i've been learning a lot about myself lately. a lot... more than i probably ever wanted to actually.
one huge thing i think i've always known but never wanted to face was my lack of confidence. now when i say that i don't exactly mean just the typical lack of confidence in appearance, i mean i lack confidence in just about every area of life. worst of all, i lack confidence in sharing my love for God with others i don't know. i get shy when i begin to tell others that i really do love the God of Christianity, that i strive to be more like Him, that i'm running after Him, blindly, but running as fast as i can.
i'm admitting to the fact that a lot of what i do, say, wear, is because of others around me. i'm like a chameleon of sorts. i often think of things i want to wear, but i'm scared to because i don't want to be teased. or i won't wear certain things because i know the person i've got my eye on won't think that's cute or attractive.
and quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
for example... i cut my hair short because i was told by a few friends that they loved my hair short... well, i don't! i like bits about it, but not completely. i don't feel like myself. i think i told myself a lot that i liked it short just to try to talk myself into liking it...... but i miss being able to wear it curly, i miss the way it made me feel girly, i miss it falling in my face, i miss the way it trapped the warm sunshine within itself and then fell on my neck and face only to release the suns warmth on me......
so today i stepped out of my comfort zone. let me first back track and just say that i no longer believe in irony. irony is just a fancy term for God's perfect timing. right, so, today i was sitting in my not so usual starbucks TRYING to study... i couldn't focus. i was thinking about this whole subject, on top of the way our culture is and how rough it has become because of this economy. i was thinking about moving out... what has to be done and packed and bought and such before it can happen. right so after i journaled for a bit i realized that i really needed my computer, which i didn't have with me. so i started to head home. as i was walking out to my car i walked by a homeless woman. i've seen her a lot actually. her name is Gayle (i don't know how she spells it). she's never asked me for money... she's only smiled and politely asked me how i was or made a nice comment about something i had. much like how i would to another girl ("i looove your purse!" or "your hair is really cute!"). well as i walked by, she mentioned that she liked my bag. it's a trader joes bag that i've been using as a purse... i know... i'm strange. but i liked it. i thanked her and as i flopped into my car it was like the momentum flung my heart to my stomach. my heart ached for her.
"but what can I do for her?!"
i began to have an internal battle in my brain. i have not a lot of money to my name, and the money i do have i'm saving for when i move out. so then i thought... what do i have? as i looked around, i saw my bag, and i remembered i had a few bucks in my wallet and my bible. i knew right away i needed to give them to her... but not just give them to her and walk off... my heart ached to talk to her. but i'm not very good at starting conversations sometimes. so i grabbed my bag, dumped it out on my back seat, grabbed my bible and the few bucks in my wallet and stuck them in the bible and headed back to her. i honestly have no idea how i started the conversation... i just remember praying that God would speak through me. as i sat, i saw a different part of my heart i hadn't seen before... a passion arise that i hadn't noticed until then. Gayle is a 60 year old, homeless, sweet and compassionate woman. but there is no where for her to go. the Hall House only accepts women with kids in school. Jackson park is similar. but she can not find a job (or so she claims... though with the way this economy is, i don't doubt it). she sleeps behind restaurants on cardboard. as i sat there talking to her, i almost wept.
it's just not fair. she is a human being with a heart and soul. a heart that breaths and feels and pumps life into her body. i don't get it... it's like God gave me new eyes... i can't treat people the same way. being rude to people is hard. yeah i get irritated at people but i know how i feel when people make comments about this or that....... heck! it's what has gotten me here!!! it's like i can hear them all saying those things again... and that same knot, that same swelling chocking feeling comes back with every memory. Gayle is no better than me, and i'm no better than her.
Come on people! when are you going to open your eyes and see what is going on around us!? people are dying on the streets! people are going hungry!
WORST OF ALL!!!
people are getting a HORRID impression of who God IS what Christians are. when are we going to Love like He loved? when are we going to begin to treat others how we want to be treated?
i witnessed one of the simplest acts of kindness the other day at work. an older gentleman lingered at the register while 2 women ordered their drinks, as they began to pay he interrupted them and said, "no no, wait... it's on me... now it's your turn to do something for someone else"
i almost cried when this happened. i don't know why but it honestly blew me away. i haven't seen such simple sweet kindness in such a long time. it's about dang time something happened!
call me a hippie, but seriously, all we need is Love. and God is Love. so all we need is God.
i mean why do you think we all hurt so much when we're single? why do we crave friendship? why do we long to hear a few simple words of encouragement? why does it hurt so badly when someone says something harsh?
We need love!
so i'm tired of it all, i'm ready for change. i'm ready for the church to stand up and start being true Christians. one's that speak highly of their Lord and Father. Christian's that don't make Christianity sound cheap and cheesy. Gah... i know tracts work, but i swear sometimes when i see them i want to rip them apart and burn them. THIS IS THE LORD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! what i slap in the face! i can't help but think how i'd feel if someone gave others little poorly drawn cartoon booklets with happy go lucky cheesy phrases that described me. a little handout that scared them into a pseudo relationship with me. that's not real LOVE. it's things like this that almost made me abandon my faith. you say tracts brought you to Christ, i say they almost tore me away.
so what am i getting at? what's my point?
my point is, is that people don't think about what they say or do. that the Creator of everything called Himself Love, and commanded us to Love like He Loved, and we're doing a shoddy job at it if you ask me. our actions and words are causing people like me and Gayle to fall short. to lack confidence in ourselves. to fall into temptation and then into sin.
and i'm so sick of it.
watch this.... maybe it'll help translate what is in my heart.
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory/
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