Really?

Gosh, such a good weekend. I learned a lot about myself. Stuff I of
course didnt want to see, but I know that its good. I need to see this
stuff, no matter how frustrating or painful or scary it is. God really
confirmed in me somethings I needed to deal with and let go of. Its
going to be an interesting and probably somewhat painful journey. But
I know it will only do good for me.
One major thing God showed me is that I need to let go of guys and
probably not date anyone for a while (for how long, no idea... I'm
just praying God will reveal the end when I'm ready). I know myself, I
know I open up to guys too soon and give a piece of my heart too fast.
Its funny how hard I tried to convince myself that I was "ok" single.
I mean I know I am, its just I kept lying to myself and even others
saying "no no, I'm fine!" when really I prayed and cried to just be
with someone. I don't know if its just my age or what, but I want a
boyfriend so badly sometimes. I don't even know why though. I've never
been in a good enough relationship to make me want to be in one again.
In fact the pattern of my dating past would make you think I would be
avoiding guys. I think though I'm just wanting to be proved wrong. I
want someone to prove to me that guys aren't stupid. Ok... So girls
are too. Its just that none of those guys fit me. I wanted them to,
but really we were no good together.
I was reading back over some of my journal entries and I noticed I,
Kendall, am obsessed with guys. So many of my entries were about guys.
And I'm tired. I don't want to deal with it anymore! I can't do it
anymore. But even though I'm tired of my obsession, I know there will
times I'll cry out to God "why?!?!" I just dont get why I'm single
sometimes. I don't get why guys don't see me, why I can never seem to
attract the guys I want to. It makes me feel like "what's wrong with
me?!" but guys always either see me as just a "friend" or as a play
thing. That or we both end up rushing waaay too fast and realize oh
dang, were no good.
Anyhow... So no dating for a while I guess. God is seriously going to
have to help me on this one. If he wants me here so badly then hes
going to have to give me strength and courage and joy and... *sigh*
yeah