scattered thoughts...as usual

i turned my music off for once. my window is open and the fresh breeze is blowing in... i don't do this often, but i should do it more. i hate silence, so i play music a lot. but now that it's spring, there are so many birds singing that i can't help but shut my music off... it really is making my heart happy, in a melancholy sort of way.

i'm excited for may. april needs to be done. i'm moving (finally) may 10th(ish). i feel like i've been begging God for a new beginning. a way to get out of what i'm in now, and way to start over. i've some how found myself in not so glorifying positions at work and life and such. i think i'm finally getting what i asked for. it's just i often stop, and look at myself, and catch myself thinking... this isn't really who i want to be.... but i don't know how to get there. i want to be THAT girl. Ryan, if you read this, you'll know what i mean... but for everyone else... THAT girl is the girl who everyone feels they can talk to. that they truly don't judge others, and they love peace and love, love. the person that realizes that sometimes you really don't know all the answers to life, but still runs towards God like there's no tomorrow. i want to be the person that people can look up to, but don't feel intimidated by.

i've gone through so much just in this year... i hadn't realized it until the other day....... no wonder my heart has been so tired....... if i could sum everything i've learned in to anything, it'd be this:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:-37-40

basically this is going to be my tattoo. i've got a bunch of ideas (sparrow, star, ant, tree, a couple different quotes...) that i've thought would be amazing tattoos... so many so that i highly considered getting a sleeve... but even though i'd love it now, i'd probably not like it when i'm like...50? but i love tattoos... a lot... and that verse sums up all my tattoo ideas into one. i hope to get it done this summer. i don't know where i'll get it yet. i'm thinking rib cage on the left side.

i'm just ready to be rid of all this dumb crap in my life. i feel like my life is cluttered... both mentally and physically. i need to cut things out and start getting simplistic with everything. i want to stop worrying about all the little things and take steps forward. i want to clean my room and get rid of all these little meaningless things. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don't wear and donate them to the poor. i want to stop being the person i am now, and start being the person i want to be. i want to stop worrying about what others think. i want to love on others and just let go of the past.

...
i wish i could play my mandolin better
i wish i had better fashion sense
i wish i had longer hair
i wish i had a dog
...i wish i had more faith...
i wish my nose was peirced and i had my tattoo
i wish i could stop worrying
i wish it was may.......
i wish i had a more meaningful job
i wish i wasn't so lazy
i wish i had more motivation

i'm thankful though...
i'm thankful for my church
for my friends
for my relationship with God
for my parents
for God's timing
for learning
for music
for pretty weather
for new beginnings
for coffee :)
for the way God made me
for awareness


with all that said. i'm going to clean my room now. i have pretty much the whole day to clean and begin the packing process.... just 29 more days until i'm out of this house... that's my motivation.