly, i miss it falling in my face, i miss the way it trapped the warm sunshine within itself and then fell on my neck and face only to release the suns warmth on me......
so today i stepped out of my comfort zone. let me first back track and just say that i no longer believe in irony. irony is just a fancy term for God's perfect timing. right, so, today i was sitting in my not so usual starbucks TRYING to study... i couldn't focus. i was thinking about this whole subject, on top of the way our culture is and how rough it has become because of this economy. i was thinking about moving out... what has to be done and packed and bought and such before it can happen. right so after i journaled for a bit i realized that i really needed my computer, which i didn't have with me. so i started to head home. as i was walking out to my car i walked by a homeless woman. i've seen her a lot actually. her name is Gayle (i don't know how she spells it). she's never asked me for money... she's only smiled and politely asked me how i was or made a nice comment about something i had. much like how i would to another girl ("i looove your purse!" or "your hair is really cute!"). well as i walked by, she mentioned that she liked my bag. it's a trader joes bag that i've been using as a purse... i know... i'm strange. but i liked it. i thanked her and as i flopped into my car it was like the momentum flung my heart to my stomach. my heart ached for her.
"but what can I do for her?!"
i began to have an internal battle in my brain. i have not a lot of money to my name, and the money i do have i'm saving for when i move out. so then i thought... what do i have? as i looked around, i saw my bag, and i remembered i had a few bucks in my wallet and my bible. i knew right away i needed to give them to her... but not just give them to her and walk off... my heart ached to talk to her. but i'm not very good at starting conversations sometimes. so i grabbed my bag, dumped it out on my back seat, grabbed my bible and the few bucks in my wallet and stuck them in the bible and headed back to her. i honestly have no idea how i started the conversation... i just remember praying that God would speak through me. as i sat, i saw a different part of my heart i hadn't seen before... a passion arise that i hadn't noticed until then. Gayle is a 60 year old, homeless, sweet and compassionate woman. but there is no where for her to go. the Hall House only accepts women with kids in school. Jackson park is similar. but she can not find a job (or so she claims... though with the way this economy is, i don't doubt it). she sleeps behind restaurants on cardboard. as i sat there talking to her, i almost wept.
it's just not fair. she is a human being with a heart and soul. a heart that breaths and feels and pumps life into her body. i don't get it... it's like God gave me new eyes... i can't treat people the same way. being rude to people is hard. yeah i get irritated at people but i know how i feel when people make comments about this or that....... heck! it's what has gotten me here!!! it's like i can hear them all saying those things again... and that same knot, that same swelling chocking feeling comes back with every memory. Gayle is no better than me, and i'm no better than her.
Come on people! when are you going to open your eyes and see what is going on around us!? people are dying on the streets! people are going hungry!
WORST OF ALL!!!
people are getting a HORRID impression of who God IS what Christians are. when are we going to Love like He loved? when are we going to begin to treat others how we want to be treated?
i witnessed one of the simplest acts of kindness the other day at work. an older gentleman lingered at the register while 2 women ordered their drinks, as they began to pay he interrupted them and said, "no no, wait... it's on me... now it's your turn to do something for someone else"
i almost cried when this happened. i don't know why but it honestly blew me away. i haven't seen such simple sweet kindness in such a long time. it's about dang time something happened!
call me a hippie, but seriously, all we need is Love. and God is Love. so all we need is God.
i mean why do you think we all hurt so much when we're single? why do we crave friendship? why do we long to hear a few simple words of encouragement? why does it hurt so badly when someone says something harsh?
We need love!
so i'm tired of it all, i'm ready for change. i'm ready for the church to stand up and start being true Christians. one's that speak highly of their Lord and Father. Christian's that don't make Christianity sound cheap and cheesy. Gah... i know tracts work, but i swear sometimes when i see them i want to rip them apart and burn them. THIS IS THE LORD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! what i slap in the face! i can't help but think how i'd feel if someone gave others little poorly drawn cartoon booklets with happy go lucky cheesy phrases that described me. a little handout that scared them into a pseudo relationship with me. that's not real LOVE. it's things like this that almost made me abandon my faith. you say tracts brought you to Christ, i say they almost tore me away.
so what am i getting at? what's my point?
my point is, is that people don't think about what they say or do. that the Creator of everything called Himself Love, and commanded us to Love like He Loved, and we're doing a shoddy job at it if you ask me. our actions and words are causing people like me and Gayle to fall short. to lack confidence in ourselves. to fall into temptation and then into sin.
and i'm so sick of it.
watch this.... maybe it'll help translate what is in my heart.
