something like Hosea

it seems that as of late i haven't quite known how to tell people how i'm doing. when people ask me how i am, i'll say i'm good, but really... i'm... a lot of everything. i'm mostly tired. i'm ready for a break down. i'm ready for things to come crashing...

i know that if some of you read what i'm about to write, it will come as a shock. i know some of you will smile. and i know some of you will finally understand why i've been acting the way i have...

the past few months i've felt that i literally have been ripped apart. that all i've known and thought and hoped and prayed and tried to do and lived for have been flipped upside down and spilled out all over the ground around me. some of you know this, but for those who don't, around a little more than a month ago, i got to the point where i almost denied everything. i was so angry at the church and everything around me that had anything to do with Christianity, that i was about to throw my hands and say goodbye to all i knew. i've always known there is a God... it just makes sense. all this couldn't just come from nothing....... something can't come from nothing. but i was, i'm still, mad. i'm mad at the churches in today's world. i'm mad at Christians. it seems that for the most part, today's "christians" are dead. they say they believe, they say they love God... but they have no idea. i almost want to shake some of them and say "how dare you say you're a Christian... you have no right soiling the name of God's people like that!" but then i look at my own life... and i'm quickly put in my place.

and then, there came the questions.

you've heard them, i've wrote about them... i know i'll never have the answers to everything. but one thing i did learn is that the more i tried to put God "in a box" the more i got confused and the more things began to honestly become hard for me. God will not be put in a box. God cannot be put in a box. if i could understand Him, He wouldn't be the God He is. and from what i know of Him, He is:

Creative. just look around you...... you can't look at some things in nature and not think that it is truly creative...

Loving. He saved my life, literally... i should be dead right now... and so should my father... but He saved our lives. it truly is a miracle that we both are alive right now

Intelligent. study jellyfish, tell me how our hearts know to beat, explain why things react and work the way they do... and you will see just how intelligent He had to be to create all this

He's a lover of freedom. He has given us free choice to love Him or not. He won't force us to love Him if we don't want to. this is a whole other blog in itself, but basically, i can sum it up in this... which would be more loving? force someone to love you, or let them love you because they simply love you?

He's moral. i don't care who you are, you can't tell me that you don't have some sense of what is right and what is wrong. we all know what is basically bad and good, just and unjust... so where did that come from? it had to come from an ultimate standard. there HAS to be a standard to follow. and we can't all just say what's right for me is right for me and what works for you works for you... because then we live in mass chaos and contradiction. our sense of morality had to come from somewhere...

He's complex - someone dare explain the trinity to me...






and that is proof enough to run back home.








so here i am. in the midst of something beautiful. surrounded by a group of friends who i believe i'll be friends with until the day i die. i'm growing and changing and becoming the woman i've always wanted to be. i'm finding my voice. i'm learning to be patient and humble. i'm learning what it really means to let go and stop worrying. i'm learning to be thankful. i'm learning to be careful how i treat people around me... i feel as if God gave me new eyes. things dont look the same. from the way i eat to the way i treat people. life seems so much more fragile. people are fragile beings... i do not dare want to toy around with love until God has made it clear to pursue it. i'm learning to speak love and control my tongue... now if i could only learn to control my mind... now that would be a wonderful thing.


so this is how i am doing...


and i'm more grateful than you know.










title? go read the first couple chapters of Hosea in the Bible... you'll see...