i should be sleepinging

so i feel like as of late i've been in a sort of funk. i can't really think straight. i find myself allowing my mind to spiral out of control. i think, a lot... and not about just one thing in particular but a lot of things. i allow my heart to worry. i realized the other day while i was writing out my schedule that i honestly do not know if i'll have time to work next semester. my schedule is going to be a little weird and i worry that if i try and work on top of everything else i wear myself out and won't be able to do anything (work/school/church/friends/family) to the best of my ability. i guess this is why it's good that i don't move out right now. i can't afford it anyhow.

but really, more than anything, i've been irritated by my lack of control over my mind. i can't help but wonder. i wonder what school will be like next semester. i wonder who i'll meet and what they'll be like. i wonder what kind of conversations i'll get into and if i'll be prepared to answer any questions people may have (in regards to Christianity). it makes me nervous! i wonder if i'll really have time for a job. i wonder when i'll ever find a guy who i could even think about dating. i wonder if that guy i noticed, noticed me too. i wonder why people are so blind to truth. i wonder if i'll ever reconnect with old friends, and how those old friends are doing.......... but i can't do this. i can't let my mind be bogged down so much with so many thoughts. it's not that thinking about all of that is bad. i mean if thinking was bad, then i wouldn't be studying apologetics. it's how i let my heart react. i worry about so many things. this is why i love birds so much (matthew 6:26, 10:31).

*sigh* i need to go to bed. i don't want to work in the morning. i have to tell my boss my schedule for next semester. i may have to quit. :-/

ACK! stop worrying Kendall!!!! i feel like i've been so pessimistic lately! blegh! i don't like this side of me at all! i mean really i'm quite happy most of the time, but in my mind, i'm worried.





let go.