this is my bad body double...

today i learned that i deny myself a lot. i deny my true nature and lie to myself saying "no you're really not like that..."



but i am.



i lack self confidence. i don't see myself the way others do. i don't want to believe people when they say what they say. i KNOW who i am. but the second someone second guesses me, i lose it.

i went today to Ace to talk to Skinny about my tattoo and to set up an appointment. i'm excited and nervous and impatient and ready. honestly i've reached this weird calm about it. i don't know how to explain it. it's kind of this mentality where it's not that i'm nervous in the sense that i'm going to regret it, that i'm going to not like it in 20 years... i'm nervous for the pain. i'm nervous that me getting tattoos will cause some guy i'm totally into to not be into me. but tattoos may be some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. i'm obsessed with them. i seriously do pray that God will bless me with a husband that is covered in tattoos. i'm THAT person that stares at people who have them not because they're weird but because i'm infatuated by their tattoos. i always want to stop people and ask them what they mean, why they got them on that part of their body, if they regret it, if they want more... etc... it actually was really encouraging to talk to Skinny..... he was working with a girl there on hers too and while he was sketching hers up, i got to talkin to her and she asked me if i was nervous... i told her the main reason i was worried is that i'm scared that as i get tattoos, guys won't be attracted to me. without skipping a beat, Skinny turned to me and just laughed and said, ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS?! hahaha... i didn't have to ask what he meant... haha... then the girl said yeah seriously sweet heart, my husband has been practically begging me to get a sleeve.

so with that said. let the tattoos begin. :)

it's easy to encourage me and discourage me. just a few simple words or even a mere inflection in the words will do the trick.

it seems that almost every year there's something i'm extra excited about. by this time next year i'll have hopefully finished up CPCC, gotten at least 2 of my tattoos, moved uptown, and gotten a dog. but i'm willing to wait. i'm thankful for these frustrating times in life. i'm thankful God is making me wait for little things and big things. for breaking me. for stripping me down so that i honestly can't be anything but the woman he made... oh how blasphemous am i to try to be something other than whom God made?

i'm tired of hushing my true self because i don't want people to think i'm foolish. i wish people didn't say "oh come on! don't _______!" look, just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean i shouldn't. God made me with these passions for a reason and there will be a time and place for them.



i'm such a weird girl.

i'm attracted to the opposite of me. i love the 40's and Jazz music. i like sports and fishing. i love tattoos and hard core music. i can't describe my style. i'm too nice for my own good. i love big dogs. i love video games and music and concerts. i love cliff diving and i'm scared of trains. i sometimes sneeze when i brush my teeth and cough when i clean my right ear. i want to own my own coffee shop and music venue. i was always just one of the guys growing up. i love make up and fire red lip stick. i love pop art and classical music. i eat really weird... borderline vegetarian with rarely any processed food. i have an extremely addictive personality. i don't put up with ANY kind of crap from guys. i'm spontaneous and don't ask a million questions or think things through... i just do and pray for the best. i'm learning the mandolin and can sing. i'm a christian.