Wrestling in the Night

i got a new devotional book today. it's the the message//remix: solo.

i read the first 2 and i really like them. they get me thinking about scripture in a way i haven't before.

for day 2 it has you reading the passage genesis 32:22-32. it asks you first how you can relate to this passage.... to picture yourself in it. i don't know where i fit in it... who or what i can relate to. but as i think about it... i'm Jacob. i'm constantly wrestling with God. i feel like i really struggle to just let go with a lot of things in my life. even though i often think... this is silly! just let go and move on! but then i try, and i fall back down.

then, the book asks you to try to get comfortable with God. to trust God and reveal the inner most parts of your heart to him. as soon as i read that i felt nauseous, and oddly comforted. i often realize that i have a lot of little things to work on in my life....... anyways. it's a good devotional.



i can't wait to get my tattoo. i've been planning and plotting this thing out for almost 5 years... but my idea changes so much. i've at least consistently stayed with the idea of a sparrow. i just have to some how find a way to combine a sparrow and the passage Matthew 22:37-40. something came to mind as i was talking a friend last night. he was venting to me about life stuff... he wants so badly to start serving God in ways never done before. to start a movement... he just doesn't know how. as we talked, all i knew to say was,

"you know, i don't have the answers to all these things, but i do know one thing. i know that God tells us above all other things, we must love him.... love him in ways we never thought possible. God also tells us to love others like we love ourselves."

...but how can we really love people if don't love ourselves? maybe this is why i struggle so much to be patient with some people, or to look past the flaws in some people. maybe because i'm impatient with myself, or because i can't see myself the way others see me, or learn to forgive myself, i don't know how to really be patient with others, or see others, or forgive others.

so i guess the first order of business would be to learn how to forgive myself. to stop looking at the tiny blotch on the big white canvas and realize that i AM capable of great things. i need to see that the things i'm focusing on don't matter... like the clothes i wear or my appearance or whether or not i have a boyfriend...etc....... i need to learn how to be patient with myself when i don't understand things right away or when i can't seem to lose this last little bit of weight that makes me really self concious. i need to learn how to see myself the way others see me.... oh what i'd give to see myself through the eyes of my mother or my father..... *sigh* what i'd give to have the faith of a child again........