most feared prayer

i went and had lunch with my dad today. we have an odd relationship... it seems very... just... different. it's like we have the best spiritual conversations, but we hardly talk otherwise. and when we do talk we really have to make it a priority. it's not because we don't want to, it's because we just are both so busy and hardly see each other. anyways, so we had lunch... as i began sharing with him all that God was doing in my life, he really challenged me in a way i have never been before. i was telling him how i just couldn't seem to hear God's voice clearly... how do i know what he sounds like? how do i know it's him and not someone else? my father put it simply that as we get to know him better, we will know what his voice sounds like... he challenged me to pray that God would really show himself to me. i guess growing up in the church i never really thought about praying that. i always thought i knew who God is. but, i don't. if i did, maybe i wouldn't feel so lost all the time.

i pray a lot when i'm alone in my car... i actually tend to talk to myself. but it works... it helps me think through things. anways... i tend to turn those conversations to talks with God. tonight i prayed on the way home that God would show himself to me... and as i prayed that, i got this feeling as if i was going down a huge hill on a rollercoaster... it was a terrifying feeling. i think it's because i do know who God is to some extent. he is to be feared, honored, held to a high respect and admiration. it's scary to think about God showing himself to us... we're so fragile. but God tells us not to worry, not to fear, we're worth more than we know. he won't give us too much... just enough to break us and bring us to him.

oh goodness, i want to write more but i can barely keep my eyes open......... it was a great day.