Elephant Woman

things have, and have not, changed so much for the current mindset that I've come to as of recent. most things in life only cause me to question my religion more and more. it's why i've come to the conclusion that by the worlds definition, i am not a Christian. but by the Bible's definition, i am. though i'm still curious as to how some things work within all that.

here are some of the questions i've thought up as of recent:

1. what is a sin, and what is just a bad decision?

likewise,
2. is an action bad because it has bad consequences, or could an action be good in itself, but just have poor consequences? for example, i get told i'm flirty, a lot... but i'm not trying to be. i'm just nice and outgoing. i love people, and i love to love on people. and unfortunately because i've been hurt by so many girls in deeper ways than guys, and because of how i was raised, i tend to cling to guys before girls. but sometimes my "niceness" has negative consequences. so does that mean that it's bad that i'm being nice?

3. why does God allow others to suffer for His glory? why do others have to die, just so that others can know about Him?

4. why is there such a pull to that which is wrong, if it is so wrong? we have a pull to know Christ just like we have a pull towards sin.

5. Why does God make us intelligent enough to know that there are answers to all these things, but not quite smart enough to understand the answer? though i suppose if we knew all the answers, we'd be just like God.



i did however get into a very good discussion with a close friend of mine. actually, i consider him like a brother to me. i had asked him why homosexuality is wrong...... if God is love, and He calls us to treat others how we would like to be treated, then doesn't it seem contradictory for him to tell us not be homosexual? his response was that basically, outside the context of marriage, homosexuality AND heterosexuality are wrong. but when we look at the biblical context of what marriage is, it is SPECIFICALLY between JUST a MAN and a WOMAN.

but that leads me to another question:

what is sexual immorality? what all does that include?

we also got into the conversation about free-will. that was a comforting conversation.

true love... i don't know if i'll ever understand true love.


if nothing else, i take comfort in the fact that MAYBE if Christ was here in human form again, he'd be pretty pissed off (maybe not in so many words) at the church and what Christianity has become, just like i am. i'm so tired of the fake "cheesyness" it has become. people litterally think we are closed-minded idiots. we're scared, and we give pathetic answers for intense deep questions.............. or maybe that's just what i think of Christians these days. i can't help but question how it is possible that i've been a christian most of my life and been in the church my whole life, yet i don't know the answers to ANY of these questions.

what's even more sad, is that i was sheltered all growing up. i never had non-christian friends. i was too scared to try to make friends with them. i had the idea that i'd some how be led into sin if i was around them. yet after these 20 short years, i've finally become very good friends with a non-christian, and he's the first person to truly accept me, not judge me, love on me, understand me, set me free, challenge me....... yet all the while, never hurting me. what does that say about Christians?

i have a lot of books i need to read...
~ I don't have enough faith to be an athiest by frank turek.
~ sermon on the mount by Emmet Fox
~ conversations with God (can't remember the author)
~ animal farm
~ and i still have to finish twilight (yeah yeah, shut up...)

i'm not much of a reader, but i want to be. i'd just rather spend time with people made of flesh and bones instead of those made of paper and ink.



my best friend told me today amidst frustrated tears and sniffles to "stop being who i think i am, and start being who i am" he also said, "the only obligation which i have a right to assume is to do at any time what i think is right"




Title by Blonde Redhead