on repeat.

sometimes i feel the best thing for me right now is to just get away and sit and think. to get away from everyone and anyone. to stop listening to the biased opinions of others and dig deep into God and myself and figure all this out.

i had lunch with my mom today. i always love talking to my mom, but sometimes i wish i could be a little more open with her about my life. there are just some things i KNOW i can't tell her OR my dad. they'd be disappointed. worried. maybe even shocked and disgusted. ok maybe not that far. but you get my point.


but i keep coming back to this point in my life. i keep coming back to this bitter lonely feeling about Christianity. my mom basically quoted Gandhi without realizing it today at lunch. she told me, "Kendall it's not Christianity you hate, it's the Christians." and i suppose she is right. though christianity still terrifies me. i know it's not this religion where you have to do your best and then you'll get into heaven... not a sort of Santa Claus belief ("if you're a good little boy/girl Santa will bring you a present!" but i just don't ever feel good enough. i don't understand why some of the most mean and hurtful people are Christians. why so many people in churches have screwed me and my family over. but you know, i've only seen this through the lens of a Christian. i've never seen the way other beliefs work. if others have been hurt through other religions and belief systems. i suppose this is what it all comes down to:

Why does God tell us not to do the things He tells us not to do?

because this is where i'm getting worn thin with Christianity, and i feel like i'm going to be repeating myself, but whatever. i just need to vent. but God tells us to not surround ourselves with people who could drag us away spiritually. ok i get that. but, growing up, it seemed it was always pushed that you weren't even friends with non-christians. THAT doesn't make sense. some of my best friends aren't Christians (Camille, Lizzy, David, Megan...) and the thing is, is i KNOW that if i ever really truly needed them, they'd be there for me in a heartbeat. but i cannot truly say that about my Christian friends. heck i don't even have many of them anymore. and then God calls us to be in Church but God knows i can't stand it and would rather sit at home and pray and read my bible and journal than go be with all those hypocrites. but i go. because well... my mom goes and so does my brother and my friend Esther. i guess they're my church. plus... honestly, i know that if i were to stop going to church my parents would get worried for me and honestly they would really be disappointed. and maybe that's just it. i do a lot of things not out of fear of God, but out of fear of my parents....

and maybe that's just it. maybe it's also my parents wearing me out. i don't feel like i can really be good enough for them. i dread moving back home after my lease is up. i'm praying God will provide somewhere else for me to move because i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.

i truly wonder what has been jacked up and skewed about the Christian belief by Christians.

i realized yesterday amidst smoke filled breaths and weary eyes that i don't know how to worship God. growing up in the Christian Church you learn that worship is mainly by singing praises, and well... that's it. it wasn't until fairly recently did i start realizing that there are other ways to worship and honor and love God. not that singing is bad. it's just that there are so many other ways.

i'm tired of the fakeness. the same ol' same ol' with Christians. Christians are some of the most predictable people you'll meet.

and maybe i don't know what i'm trying to get at. maybe i'm just weary and hurt and don't know how to handle it all. it seems like every little thing keeps reopening this wound. i don't know how to let it heal.

i don't want to abandon my faith. but i want to abandon these Christians.






seriously i feel like i just can't organize all my thoughts. like i'm repeating myself. but i can't understand what i'm trying to say or what my point is anymore or what i want to happen.


i want to be real and raw. i want to love on those who don't understand love. i want to spend my hours helping others and being with people who understand me. i don't want to go to church anymore. i want to be in love. i want to find a healthy escape and release of my pains and frustrations. i don't want my belief to limit who i date and spend my hours with. i don't want to do things just because they're "safe." i want to be free and live life.


ok i'm done rambling. i was supposed to do homework but now i'm just too tired and irritable. i wish i had someone to talk to but i've exhausted all my resources.

i guess i'll drive home and cry and pray. that usually helps.

i sound pathetic.