why haven't i kept up with this thing?

dang, it's been a while. i've changed a lot, and not so much. i made it through the spring semester only to fail horribly in my bible college classes but doing VERY well in my cpcc classes. i'm still growing up and learning a lot about myself. i've kinda come to the conclusion that maybe the reason i lack so much motivation in school is because i have no end goal. nothing to aim for. frankly, i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life. and i have no idea what my true passions are. i still love photography and know that God is calling me to ministry... but that's quite open ended and could take me anywhere. i'm ready to move out. so much more so than ever... and i think it's gone past the selfish reasons to just being ready. i'm not annoyed at my parents anymore, i'm not trying to get away with things i know i shouldn't be doing. i know that basically the reason for me wanting to move out, is just to take that next step in my life. it's weird thinking i'm still just 19. i feel so much older than that. and maybe it's because i don't act like you're typical 19 year old.

i know i'm quite scatterbrained and as my sister puts it "free." but i want to learn how to use it for God. God made me this way for a reason. i know he did... but how?

through lots of hard thinking and talking with my parents and most of all, just praying... i've decided to leave SES. it's not for me. i think i knew that from the beginning... but i'm a pushover. but the thing is, i still very strongly want biblical knowledge. a few of my girlfriends and i were having dinner tonight and we got talking about baptism and other spiritual type things, and i didn't know the answers to these hard but perfectly wonderful questions. i so desperately just want to know truth. i know what i believe and why i believe it... but SES isn't cutting it. they're not preparing me for going out. there's a school i've fallen in love with out in Cali... but who knows if i'll actually make it out there.

regardless... for now, i stay here and get my Associates and be praying God leads me once i'm done.

i have a headache and i want to listen to francis chan. he's amazing... you should listen to him too.