well that's gross

so i can't even escape sin in my sleep... i had the most erotic dreams last night i think i woke up blushing. why? why did i have to dream that stuff? i read my bible before i went to bed in hopes that that'd keep my dreams pure. but i guess my sinful nature won this battle.

so my room is actually clean. it hasn't been this clean in a while. i like it, i just can't seem to keep it this way. i'm a messy person by nature. at work i always make the biggest messes. i guess the point is that i make a habit to clean up after myself... i do need to be more responsible in that way. ONE DAY i will finally get to move out and i'll have roommates who WILL care what condition i leave things in..... i guess my parents are pretty tolerant.

i can't believe i'm going to be back at SES. i swore i'd never go back. i know i have a bad attitude about it, but it's just that it seems so... stuffy. i feel like i can't be myself when i'm there... and that's sad. but there's no reason i can't be myself... i think i'm just scared i'll offend some of the people there or that they'll think less of me. but that's their problem right?

i miss my sister. i'm SO happy for her and Brian. i just... i miss seeing her almost everyday. she's my best friend, but i know it'll only get worse once they get married. i guess that's part of growing up? i think maybe a part of me, no, i know a part of me is jealous. i want what they have. it works. it's pure. it's glorifying to God. i mean i know i don't want to get married until i'm done with school... unless God were to say otherwise. and i am still young, but i had always pictured myself getting married young. i just want to have a good while with my husband before having kids. but you can't put a time constraint on love. it happens when it happens. you can't just say when and where and to what extent. that will only run people off. i know from my many ridiculous relationships that rushing just leads to pure chaos.



but i'm so impatient.