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory/
one huge thing i think i've always known but never wanted to face was my lack of confidence. now when i say that i don't exactly mean just the typical lack of confidence in appearance, i mean i lack confidence in just about every area of life. worst of all, i lack confidence in sharing my love for God with others i don't know. i get shy when i begin to tell others that i really do love the God of Christianity, that i strive to be more like Him, that i'm running after Him, blindly, but running as fast as i can.
i'm admitting to the fact that a lot of what i do, say, wear, is because of others around me. i'm like a chameleon of sorts. i often think of things i want to wear, but i'm scared to because i don't want to be teased. or i won't wear certain things because i know the person i've got my eye on won't think that's cute or attractive.
and quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
for example... i cut my hair short because i was told by a few friends that they loved my hair short... well, i don't! i like bits about it, but not completely. i don't feel like myself. i think i told myself a lot that i liked it short just to try to talk myself into liking it...... but i miss being able to wear it curly, i miss the way it made me feel girly, i miss it falling in my face, i miss the way it trapped the warm sunshine within itself and then fell on my neck and face only to release the suns warmth on me......
so today i stepped out of my comfort zone. let me first back track and just say that i no longer believe in irony. irony is just a fancy term for God's perfect timing. right, so, today i was sitting in my not so usual starbucks TRYING to study... i couldn't focus. i was thinking about this whole subject, on top of the way our culture is and how rough it has become because of this economy. i was thinking about moving out... what has to be done and packed and bought and such before it can happen. right so after i journaled for a bit i realized that i really needed my computer, which i didn't have with me. so i started to head home. as i was walking out to my car i walked by a homeless woman. i've seen her a lot actually. her name is Gayle (i don't know how she spells it). she's never asked me for money... she's only smiled and politely asked me how i was or made a nice comment about something i had. much like how i would to another girl ("i looove your purse!" or "your hair is really cute!"). well as i walked by, she mentioned that she liked my bag. it's a trader joes bag that i've been using as a purse... i know... i'm strange. but i liked it. i thanked her and as i flopped into my car it was like the momentum flung my heart to my stomach. my heart ached for her.
"but what can I do for her?!"
i began to have an internal battle in my brain. i have not a lot of money to my name, and the money i do have i'm saving for when i move out. so then i thought... what do i have? as i looked around, i saw my bag, and i remembered i had a few bucks in my wallet and my bible. i knew right away i needed to give them to her... but not just give them to her and walk off... my heart ached to talk to her. but i'm not very good at starting conversations sometimes. so i grabbed my bag, dumped it out on my back seat, grabbed my bible and the few bucks in my wallet and stuck them in the bible and headed back to her. i honestly have no idea how i started the conversation... i just remember praying that God would speak through me. as i sat, i saw a different part of my heart i hadn't seen before... a passion arise that i hadn't noticed until then. Gayle is a 60 year old, homeless, sweet and compassionate woman. but there is no where for her to go. the Hall House only accepts women with kids in school. Jackson park is similar. but she can not find a job (or so she claims... though with the way this economy is, i don't doubt it). she sleeps behind restaurants on cardboard. as i sat there talking to her, i almost wept.
it's just not fair. she is a human being with a heart and soul. a heart that breaths and feels and pumps life into her body. i don't get it... it's like God gave me new eyes... i can't treat people the same way. being rude to people is hard. yeah i get irritated at people but i know how i feel when people make comments about this or that....... heck! it's what has gotten me here!!! it's like i can hear them all saying those things again... and that same knot, that same swelling chocking feeling comes back with every memory. Gayle is no better than me, and i'm no better than her.
Come on people! when are you going to open your eyes and see what is going on around us!? people are dying on the streets! people are going hungry!
WORST OF ALL!!!
people are getting a HORRID impression of who God IS what Christians are. when are we going to Love like He loved? when are we going to begin to treat others how we want to be treated?
i witnessed one of the simplest acts of kindness the other day at work. an older gentleman lingered at the register while 2 women ordered their drinks, as they began to pay he interrupted them and said, "no no, wait... it's on me... now it's your turn to do something for someone else"
i almost cried when this happened. i don't know why but it honestly blew me away. i haven't seen such simple sweet kindness in such a long time. it's about dang time something happened!
call me a hippie, but seriously, all we need is Love. and God is Love. so all we need is God.
i mean why do you think we all hurt so much when we're single? why do we crave friendship? why do we long to hear a few simple words of encouragement? why does it hurt so badly when someone says something harsh?
We need love!
so i'm tired of it all, i'm ready for change. i'm ready for the church to stand up and start being true Christians. one's that speak highly of their Lord and Father. Christian's that don't make Christianity sound cheap and cheesy. Gah... i know tracts work, but i swear sometimes when i see them i want to rip them apart and burn them. THIS IS THE LORD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! what i slap in the face! i can't help but think how i'd feel if someone gave others little poorly drawn cartoon booklets with happy go lucky cheesy phrases that described me. a little handout that scared them into a pseudo relationship with me. that's not real LOVE. it's things like this that almost made me abandon my faith. you say tracts brought you to Christ, i say they almost tore me away.
so what am i getting at? what's my point?
my point is, is that people don't think about what they say or do. that the Creator of everything called Himself Love, and commanded us to Love like He Loved, and we're doing a shoddy job at it if you ask me. our actions and words are causing people like me and Gayle to fall short. to lack confidence in ourselves. to fall into temptation and then into sin.
and i'm so sick of it.
watch this.... maybe it'll help translate what is in my heart.
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
