who am i?

do you ever get caught up in the eb and flow of life and suddenly find yourself lost? that's where i am. i've been going through school, church, friends, life, and suddenly stopped and found that i don't know who i am or where i am. i kept trying to place my identity in the clothes i wore, in the church i went to, in the school i went to... in the style i was trying to be. only to come crashing down with nothing but a question of, what now? maybe none of this is making sense. maybe you can totally relate... regardless, it's how i've been feeling for a while now. i'm stuck now not knowing who Kendall is. i told my friend the other day that i felt older. he didn't quite understand, and honestly, i didn't either... but there was something about that day that made me feel older. today, i figured it out... i was being me. when i had stopped trying to please everyone around me and allowed my true heart of hearts to shine through, i couldn't help but feel mature. i had been with my closest friends the night before. they are the ones that know me inside and out... my deepest of darkest secrets. they are there for me, the keep me accountable (thanks Aaron), they give me space but still long to be close. i feel like there is a CIU Kendall, a church Kendall, a certain group of friends Kendall, and then somewhere in the midst of all of this... there is the true Kendall. but i constantly am asking myself, who is that? when i look in the mirror, who do i see? what type of Kendall am i trying to be today? and i'm tired. i can't do it anymore. there are so many things in my past i'm coming to realize i have not let go of yet, and a friend of mine helped me to see that (thanks Scott). i heard this song the other night, and i'm pretty sure the better part of it really relates to it all... actually like the whole entire CD could be the sound track to my life (Corey Crowder - Learning to let go. that's the name of the album and of the song)

Corey Crowder - Learning to let go
Am I wasting my breath? Because its still in my mind that its always the wrong place at the wrong time. So lets face the facts, we all make mistakes. But weve got to live life before it passes right by.

So before you pack your things and go, theres one last thing that I want you to know.
You cant find happiness if you wont let go.

We can agree on one thing. You cant fight fate with fate. We had a good love, but its seen its last day. When opportunity knocked you had to answer the call. Now those clouds on that sunny day have all blown away.

Open your eyes. Youre bound to get hurt sometime

*sigh* gosh... that song just... it's one of those songs that almost brings me to tears every time i hear it...

"Am I wasting my breath? Because its still in my mind that its always the wrong place at the wrong time. So lets face the facts, we all make mistakes. But weve got to live life before it passes right by. " i constantly second guess myself... no matter what it is or what i'm doing... i constantly find myself wondering if i'm "in the wrong place at the wrong time." i've made mistakes, but i have to keep going... i've got to live life before it passes me by.

" So before you pack your things and go, theres one last thing that I want you to know.
You cant find happiness if you wont let go." i can't let go. i won't let go. i hold on to the grudges and the lies and the mistakes. it's like i'm lettin those things define me... but those are in the past! i'm not those things anymore!!! i used to think "i don't regret my past... it's made me, me" well yes, that's true to some extent... but honestly, i'm not of those things anymore. those lies and hurts. i'm bigger than that... but to some extent, i don't know who i'd be if i hadn't gone through those things. regardless, i "cant find happiness if [i] wont let go"

"We can agree on one thing. You cant fight fate with fate. We had a good love, but its seen its last day. When opportunity knocked you had to answer the call. Now those clouds on that sunny day have all blown away. " everything seemed so great. i loved school and life and just everything about where i was... but those clouds came rollin in, and i lost the sunshine.

" Open your eyes. Youre bound to get hurt sometime." ummm... yeah...

so here i am. wondering to myself, am i in the right place at the right time? or did i screw up again? did i over analyze God's voice, did i look too much at what i wanted? did i not do enough research? because i'm not happy. i find myself feeling like i just don't fit in at CIU anymore. and i don't know what happened. it was like YES! THIS IS IT! then, out of no where, i lost it all. though i have discovered my passions... i just don't know who i am in all of these, or what i'm supposed to do with them. i want to work with college students in an inner varsity at a secular school... but will CIU prepare me for that? am i too sheltered? is it good to be sheltered? since the beginning of my realization for my calling into the ministry, i have had a passion for apologetics. heck, it was apologetics that brought me to the realization of that calling. so now what do i do? God called me to CIU. he freakin blew the doors open so i could go... but now, i don't know if it's where i should be. they don't have an apologetics major... so what do i do? do i leave and go to uncc and while i'm there go to SEBC (southern evangelical bible college)? they have an apologetics major. would that be best so i could immerse myself in the university and get involved in the inner varsity there? or do i search out yet another bible college? i have so much time to decide this, yet i feel so restless. so many people are asking questions and wondering what happened and are trying to put in their 2 cents worth... but what are God's 2 cents? i want to know what HE THINKS. i want his will, and NO one elses... not even mine. forget what i want to do, forget what others say would be best... God knows, and i want him to tell me.

............. so here i am. in this desert.

"Therefore i am now going to allure her;
i will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her"
- Hos. 2:14