pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside.

i'm really battling myself on this one right now. everything in me wants to just write out how i feel and about what has been happening to me over the past few months of my life, but i can't. too many people have this blog now and they know people i know, and i'm not one to bad talk others.

but i just wish they knew how they hurt me.

i guess i can't blame them though right? they didn't know that they were hurting me, nor have i really told all but one of them. but there's a part of me that is being stubborn and doesn't want to HAVE to tell them. they should just know. i mean, i've gone MIA. do they really not care or wonder where i went? i only see them randomly when we happen to cross paths. and when we do, i only ever get from them, "oh you got a tattoo! and you're hair is shorter!"

never a "how ARE you?" "what happened?" "why'd you leave?" "are you ok? you seem different..."

and if i do, it's merely one of those in passing kinds of "how are you"s

i just want to get out. go home. be with people who actually care for me and aren't just trying to get something from me. why can't people just be my FRIEND. i'm sick of guys hunting me down to date me or get in my pants. tired of girls pretending to be my best friend yet never seek me out.

i'm tired of the dirty south. oh dear God please get me out of here.

this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. why are christians the most back-stabbing two-timers. some of my better friends in life have been non-christians. it's so sick and twisted. but i'm stuck!

you see, this is the way this goes down...

i grew up closer to my brother than my sister so i tend to be very tom-boyish. i get along a lot better with guys than girls. but i have a very outgoing "flirty" personality. so i get myself into trouble a lot. i cling to guys, but my personality leads them on, they fall for me, i have to back away cause i don't like them, then they get mad, and i loose a friend. and then the cycle continues. then, i try to be friends with girls, but why does it seem that SO MANY girls are so ****ing fake! it makes me so ill! then the girls who i'm like wow, this girl is awesome and i could actually see myself getting along with her for once, are not christians. and this is so tiring. because i know myself well enough to know that i have to have good community around me or i'm doomed to backwards thinking. but they care about me and want nothing more than to just BE MY FRIEND. it's why i go to Zada Janes all the time. there are 2 girls there who have become genuine friends to me and get excited to see me and will try to come and sit and talk with me. they even have gotten to where they notice if something is wrong and care to help. real friends. one of them has even been asking me to move down closer to her so we can hang out more!

so you see my dilemma?

i'll never deny my faith. i'll never abandon my God. but i refuse to let what christianity has become control who i spend my time with. sometimes i just sit and think... what all have i been force fed into believing that is all a lie?

i'm so ****ing tired of the cheesy lines, the myths, the force fed vomit. i swear if one more person says "just give it to God" i'll spit in their face.

YOU DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN GIVING IT TO GOD!?

that's all i can do! that's all i know to do anymore! i'm broken! i'm dead inside. this move wasn't supposed to do this to me! if you're still confused, read Psalm 88 and that should give you an idea of how i feel.

i've never been thrown into such a blaring refining fire. though for as bitter as i am, i can't help but be thankful in the end. because for as dead as i am right now, i can see my heart beginning to beat again. come alive with a real fire. i'm beginning to face my demons, face people, face my fears, confront those who hurt me, stand up for myself. i refuse to be a pushover. i don't care what you think of me and i don't care if i'm unpleasant to be around. if i'm not allowed to mourn and go throw this pain i won't heal. it's as if i tried to ignore a cut on my hand. as long as i ignore it and pretend it's not there, the more irritated it will become. but if i tend to it, and let it go throw the phases of healing, eventually it'll be better.

my options are being weighed. i've got to get out of Huntersville. it's not healthy for me anymore. every day i cry and get angry over something or someone. these people don't care about me up here. none of them. except for one. Camille. she will miss me, and i'll miss her. but i won't be far away....

*sigh*

but that's only if i can get out of my lease.



in the mean time i'll try to spend it with people who actually care for me (my family, Josh, Camille, Megan, Lizzy, David). i'll do things that help me heal... read, write, listen to music, drink hot tea and sit quietly and think. i'll confront my demons. i'll stop being a pushover. i'll write letters to those who hurt me. i'll explore my options and try to move back down to charlotte for the mean time. it's just so hard to heal when you can't escape the people who hurt you. it's like rubbing salt in the wound.


but it's not just them. they were merely the final straw to break my back. years of lies and betrayal from churches and christians and jacked up organizations claiming to preach love and truth and logic has made me this way. no longer will i allow people to get away with hurting me.





i hate lies.