oh to be 10 again

at the pool today there were a group of 3 kids playing. 2 girls who were probably 9 or 10 and then one of the girls lil brother who was probably like 5 or 6... any how, they were laughing and screaming about the craziest stuff... it made me laugh watching them. i don't think i'll ever REALLY grow up in some ways... i still love playing in the mud and playing card games and running around in the rain and seeing how long i can hold my breath under water, and laughing at silly immature things... like rabbits and stuffed animals and making fart noises with my hands.

i used to make the best forts and my stuffed animals were my best friends... i used to not care what i looked like, even when my mom said things. i liked my hair being a mess and helping my brother wash his car and my sister clean her room and dry her hair........ i loved my innocent life. why does it seem from the time you hit puberty to the time you become an adult, life just sucks... you're too old to play with toys but too young to go out on your own. it's such an awkward stage.

i think maybe, just maybe, part of why i don't want to grow up is because i was never pushed or really allowed to be adventurous... i was terrified i'd get into trouble. i always wanted to pull a really good prank... but even when i did the little ones i got in huge trouble. i didn't start actually trying exciting things until i got older... when i was too old to act that way. it's why i love dying my hair and gauging my ears and putting henna on myself. one day, it won't be cool to do that... though i always pictured myself as a "cool mom." i just want my kids to live their lives. i want to teach them the reasons for why we shouldn't do some things, instead of just telling them what to do and what not to do. i want them to just run and be free. be themselves, express themselves... not be embarrassed to act crazy... like i was. i want to have as few rules on my kids as i can. i've seen how rules have ruined my life at times, my church, and my friends. rules don't have to be a bad thing... but they can be if too many are in place. it's such a fine line.