so this post is going to sound really conceited... but i'm venting... so ignore this if you like. but i hope that those of you who do read this, know me well enough to know where i'm coming from and that i'm not a jerk. i know i'm not perfect...
so why can't guys and girls just be friends? why can't they just take time getting to know each other and let things happen if they do, but if they don't, then they don't. recently, i've found myself entangled in some kind of situation with at least 4 guys. the first guy blew me away with his kind heart and forgiving spirit. yet he isn't a christian. this is what tore me away from him. for as much as we fit each other, that one thing just won't work. even though i know i have hundreds of questions about Christianity to the point where i want to deny it all and just say "God exists," i can't let go of it all. then guy number 2 lied and deceived me unlike any other guy. then guy numero tres was yet another guy who wasn't a christian. then, guy number 4. Christian? check? good looking? check? fun? check. BUT! i still know nothing about the guy. but, now there's a dumb level of commitment between us. we went on a date and now i feel like if i don't continue to follow along and keep "dating" him, i can't go back and even be his friend. it's just a lose lose situation. and i HATE this. i love hanging out with guys... sometimes a lot better than with girls. girls tend to be over dramatic and catty. plus i just can't go and do some things with girls. not a lot of girls like long boarding and sports and loud music....... it's just so frustrating... it really seems impossible to be friends with guys at times... unless they're already interested in someone else, it's either like we have to just date, or not even hardly be friends.
but right now, i feel that any guy would be a masochist for liking me. God is doing amazing things in my life right now, but i'm spiritually and emotionally a wreck. i need to be single for now to just really focus on God and what he's doing. i'm far to easily distracted. i know if i get into an actual relationship with a guy right now i'll just get distracted from the bigger picture. i just need guys to be my friend... to help me. to pray for me. to encourage me. to let me be and be someone to cheer me up when i'm broken. i fear if they start liking me and pursue me, i'll just have to tell them i can't date now, and then it'll get awkward and then we can't even be friends... raaaagh!!!!
i'm just tired of guys doing this to me. but i can't be mad at them for it! they know (well, some do at least) that girls want to be pursued, so they do... but i'm the one exception to rule, but only during this time in my life. i'm just not datable right now. and quite frankly, i just want to be single... i'm not ready to commit myself to any guy. but even when i am ready, i just wish that a guy would not even consider dating me until we've become friends and gotten to know each other.
right... so... venting done.
God willing, i'll go to India for the summer. i'm praying that God allows this, i know i can afford it... but still, God has the power to stop me if He wills it. i have no REAL reason to stop myself from going. i honestly think i need to do this. i need to be away from all that is so distracting here..... though i have a strange feeling that if i go, i'll be walking right into the midst of my troubles. there's nothing like a mission trip to humble the ever living snot out of you. but it's not a "mission trip" per say, we're just going to work with a local orphanage and then that's about it... or at least that's all i know of. i'm willing to do whatever. but i also know that when i come back, my troubles won't have left.. they'll still be waiting back here for me. but i'm hoping that through this i'll grow a lot closer to God and i'll have a new perspective on the troubles and maybe i'll be more responsible in how i respond to them. maybe i'll get better at not leading guys on... maybe i'll learn to be thankful for my house and living situation... maybe i'll find confidence... maybe i'll find my true love in Christ.......find my security in him. but, who knows. i just don't want to be running from my problems.
Title by Amy Winehouse - you know i'm no good.
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3 comments:
Hello! :)
hello random friend... how'd you stumble upon fluffy (my blog)?
Hey girl...
In a way I feel partially responsible for some of your troubles. I do want to talk to you about this more when you have a few seconds. And know that I am here for ANYTHING you need, because I understand where you're at. I understand because I was there once. Call me when you need to vent, and no worries about who.
Love you...
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